Lack of Respect

[chocolateyy]

Looking for some advice re ExH.

We have been divorced for 8 years, with DS10.

ExH lives in another city, and is single (afaik), I live with DP & DS.

ExH sees DS every weekend (mid week not possible due to time constraints) from Saturday morning, until Sunday afternoon. This means I don't get a lot of "fun times" with DS, but accept that it is important for ExH to spend time with DS, so accept this.

There are, inevitably, some weekends that ExH doesn't see DS, but these are usually discussed in advance.

ExH called last night to advise of 2 weekends he is not seeing DS that he had forgotten to tell me about.

I don't go out very often, but, I have plans for both of these weekends. First is a hen night (DP is going on stag do), and my parents are on holiday. 2nd weekend, me, DP & my parents have tickets for a show.

I explained this to ExH, expecting him to say "I'm really sorry I forgot to tell you, is there anything we can do?" Instead, he ranted & raved at me, saying it was typical of me not to accept responsibility (!?!) And it was up to me to sort out babysitting for DS, he then started to call me vile names, at which point I hung up.

This is the 2nd time in as many months that he has done this (the first time because DC's holiday club hadn't announced their holiday dates & he needed to know to book holiday with DC)

DC overheard his father side of conversation last night.

I need to have a conversation with ExH to remind him that it is OUR responsibility to look after DC, and not solely mine, and to ask him to let me know when he won't be seeing DC, but more importantly that he cannot talk to me the way he did last night (& last month).

How do I approach this with him (if I simply tell him it's unacceptable, he'll blow up again), and secondly how do I approach this conversation with DC so he knows that ExH's way is not an acceptable way to talk to anyone.

Sorry for the long post.

[ALaughAMinute]

Can you email him?

I think you should keep your DC out of it as much as you can as he's too young to understand and it might upset him. Can you arrange for him to go to a couple of sleepovers?

[chocolateyy]

Thanks, my DP has offered to not go to his stag do (he's not as close to groom as I am to bride), and I've arranged a sleepover for the other.

My DC has asked me why I hung up on his father (ExH has been stirring things), and I simply said that we had had a disagreement, and maybe his father hadn't heard me say goodbye!

Yes, I think an email might be best!

Thanks

[Lweji]

I have a 10 year old and TBH I wouldn't hide too much from him. Children will easily make up worse stories than reality.

As for your exH, he should pick up responsibility for DS those weekends and sort out childcare for then, or be very, very apologetic. Email him and ask him how he'd like if you told him at some point that he had to cancel holiday plans because suddenly you were going on holiday and were dropping DS with him.
Or suggest he becomes the resident parent.

[chocolateyy]

Thanks Lweji, I did ask him last night if he would like me to try to arrange childcare for him for the 2 weekends, and his reply was "well, you need to sort it out, you're pathetic".

I'm just disappointed I guess, because I always prided myself on having a decent relationship with him, and feel he's let down DS.

[faitaccompli]

Why not suggest that you change to every other weekend, and the person who is due to have that weekend is in charge of childcare if they can't make it. It must be a little dififcult for your ex H never to have a weekend? You can then arrange weekends pretty much a year in advance.

[chocolateyy]

Thanks faitaccompli, I did suggest that about 6 months ago, because DC was turning down sleepovers because he thought his father would be upset because he was travelling to see him & he wouldn't be available.

However, ExH said he was aware that in a few years DC would want to spend weekends with his friends so wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, and talked to DC & agreed to do sleepovers on Fridays, if possible.

He's normally a great Dad (terrible DH, but great Dad), but he's very, very moody & sulky, and I'm still bearing the brunt of it

[Quitelikely]

Some people really are unbelievable.

I would be telling him in no uncertainty that on those days ds is his responsibility and it is he who must make alternative arrangements. Tell him the next time it happens there will be consequences.

He is clearly treating you with a lack of respect, stand up to him.

Hanging up was a good idea.

It's also a good idea to be honest with your ds. Not name calling but give him the facts as they happen (if you feel he needs to know)

[Twinklestein]

I hope your son doesn't feel like neither of you want him.

Tbh I'd rather spend time with a son I don't get many weekends with, who's coming up to adolescence and won't see for dust shortly, than go to a hen party, but that's me.

Your ex is totally out of order, and I can see why he's an ex, but other than his unreliability I can see that this is a disaster. Could you take your son to the show or see something he'd enjoy instead?

[chocolateyy]

No, Twinklestein my son definitely doesn't feel like that.

I accept that people make mistakes, that's not my issue necessarily, it's the way he has dealt with his mistake, then chosen to involve DC.

Unfortunately, my ExH doesn't know any of my DS's friends, & his mother isn't able to babysit, which was why I sorted it out for him.

I've sent him a text message saying that I have sorted the problem he created, and that, in future, if he cannot speak to me with respect, and show our DS that, then he shouldn't talk to me, and we should have all conversations with text or e-mail.