Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

if you were asked out on a date by a woman you've just met

(179 Posts)
beaglesaresweet Sun 10-May-15 01:34:44

I mean, not just asked out under pretence, but actually for a drink and 'to see how you feel'. If you were a single woman over 50, and not had gay relationships but if you were 'off men', not dating and bad recent history with men, would you be curious enough to at least go on a date without giving any promises? Assuming you do like the look and personality of the person who asked you, of course.

What I really want to know is, how many women would consider an experiment with a stranger who appealed to them in general terms, at least as far as kissing. And how many would reject it out of habit of a lifetime, or the fact that they are not open-minded enough?

Would you feel that because you've never done it before by your 50s-60s, there is no point expermenting as you can't be attarcted and it would be too ridiculous or reckless ?

I was reading about Navratilova, apparently she came out as a bi- first, but really she calls herself gay now. Her wife had a husband and kids before. But you know, this is celebs, would an older 'normal' woman with grown kids be brave enough)?

Another question, would you ignore the offer if not interested, I'm talking about texting or online, or would you politely reply with a 'no thanks' and be flattered if you've only met that woman once?

CaoNiMa Sun 10-May-15 03:40:40

If I were you, I would definitely give it a go!

Milllli Sun 10-May-15 04:12:33

I wouldn't be interested because I am not attracted to woman.

TheCowThatLaughs Sun 10-May-15 04:19:48

It'd depend on whether I found the woman attractive. I'd consider it at least. Tbh I probably wouldn't bother, whether it was a man or a woman, but that's just how I feel at the moment about relationships

BitOfFun Sun 10-May-15 04:24:25

I probably just couldn't be arsed. It's the same as agreeing to a date with a bloke you just don't fancy, but go along with for the sake of a quiet life and the myth of "Hey, I might make a friend that I don't really need ".

It's just wasting everybody's time.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 10-May-15 04:26:09

I'd only go on the understanding that it wasn't definitely a date. I'd be happy to meet up for a drink, but as potential friends at first, at least.

But then I've never been attracted to a woman so far so a date with one wouldn't be on my list of things to do.

KensingtonRose Sun 10-May-15 04:30:29

Go for it. One of the happiest couples I know are a lesbian couple who were both previously married to men.

Regret the things you do, not the things you don't do.

BitOfFun Sun 10-May-15 04:35:37

It's nice for the old ego to feel flattered, but it doesn't really constitute a basis on which to humour someone into a fantasy of a dating relationship if you have no genuine interest in them beyond feeling a bit chuffed by their attention.

Zillie77 Sun 10-May-15 06:30:22

I have been asked out by women a few times, but each time I was in a relationship (with a man) so I said no. I tried to be very kind and affirming about it, though. I didn't want anyone to feel humiliated or ashamed for asking. I am honestly not sure what I would have done has I been single at that time. (I was much younger then.) Reversing things, would I ask out a man I knew to be gay? No. So probably, were I a lesbian, I would not ask out a woman I knew to be straight. Now, would I go on a date with a woman, as a straight woman? Probably not, not unless I felt a compelling attraction to her up front.

Mouthfulofquiz Sun 10-May-15 09:01:47

If you are honest with her that you are unsure (but if you do actually find her attractive) then why not?

AnyFucker Sun 10-May-15 09:13:19

I am a bit puzzled how this came about

Women don't often ask other women on "dates" unless there is some understanding that both are interested in a sexual relationship with the same sex

have you chatted already about this or did it come completely out of the blue ?

Milllli Sun 10-May-15 12:02:35

I remember on Sex and the City, Charlotte enjoying hanging out with a bunch of lesbian women and enjoying the female energy etc. One of the women said to her that unless she liked eating pussy then she was wasting everyone's time ( or something like that). Think that's the bottom line though isn't it?

Joysmum Sun 10-May-15 12:49:02

My friends who are either lesbian or bi will have all been through the same quandary at some point in their lives and would understand how you're feeling now.

Why not say that you aren't sure and let this lady decide for herself? After all, it may well be that you're both friendship material and a sexual relationship not materialize.

beaglesaresweet Sun 10-May-15 13:17:19

thank you all so much for replies.

Mouthfulofquiz, that's exactly my mentality and also what's I'd hope for. I did say IF you found her attractive in general terms, looks, personality from what you've seen. There has to be an attraction and then it's a matter of an open mind, but my main dilemma is, women over 50 may not have as open a min, not just generational but because they think they well know themselves by now. There is of course a chance that a woman had been wondering but never had an opportunity with someone she likes.

AF, no prior discussion, just met and felt that attraction. I sort of flirted a little and showed I liked her, she seemed rather receptive but nothing obviously sexual. We were not on our own.

Personally I think I may be bi but restricted to a small number of women iykwim, it's usually nothing but with very few I feel a strong attraction. Unlike men, I have to seriously like the personality to be so attarcted. I'd love to try a date with her, But I can't know for sure whether it can work for me until I have a chance with someone I'm interested in. I'm not talking about jumping on them straight away, a date would be a drink date to see how it goes.

Rose, that's usually my motto, thanks. Otoh I've had enough rejections in my time! from men so far, in the past. Somehow because it's novel and not conventional, I'm not worried about actual rejection, but I'll be sorry if she didn't give it a chance.

Millli, yes I remember that. Often women are not lesbians but have some degree of attraction. For then it's not about sex per se, it's more love and attraction to that particular look/type. The woman I'm talking about is of a type that if she was a man I'd also fancy him , like if she had a twin brother. But for a while I've lost my drive towards men, I think physically men are not as attarctive as many of the women when over 50. Or maybe I've always had a bi tendency and it's stronger now that I'm older.

Thumb, it's a bit late to pretend it's about friendship, otoh it's just a drink and no pressure/expectation, and that's how it was worded. I can't be arsed with a friendship route, we are not going to meet by chance socially and offering friendship after one meeting is even more odd in a way. I could contrive some sort of invite to an event etc, but it could drag on for months and may feel like I have an agenda, but she wouldn't know what agenda. And most of all, I find it hard to be cool and just friendly when I'm attracted, just want to know if there is any interest or not. I'm obviously interested in her as a person and a friend too so if we went for a drink and no personal interest, I would be interested friendship if she didn't feel awkward about it.

Sorry if haven't responded to all, I've read everything.

beaglesaresweet Sun 10-May-15 13:24:57

Joys, cross-posted! I very much agree/would accept the 'unsure' response. But I so want to go and have a drink and see. Careful and all that but did your friends respond to an offer and found out they are bi (or just confirmed it if they were curious) that way in later life? Or did htey mostly asked a gay woman who they knew to be gay?

Zillie, I do mean if there is a compelling attarction, but of course when you ask someone out you don't that it's mutual for sure! I did think of asking out a gay man, but couldn't bring myself (once), somehow it's more scary. With a woman, I feel anyone could take initiative f there is a vibe. Gay men often very confusing as they can be tactile and you fancy him but it doesn't mean anything, also I find women express so much more with their eyes. Just feel it's more playful and non-scary than asking a gay man (or even a hetero man in some cases).

BitOutOfPractice Sun 10-May-15 13:25:16

I would never ever EVER not do something because it might be "ridiculous or reckless" (unless it was actually danger ous of course!) So don't let that stop you! Life is way too short!

If I liked the person and found them attractive, I'd gie it a go. What have you got to loose?

beaglesaresweet Sun 10-May-15 13:27:19

some missing words there, sorry.

beaglesaresweet Sun 10-May-15 13:30:34

great, Bit. That's exactly what I'm thinking, glad I'm not the only reckless one. Nothing to lose, as you say. Nice to hear encouragement. Of course not everyome is like that, this woman might be too cautious or just not interested.

No many people answered whether you'd ignore or respond politely if not interested? I think ignoring is much more rejecting somehow.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 10-May-15 13:36:36

All right so I think I read this wrong first time out - it's you who wants to ask someone else out on a date, right?

You say it's gone too far - but does the other woman know this? Or is it just "too far" for you, for it to just be about friends? Because you want to get to know her more, obviously.

I think in your place I'd chance it, but not make it a date (still). Ask to meet up with her for a drink, see how you get on with getting to know one another, and at some point in the evening a chance will arise for you to ask her if she's interested in taking it further. if she says no, she's not interested at all, then it's up to you where you go with it next (and her, of course! She might want to leave at that point) - but if she's even a little bit interested, it could lead to something more, but you might have to go slower than you'd completely like.

I used to know a woman who was married, straight as far as she was concerned, but who ended up in a lesbian relationship with a lesbian, because she fell in love with that person. She'd never looked with attraction at another woman before or since, but she loves her partner because of who she is.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 10-May-15 13:37:24

Sorry, xposted. If you made it an absolute that it was a date, then I'd politely decline.

ravenmum Sun 10-May-15 13:42:46

If I fancied the other woman, why not? No more reckless than going out with a man I fancied, is it?
If I felt something, but wasn't sure if the feeling would stay when we were in bed as I'd never tried it before, I'd warn her that was how I felt and see whether she was still ready to try it.
If I didn't fancy her I'd say "That's very nice of you, but I'm pretty sure I'm not gay. Sorry about the flirting, it was the wine" smile
I wouldn't ignore her if we'd already been introduced, as it's rude.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 10-May-15 13:46:36

I would respond saying how very very falttered I was but that I was busy / not looking to date. I would never ignore

Leviticus Sun 10-May-15 13:48:49

Going out with a woman because you are off men will not make you gay so no, I would not waste her time.

beaglesaresweet Sun 10-May-15 14:28:35

Leviticus, I'm not just somewhat off men, I'm strongly attracted to her and love her personality. I know you woulodn't really know until you kiss etc but enough desire to try. I'm not gay, Ididn't say that, I have a bi tendency.

Thumb I agree with all you've said about how a drink date should go. I did make it clear that I'm attracted but I did ask her out for a drink with no pressure attached. I can't see as I said, how I would just invite her out for no reason pretending I just wanted to be friends. We didn't meet before and unlikely to meet again so friendship would seem artificial and a bit odd, we have talked but with others around so no basis for immediate friendship invites. I can't see how this contradicts all you[ve said before. Do you mean you wouldn't like it if someone admitted their attarction? Other than that the drink would be social and friendly, not for making unwanted passes, it was supposed to be just initial 'date', I didn't actually call it a 'date' but obvious if I admitted I was attracted and curious.

thank you, raven! that's very encouraging. I'm not at all uncivilised andof course wouldn't expect anything, especially as I'm myself experimenting and would expect both sides to be sure one way or the other by taking it slowly.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 10-May-15 14:36:03

All right, so you've already asked her out on this drink/date? Did she say yes or no?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now