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Please Help

(109 Posts)
LyingDP Sun 10-May-15 18:08:30

I've NC'd but am a regular poster here, and have started a good few lighthearted pointless threads, I'm afraid this one is decidedly more serious. sad It is long but I don't want to dripfeed.
I will try and keep this as brief as possible, thank you to anyone who replies - I really need some advice.
I have been with my DP for four years. He is the kindest, funniest man I know and my soulmate.
About 6 months into the relationship, I found some pretty flirty messages between him and a woman at work. I told him to stop, that it was disrepectful. He promised he would.
About another 6 months after that I found some more (to the same woman) and hit the roof. He said he would never do it again and just felt bad for her because her DH had recently died, but that he would stop.
About a year after that I found the same sort of messages to the same woman. I was devastated, I left him, lived at a friends,he was inconsolable. We worked through it and he has not (to my knowledge) text her again. Let me be clear - They were not 'Oh my god they are fucking' messages, more silly, flity ones. Stuff like 'Do you want soup?It's upstairs' - 'Only if it's as hot as you' 'I've got new uniform' 'Oh I've always liked a woman in uniform'
God reading that back it's so shit.
He changed the settings on his phone so all messages immeadiatley came through to the ipad I own, let me go through his phone if I wanted to, etc etc, and was by all accounts determined to show me he wouldn't do it again.
Anyway, we got through it - Been together about two and a half years at thsi point.
About a year ago, almost to the day, I found a weird blue pack of pills in his bag. They were open and a few had been taken. He at first said they were nothing, just headache pills. I didn't believe him so looked up the name of them. Obviously it was viagra.
I confronted him and he 'came clean' and said they were for his boss (He part owns a garage with him and tbf they are very close)
After I asked why the hell he would pop a few out of the packet and give them to him just in his hand, then keep the half empty pack himself, he said it was because his boss didn't want his wife finding the pack and he would pop them just as he got home. confused
After I pointed out that it really wasn't a big deal, that ED is really quite common, he said that this boss was too embarassed to go to the doctors.
I told him I wasn't happy with him getting them for him (He said he got them from a bloke at work) and he agreed he would stop. A few months later I found the same blue pack in his bag again. I again told him this was dodgy as fuck and to stop. He apologised again, was really upset and said he would tell his boss he couldn't get them for him anymore. When he came back from work that day, unprompted, he said: 'I've told * I can't get him his pills anymore as it's causing me and LyingDP some problems' He said his boss was fine with this and that was that.
A few months later I was in our house at the top window when he pulled up outside. I saw him sitting in his van, take something from his bag and put it behind the visor. He came in and I made some excuse to go outside. They were viagras. It came out that (of course) they were for him and he had just been too ashamed to tell me. He was bawling his eyes out.
I pointed out to him that, having seen my calm and reasoned reaction whe I thought his boss was taking them (nothing to be ashamed of etc), he had no reason to keep this from me.
We have a very open and honest relationship, our sex life was fine. He said a few times he hadn't managed to get it up and he was embarrased.
I am 10 years younger than him and he said he felt ashamed. (I should point out at this point he was drinking about 2-3 cans a night)
We went to counselling. He stopped his drinking. We cried and he said he doesn't know why he lies, just that he doesn't think. I don't think it's malicous. I think he genuinely is a people pleaser and doesn't think of the conesequences.
As part of the counselling, he wrote a kind of 'pledge' that said:
I promise to be truthful and honest with LyingDP, that I will not lie, No matter how big or small and signed and dated it. He carries it around with him in his wallet.
I made it very clear throughout all of this that were it to transpire that he'd lied to me again, no matter how big or small, I had no choice but to leave him. He agreed.
That was a year ago.
We muddled through and I can honestly say we are the best we've ever been, and I have been the happiest and safest I've ever felt.
Cut to today and I don't know what to do.
A week ago we went to a restaurant for our anniversary. He said £40 was through tips at work that he was putting towards it.
I had a pushbike that he kept at his work that he bought for me about two years ago. I don't use it.
My sister (who's DH works with him) mentioned 'Oh, my DH says you've sold your bike?'
So I asked my DP about it today, expecting him to say he hadn't and it was crossed wires.
He'd sold my bike, and, so he said, had used the £30 (???It was a nice bike) to go towards our date night.
He told me he had got all that money from tips. He said nothing about selling my bike or getting the money from it. I don't know how he was going to wriggle out of it when I inevitably asked for my bike.
Had he of asked me if he could sell my bike, I would have said yes. He knows this.
He lied again.
Please help me. I know all on paper this looks awful and I have no doubt what many will be thinking. Imagining my life without him brings me to sobs. I don't know where to start.
If I don't leave it will be succumbing to a relationship where, at a rate of approx one a year, i will be deceived, whether big or small.
I don't have a choice, do I??

LIZS Sun 10-May-15 18:13:29

You know the answer. The lies go well beyond selling a bike and a few pills. He almost wants to be caught out and avoid having to be honest with you himself. Do you have dc together?

BramblePie Sun 10-May-15 18:15:17

I made it very clear throughout all of this that were it to transpire that he'd lied to me again, no matter how big or small, I had no choice but to leave him. He agreed.

Thats your answer. Sorry.

CharlotteCollins Sun 10-May-15 18:16:51

No, sorry. You put your line in the sand and he shrugged and stepped over it.

Hold your nerve. You will get through this.

You've had to do too much parenting of him in any case. That's not a good sign in itself.

LineRunner Sun 10-May-15 18:17:18

God I'm sorry. This must be so awful for you to deal with.

He has been quite cruel to you. Maybe unthinking, but nevertheless very upsetting. I can't see how he will change.

LyingDP Sun 10-May-15 18:17:49

Thank you for replying.
He has one DC from a previous relationship but she does not live with us, but we are very close and I love her.
I do know the answer.
I just need strength - I don't know where to start. We live together, I have a relatively ok job but I don't have the money for deposit for a house share right now.
You think he wants to be caught out? You don't think he's just shit at this?

LyingDP Sun 10-May-15 18:18:43

You're right.
You're all right.
I can't stop crying.

Finola1step Sun 10-May-15 18:19:47

It sounds like his lying is his default position. Nothing you do or say will change this. He will try to be on his best behaviour but will slip up eventually.

LIZS Sun 10-May-15 18:20:24

He's like a toddler, pushing at the boundary until you snap.

whattodoforthebest2 Sun 10-May-15 18:21:52

He's being deceitful over and over again. Even after splitting up and reconciling, he's done it again. He's not going to stop and you know that. Constantly checking up on him about what he's saying would drive me nuts. Walk away from the drama, worry and stress that this is causing you. This is not someone you want to spend a lifetime with.

Optimist1 Sun 10-May-15 18:22:15

On the Scale of How Bad is This Lie, the flirty texts were pretty bad, the Viagra pretty bad but understandable and the bike not too bad at all, IMO. I can imagine you can talk yourself into thinking that none of these is really a deal-breaker and that now you're aware of his propensity to cover up the truth you'll be able to cope with it in the future.

But ... I have to wonder how many other lies has he told over the years that you haven't caught him out in? Could you face never being 100% sure of what he's told you (be it about trivial things like bikes or less trivial)?


LyingDP Sun 10-May-15 18:22:46

Finola, that's very true. It seems it's his natural state to be in, and anythign other than that is temporary.
LIZS, yep. Pretty much.

I'm at my mums 200 miles away at the moment. I will have to go back tommorow evening for work.
How do I move forward?

ShootTheMoon Sun 10-May-15 18:25:49

I'm sorry that he's putting you through this. But please do remember that these are only the instances in which he's been caught - his deception sounds ingrained and habitual so there is probably a lot more going on than you realise.

whattodoforthebest2 Sun 10-May-15 18:25:57

Ask him to leave and give you space to sort your life out, without him. Do you have someone in RL you can talk to about it?

ImperialBlether Sun 10-May-15 18:27:44

What the hell is up with this guy? Really, what is his problem?

I can understand the lies about his messages to the other woman - tbh I wouldn't trust him an inch after that. But the Viagra? Surely that's a problem for a couple, not for just him? Didn't you notice he needed it or that he was different with it? And why the hell did he sell your bike?

Tbh if I had to make my partner write a promise not to lie and carry it with him at all times, I'd think I'd entered the twilight zone.

LyingDP Sun 10-May-15 18:28:20

Optimist that's exactly what my friend said. Like, if he's lying about such shitty small things, what else is he lying about?

CheersMedea Sun 10-May-15 18:31:05

and the bike not too bad at all, IMO.

I disagree with this. I think this is pretty bad - because he sold HER property without asking her AND then lied about it.

Sorry OP, honestly, this has me totally stumped. I have no idea as to how you move forward Given the counselling and the promise/pledge of no more lies, I guess you have two options - leave or put up with it.

You've been through the "this is your last chance" stage - so there's no where else to go is there really - either accept this is your lot in life or leave him.

magoria Sun 10-May-15 18:33:00

He is a liar plain and simple.

I suggest you get an STI test just incase the viagra is for him when not with you (guilt may be having this affect...) and the other woman wasn't just innocent flirting.

ImperialBlether Sun 10-May-15 18:35:00

I have to say I wouldn't think the Viagra was for him. Why leave it in the car if it is?

whattodoforthebest2 Sun 10-May-15 18:36:31

If there was an OW it would make sense.

AnyFucker Sun 10-May-15 18:39:08

Is he a builder/joiner ?

op, he knew what was at stake here if he lied again

you have to follow through with your ultimatum or accept that this is how you will live your life....simply waiting for the next time you catch him out with nothing more substantial than sand under your feet

pocketsaviour Sun 10-May-15 18:42:03

If you don't leave, having already giving him an ultimatum once, he's going to know he can do pretty much anything and get away with it.

Of course, he's probably already doing that. Lying is this man's default position.

GiddyOnZackHunt Sun 10-May-15 18:47:10

Sorry that he has brought you to this.

It occurs to me that whilst you're seeing them as individually not so bad (but realising that he won't stop lying) you aren't looking at it from the other side.

What sort of idiot is he to throw away a good woman for such pointless lies? He's a fool. He's destroying you for what? A meal out with him as the provider? You'll be well shot of someone that hopeless.

Filthyandgorgeous Sun 10-May-15 18:49:23

It's not just lying though is it? He sold your property without your knowledge and then used the proceeds to pay for your birthday meal. That is insulting.

Is he in trouble with money too but lying and covering it up?

And the Viagra. Are you sure he needed it for you?

WicksEnd Sun 10-May-15 18:58:07

Sorry OP it the bike is the least of your worries IMO. What use is Viagra if he's using it for sex with you when it's in his van? None.

I'm pretty sure you'd know if he'd had a Viagra before having sex with you. Has he been lasting a lot longer?

Sorry but it's all bullshit.

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