DH and I have been together for 12 years. We have two preschool aged DC. We have had a lot of problems over the years mainly due to issues from our childhoods and the arguing got out Of control until he moved out during an argument six months ago.
I have maintained that I love him and want to do all we can to resolve the problems, he has sometimes said he loves me, sometimes said he doesn't (more often that he doesn't) but always says he doesn't love me and thinks the marriage can't work during arguments/discussions and not at any other time. We have started counselling but as the arguments had become abusive we are seeing separate counsellors and then having 4 way meetings monthly or so. We both have a lot of pressures in our daily lives due to me having an older disabled child, me being ill, his job placing huge demands on him etc.
Yesterday and again today DH told me he didn't love me. This was because I tried to discuss our marriage with him and he finds it hard to talk about things. He can't cope if I get upset/cry and this results in him getting frustrated/angry. This is when he says he doesn't love me.
The thing is, I feel like he has the best of both worlds at the moment, his own place and space, being able to choose whether he visits here or not, able to turn up when he wants, work long hours with no family pressure. He does have the DC some weekends, but this is based a little on his work commitments. He often has dinner here, he sometimes stays, saying it's to help with the DC but will sometimes sleep with/have sex with me, although this is largely due to my instigation. When we do have sex it's as great as it's ever been.
I have a huge fear of my being loved due to my childhood (very horribly neglectful and emotionally abusive, I was also sexually abused) and he knows this. He says he doesn't want to hurt me but he knows what he says hurts me. He must do.
I'm wondering whether I should just walk away now to save myself from any more hurt? If the marriage is definitely over I will have to move and it's not easy to find places to rent nearby but there is somewhere suitable currently available. If I see the counselling through things may not be resolvable and it may be harder to find somewhere to live then.
I just don't know what to do. I feel i have to now assume he doesn't love me or why would he keep saying it?
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Leave or hold out for counselling?
8 replies
Neweverything · 10/05/2015 15:42
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