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I am ashamed but I don't feel love towards my mother

(13 Posts)
mrsmeerkat Mon 11-May-15 08:42:28

Long backstory. My mother has a bi personality but there's two sides to her. She's a barrel of laughs and so helpful. In reality she criticises me, phones daily with stories of illness. Cries in a chair and expects me to do her housework even while in late pregnancy. She contacts me to do favours for her like get something in a supermarket that is awkward for me to get to. I have two children under two and coping ok. But when I arrive at the house she will criticise my hair, baby socks not right colour etc. This is on going for years. I was shy as a teen and she organised a party and I brought some friends. She screamed at me when they left that I had made a mockery of her as she told eeveryone (aunts etc) that I had no friends. She was sick on the day of my hen. My graduation etc.

All the attention is on her.

Anyway when I confided in a relative that she was being hurtful they let me down badly and told her what I said (it was my brother and I will never forgive him- I pretend I get along with him to keep the peace) she got my father (who I adore) to turn on me and dh. My mother then went to see a counsellor and came to my house with a letter he told her to write and she said I made her want to end her life because of the way I treat her. Fast forward a few years things have been ok ish. I visit but am low contact in that I only phone her on occasion. I don't tell her anything. This weekend she was going to babysit. We had tickets that were expensive. Last minute she said she wasn't up to it unless my father came home. Dads phone was off so we didn't bring dc over. Then Sunday I got a phone call ask in why I didn't turn up with dc.

We have never asked before and never will again. I wouldn't have asked but they are always saying they want the dc and I know my own dc are my own responsibility but I just don't expect anything from her anymore. It's not about the concert. She never wanted me. I have never done anything wrong to her.

mrsmeerkat Mon 11-May-15 08:44:25

Big personality

EssexMummy123 Mon 11-May-15 08:47:53

Check out the stately homes thread :-)

Also, knowing how unhappy she makes you - why would you put her in charge of your children?

rembrandtsrockchick Mon 11-May-15 08:49:15

No need for the guilt. I do not love, or even like, my mother and I feel no guilt whatsoever. Mind you, I am 63 years old and have had no contact for twenty years so I'm a bit further on than you are.

You are right to keep the contact to managable levels and not to ask or expect anything from her.

mrsmeerkat Mon 11-May-15 08:50:22

She is so lovely to the children. Also my father is lovely and the whole thing is a mess.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 11-May-15 08:57:06

Not so much big personality so much as personality disordered as far as your mother is concerned. You are a bit part player in the centre of her universe in which she resides. Her behaviours with regards to your hen, graduation and teenage party (those were all occasions where you were supposed to shine) she instead made them all about her; this is precisely what narcissists do.

Its not you, its them and it is not your fault they are like this. You did not make them this way.

I would read up on narcissistic personality disorder re your mother and see how much of that fits in with your own knowledge of her to date. Also post on the "well we took you to stately homes" thread on these pages too.

I would stop all visiting; neither of them can be at all relied on. Start saying no to your mother when she phones up asking you to get some provisions; no after all is a complete sentence.

If they are too difficult for you to deal with its the same deal for your both vulnerable and defenceless children as well. Your parents were not good parents and will not be good grandparent figures either. You owe these people precisely nothing; it is they that have failed you abjectly here.

Aussiebean Mon 11-May-15 08:58:31

Go have a look t the stately homes thread.

You will see that there are many of us who have been slowly but surely grounded down by the one person that society insists on telling us is the one person that loves us unconditionally. Despite firm evidence to the contrary.

While there look at the scapegoat. That would be you. And the golden child, your brother. Your dad is the enabler.

It is a little bit of a kick in the teeth when you realise how common the script is, but also a massive refied because is all falls into place and you release the problem is them. And not you.

Have a good look through the resources on the first post too.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 11-May-15 09:00:11

She is lovely to them because they are both under 2; when they are older and start asking questions or answering them back she will be far less lovely towards them then. She may also by that time have a particular favourite (that will ruin their sibling relationship), subject them to emotional manipulation and playing them off against you their mum.

You really do need to keep your children well away from them and now. They were awful to you as a child and failed you utterly; what makes you at all think they could behave any better with your own children now?.

Zillie77 Mon 11-May-15 09:17:21

Try making your brother your ally, rather than secretly resenting him for revealing a confidence that time. He has been conditioned by your mother as well and deserves a second chance, I think. When my mother was alive, my siblings and I took comfort in comparing notes and strategies regarding her.

I think your mom may have borderline personality disorder. There is lots of good stuff about it on the Web. Hugs.

flippinada Mon 11-May-15 09:24:58

Another recommend for the stately homes thread here.

I don't think you need to feel any shame, but totally understand why you do.

Fwiw, I think your mother sounds like a complete cow.

mrsmeerkat Mon 11-May-15 09:26:32

My brother is struggling with them at the moment ironically. My other siblin has a drink problem.again they make it about them and how its worrying them. I was a good support and confident to the brother who let me down. He is alone now because they won't really have much to do with them.

agilevangelista Wed 13-May-15 22:30:33

I understand I will agree to stately homes
I'm nc with my parents my m is the worst but it took me a long time to realise my f was enabling her behaviour. again like you we had tickets for something but she hurt her back and couldn't look after dds for the day. tbf they live 3 hours away but as soon as dd1 started voicing her views they weren't interested a baby and a 3 year old were fun could dress them up like dolls. crying napping feeding etc not so much.
don't know if this will make you feel better or worse but my m elected to have a Macmillan coffee morning rather than be there for my family when I had a mastectomy due to stage 3 BC. and when I had chemo had to meet friends for lunch rather than look after my dds aged 3 and 5 so I had to go alone to all my treatments as dh obviously looked after the girls. told me it was inconvenient I'd lost my hair eyebrows and eyelashes as she wanted me to GI on a spa weekend with her friends.
good luck

heylilbunny Wed 13-May-15 23:21:55

Look up Cluster B Personality Disorders OP.

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