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Marriage problems, have developed strong feelings for a younger woman

(122 Posts)
dmg117 Wed 06-May-15 15:59:16

I’m 37, married, one son. My wife and I have been married for 12 years. For the past few years I’ve felt as though I’m just getting nagged at all the time. It’s as if everything I do isn’t acceptable to my wife We just seem to go through the motions. I try not to argue back, I can’t stand drama and fighting. I stop most days at a coffee shop near my work. I noticed a girl there sometimes as well, I was standing waiting on my coffee and she was also, we got talking briefly, and as the days went by we just said hi and got talking more, it was always on the off-chance we’d bump into each other but it was very nice, about 2 weeks ago we sat for almost 2 hours and we met up for a drink at a cocktail bar a little over a week ago and we talked about everything, her life, my life. The parts of our lives we dislike, the parts we like. Everything. I saw her yesterday for a coffee. I know if I allow it is, it's going to develop. I know in my head it’s not the right idea, she’s so young (23) and I don’t want to breakup my family, but I feel good inside fully for the first time in a long time.

When I go home, my wife seems distant, not like she used to be when I first knew her. I do love her, and she is usually still the woman I married, but a lot of times she’s just argumentative or complaining about something trivial, like she just wants to moan. I feel like myself when I’m around this other woman. I really don’t want to hurt her feelings, she is a really great person. She’s a beautiful woman, but it’s not about that - relationships to me always were based on emotional attachments and go from there and I feel as emotionally connected to this girl more than anyone since I met my wife. My son is the most important thing to me and I don't want to effect them. I feel really caught between different feelings. Really don't know what to do? Anyone been in anything like this before?

VenusRising Wed 06-May-15 16:03:56

The grass you water is greener.

I'd put some effort into your marriage and stop hanging out in coffee shops if I was you.

Start to listen to what your DW is saying to you. And stop calling whatever she says "nagging". She's telling you something you need to hear, so stop fantasising about other women, open your heart to your DW and put in some spade work with the relationship you have.

Grewupinafield Wed 06-May-15 16:05:17

Agree with Venus.

Address the issues in your marriage. If you feel it won't work, leave her, but don't do it because of someone else. Do it because you want to be on your own.
You have known this woman a matter of weeks. You don't know her

Reginafalangie Wed 06-May-15 16:06:25

Do you want to stay in your marriage?

If no then do the right thing and end your marriage before you have an affair.

If yes then you need to communicate with your wife.

You need to sit and explain all of the above and find out if she wants to stay married to you. Couples counselling would be a step in the right direction if you both want to save your marriage. Lack of communication is the biggest killer to marriages.....second only to affairs.

pocketsaviour Wed 06-May-15 16:23:12

I do love her, and she is usually still the woman I married, but a lot of times she’s just argumentative or complaining about something trivial, like she just wants to moan.

I'm sure she doesn't like being like this either. Is there something going on in your/her life which is giving her stress? Is she totally bored - have you all got into a total rut? Is she tired because you're not doing your share of parenting/housework?

I second other posters that you need to sit down with your wife and tell her that your communication seems to have got very negative recently (don't phrase this as "you keep nagging me and I don't like it", make it clear you accept your share of whatever blame there is too, because this is a problem you both have.)

I would probably suggest marriage counselling to help you both communicate better.

Jan45 Wed 06-May-15 16:25:43

Women moan, nag, for very good reason, she probably feels very resentful towards you, I don't know what it is you are doing to piss her off but you clearly are, either that or she has mental health issues.

I think you are pretty much a shit looking elsewhere instead of going home and trying to actually make your wife happy.

IrianofWay Wed 06-May-15 16:28:58

"I'm sure she doesn't like being like this either"

Yes. I suspect she's pretty bloody miserable too. Why don't you spend some time flirting with her and chatting her up instead of this young lady?

Christinayangstwistedsister Wed 06-May-15 16:29:07

Stop meeting the girl and focus what is going on between you and your wife

This isn't going to end well if you keep going like this

AnyFucker Wed 06-May-15 16:32:38

What a fucking cliche

FelicityGubbins Wed 06-May-15 16:33:04

If my husband was leaving me to look after his child while he was pissing about having 2 hour long conversations and then fucking off to a cocktail bar with some woman I'd be giving the cunt a hard time too...

Christinayangstwistedsister Wed 06-May-15 16:38:37

I can't stand drama and fighting

No but you can stand cheating on your wife, and if you think you have had drama and fighting in your life....well, wait till your wife finds out you have been having cocktails with a 23 year old

DoorToTheRiver Wed 06-May-15 16:38:54

A woman posted a few months ago saying she thought her husband might be having an affair with a woman who either worked at the coffee/sandwich shop he went to or met a woman there.

I am not suggesting this is you but if you have been distracted by this other woman then your wife may have picked up on it which is one reason she could be distant with you.

As others have said if your marriage has gone stale there is no reason you can't flirt with your wife and try and inject a bit of spark back into it.

If she nags you and you don't say much back how do you expect to resolve any problems. If she's nagging you perhaps there are reasons you could talk through with her.

ConnieBaby Wed 06-May-15 16:43:08

Firstly, stop calling your wife's attempt to communicate with you, nagging. If she's. 'Going on and on ' then either she is depressed/ has MH issues or you're not pulling your weight either emotionally or practically. If it's the former then she's unwell and needs your live and support to get to the root if it all; try sitting down and listening to her. Do you pull your weight with regards childcare and housework? Does she work? If not, would she like to? How old is your son? Is she exhausted?

If it's the latter, then, again, you need to sit down and talk. How can you make her feel more valued? More wanted? More desirable?

Don't take this flirtation further. You don't know this woman at all. You think you've connected but it's just a mixture of lust and flattery. You owe it to your wife and son to give your marriage a go. It wing fix itself though. You need to talk and work out where the issues lie.

newstart15 Wed 06-May-15 16:51:09

You should address the issues with your wife. What do you argue about and why is she unhappy? Be honest with yourself?

The reason it's important to understand what's going on in your marriage is that if you don't learn this skill you will just move onto another woman and a few years have the same issues BUT you will see less of your son and be less well off.

Escaping your 'woes' because someone else brightens your day is a temporary fix, it's not real.

There are lots of things you could do before seeking the comfort of another (very young) woman. Talk to your wife, seek counselling...shut down the flirting. You can fix this with your wife - do you really think those in 30 year marriages haven't had these feelings. The difference is they choose to look into the marriage and not turn outside for solutions.

As an aside I have a daughter of a similar age - it's weird that she might be interested in an older married man. I would be cautious as she maybe emotionally vulnerable.

gemsio Wed 06-May-15 16:51:10

Okay, maybe before this turns into an affair maybe you need to sit down with your wife and have a proper talk with her, maybe think about marriage counselling? The grass is never greener honestly and I think your wife deserves to be given the chance to look at the problems in your marriage and try and fix them before something like an affair happens which could damage it beyond repair. I wouldn't mention this other woman, but I think some sort of counselling would help you, if it doesn't then you can know you tried, and move on.

UptheAnty Wed 06-May-15 16:52:34

As much as you may believe your own tripe...

You have not developed strong feelings for this girl.
You are currently trying to excuse & defend the indefensible.

You better get a grip quickly before its to late.

Oh.....and you're making a collosel fool of yourself.

Duckdeamon Wed 06-May-15 16:58:02

You are already having an emotional affair and it is further damaging your relationship.

If your DS is really a priority act like it by addressing the issues in your relationship with your wife.

Duckdeamon Wed 06-May-15 16:58:45

Romanticising it as "strong feelings" etc is part of the self-delusion and selfishness of the affair.

LadyBlaBlah Wed 06-May-15 17:00:06

Your OP is nearly a full house on Affair Bingo

Did you say to OW "my wife doesn't understand me"?

If you want the next few years full of nuclear level shit, I say go for it. Otherwise, try actually talking and listening to your wife (aka communicating) and maybe you might not be always known for "running off with a 23 year old". Even to your own son.

King1982 Wed 06-May-15 17:02:10

I reckon you need to tell your wife how you are feeling, it maybe resolvable.
Someone making you feel like nothing you do is good enough and constantly picking fights with you can be emotional abuse. So look after yourself.
I'd leave the other woman until you know where you stand in your marriage. Obviously don't overlap the two.

Husbanddoestheironing Wed 06-May-15 17:04:57

Of course 'nagging' is often just a male put down when a woman's request is repeated frequently in the face of being ignored- discuss the issue and explain why you don't want to do what is being requested, or if you think it is a reasonable request then agree a plan to complete it. Young women in coffee shops may also grow to 'nag' if they are being ignored in future.

Vivacia Wed 06-May-15 17:08:46

I agree with AF and Blah's "Your OP is nearly a full house on Affair Bingo".

"Nagging" is a horrible phrase people often use to dismiss women.

I'd pretty fucking miserable if my DP was spending hours with an other woman in a cafe and leaving it all to me.

LadyBlaBlah Wed 06-May-15 17:10:08

Yeah, the nagging comment won't have endeared many posters to you OP, me included. Along with the comment about "complaining about something trivial"

These are indicators that you dismiss her feelings on a regular basis.

Unless you can explain what you mean of course.

Lotsofponies Wed 06-May-15 17:12:44

This is fantasy, not real. Stop before you do any more damage to your family. You only get out of a relationship what you put in, and at the moment your emotional attention is going elsewhere, no wonder your wife sounds unhappy and your relationship is hitting the rocks.

I would speak to your wife, book counseling and do some research on the 'affair bubble/fog', emotional affairs and rebuilding rel;relationships, that's if your wife forgives you. I would also heartily recommend the book 'I love you but am not in love with you' by Andrew G Marshall, don't let the title put you off.

Good luck.

TheOldWiseOne Wed 06-May-15 17:15:50

My son is the most important thing to me and I don't want to effect them.

Actually you have already affected HIM by doing what you are doing - taking your presence away from your family home !

Don't you think everyone gets ground down at times about the normal everyday things of life ? Grow up and read some of the advice on here!

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