Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

tell me it gets better please

(38 Posts)
flanjabelle Mon 11-May-15 16:41:19

I ended my relationship with dds dad on Friday. It wasn't working, I didn't feel respected, wanted, cherished, loved etc etc. After 7 years, I was losing my self respect being in a relationship where I didn't actually feel like he loved me anymore.

I feel broken, and can't see it getting better. I'm lonely, anxious, feel constantly sick, can't eat, I just want to sleep all the time. I'm trying to pretend that I'm ok for dd, but I feel like I could lay down and never get back up.

I have to share dd now. I know it's what is right for her but it fucking hurts. I am taking her to him in 20 minutes and I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I just need to get it out. I can't even cry. I want to, but it's just all stuck inside me.

Skiptonlass Mon 11-May-15 17:04:52

Yes, it will get better. It's incredibly hard to do but you've done the hardest thing, which is leaving in the first place.

You will get better, life will get better, you will be happy again. You really will.

Think of it like birth - you have to go through the pain to get the good stuff.


Skiptonlass Mon 11-May-15 17:05:58

Oh and go and see your doc, get some counselling if you can (or any sympathetic ear if you can't) and above all be gentle with yourself.

You did a hard thing, your emotions are completely valid.

flanjabelle Mon 11-May-15 18:43:47

I cried after I dropped her off. Finally cried and it feels a bit better.

He says he wants to talk when I pick her up. I don't know what to expect, more excuses? I don't know how to feel or think right now.

flanjabelle Mon 11-May-15 18:45:21

dd looked really worried when I handed her over. She's never away from me sad

Mum4Fergus Mon 11-May-15 18:48:53

Yes. It absolutely gets better. I'm a year down the line now...will admit I've had a couple of wobbles...but life is so much better now. Good luck x

nicenewdusters Mon 11-May-15 20:29:44

I'm 4 weeks into the same situation, and it hurts like hell doesn't it ? The tiredness is horrible, your brain is working overtime and you literally wear yourself out. I haven't cried that much. I think I've been too afraid to, incase I can't stop. However, whenever I have it's made me feel a bit better.

Since having the talk about finances, the children etc, things have calmed down a lot. We're pretty much in agreement about things, and now I feel there's a framework for the future my anxiety levels have gone right down. Although it's taken this long for us to have such a talk, maybe you talking to your ex will help to settle some things in your mind.

I just keep telling myself that I/we will be ok, but that this is the eye of the storm and it will blow itself out. Broken is such a good word to use. I sometimes feel like my heart, future and spirit is broken, but all things pass, and so will this. I'm just doing the bare minimum to get through every day, talking endlessly to my family about things and leaning on my lovely friends when I need to.

I'm trying to just go with the flow. I don't want to be brave everyday, sometimes I just want to eat a whole easter egg and watch an hour of crap telly to take my mind off things - which I did at the weekend ! We will get through this, something in the human spirit allows us to. But it is totally crap, I agree.

As to how you should think or feel right now, I'd say whatever you want to, there's no right answers.

Thinking of you.

GoatsDoRoam Mon 11-May-15 20:39:39

He says he wants to talk when I pick her up.

Don't talk to him if you don't want to. It's perfectly ok to say "I don't want to talk", or just "No", and leave.

Self-care. You get to exercise all the self-care you need now, OP. And that includes not having conversations that you don't feel happy to have.

nicenewdusters Mon 11-May-15 20:51:09

Goats makes an excellent point about talking when you want to. I didn't enter into any discussions until we actually agreed a date to sit down together, child free, to chat things through. In fact I put the date back a bit because I just wasn't ready.

nj32 Mon 11-May-15 20:52:21

sending hugs, my hubby moved out a month ago not my choice. We have just had the finances talk & some children issues. You will have good days & bad days. Be kind to yourself x

flanjabelle Mon 11-May-15 21:19:36

I'm so confused. He says he still loves me to pieces, and desperately wants to be together. I told him that he doesn't show it and I feel unloved and rejected. He can't see why I feel like that and says he has been distant because of other issues (not to do with me).

I can't see anything changing, he doesn't seem able to give me what I need right now. He thinks I should stand by him as he has stood by me through difficult times, but how can you stay with someone when it feels like they don't even love you? The things he is going through has been happening for a while, and there is no end in sight (sorry I'm being intentionally vague). How can I keep pretending its not hurting me to be physically next to someone I love so much, but mentally a million miles away?

Thank you so much for all being there for me. my brain is so all over the place I'm sorry if I'm not making any sense.

flanjabelle Mon 11-May-15 21:24:12

Nice - Yes the tiredness. I am so tired. I have been going to bed with dd at night and sleeping with her for her nap too and I just wake up exhausted every time.

flanjabelle Mon 11-May-15 21:29:11

Sorry everyone You are all going through tough times too.

I'm going to bed now, but I really appreciate any support or advice or magic solutions anyone has!

Hussarsataparty Mon 11-May-15 21:37:22

Sleep is your body's healing time. Be kind to yourself and sleep when you need it!

confusedoflondon Mon 11-May-15 23:27:58

He may well be grasping at the relationship as well, even know he knows It's not working. Why? Because change is scary and unpleasant and sitting with dcs involved is painful for everyone. But always remember love is a verb. If he doesn't/can't love you the way you need to feel loved it's better all round to get out.

flanjabelle Tue 12-May-15 07:18:54

Thank you for your replies. I feel slightly more rested this morning.

I really don't know what he is thinking. It's so confusing when someone says one thing but their actions show the opposite. I think I just need to give it some time, it's all too raw at the minute.

flanjabelle Tue 12-May-15 07:19:39

The pathetic side of me is soothed by the fact that he says he loves me. It hurts so much to think that he doesn't. I need to get a grip really.

confusedoflondon Tue 12-May-15 08:09:54

Always believe the actions. Like so many others I learnt the painful way. When I asked my ex why he said he loved me when he actually wanted to leave me and treated me accordingly his words were "it's just what you're supposed to say isn't it". Stuck with me ever since. The only thing that counts are actions.

flanjabelle Tue 12-May-15 08:47:15

Confused. I know you are right. It just hurts.

umisnotananswer Tue 12-May-15 09:06:27

Sending you my sympathy. I have been going through similar although it's been a bit longer than you. Things have got easier.

For what it's worth I think you're doing the right thing in leaving him. My ex still says he loves me but his version of love must be very different to mine. I felt so unloved. It's better to be lonely on your own than lonely in a so called relationship.

Hope you're okay xx

confusedoflondon Tue 12-May-15 12:00:36

I know flanjabelle it's utterly rubbish. My ex dumped me last August after a good few months of treating me in a really unloving way - not abusive or nasty per se, just as if he could literally take me or leave me, even to the extent of going to the pub instead of visiting my dying mum in the hospice with me. The reason was because he could indeed take me or leave me. I should have let him go but didn't and he dumped me. He still told my friends he loved me after the split which like you say was some kind of cold comfort but ultimately meaningless. Anyway at the time I was of course in full on woe is me mode, will never love again etc etc. November rolls by and out of the blue I meet my Dp, who is SO the right person for me. It feels completely different to be adored, cared about, considered. I will marry this man and all thoughts of the man who 'loved me' in words only have all but disappeared. Happy endings all round. You've let him go and he's had plenty of opportunity whilst he was with you to prove he loves you and didn't. And won't. That's a nailed on certainty. This one's not for you. But I absolutely know where you are at and how you feel. It will get better. smile

flanjabelle Tue 12-May-15 12:49:16

can i ask for a bit more advice. i was going to leave the details out, but i think it is relevant and it is making me doubt my judgement.

He is currently going through therapy for extreme sexual abuse as a child. it is going to be a long process, and he has kind of retreated into himself to deal with it. The tough times he referred to about me was when i was going through therapy for mental health problems mainly caused by being raped at 17.

I can see where he is coming from, he did stand by me, when i couldnt talk, when i flinched when he touched me, when i retreated into myself. We are so different though, he just had this certainty that it would be ok in the end, whereas i need that closeness and reassurance, otherwise i feel like we are falling apart and feel unloved etc.

I do feel like i have given up on him, when he never did with me. He is asking me to hang in there until he gets through the therapy. I am just scared that by the end we will be so far apart that it will never be the same again. We used to be best friends, closer than close, and it hurts so much that he needs to push me away to get through this. I should understand more than anyone, but i cant control the fact that it hurts so much.

Im sorry i know this is a massive drip feed, but i just really need advice. I dont know the way to deal with this. I know i love him to pieces, but i dont know how to cope with feeling so alone in this.

flanjabelle Tue 12-May-15 12:50:05

thank you so much for your help so far.

confusedoflondon Tue 12-May-15 12:57:06

You say need closeness and reassurance. For whatever reason this particular relationship is/was making you feel unsafe and unloved. For that reason alone it is better to distance yourself from it for the time being. Someone has to take the reigns here. If you both love each other but one of you feels unloved the whole relationship has to be recalibrated for it to work. That takes time out away from each other to really make the decision and realisation that you can be apart but choose to be together. Make sense? Him saying he loves you if all very well and indeed perhaps he's not in a good place to give love at the moment and that's fair enough but if you two are fundamentally right together space will not harm you and needn't even be a negative thing in fact it could possibly immeasurably strengthen your bond when you give it a little stretch so to speak.

flanjabelle Tue 12-May-15 13:02:42

confused, thank you that is so helpful.

I think we are fundamentally right for each other. We have been through so much together, and before this, made each other laugh, made each other so happy, we clicked from day one, just so close. I think you are right in that space is a really good thing at the minute, to stop this from damaging us. Is that still me giving up on him though? does he not deserve more than that from me?

What exactly would you do in my shoes? would you go nc for a while except child arrangements? or just see each other less? i know it sounds like i am asking you to tell me what to do, i just feel so lost.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now