Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Relationship not going anywhere

(39 Posts)
Bexicle22 Thu 07-May-15 17:02:07

I've been with my partner for almost two years now. I'm not getting any younger, I'm 26 this year as is he. I kind of want my life to start.

We are in a happy relationship. My partner has been saying for over a year that he wants to move in with me and my daughter. In December a house came up for rent which I really liked and after much discussion we decided to go for it. I said beforehand that if we were to move in to this house, it had to be together. I didn't like all the back and forth we had with the last one and just wanted to settle. He agreed and said things would be different. But six months on and it's still the same.

The reason he doesn't live here full time is because he works an hours drive away and the petrol there and back every day would cost too much so he stays at his parents who aren't as far away. Which is a good enough excuse. However since saying he wants to move in, he has been applying for jobs closer but just not hard enough. He says he's applying to everything but I never see him trawling websites while he's here and when he's at his parents he's usually either watching the football with his brother or sleeping. There have been a few occasions where jobs have called him and he's missed the call but he hasn't called them back. The last time someone rang him, I said are you going to call them back and he said, probably not, the job didn't sound very nice. Now I work as a catering assistant at a school and spend my day elbow deep in a sink full of soggy food so my job is hardly what you would call 'nice' but I do it because I want money for our house, for our future.

I know a lot of you will say, well he obviously doesn't want to live with you, but he was the one who brought it up in the first place, he is the one that always mentions it. I mean, I'm happy to live on my own as I did it for 5 years but I'm not happy being in a part-time relationship. I asked would he help me with bills since he was living here half the week, this was back in February, and he said yes. It's now May and he's not given me anything, keeps saying oh well I just paid my car insurance so I'll have to give it to you next week etc. Living this way would be okay if we were younger or if we were casual but we're not either of those things. I feel like I'm in a relationship that is going nowhere. As long as he has that job, he won't live here full time. And as long as he doesn't get off his bum and look for something else, even if it's not his dream job, then he will remain in his current job. How long do I have to wait? What if he never gets another job, will I live in a part time relationship forever?

I recently had an abortion (please don't judge me, I'm having a hard enough time as it is) and one of the reasons he managed to convince me with was that he would miss out on so much because he doesn't live here due to work. So what, I have to put my entire life on hold until he can be bothered to get another job? I don't really know what to do to be honest. They've stopped my tax credits without warning and said I need to make a joint claim as he lives here a few days a week and when I do make the joint claim, I'm going to be about £100 worse off a week. But he's not living here, he's not paying bills or helping financially, so how the hell am I supposed to manage?

Sorry for the rant, I'm not really sure what advice I'm asking for, just kind of needed to get it off my chest.

Jan45 Thu 07-May-15 17:18:40

You are with a boy, not a man, disgusting that he stays over and gives you FA towards the household, that alone is reason enough not to WANT to live with him.

He's a big kid and a self centred one at that. If you want the full time relationship now, you definitely are not going to get it with him.

OhNoNotMyBaby Thu 07-May-15 17:19:59

Sorry but ROFLMFAO at "I'm not getting any younger, I'm 26 this year."

This is as far as I've got. I'll now read the rest of your post and try to be more constructive.....

Rebelwithacause Thu 07-May-15 17:23:01

I would not be prepared to lose £100 a week for a man who was not committed to me and my child.

I think you are 100% right to expect more from him. Talk is cheap, you need action.

OhNoNotMyBaby Thu 07-May-15 17:24:35

OK, so you need to make it very clear to the tax credit people that he DOESN'T live with you at all. I'm assuming it's your name on all the bills? If he's on the bills too, get his name taken off at once. Is the tenancy in your joint names? Again, take it off. Since he is providing no financial input at all, he's not living with you.

And as ^pp says, he is not a man, he is a selfish boy who doesn't want to grow up. Get rid.

Bexicle22 Thu 07-May-15 17:34:47

Lol I know it sounds silly to think 26 is old but I feel old, I have an almost 7 year old so I guess that's maybe why!

His name is not on any bills. He very begrudgingly gives me money towards rent but nothing towards council tax or bills. Whenever I mention money he gets moody and complains and starts to go on about how he just paid car insurance or his phone bill just came out. He pays nothing when he stays at his parents. I already have a child to provide for, I don't need another one.

In terms of tax credits, because he helps with some of the rent I don't think I can get away with being on a single claim. But he doesn't live here, for example he was here on Monday but haven't seen him since and won't until tomorrow night.

The reason I asked back in Feb for him to start helping with money was because he kept going out with his mates and then one weekend sprung it on me (as he was on his way) that he was going to Swansea for the weekend with his brother to see friends. I literally snapped, it's not fair that I should be on the bones of my backside while he is off spending his money on food and drinking all weekend. Yes, if he can afford it then fine but when I'm struggling to pay bills, his first priority should be helping me not going out.

He doesn't take life seriously and I'm really coming to the end of my tether now. I don't know what to do, maybe give an ultimatum?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 07-May-15 17:39:55

How did tax credits get his info? Of course you didn't need to go on a joint claim if he doesn't live with you, isn't the childs father and doesn't financially support you!
How does he have no money if he lives with his parents? Even if he pays half your rent he should still have enough leftover to contribute to bills etc. He's a man child I suspect who wants to come and go as he pleases and have all the fun with none of the responsibility.

Jan45 Thu 07-May-15 17:43:38

Again, you are sounding more and more like his mum, do you really want that role?

Seriously he wont do it, he's showing you who he is now.

Give him the ultimatum, I'd be amazed if he suddenly considers you.

Bexicle22 Thu 07-May-15 17:45:44

He earns a LOT more than me per week and pays no utilities yet still never seems to have money. And it was my fault, I stupidly mentioned he lived here a couple of days a week thinking it wouldn't affect my claim but apparently it does. He is a huge man child. He has a twin brother who pretty much does whatever he wants and spends all his money on drinking and going to gigs etc as he has no responsibilities. I've told my partner if he wants to be like his brother then fine but to not expect me to stick around and then he says oh I'll change. But he never does. I feel like if I don't do something drastic now, I'm going to still be living alone half the week when I'm into my 30's...

Bexicle22 Thu 07-May-15 17:47:11

Jan45, I feel like his mum! Always nagging him. Tbh he got everything handed to him when he was a kid which doesn't help. But I don't want to be nagging him, I want him to grow up and stop being a child. Can he do it? Well I'm not sure, I've given him far too many chances and nothing has ever changed

Jan45 Thu 07-May-15 17:49:27

Honestly, it's only 2 years, he should be all over you and giving you whatever you need, you have a child to support fgs.

Up to you but I don't see anything changing until you either move on from him or make it 100% clear he needs to change his attitude towards you.

Bexicle22 Thu 07-May-15 17:56:55

Two years isn't that long in the grand scheme of things but when nothing has changed since day one in terms of moving the relationship forward, it starts to get questionable. Thing is, because he is a child, he is near impossible to have a serious adult conversation with. I will speak to him and tell him this is his one and only chance. I should give him a time frame to either find a new job or find a way to afford the commute I guess. If he's that bothered about me, he will either desperately look for a new job or sort out his money so he can commute.

inlectorecumbit Thu 07-May-15 17:58:16

As the saying goes--he's just not that into you

Bexicle22 Thu 07-May-15 17:59:54

I'm starting to think you're right, inlectorecumbit

inlectorecumbit Thu 07-May-15 18:01:18

ops sorry

I think it is time for a serious talk, shape up or ship out. He likes having you available but the pull of single life and no financial constraints is winning here.
Cut your loss while you are young ( l am getting on a bit) and fine someone who wants to put you and your DC first.

Bexicle22 Thu 07-May-15 18:18:20

It's annoying that I haven't seen him this week as I've not been able to talk to him,my don't see him until tomorrow night now. Although I might get more sense out of him if I talk via text as he's hopeless at face to face confrontation

hidingfromthem Thu 07-May-15 18:38:55

Dump this loser.
he does not love you.
he is using you for free money, food and board.

Downtheroadfirstonleft Thu 07-May-15 19:08:26

What hiding said....

Cabrinha Thu 07-May-15 20:01:50

He does live with you. He's your boyfriend, he pays part if the rent.
Damn right he should count against your tax credits.
Just because you choose to let him get away with not paying a fair share and spending a lot of time at his mum's, doesn't mean you should be subsidised with tax credits.
I'm glad they've been cut, that's as it should be.

Not least because if you won't dump him for treating you like shit, perhaps you'll finally dump him for not giving you the money you agreed with him.

Honestly, he sounds like he's not bothered about you at all. Get him out of your life, and out of your child's life.

AnyFucker Thu 07-May-15 20:10:18

You are being mugged off, love

open your eyes for fucks sake

Christinayangstwistedsister Thu 07-May-15 20:34:08

Your place is his holiday home...and it sounds as if he is all inclusive...get rid of him

Bexicle22 Thu 07-May-15 20:56:07

Cabrinha, he's only JUST started paying me a bit towards rent which is why I mentioned it to tax credits and why they've cut me off until I do a joint claim. That's not my issue at all.

It's frustrating because I do love him but I'm fed up of being a doormat (which I am fully I aware I have been being!) I'm going to tell him he has until the end of the month to find a new job or sort our a way to afford to commute. If he cares as much as he says, he'll do one of the two. If he doesn't do any oth the two, I will tell him to jog on, don't need a hanger-on in my life. I think that's a reasonable ultimatum?

Cabrinha Thu 07-May-15 20:58:39

Why on earth do you love him?
Serious question.
He doesn't even want to spend time with you.

inlectorecumbit Thu 07-May-15 20:59:54

If you give any ultimatum you have to be 100% prepared to see it through. He is treating you like a doormat and l am afraid this is one ultimatum that may set you free.
Your DD deserves better, you deserve better. You may love him but he certainly is not showing any feelings for you right now.

AnyFucker Thu 07-May-15 21:05:29

he won't take any notice of your ultimatums

he has no respect for you

if he did, you wouldn't be in this situation now

no decent person takes the piss out of someone they are supposed to love in this way

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now