Introducing new partner to daughter

[Sigmunda]

I'm confused about what I should be doing here and thought I'd see what the general consensus is...

I'm 33 and my DD is 3. I have been seeing a wonderful man for 9 months now. DD's dad and I separated nearly two years ago. He was a EA arse addicted to porn but we do parent well together and he has DD two nights a week. There are no issues in any aspect of life.

BF and I are well beyond the dating stage now. We like to see each other as much as possible. He has only ever met DD in passing, ie: he's had to drop something off and she's come to the door and we bumped
Into him once in the shop.

I really want them to know each other. He would love to meet her. He hasn't so far because I've always been very protective over her but I do feel ready now to slowly introduce them. I wouldn't have him staying over for a long time until she really knew him. But we do see ourselves living together and we do both want children etc. he treats me really well and I've no doubt he'll be great with her.

My friends and family like him. My friends can't understand why its taken me so long to introduce them but my mum thinks it is much too soon to introduce them. My sister also says it should be about the 18 month mark.

I think this is off the mark personally but not having the support of two people close to me on something like this is making me doubt myself.

I plan for them to meet each other at a couple of group events that are going on in the next month or so and then after that we can maybe go out somewhere nice just the three of us a few times.

I'm also I sure at what point I should inform the ex.

Any pointers from you wise people?

[QueenBean]

You sound like you've got your head screwed on

But for clarification, why do you mum and sister think to wait so long? Are they thinking purely about this new partner or do they mean in general, for everyone this rule would apply?

[Sigmunda]

A bit of both I think.

For my sister, it's personal experience. She is also a single parent and she waited 18 months herself. He relationship was quite casual for about 12 months as he wouldn't commit. She feels you need at least a year before you know if you want a future with someone.

For my mum it's a "don't involve the kids until it's absolutely necessary". She says BF and I are having a nice time, we wouldn't be in a position to move in together for a good while anyway so why rush into things. My mum thinks I should never have married my ex, she strongly dislikes my sister's DP and just generally mistrusts our taste in men I think. Although, she says she does like my BF and certainly has no reason to dislike him.

[pocketsaviour]

I think 9 months is long enough. You obviously both feel seriously about each other, so that takes care of your sister's objection.

Your mum seems to be operating on the basis of "all relationships fail anyway so it's pointless introducing anyone".

[CMOTGilbertBlythe]

I think you're in a good place to start introducing your BF to your DD. She must have met friends of yours before now, and to her this will be another of Mummy's friends. Start on this basis and gently work up to explaining that this is a special person to you, and you'd be seeing a lot more of him in the future.

[Twochipsnobiff]

How does she react when you introduce friends to her?

[wannaBe]

IMO eighteen months is far too long to wait because at that point you are already invested in the relationship and if it doesn't work out with the dc then you stand to get very hurt.

Nine months is fine IMO, and given your dd is so young and she presumably doesn't remember a time when you and her dad lived together an introduction will almost pass her by. Just let your dp integrate into your lives gradually, a trip to the park/zoo/meal out/him coming over for tea, and even staying over wouldn't necessarily be too much of an issue in time.

As for telling your ex, it depends on the kind of relationship you have with him. If you have a good co parenting relationship then you might want to tell him before you introduce your dd, but if not then you don't actually have to tell him anything.