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Please can you reassure me or otherwise about intimate side of a new relationship . TMI sorry x

(20 Posts)
Throughthestorm Sun 10-May-15 22:48:20

Ok I ve been on here a while back because I separated from from my husband of almost 25 years ( together 27 ).
I'm 44 and we have 4 dc together 22 19 11 and 4 .
He has a gf now and we have been properly separated for over a year and a year prior to that pretty much separated under the same roof.

I've met a man who is divorced and was also married 25 years .
He is planning on moving abroad at the end of the year as he works abroad .
He has a grown up son here .
He has only ever been honest with me and like me his confidence is shattered .
We joked to begin with about a doomed rebound relationship.
Now something has happened between us that I don't think either of us expected or planned but it has .
I know we are both a little or a lot vulnerable at the moment , and we realise that , but we have made each other feel so happy .
We are planning some really nice thing s for the summer but this feels so intense .
He is a very kind honest gentleman and when he next returns to the UK in a couple of weeks we are both looking forward to dinner and a hopefully first kiss . Doesn't sound much I know but we are both nervous as hell but hugely attracted in mind and body iykwim .
I'm hoping we will at some point spend the night together but this is my worry ....
I've had 4 dc and twice had surgery fairly young for a 3 rd degree tear and a prolapse .
When I had my last child I was on the list for a repair of a Rectocele and perineal refashioning .
Basically I need my perineum re stiching it's a bit gapey and I have a bulge in my vagina which is sometimes uncomfortable . My husband of 25 years was ok with this and as its a fairly big op I kept putting it off .
Now I wish to God I'd had it done .
I mean what the hell do I say ?
I really want to make love to this man but do i tell him or just avoid intercourse which I don't want to do ?
He really is a lovely man and I'm sure he'll be fine but how the hell do I bring it up or do I ?
I'm really embarrassed about this and would appreciate any advice .
I could prob get the op done in 6 weeks but can't make love then for at least 6 weeks anyway , and we've already waited 3 months so I can't keep putting it off ....
Am I being paranoid x

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 10-May-15 22:54:32

A little paranoid, but understandable.

Be honest with him, if he cares about you - which it sounds like he does - he will understand and wait for you.

Sounds like you deserve a bit of happiness and if you don't tell him then he could think you are just rejecting him.

You both sound lovely smile

MarniRose Sun 10-May-15 22:56:13

Yes you're being paranoid but understandably so

I think your best option here is to tell him. You don't have to go into any great detail , just say that you suffered some child birth damage and that you're looking into an operation but haven't previously because of the recovery period. And then leave it to him to ask you any questions - and only answer what you feel comfortable answering

If he's a nice man then he will be reassuring and understanding . After all, wouldn't you be if he disclosed something intimate to you?

ModenaMan Sun 10-May-15 23:07:00

I would give telling him a miss, ceratinly initailly.
If you told me I would not be bothere about the appearance, more the fact it might be uncomfortable or painful. That would be at the back of my mind the most in thgat uncomfortable = lack of enjoyment.

Remember he will want to please you as much as you do him..

SolidGoldBrass Sun 10-May-15 23:43:54

Can you have intercourse without it being painful? If not, then I think telling him in a not-detailed manner that you are waiting for an op is the best way. Having sex which is going to hurt just because you feel you 'ought to' is a really crap way to start a relationship (and if he's a decent man, he will feel guilty for wanting it or doing it, especailly if you make a brave try and then end up having to make him stop because you're in pain).

If you're just worried that it looks a bit odd then a nice man probably wouldn't be bothered and you can just dim the lights. After having four DC, no one would expect you to have a chuff like a paper cut anyway.

Throughthestorm Sun 10-May-15 23:47:11

No it doesn't hurt I'm just very aware that he will probably feel the bulge ?
Thanks Marie Rose it's how to bring it up I'm worried about .

Zillie77 Sun 10-May-15 23:57:10

Pardon me if this is too much information, but I have also had four children and I have a similar bulge in my vagina, and I don't think that any man who has been around the block will care at all!! If he notices, it will doubtless strike him as just an anotomical variation, which is what it is, after all. Our vaginas change shape based on various factors, such as how much stool we have in the rectum, the time of the month, etc. Let's face it, hopefully, by the time you are about to have him experience the inside of your vagina, the two of you will be in such a marvelous frame of mind that small things like this won't matter at all. If it makes you feel more comfortable, tell him, but perhaps do it in a low-key way so he knows that you are not worried about it. My husband says that odds are he won't even notice.

SelfLoathing Mon 11-May-15 00:17:50

and when he next returns to the UK in a couple of weeks we are both looking forward to dinner and a hopefully first kiss

I think you are getting a bit ahead of yourself and rushing into sex with someone you don't really know.

Is this someone you have actually "met" in real life? or is is "met" on the internet? I mean you haven't even kissed him and you are saying you want to sleep with him. How can you know that? He may be a terrible kisser, not compatable with you or "taste" in a way you don't like!

I think you should wait until you feel comfortable enough to discuss this with him your concerns. I mean come on - if you are willing to get naked with someone and allow them inside of your body - you should easily be comfortable enough to discuss this with them. And if you are not, you are probably rushing through the stages of relationship development a little bit too fast.

Throughthestorm Mon 11-May-15 00:38:31

Gosh no we've met a few times but just coffee and walks .so far .
As I said neither of us expected this and just worried because ive never made lone to anyone apart from my husband ever so bit nervous .
The nice thing is that he is just as nervous as me .
He is adorable and this has reassured me . It will be me he's making love too and I want it to be good for both of iis if it does progress that's all .

Throughthestorm Mon 11-May-15 00:40:19

Thanks Zillie . Your post was particularly reassuring .

Zillie77 Mon 11-May-15 01:29:34

Aw, thanks! I want to add that I actually have some bladder prolapse and rectal prolapse. I have never pursued surgery because it just doesn't bother me that much. I mostly notice it when I am inserting a tampon, or washing my lower bits. Occasionally when my husband and I are having sex there is a little sense of his penis kind of gliding over one of the bumpy areas, but it is not unpleasant, just a sensation, and it does not put him off whatsoever. He really thinks that unless it is important to you, that you don't need to mention it at all.

If I were going to mention it to a man in whom I had a sexual interest, I might just ask him in general about his experience with sex and mention that as I have aged and had children, my body has changed, so it is not the "perfect" body, but that I have also gained confidence and experience which makes sex for me much better at nearly 50 than it was at 25.

Best of luck to you! Let us know how it goes!

flora717 Mon 11-May-15 07:57:31

That your considering a sexual relationship with someone new is exciting. I can see how it might be daunting. From experience of similar anxiety I'd suggest if/ when you get "there" at a future point it wont be on your mind so much. Take your time. Don't less this distract you from getting to know someone. Best wishes for an exciting new step!

flora717 Mon 11-May-15 07:58:05


Jacana Mon 11-May-15 08:12:52

And the first thing you do, TODAY, is to make an appt with your doctor for referral to have your repair job repairedgrin

Estcal Mon 11-May-15 08:32:38

Gosh no we've met a few times but just coffee and walks .so far .

Is there a reason why you haven't kissed yet? After 3 months? What level of physical contact has there been to this point?
I'm just thinking you may be jumping the gun here. Plus, what if you just don't feel it when you have the first kiss?

Estcal Mon 11-May-15 08:34:13

And the first thing you do, TODAY, is to make an appt with your doctor for referral to have your repair job repairedgrin

Yes, for definite. Even if it's not with this guy, you want to be able to enjoy your newly single life fully.

Twinklestein Mon 11-May-15 09:42:14

I agree don't tell him, he probably won't notice. If, at a later stage when you feel comfrotable with him, you want to tell him, that's fine.

Jacana Mon 11-May-15 09:44:52

Thanks for the thumbs up estcal

I'd actually say, tho, "to enjoy your life fully. Amazing how good life gets when your innArds are properly in their right place<voice of experience here>

Izzy24 Mon 11-May-15 09:48:16

He's moving abroad permanently in a few months?

HappenstanceMarmite Mon 11-May-15 09:49:14

After having four DC, no one would expect you to have a chuff like a paper cut anyway.


Book the surgery regardless of what happens with this chap.

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