Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Telling ex what you think

(23 Posts)
Bahh Wed 06-May-15 20:00:01

Has anyone ever done this?

I won't go into too many details but was in a 4.5yr relationship that was wrong from the start. I didn't know it at the time but I was EA and probably groomed as well. He's left me with so, so many issues that pop up periodically. We split 1.5yr ago and as I was the one who left I felt guilty and, still not fully realising how he'd treated me, I remained very nice and apologetic and never said a bad word to him, just said I needed to spend time on my own. He was heinous about me online and once he found out I'd met someone else he was quite unpleasant via text/fb message and stopped contacting me. We've not spoken since except to arrange payment (ie me taking on all the responsibility) for debts I didn't know he wasn't paying when we were together.

I've never told him how I feel about him or our time together, and I wonder if it might be necessary in order to fully move on? I feel cheated, like he got away with it all feeling like the superior person while I've had to build myself back from scratch. He doesn't know he's awful.

Did you have that purging? Did it help or was it just a temporary way to feel better? Is it cathartic or just plain spiteful?

NaiceNickname Wed 06-May-15 20:04:46

Honestly, I doubt he'd be arsed. By all means write it in a letter and then burn it, but I don't think you'll gain anything by telling him other than him thinking you're over the relationship.

NaiceNickname Wed 06-May-15 20:05:25

thinking you're not over it, sorry.

MagicHouse Wed 06-May-15 20:09:26

I think people who don't know they're awful aren't going to have a huge revelation simply because you tell them. I think the best reaction is tp keep a cool distance and the best "revenge" is to enjoy your life without him. Having said that, what you've said about taking on the debt doesn't sound right at all. Is he paying anything? Are you sharing this debt? That might be the one area I'd be making very clear he has been completely unfair about.

Bahh Wed 06-May-15 20:27:32

No he's not contributing anything. He hasn't had a job in 10 years and can't be trusted to contribute anything at all so I'm just dealing with it myself. Like I say I didn't know about it, they contacted me because he defaulted on the £5 per month arrangement.

I do enjoy my life but yes Naice I still struggle, there are triggers. I feel like I had my adolescence stolen from me (we met online when I was 15, he was 8 years older). I feel dirty and sad when I think about it/him.

dublingirl653 Wed 06-May-15 20:30:51

been through something similar

best thing i did was to go to psychotherapy

Bahh Wed 06-May-15 20:34:17

How did you access that dublin?

I'm a bit scared of talking about it in detail.

dublingirl653 Thu 07-May-15 21:44:38

costs 30stg per week

best thing i have ever done

Gabilan Thu 07-May-15 22:42:33

Did you have that purging? Did it help or was it just a temporary way to feel better? Is it cathartic or just plain spiteful?

It can help but it depends what you want out of it. It can help you think "I found my voice and expressed myself". It will not make him realise he's abusive or in fact change him one jot. If you're going into it hoping he'll turn around and apologise then don't do it. In fact it might be best to write it to get it out of your system and then just not send the letter. That way you'll have your say, but without any disappointment in his reaction.

If you can get therapy do try it. You might find places that offer it cheaply to those in need, if you can't get it quickly enough through the NHS. Sometimes you can get group therapy on the NHS which IME can work really well - you get to talk about what's happened in a safe environment with women who have experienced similar things and have a therapist there to guide you. Getting therapy was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Bahh Thu 07-May-15 23:02:48

I don't expect him to take any notice. That's half of why I'm reluctant to do it actually, I'm not a selfish person but it would be a selfish act, it would be solely for my own benefit and I'm a bit uncomfortable about the moral implications of that. He would feel bad for a short time, as anyone would if they were attacked, but ultimately it would probably justify to him that he's the better person. So maybe not.

I've just been thinking about it more recently because another debt company have been in contact with me. I just feel so sad for all the time I lost, I was so desperately unhappy and trapped. Have felt quite teary all week. And the more I think about it, I really was just a kid. I don't think he was or is a paedophile and at the time I thought age shouldn't mean anything but as an adult I now know that he should not have been interested in a 15 year old and there are reasons women of his own age didn't/don't want him. My parents probably could/should have gone to the police. But then I worry I'm making a big deal out of nothing and other women actually deal with physical abuse and I should just accept that I made the choice to be with him and it's my issue that I feel like this now as a result.

Sorry, just thinking 'out loud'. I should seek out therapy. I've been on a couple of NHS funded esteem building style courses. But maybe I need one on one, specialised support. It is expensive here, about £50 a session. But if it will help me fix a bit more of myself it's worth it isn't it.

Starlightbright1 Thu 07-May-15 23:09:15

I doubt he would feel bad.

I would not contact him if you don't need to.

I was told once..
2 ways of moving on - move on with your life
or going through a cathartic healing.

I think you would be disappointed if you told him but it does sound like you need help.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 08-May-15 00:23:46

I wouldn't bother. I really wouldn't. All it will do is churn you up and he probably won't care

Hissy Fri 08-May-15 07:46:57

Are these debts in your name too? Did you know he'd taken them out?

If not, why are you paying them?

If you have no kids, you don't need any ongoing contact with him. So tell him he's a cunt, it won't make any difference, he'll still be a cunt, but you'll feel better. He's still got you in the EA grip of fear. wriggle free of this arsehole. He is nothing.

Abusers do so out of fear, inferiority and insecurity. He's pretending to be the BIG I AM, because that's the opposite of what he is.

You wanna see him really flinch? Use the same insults and issues he used against you, against him. Shocked me to the core when I did it to my ex of 10 Years. A revelation!

Did you do the freedom programme? Look into that, it's free. Try to do it in person, but online is better than nothing (and only just)

SevenAteNine Fri 08-May-15 07:55:16

I think you need to get some proper advice on the debt. I don't understand why you need to pay them.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 08-May-15 08:14:25

So you're just 21 years old and you're paying debts your much older ex defaulted on? Did you take on the loans with him, or did he somehow manage to get you involved (eg by consolidating his previous debt into a joint loan)? As PPs said, please get advice about this.

Bahh Fri 08-May-15 12:54:54

It's council tax and gas/electric. They were in joint names but as I was so young and had never worked I wasn't entitled to anything from job centre and all the money came to him. So I didn't know it wasn't being paid. I'm paying it now because I want to buy a house in a couple of years so don't want anything affecting my chances of that, and like I say he can't be trusted to contribute and at the time I wasn't assertive enough to ask him to. I worry the letting agency for that flat might come after me at some point, I have no idea if my name was on the tenancy and if it was, I don't think I removed it when I left. And I know he's defaulted on that as well.

I was so young and he'd really taken a toll on me, I had no idea how to do the normal, every day adult things because he taught me to just doss around on the dole all day. It was my grandparents who paid our deposit on the place and I've lost that because I left first and he's since trashed the place. Similarly all of the furniture was bought or donated by my family, or with money my mam helped him get through filling out the right forms etc.

I will look up the freedom course, thank you for the recommendation.

SevenAteNine Fri 08-May-15 15:01:04

You need to look up your credit score.

Experian do a free for 30 day trial. If you cancel before the end of your trial, it won't cost anything.

Then, I think you'll need advice. Try the CAB. They will help.

Hissy Fri 08-May-15 15:28:43

In whose name were the bills. Were you even an adult when you moved in?

Get CAB advice.

Bahh Fri 08-May-15 17:48:19

I have looked it up, it was previously very poor but after almost two solid years of employment and paying bills I think it's now acceptable, or was until this recent debt popped up, I've asked for an itemised bill to be sent before I pay anything though.

I was 18 when we moved into the last place. We had a couple of bouts of homelessness so all in all there were about 6 addresses we shared so that combined with the general lack of organisation I have no idea who was on what or when. I do know that the council tax was in both, which is why I was asked to pay when he didn't. The bill I got last week I don't know either, again waiting for the letter to explain.

The idea of contacting him makes me feel sick. When I was thinking about 'telling him what I think', I admit I was rather cowardly planning to send it out of the blue via FB message (we're not friends) and then block him from messaging me back blush

Gabilan Fri 08-May-15 19:24:06

"it would be solely for my own benefit and I'm a bit uncomfortable about the moral implications of that"

Oh OP you really are allowed to do things just for your benefit, so long as they don't actually hurt people. (And I know you think this would hurt him, but I doubt it would). Still, there are other reasons for not doing it.

It does sound as if, unsurprisingly, your self esteem has been badly affected by this. It isn't your fault. You were 15. You are allowed to be kind to yourself!

ShizeItsWeegie Fri 08-May-15 20:05:33

Hi Bahh. I was in an abusive relationship that lasted 4 years and it really damaged me. Your description resonates with me. I talked to anyone that would listen and that helped but in the long term (and I realise this makes me sound really shallow and spiteful) it was the fact that his life never really worked out great that helped me realise that it wasn't me IYSWIM. His next relationship didn't last, probably for all the same reasons and he has been single for years now. It took ages to get mojo back and I would never take the kind of shit he handed out again. What I'm saying is a bit of quiet observation may help you.

Bahh Fri 08-May-15 20:30:43

Gabilan unsurprisingly a lot of the EA came from him saying I was selfish for ever expressing how I was feeling or what I wanted. He wouldn't be able to change it therefore I was deliberately making him feel bad and should just keep it to myself. And I obviously didn't love him or value our relationship if I ever said I couldn't go on much longer, we're soul mates and should never put time limits on each other, things will get better at some point if we just keep going, no one will love me like he did etc etc. I got very used to putting his needs before mine and that has messed me up.

Weegie that's helpful, thank you. I've done it to death with current partner and best friend but all they can say now is yes he was awful, its not your fault etc. They can't give me coping strategies.

I think I've moved on in terms of I don't love him anymore, but I don't think I've even begun to process or accept that I was EA. I don't know how to even approach dealing with that.

Bahh Fri 08-May-15 20:33:52

I should also add that his life has progressed probably what he ever would have achieved had we stayed together, as in he's joined uni as a mature student. But everything else is exactly the same and he's got nothing, to put it bluntly. Sometimes I feel good about that, sometimes I feel guilty. Roughly how long do you think it was before you felt you had your 'mojo' back? I'm in a funny position because I was so young when I got with him I never really had any mojo to begin with!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now