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Problems with children, new partner and ex

(77 Posts)
needwine2015 Mon 11-May-15 11:17:21

Name changed for this.

I split with my EA bastard ex husband and have since met someone else. Ex has not coped with me moving on, had threats to shoot us with the children in the house, kill our parents, generally he's been a complete psychotic arse, which wasn't unexpected. Police are aware. New partner is amazing, nice, and normal and we're really happy.

I waited a reasonable amount of time before introducing him to the kids (6+10) as I wanted to make sure the relationship was going somewhere (and he wasn't another psychotic arse!) Ex then issued new threats that he doesn't want new partner anywhere near his kids (only youngest is actually his) and has been quizzing the kids every time they go to his house (he has them once a week)

This weekend they came home and told me that daddy isn't happy and they had told daddy that new partner had been play fighting with them and winding them up and that I had told them off (all very unfair in the eyes of a 6 year old) He did play fight with them, I was cooking dinner and they were messing round in the front room arguing over a PlayStation remote, it ended up with them all rolling around on the sofa, all very good naturedly. I came in and generally told them all to pack it in as they were being loud and I don't like them rolling on the sofa That was it, it didn't end in tears, nobody was upset and it wasn't even anything that particularly sticks in my mind.

Now the kids have gone to ex and told him that new partner was winding them up and fighting with them and they got into trouble. Ex told them that "if he does it again, I'll do it to new partner and see how he likes it"

I can't talk to ex like a normal person and explain that is was nothing because he isn't one and he'll just scream and threaten me. New partner is getting fed up with the whole situation and said last night if it's going to cause problems he'll just see me when I haven't got the kids again. I don't think the kids did anything on purpose to cause trouble, but they've obviously exaggerated the whole story and unhelpfully made the situation worse.

I'm not quite sure how to handle it, I don't want our relationship to suffer, the kids really get on with new partner and ex is NC and contact with the kids goes through parents, so it's easy to ignore him and hope he fucks right off grows up. But the constant threats which is he is now making through the kids because he can't contact me any other way just isn't on.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

FriendofBill Mon 11-May-15 11:55:28

er- police?

You do know 2 women are killed each week by their intimate / ex partner?

Call womans aid and get advice. Sounds like contact should be supervised at least.

FriendofBill Mon 11-May-15 11:56:16

And new bf doesn't know better than hyping the children? That doesn't sound great either from what you have described.

DuncanQuagmire Mon 11-May-15 11:59:41

maybe new partner should learn to play calmly with children not all rolling about and screaming?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 11-May-15 12:00:33

I think I would sit the children down and let them know that new partner won't be around when they are. It's not their fault but it causes issues with their dad so for the time being you will only see him away from the kids.
And do that.
If your partner is happy to do that then take him up on it. Let the dust settle a bit then see where you want to go.

Well done getting away from your Ex - he sounds like a feckin' nightmare arsehole.

00100001 Mon 11-May-15 12:02:38

Police police police...! HE can't send death threats to you and your kids!

I would look at restricting any unsupervised access with the father - if he's sending death threats to your and your children, maybe he shouldn't be alone with the kids?

Sure he and the children should see each other, but not if he's violent and aggressive!

needwine2015 Mon 11-May-15 12:18:47

It was one occasion as described, new partner hasn't got children and now he 'knows better' and it wont happen again but was hardly the crime of the century.

Police are aware as mentioned, unfortunately because it was done by phone calls I have no evidence, he didn't threaten to kill the children, just me and new partner (not that it makes it any better but just to clarify)

I agree about supervised access and I will see my solicitor this week. I will also speak to new partner about only coming round when the kids are out for now, my ex told me when we split he will make sure I can never move on and that I am alone forever and it just feels like he might achieve that. If the children didn't like new partner, I wouldn't hesitate, but they like him and they get on great which is the sad thing.

00100001 Mon 11-May-15 12:24:48

Iagree wine - we've all been guilty of horse-play and winding up kids at some point in our life - definitely not the worst thing, and they did stop when asked! So I don't see why PPs have been focusing on that and ignoring the Death threats!!

why would you limit the new partners access to kids? he was only playing with them :/

00100001 Mon 11-May-15 12:25:09

and he did stop when you asked, so what's the problem?

needwine2015 Mon 11-May-15 12:37:15

Thanks 00100001, it was honestly such a non-event, and if he as a normal person I'd just ring him and explain. I'd genuinely have no problem if it was his girlfriend (he hasn't got one, but if I was the other way round)

I've tried to do everything 'correctly' taking it slowly, putting the children first, waiting to introduce him but I'll never, ever be right in ex's eyes. He'll only be happy if I'm on my own because he still see's me as 'his', it could be 5 years down the line and he still would be the same.

wannaBe Mon 11-May-15 12:45:14

He threatened to kill you and you allow this man unsupervised access to your children? why?

Firstly, you say that only the youngest is his, well I would say that as of now contact with the other dc stops. And then go and see a solicitor wrt limiting his access with the one that is his.

As for your dp offering to see you without the children, is this really the answer? Where does that leave your relationship if he does that? If you follow through with that then A, your ex has won (is that what you want?) and B, I would be questioning the likelyhood of your dp sticking around in the long term and would be questioning whether a relationship had any future.

Either your dp is in it for the long hall, kids and all, in which case you need to continue with things as they currently are, or he isn't in which case you need to end the relationship.

FriendofBill Mon 11-May-15 12:55:20

I think you need to be careful because of your history, unless you have done freedom programme or similar.
Because this psycho ex was once the one you introduced to your first child and went on to have another with.

I think you should concentrate on your children and sorting out ex relationship before introducing them to another new partner.

Skiptonlass Mon 11-May-15 12:55:59

1.) report to police
2.) never allow this man unsupervised access to your children ever again.

FriendofBill Mon 11-May-15 12:56:07

If he is in it for the long haul/decent he will be happy to wait.

What's the rush?

needwine2015 Mon 11-May-15 12:56:52

Agree WannaBe. Poor new partner is just trying to do the right thing for all of us which is why he suggested it, he feels like it's him causing the problems by being there, when it's actually because ex can't be normal. I don't feel it is the right answer, and I feel that is exactly what ex wants. I will speak to him tonight, I need to know exactly what he wants not what he thinks I want.

I've been so torn about contact, I don't want to stop him seeing oldest because it singles him out and he'll think I'm favouring youngest but I am going to see my solicitor this week. I haven't done anything about contact so far because ex is so volatile with me that I know it will cause further problems, but I know I can't live my life trying to keep him happy, otherwise I might as well never left in he first place!

wannaBe Mon 11-May-15 13:12:17

"If he is in it for the long haul/decent he will be happy to wait." I disagree. If we were talking about a situation where the children weren't happy and it was causing problems for them then I would agree that new dp stepping back would be something that should be considered. But to think that the new dp should step back because the ex is causing problems? no. Why on earth should an abusive ex be allowed to dictate the op's new relationship?

It's also not on IMO to suggest the op is lacking in judgement because she introduced her first child to an abuser and has now introduced children to a new partner once she escaped that abusive relationship. Anyone can fall victim to abuse, it doesn't necessarily follow that subsequent relationships will be abusive or that introducing children to new partners shows a lack in judgement. The new dp hasn't shown any signs of being abusive has he? no, it is the ex issuing death threats and using the children as pawns to control the op.

Op does your eldest child know that your ex is not his/her father? in which case I would explain to him that the youngest has to see him by law at the moment but he doesn't. I wouldn't be letting him anywhere near him atm....

00100001 Mon 11-May-15 13:38:55

I can't see that stopping contact altogether for both children is the answer! He is is their Dad (if not biologically) after all and it's not fair on the kids to have this adult cut out of their lives conmpeltely, when if as the OP said, he hasn't threatened the kids themselves.

You can't limit children's contact with their parents just because you don't love that person any more. The kids don't stop loving them.

Naturally if he is a danger to them that's a different story. But for now, until the death threats and anger etc stop, he should be supervised as you can't be sure he isn't saying things like that to them.

So, imo, I'd proceed like this:
Supervised visits for the foreseeable future with Dad, until things calm down and new DP carry on 'as normal' and play/visit with the kids etc.

00100001 Mon 11-May-15 13:39:49

should read

death threats and anger towards Mum and new Partner*

Ellie88 Mon 11-May-15 13:59:24

I don't think restricting time between your kids & partner is the answer. You'll end up being constantly dictated to by your ex. I'd carry on as you were and report ex's threats, i'd try and go for supervised visits, sending threats through the kids? Not on. Why should new partner be excluded from the kids lives because of him?

FriendofBill Mon 11-May-15 18:39:41

Why is it so important to get the next partner installed?
The loose ends are not tied up with the previous one and this has affected the children.
This is (partly) why there is a problem.

@ PP talking about 'restricting access' to new partner?
Er- what 'access' does he require then?

Get contact firmed up/agreed/stable before bringing a new man into the mix.

Put the children first.

Cherryapple1 Mon 11-May-15 18:47:34

I agree - contact centre for youngest, and eldest keep away. Report to police again and do not restrict children round new bf.

Hissy Mon 11-May-15 18:49:00

Why are you allowing your dc to good a man that has threatened to kill?


He'll kill them to hurt you.

Stop access and NOW!

Have you done the freedom programme? Does your new boyfriend play fight with you? #redflag

tread very carefully here, you are all in danger.

Hissy Mon 11-May-15 18:51:02

Abusive bastards should have no right to anything!

Contact us for the express benefit of the child.

This situation is not for the children benefit, at all.

They are bein used as a weapon against their own mother.

Twinklestein Mon 11-May-15 18:58:36

I agree - contact centre for youngest, and eldest keep away. Report to police again and do not restrict children round new bf.

Exactly this.

It's hardly 'favouring' the youngest that he has to remain in contact with this nutcase, quite the opposite.

00100001 Mon 11-May-15 21:09:21

Putting the children first does include allowing the older one to see his "dad" still. And cutting off all access when he poses no danger (apparently) to the children is just wrong.

Also, in this case, why restrict access for one and not the other? for all we know he thinks this guy is his dad, or he's been part of his life for ten years... either way, The oldest child still loves his 'dad'.

You either restrict access for both or none.

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