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Why am I finding it so hard to move on from my DD's dad?(12 Posts)
I am new to Mumsnet but I have been a lurker for a while.
DD is 4 and I have been with her dad for 8 years. I'm 23 and the dad is 24.
I'm finding it very difficult to move on from DD's dad. I will give you a back story of our relationship.
I was with DD's dad since I was 15 and the first 5 years of our relationship were great, we were truly known to be one of the most loved up couple in our area. Though, when I fell pregnant, moved in together and gave birth to DD at age 19, everything changed. He suddenly became controlling and possessive which then led to emotional and physical abuse. Not only that, DD was born at 24 weeks and myself, her dad and the doctors were increasingly worried if she was going to make it or not.
Fast forward, when DD was around 16 months, we really started to worry about her development, her speech was delayed, she still wasn't walking and we noticed that she was quite floppy and having difficulties with basic motor movements, e.g. holding her head up. After a few tests and scans she was later diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy. As you can imagine, my life turned upside down. Meanwhile the abuse was still going on, we would have good days and bad days. I then thought enough was enough, I took an injunction against him and the court agreed that he would see his daughter via supervised access.
Everything was great, I was free, I could fully focus on my child's needs. I even started a primary education teaching degree (which I'm still currently doing). However, the injunction ended and slowly DD's dad and I were properly in contact again. There was a time we met up to talk about the arrangements regarding DD's physio appointments and the inevitable happened and we had sex. I felt so ashamed and guilty and from them on I decided it was best to end our contact.
Fast forwards again, a year passed. DD's relationship with her dad kept going strong and we were amicable for DD's sake. A few months ago, well in December, DD's dad queried to see if we could get back together. Of course I was hesitant, he said he changed, been going to domestic violence classes. I decided to give things another go, we even went counselling together. From then on, everything seemed great, no abuse, I loved the family unit we had. But until recently, DD's dad behaviour started to creep up again. He will get angry over silly things, he will belittle me in front of people, I talk really fast and my words jumble a lot when I speak to strangers, but DD's dad will tell me "People don't understand me, I talk don't sense...". They seem minor, but to me this affected my confidence. I noticed that he was on his phone quite a lot and if I was in the room, he will quickly go off to the next room to talk on the phone. There was a time I stayed at my mothers, and every time I called DD's dad, he wouldn't answer, he will block my calls at times. I knew something was going on, so when I came back I managed to look through his phone and I saw many conversations with him flirting with women. I didn't do anything. He denied it. I felt the hurt and the paranoia building up all over again, it was like a light bulb went off in my head and I thought to myself I can't take it anymore. I packed my bags and moved DD out. This time it was over for good.
Recently on Facebook, I know I shouldn't of done this, I went on his page and there were many pictures of his new girlfriend (I had no idea), I felt really sad and broke down. He was and still is texting me that he loves me and all that bullshit, whilst he is still with is girlfriend.
I am sad, I am hurt. I don't know how I can move on from this. How can somebody move on so quickly? I know I shouldn't of gotten back with him and put DD at risk of being in an abusive situation again. But I wrongly assumed that because we were both young, his abusive, controlling self would change as he got older.
Please do not judge me, I know I have made many bad decisions.
Oh! didn't realise I made a few spelling mistakes!
I did similar OP, I don't know if it's the pull to be that family unit, the shared experiences of having the DC or the feeling that there is only 1 other person in the world that loves your DC like you and that's the dad, or what!! But, it can be hard and drawing out the inevitable makes it worse, like a slow agonizing death rather then a quick painless one!
What I found helped was if a memory or whatever made me feel down about it, I'd let myself be sad and then put it right out my head because its in the past now. And go NC if you can.
Thank you for your comment "theendoftheend*
Please take care of yourself and your DD...
Dont be hard on yourself. You gave him a second chance as you have a child together and you probably had hope for the better life.
In my case people change very rarely and if they acknowledge their own behavior and attitude and learn from past mistakes.
Take time to heal but keep believing he doesn't deserve you...
Hugs and flowers, x
I haven't been in this situation but you were and are very young and you have gone through a tremendous ordeal worrying if your DD would live and then discovering her health challenges while coping with a dysfunctional relationship. This was your first serious relationship which lasted a long time and you had a child - so much shared history and also all the bonding that happened through trauma. You now understand what you and your DD need and have accepted that the relationship with her dad is over.
Try to forgive yourself, you did the best you could and gave him the benefit of the doubt. You have the wisdom and self-knowledge to recognize how toxic this relationship was for you and DD. It will take time to heal and recover - but you will. We all make mistakes and sometimes we find we love people who don't love us properly. Take time to be kind to yourself and look after you and DD - you have been through an awful lot in a few short years.
So glad to hear you are studying and making a new life for yourself and DD. Take the experience of this relationship as a warning of what you DO NOT WANT in any other relationship in the future. There are many loving and wonderful people out there, take your time and you can find great friends and potentially a partner who can reciprocate the love you give. It will work out - it is very early days.
He was your first relationship? It's always the hardest one to get over IME. He drew you in with his nice behaviour, then turned the nasty back on But you did the right thing for you and DD and got out.
I think the best way for you to put him behind you is to limit your contact with him to only about DD and nothing more. This is hard when he's love-bombing you to try to get you back in his clutches.
Does he pick DD up in person? Is there any way you can ask someone else to do handovers, maybe your parents or a sibling, or his parents?
Also do yourself a favour and block him on FB. I know the pull of looking through old ex's pages and it's like torturing yourself!
Why should anyone judge you? Please don't be so harsh on yourself. You have known/been with him for the whole of your adult life, you have a daughter together, was a family. .. They all made it difficult to have a clean cut as you should in theory.
Please look after yourself x
Thank- you everyone for your kind messages. I will try to move on from this for mine and DD's sake. No matter how hard it is.
Yes pocketsaviour he was my first boyfriend. Yes, I am going to try limit the contact between myself and him. He picks up DD in person, but we have an arrangement with my mum, she doesn't live to far from me, that he will pick her up from her house etc.
I have blocked him from Facebook to stop the temptation of looking at his FB page.
Shuang I guess because I feel stupid and I wasted my life on someone who clearly didn't deserve me at all. Thank you, I will.
Thanks everyone for the comments, I really appreciate it.
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