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Heartbroken and worried and I don't know what to do

(105 Posts)
Grapeeatingweirdo Sun 10-May-15 16:02:23

My DP is in his mid-forties and I'm 30. We have been together for nearly six years and he has two teenaged children (who I really like and get on well with, they are great and never have been an issue between us).

The problem, I think, when I try and articulate it into something logical, is that he procrastinates and is a bit of a borderline alcoholic.

Good points first: he is an incredibly loving man, affectionate, cuddly and always ready with a kiss and a cuddle whenever I want/need one.

He is also very bright and intelligent, with a great sense of humour. He seems to love life and throw himself into it 100%.

Bad point: he lied about still being married. He had been separated for five years when we started dating and told me he was divorced on our first date. At the time I felt for him and saw it as one of the things that often comes with dating someone 15 years older.

I found out he was separated and not divorced in 2011 after being with him for a year and a half. That was awful and it was very embarrassing because everyone knew except me that I had not been told the truth.

He says he will sort it out so that we can get married ourselves. It's been four years and nothing has happened. He has worries about his tax code changing and some unpaid bills, which is his reason for being wary of rocking the boat.

I'm 30 and I want so much more than this now. I've been with the man I love for almost six years and we are still in exactly the same place we were at the very beginning.

As well as this, he often goes out and gets absolutely obliterated. We don't have any DC ourselves, so it's not an issue from that perspective, but it's horrible when he "goes out for one" and rolls in stinking of shots at seven am and totally ruins our plans for the day.

Last straw was that he rolled in high on MDMA this morning and I had to sit with him for four hours while it wore off. He was clenching his jaw in a really weird way and saying strange stuff.

Am I being unreasonable to want more for my life? I do love him so much though.

AnyFucker Sun 10-May-15 16:04:39

Dear God

The man lied about his marital status, he is an alcoholic drug taker and you are looking after him on his comedowns like the worried mother of a 16yo

But he gives nice cuddles

Fuck me

Grapeeatingweirdo Sun 10-May-15 16:05:25

While under the influence of the drug, he told me that I was a crap girlfriend and that he only kept me around because I am "fit".

I reminded him of it this morning and he was mortified.

AnyFucker Sun 10-May-15 16:06:30

who is he taking MDMA with ?

AnyFucker Sun 10-May-15 16:07:05

out of the mouths of drug-up losers, eh ?

you must be utterly desperate, love

AnyFucker Sun 10-May-15 16:07:23

drugged

Whathaveilost Sun 10-May-15 16:07:45

You are fool to yourself if you stay.
Nobody is going to say any different.

Grapeeatingweirdo Sun 10-May-15 16:08:07

He went out and says he was offered it by a "random" but that it was a large bit. I have never taken drugs so I have no idea what this means or if it is dangerous.

I'm torn between wanting to kill him and being really worried he has damaged himself.

Grapeeatingweirdo Sun 10-May-15 16:10:04

I think what has always kept me around is the closeness we have 70/80% of the time.

I have only ever had one other boyfriend who was violent with emotional problems.

I know this doesn't paint me in the most positive light.

AnyFucker Sun 10-May-15 16:11:20

a man in his mid 40's socialising with "randoms" and taking MDMA ?

then he tells you what he really thinks of you when under the influence

he must think you are really stupid

AnyFucker Sun 10-May-15 16:11:51

it looks like you swopped one abuser for another sad

ImperialBlether Sun 10-May-15 16:12:10

You know what? I don't believe people ever say things they don't mean when they're under the influence. They might say things they didn't mean to say, or they might wish they hadn't said it, but they mean it alright.

So, why are you wasting your time with a drug taking alcoholic who is still married BECAUSE OF HIS TAX CODE!!! For god's sake, OP, that is the most pathetic, stupid reason it's possible to give. Does he think he'll pay more tax if he divorces? Less? What? It's ridiculous.

This image of you sitting with him, as a PP said, like he's a teenager, is embarrassing to think of.

Count yourself lucky you have no children and break free from this loser.

You will have a lovely life without him.

Grapeeatingweirdo Sun 10-May-15 16:13:24

Probably. I'm so depressed right now that I can't see the wood for the trees. I have ASD but work in a high pressure job, have a masters degree and have even written a book - but I feel like a complete idiot and know that he probably thinks the same deep down.

Shuang Sun 10-May-15 16:13:36

Grape it sounds just the fact of him lying about marital status only provides a reason to walk away.

separation for over 5 years. He could file for divorce even with an uncooperative ex - no?

You are 30 and 'fit' - go and get a better man for your (very young) self! x

AnyFucker Sun 10-May-15 16:14:37

you are wasting your youth on this fucking loser

Bluestocking Sun 10-May-15 16:16:36

He sounds awful. And pathetic. And embarrassing. A dog would give you nice cuddles, OP, and the only crap you'd have to deal with would be the actual crap that goes in the doggy bag. FGS get rid of this ghastly loser.

candlesandlight Sun 10-May-15 16:16:48

Pack a bag , you are obviously worth more than this.Sounds like he will never grow up, mid 40s and taking drugs from "random" people , doesn't sound like a mature adult. Don't waste your time waiting on him to grow up x

tsonlyme Sun 10-May-15 16:18:17

I do believe that people say things they don't mean under the influence, but it might be worth bearing in mind that MDMA was, for a while, used as a truth drug.

Sorry sad

sadwidow28 Sun 10-May-15 16:20:35

Whatever reason/excuse he is giving you for not wanting to divorce (the tax code) it is just not good enough.

As for 'bordering' alcoholic ..... think again. He doesn't know how to go out for one or two. He drinks through the night. Where is he drinking? Where is he doing his drugs? At someone's house?

I had an alcoholic brother living with me for 2 years. I had a rule - not in by midnight and I locked and bolted the door. Dealing with an alcoholic is life on a knife's edge. It starts to spoil every day because whenever they are out, you worry how far they will go this time. Two years of cleaning up vomit, finding empty bottles around the house and throwing a duvet on him wherever he had collapsed. Two years of worry for me - until he didn't come home one night at all. I ended up with the police at my door at 10.20am to say that he had collapsed and died on his way home the night before.

You seem to think it is okay at the moment because you don't have children. You could never have children with this man unless there was a TOTAL CHANGE in his values and behaviour. You are 30 years old. Time to cut and run as fast as you can. You deserve more than the crumbs he is giving you.

PeaceOfWildThings Sun 10-May-15 16:21:00

You owe him nothing. You owe yourself your life back.

You do realise too that you are enabling his alcoholism and drug habit and it will get worse. If you stay together long term it is likely that he will look at you 10, 20 years from now and think that you are no longer 'fit'. By then your co-dependency is unlikely to allow any wriggle room and going downhill from there can only mean more abuse.

Leave, cut all ties. Don't look back.

Filthyandgorgeous Sun 10-May-15 16:21:06

You've wasted six years on this awful man. What a waster.

ImperialBlether Sun 10-May-15 16:22:10

So, OP, imagine yourself in the future with a daughter this age.

You're so proud of this daughter - she has a Masters, a good job, written a novel. You love her to bits. She's struggled with a disability and still done ten times more than most women her age. She's had a violent relationship in the past and you were worried sick about her, but she got away from that - an amazing feat.

You then see her with a man who's 15 years older. He's unreliable, going out for a drink and not returning for 12 hours. He takes drugs - will take anything, in fact, even off random people on a night out. He drinks far too much. He insults her when he's drunk.

What would you tell your daughter? Would you want that life for her?

What WOULD you want for her? What do you think she'd need to be happy?

Rebecca2014 Sun 10-May-15 16:22:42

He sounds like a total embarrassment. He sounds like the type of older man I would avoid on the street, really pathetic behaviour at that age.

A lot of women date older men because they are meant to be more mature and sorted...

tribpot Sun 10-May-15 16:22:49

Good points: he gives you cuddles
Bad points: he is married to someone else, refuses to get divorced, is an alcoholic (or at best destructive binge drinker) and took a substance proffered by a supposedly random stranger that turned out to be MDMA and you had to manage his high.

You realise that his teenaged children behave better than he does?

It's not that uncommon to be a high achiever with low self esteem. You've also fallen for the 'at least he doesn't hit me' trap of people who have escaped abusive relationships but never confronted the psychological damage that put or kept them there.

So the good news is, you are 30 and have no kids with this loser. Some time on your own will do you immeasurable good - build up your self-esteem and your confidence and still leave you with plenty of time to meet someone to have children with.

Go and don't look back.

MrsEvadneCake Sun 10-May-15 16:24:46

Six years more of this? Does that sound enjoyable? Of wondering what time he will roll in drunk and waiting to see if he chokes on his vomit or passes out somewhere?

You are worth more than this lovely. Do not waste anymore time on this. You've just swapped one type of abuse for another.

Please leave him and put your happiness first.

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