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Leave or hold out for counselling?

(9 Posts)
Neweverything Sun 10-May-15 15:42:34

DH and I have been together for 12 years. We have two preschool aged DC. We have had a lot of problems over the years mainly due to issues from our childhoods and the arguing got out Of control until he moved out during an argument six months ago.

I have maintained that I love him and want to do all we can to resolve the problems, he has sometimes said he loves me, sometimes said he doesn't (more often that he doesn't) but always says he doesn't love me and thinks the marriage can't work during arguments/discussions and not at any other time. We have started counselling but as the arguments had become abusive we are seeing separate counsellors and then having 4 way meetings monthly or so. We both have a lot of pressures in our daily lives due to me having an older disabled child, me being ill, his job placing huge demands on him etc.

Yesterday and again today DH told me he didn't love me. This was because I tried to discuss our marriage with him and he finds it hard to talk about things. He can't cope if I get upset/cry and this results in him getting frustrated/angry. This is when he says he doesn't love me.

The thing is, I feel like he has the best of both worlds at the moment, his own place and space, being able to choose whether he visits here or not, able to turn up when he wants, work long hours with no family pressure. He does have the DC some weekends, but this is based a little on his work commitments. He often has dinner here, he sometimes stays, saying it's to help with the DC but will sometimes sleep with/have sex with me, although this is largely due to my instigation. When we do have sex it's as great as it's ever been.

I have a huge fear of my being loved due to my childhood (very horribly neglectful and emotionally abusive, I was also sexually abused) and he knows this. He says he doesn't want to hurt me but he knows what he says hurts me. He must do.

I'm wondering whether I should just walk away now to save myself from any more hurt? If the marriage is definitely over I will have to move and it's not easy to find places to rent nearby but there is somewhere suitable currently available. If I see the counselling through things may not be resolvable and it may be harder to find somewhere to live then.

I just don't know what to do. I feel i have to now assume he doesn't love me or why would he keep saying it?

Joysmum Sun 10-May-15 16:01:44

I couldn't be with anyone who couldn't let me express myself and my feelings and didn't want to talk about theirs.

How could things ever change otherwise?

Mostlyjustaluker Sun 10-May-15 16:17:07

He moved out 6 months ago and says he does not love you. There is no relationship here other than shared parenting. Oh and he gets a shag when he wants one.

If he wanted to fix your relationship he would have started counselling along time ago. He hasn't and he does not want to.

pocketsaviour Sun 10-May-15 16:23:39

always says he doesn't love me and thinks the marriage can't work during arguments/discussions and not at any other time.

When else do you expect him to tell you this? In front of your DC? While you're having sex?

I'm sorry and I know it hurts, but this marriage is over. He could not be more clear on how he feels. He doesn't love you, he doesn't want to be married to you. Please stop having sex with him and trying to persuade him to come back, because it's not going to happen.

Unless you're happy just being used for food and sex, that is?

AnyFucker Sun 10-May-15 16:26:45

Bloody hell, he has it made doesn't he ?

His own bachelor pad, a bit of childcare when he can manage it, food and sex on tap at your gaff and managed to wriggle out of any pressure to put any work into your relationship at all

You are being made a mug of

Ultimatum time, I think. For you, not him. He has no incentive to change the way things are right now.

you need to shit or get off the pot

Neweverything Sun 10-May-15 17:04:20

I suppose I would hope that he would sit down and talk to me at a time when it is calm and we can talk properly.

I'm not happy being used. Of course not. I suppose I've just hung on in the hope it could be sorted out and not just for me but also for the DC.

AnyFucker, I know you're absolutely right and he has no incentive to change. I just feel so bloody sad about it all.

AnyFucker Sun 10-May-15 19:14:23

I am sorry, love sad

I would cut your losses now. Waiting for him to see the light was a pointless exercise and has only devalued you further (in his eyes)

Be strong now and think about what is best for you, not just what feels safe and familiar

Quite often those two things are miles apart thanks

Neweverything Sun 10-May-15 22:07:11

Thankyou. I know you're right of course. Tbh, even if he did love me he's not exactly bring kind by saying hurtful things anyway.

I have applied for a job I really want and although it will be hard to manage it's something I'd really like to do and would be good at, so I'm hoping I'll get it and will apply for others in the same field.

I did look at a house to rent a while ago too and it's still available, so I'll ring about it tomorrow as they weren't sure if the landlord would accept pets.

AnyFucker Sun 10-May-15 22:34:06

That sounds like a good plan thanks

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