Doesn't have time for a relationship

[TYau10]

Hey everyone just need your advice. I know this place is largely for Mums and not Dads but I need you help and my male friends have not been very helpful. I need a female perspective.

We've been together for several months right now and everything was going great until she started her new job. Date nights were curtailed and then family/friend commitments got in the way as her time dwindled.

Then three weeks ago my girlfriend sent me this long text...

Hi. been on a course today, not had any free time. I'm really sorry, i wanted to talk to you face to face but I can't see you for another week and it's not fair on you to not let you know what I'm thinking. I haven't been feeling like my heart is fully us recently. With me being so busy because of my job I don't have the time to see you and it's not fair on either of us. Our relationship is based on text messages at the minute, its not natural. Things just get misconstrued. I get that this is my fault cause of my schedule but there's nothing I can do about that.You know what I think about saying things like this over text but I can't carry on pretending like everything's okay. I've been trying to sort myself out for the past few weeks and it's causing me too much stress trying to please everyone. I'm really sorry but I just don't know what else to do.

I knew there was something wrong and told her that. I also said I'd like to fight for our relationship. However, she told me she doesn't have time for a relationship and she's not happy being in a relationship where she cant see me. I worked out we'd get one day together in a month due to her new job and my commitments.

I offered her an out though asking if it wasn't for time would she still want to be in a relationship. Her answer..."I wouldn't have been in one in the first place if I didn't want to be- I'm not happy in the current situation"

I must admit it was confusing so we text some more and she said... "It's nothing to do with us as people and it's nothing you've done or said, nothing's broken it's just I don't have time. Something's changed and it's not the same as it was. My job isn't just a job at work, it's at home for the next six months,I can't make it work for me and I'm not happy. I'm not happy because I'm trying to please everyone, when I'm busy you get annoyed and I can't deal with that on topof everything else. Right now I want space, I need time to myself to think about what I want.

I ended by saying take the time an space you need and she agreed to meet up in person to talk about it, I also asked her not to make a rash decision to which she said "This isn't rash I've been thinking this for two weeks. It's just how I feel right now"

I waited 10 days then waited outside her work to talk to her (I know this was a mistake but I was not in a good place) and then sent her a message the other day asking how she was and if we could meet up to talk about us, and if it was over if we could end on good terms rather than a text. I've heard no reply.

I'm just confused as a month before that text she told me she'd never looked at another guy with me and that she'd never done that before. What I fear is that I scared her when I was drunk on a weekend away together and told her I loved her about 2 weeks before she sent that message. I'm also worried because of her past relationships, one ex cheated on her and one broke up with her to get with someone else and the came crawling back - she admitted she often puts her defences up with guys and it took me two months to get those reasons she wanted to wait to have sex, I didn't mind as I am smitten with her.

I just don't know what to do. Should I wait a few more weeks before getting back in contact or should I just say it's over even though I adore her to bits and her friends and family before that happened said she'd never been so happy?

Is she just scared to tell me it's over, does she know what she wants or is she scared of commitment...I'm just lost. I love her and would love to get back together but fear that ship has sailed.

Thank you in advance for any advice you can give me.

[theendoftheendoftheend]

I think you should walk away. If she changes her mind after the space she has asked you to give her, she will let you know.

[pocketsaviour]

She's been very clear with you that the relationship is over.

Continuing to contact her would be harassment, so don't do that. It will also make it harder for you to move on. Block her on FB and Twitter or whatever so you're not seeing her "in your face".

I'm sorry you're hurting but I think she's been very clear with you.

[bandmum]

She has been very clear she wants space, by contacting her you are showing her you are NOT putting her wishes first. If by any chance she changes her mind she will be in touch. However, right now you should try to move forward, very few women are attracted to needy men. Sorry you are feeling about her decision, but please respect that decision,.

[ImperialBlether]

She could at least have phoned you to talk to you about it.

I'm sorry, it's always horrible when a relationship ends and it's out of your control, but the best thing you can do now is just walk away.

[BadcatBertram]

I'm sorry to say she's not that into you. The 'too busy' is an excuse I think. If someone really wants to see you they will make time . I'm ashamed to say I've used this excuse before because it's easier than saying your feelings have changed. I'm really sorry I know that's not the answer you wanted.

[confusedoflondon]

She owed you a phone call or to tell you face to face but basically she has ended the relationship. Leave her to it.

[Applecrumbling]

She has been a bit of a coward doing this via text and most likely feels guilty about it. She has made it clear to you she doesn't want to be in a relationship. Give her the space she needs, in the meantime get in with your own life. Feel for you, be kind to yourself.

[AnyFucker]

I would take it that the relationship is ended. It is likely she has met someone else, sorry.

Don't hang around like a mug looking for crumbs. Get some self respect and move on.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

She's told you it's over. Fighting fir a relationship is never possible if the other partner has decided they are not interested. Stop harassing her please!
When you say you scared her, do you mean by telling her you loved her after 2 weeks or for some other reason?
You couldn't possibly have loved her at that stage and it's possible you need to be single for a bit to work out why you thought you did. Fwiw I'd run a fucking mile from someone who did that to me.

[Vivacia]

This is very difficult, but she's told you it's over, and that's that.

[ALaughAMinute]

Sorry to say but is sounds to me as if she's trying to end the relationship in the least hurtful way possible. Don't bother trying to analyse everything because it will do you no good. And stop making excuses for her. She may have been let down in the past but if she wanted to see you she would. We've all been rejected at some time and we all feel your pain.

The only way forward is to let go and move on.

[Taytocrisps101]

This sounds very similar to my position recently, although I suspect I am a bit older than you! In my case the guy I was seeing genuinely was mad busy at work and I would be waiting for him to get in touch which lead to me doubting myself etc....not good! It's hard to hear it by text but sounds like she has tried to do the right thing and whether her reason is the truth or not, your relationship obviously isn't working for her right now. You need to respect her decision....maybe let her know how much she means to you and you would love to hear from her if she felt in a position to resume things and leave her with the space she has asked for. However, don't sit around waiting for her....wallow a bit if you need to and then get on with your life - there could be someone even better out there, with lots of time on her hands to spend with you! ??

[cleanmyhouse]

She is being very honest with you and you're not listening. Try and walk away with some dignity.

[Filthyandgorgeous]

She has said she wants space and you need to give it to her. If she hasn't replied, take it that she doesn't want to meet you/see you/talk to you.

Her messages sound really waffly so I get why you are a bit confused about why she wants to end the relationship. She is just trying to be polite - it's not you, it's me. You are hanging on to false hope.

[mrsmeerkat]

I think it is very clear it is over. Try to keep yourself busy and talk to friends. I met my husband not long after being in a similar position to you. No point being in a one sided relationship. Don't keep contacting her

[TYau10]

Many thanks for your input everyone. I'm going to cut my losses and hope that she keeps her word so we can meet up talk through things and end on good terms, especially since we've been invited to parties and weddings in the near future through ex work colleagues. I don't want to be in an awkward situation.

Sometimes you need to hear that from other people who aren't just looking out for you.

I know I made an error when I waited for her after work but I chose not to talk to her and just waved instead whilst pretending to ring a friend...Yes that was needy, creepy and pathetic - something I've never done before, I'm not that kind of guy.

Ehric - I told I loved her two and a half weeks before she ended things not two weeks into dating!!! it matches with when she started having doubts and when her workload increased.

The more I got to know her, the more I realised she had some issues which I glossed over. Her best friend even told me she didn't do relationships and was happy to see she finally found someone good in her life. My friends think that she's scared to commit especially given past relationships and her lack of time. I honestly believe what she told me is true, but my gut tells me that she has left something out and my gut has never been wrong with her. I doubt and hope it isn't someone else given the fact a month earlier she said our relationship was the first one she'd been in when she never even looked at another guy sexually.

Tayto. Many thanks for that. Today it just hit me badly and I think she's hurting too and doesn't want to see me currently because it may scramble her head more. Sometimes we forget how the other one hurts.

Thank you everyone, like with anything I just needed a nudge in the right direction. Plenty more fish in the sea and all that...

Tom.

[Vivacia]

You, her friends, your friends... you're kind of disregarding her agency in all of this.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

Well, is that a bit unfair Vivacia? He said he's moving on - it's not like all those posts where the person keeps coming back to argue about their feelings.

[Vivacia]

I could indeed be reading stuff that isn't there Gatorade.

[eddielizzard]

yes, it is over. yes, she's clearly had bad past relationships but you can't change that, you can't change her and the best thing you can do is find someone else who doesn't have all these issues and who isn't a commitment phobe.

very hard, but if you keep trying with her you'll make her even more sure about ending it. like pushing against a closed door.

[Vivacia]

like pushing against a closed door

It opens?

[albal14]

Sorry mate , it's over. Give time for YOU, I'm not gonna say stop harrassing her, like others, you already know that's wrong.
From a guy a few years on you, silence is the best way if anything is to come of this situation.
In the meantime and more importantly, look after no:1.
There will bé others, I promise.

[Cabrinha]

"Several months" sounds like 3, tops. You'd scare me off if you said you loved me in that time.

Drop this nonsense about having to meet in person to end on good terms. That would be excruciating for at least one of you, possibly both. So far this year I have been dumped, and then done the dumping. Sometimes, the spark just isn't there. There's nothing to talk ABOUT, you don't need a post break up chat to have no hard feelings. She's waffly, but let you down in a non offensive way. So - you're already on good terms. Now walk away.

[Wileycoyote]

I feel for you, she has behaved rather badly in my opinion but was trying to make it easy on herself by finishing it by text. Agree with the others - you'll just have to leave it be now :-(

[Cabrinha]

How has she behaved badly?!

She's been seeing this guy for what amounts to weeks, really. Several months sounds like 3 - and some of that has been very limited by the job starting. In fact, I've just re-read it - he refers to a conversation a month ago that was two months into the relationship.
So three months! It's just early days dating.

She has sent not just one text, but several to his questions.
She's been polite, detailed, letting him down pretty gently.

I noticed she said about things being 'misconstrued' on texts, and I also note her saying that he gets annoyed with her lack of availability.

So he's all "I'll fight for this" - but seems like he may have been less than understanding up til now.

• he declares his love very (suspiciously?) quickly
  
• he shows annoyance that she isn't available
  
• he possibly has 'misconstrued' what she has said in the past - which sounds like a polite way of saying he's been difficult
  
• he continues to pester her after she's texted it's over
  
• he pushes her to meet despite saying himself there's only one day in a month that they could. She's busy - she doesn't have time to meet and pointlessly re-hash dating someone for 12 WEEKS
  
• he ignores her wishes saying he'll fight and saying her decision could be rash
  
• and he flipping turns up to casually wave at her?!!! How intimidating would you find that?
  

Some of that is reading between the lines, but not all of it. Turning up at her work! Bloody hell.
I don't think she's behaved badly at all. I suspect she's feeling worried and intimidated right now.