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What to look for in a man you've just started dating

(53 Posts)
britneyspearscatsuit Tue 05-May-15 19:09:45

Can I get any input on this to help me work out what I want at the very start of dating. I'm not talking about analysing the man for the deeper qualities and compatibility, I am talking about initial behavior in the first 5 - 6 dates that make that person worth bothering with in the first place.

My list so far as I am thinking is...

1. I want someone who woos me, who makes it clear they really like me.

2. I want someone who makes an effort to spend time with me and get to know me, asking questions about me as a person, showing interest in my life.

3. I want regular and consistent contact. Someone who phones me up to hear my voice or sends me texts just because he likes chatting to me.

4. I want someone who makes plans with me, doesn't say "we will have a date "soon" and leaves me hanging.

5. I want someone who talks to me openly about what’s going on and doesn't make me sit there wondering where I stand.

6. I want someone who is consistent and straight forward who's actions match their words.

Can anyone advise if this list sounds about right...if I am too over the top, expecting too much from a first few dates or if I am missing off anything important?

britneyspearscatsuit Tue 05-May-15 19:10:46

Of course I am taking as a "given" that you fancy them, they fancy you and you like being together! I am talking more about their general behavior towards you which makes you feel like they are worth your time.

glittertits Tue 05-May-15 19:13:30

I think having a list at all is stupid. Surely it should only be two points long 'we click' and 'isn't yet showing signs of being a massive creepy weirdo'?

glittertits Tue 05-May-15 19:14:59

Your points could all be covered under 'we click' - i.e., feels like he is right for me.

Disagree with all your points on him doing the chasing. Two way street at the beginning imo - key to a balanced partnership in the long run.

britneyspearscatsuit Tue 05-May-15 19:17:08

You've never done online dating maybe?! sometimes you click really well, but they still behave in odd ways. I am trying to create a list so i have clear boundaries in my mind of when to walk away from someone even if we do "click" if that makes sense.

DoItTooJulia Tue 05-May-15 19:18:41

It's a lot of pressure to put someone under without them knowing.

Do you tell them these are the things that are important to you?
I totally get the idea that there are things that must be a feature of a new relationship (it's supposed to be fun, it's supposed to make you both feel good) but I'm worried that with a list this prescriptive you're setting prospective partners up to fail. What if they have a bad day and don't text?

I don't think anything in your list is unreasonable btw, I jut think it's a lot of pressure.

niceupthedance Tue 05-May-15 19:20:54

IME men who are big woo-ers are usually just after sex. But I agree that doing what they say they are going to is fundamental.

Skiptonlass Tue 05-May-15 19:21:19

No red flags, so:

No sulking
No signs of greed
No signs of inappropriate temper/flashes of anger
No signs of superiority (watch how he treats the waiting staff, for example.)
No attempts to push boundaries too soon.

Talking about his psycho ex = he's blaming her for his shitty behaviour.

I can live without being wooed to be honest. Anyone can seem fine at the beginning, it's watching out for the cracks in the facade you need to do ;)

nottheOP Tue 05-May-15 19:21:41

That feeling when your hands brush and you feel hot and tingly all over. The good butterflies. I love the early stages when it's a good relationship.

For personality, being kind, honest, uncomplicated are key for me.

glittertits Tue 05-May-15 19:22:05

You've never done online dating maybe?!

I've done plenty, thanks. Luckily I am blessed with good intuition, and have a thick skin so am able to brush off bad dates with little effort.

Having a list is way too much pressure imo. I also think expecting the man to chase when you are not prepared to is wrong. See previous point on equality setting you up for a good partnership.

britneyspearscatsuit Tue 05-May-15 19:23:10

Do you think though, if being wooed is too much, that they should be clear and consistent that they like you?

And when I talk about the textign and phoning...I really mean more the ones who disappear for days on end and are hot and cold. It leaves you feeling all confused and edgy and i hate that.

baies1 Tue 05-May-15 19:27:08

Ime, it's pretty clear when someone likes you. If they don't text or don't arrange another date with you then they aren't that interested. Likewise, if you like someone you should make that clear.

Woo-ing - what does that actually mean?

britneyspearscatsuit Tue 05-May-15 19:27:46

I'm not blessed with good intuition, hence need for a list.

baies1 Tue 05-May-15 19:29:36

That bit where they blow hot and cold and you feel edgy and confused - that's never a good thing, so that's when you move on

britneyspearscatsuit Tue 05-May-15 19:29:43

Well, wooing in my head means the little things someone does to show they like you. Like for example making an effort to arrange a date he thinks you will enjoy. Not throwing rocks at your window or anything, just making you feel special and wanted.

For me it's not always clear when someone likes me. Sometimes they ask for dates, but at the same time don't seem in a great hurry for them to happen

britneyspearscatsuit Tue 05-May-15 19:39:09

Glittertits sorry if I was shitty just then, in an awful mood from men jerking me around and you'r first comment about my list being stupid just set me off. PMT!

Barbafamiily Tue 05-May-15 19:41:05

Cliches, but in my opinion so true - look how he treats his mum, his group of friends (and that they are long term friends rather than people he picks up and then drops along the way) and how he treats you when you are ill. Good luck!

Vivacia Tue 05-May-15 20:03:39

I have to cast my mind back a fair few years but I was thinking kindness to others, including how they speak about others.

They listen.

Butterflies in the stomach, like you hope they're going to touch your hand soon and you look at their lips and wonder how they kiss.

No obvious turn offs. They smell nice.

I'm not very good at this. I hope I never have to do it again.

Vivacia Tue 05-May-15 20:05:46

(I don't think that there's anything wrong in wanting to discuss your list, I thought glitter's first response was a bit unhelpful in terms of keeping the discussion open).

BadcatBertram Tue 05-May-15 20:05:51

Britney, I do agree with your list and I know you don't literally mean it as a list but just some pointers to bear in mind. I'm usually guilty of seeing what I want to see when it comes to men and it's easy to ignore red flags when you want a person to fit your expectations.

These days, I try to keep the following point in my mind: men usually go hard when they really want something badly enough so if he 's keen he will hopefully pull out all the stops, I know I would if I really liked someone. Just steer clear of the game players, the ones who blow hot and cold or don't get in touch for days on end etc. Life's too short.

glittertits Tue 05-May-15 20:08:13

No worries Britney! The dating game is a bitch. Nothing wrong with knowing/deciding what you want, but having a checklist seems a bit arbitrary to me. Trust your gut, and let the losers wash by!

britneyspearscatsuit Tue 05-May-15 20:13:13

I'm usually guilty of seeing what I want to see when it comes to men and it's easy to ignore red flags when you want a person to fit your expectations. YES!!!!

That is exactly what I do and right now I have about 25 prospects (I know it sounds a lot!) one of whom has given me the serious runaround (mixed signals, headfuck) but he's the one I like and feel all the chemistry for and I am sitting here trying to get a grasp of the "list" I want if he wants to date me. So I can create these firm boundaries and expectations for myself, or if not move onto someone who IS willing and able to deliver.

I just don't want to feel crap again by giving / investing in someone who doesn't like me as much back. My problem is they always SAY they do...a and I basically believe anything anyone says and ignore the fact that their actions don;t really add up. the list is about that in my head.

britneyspearscatsuit Tue 05-May-15 20:19:36

25 prospects in the sense of 25 or so I am texting and who are asking me out. Some have been on the boil for months (I'm not Elizabeth Taylor) and some are actual real life people I know who I know are keen for a date. One I met on a bus! One is an old friend. One works at my son's school etc.

I don't feel that spark for any of them, but the one I like has driven me mad.

Hot and cold, but when I pull away and give up he chases and he is consistent in his inconsistency if that makes sense. I know in my head this is game playing, but oh he is so good at pulling me back. I know he's dating others, or at minimum chatting to others and he's not been honest about that either, but he's the only one I have had an (immensely hot) date with and he wants a second.

I really want to see him, but also want to set expectations of myself for what I will or won't put up with if he wants to continue seeing me, and to be honest I actually want to lay those down directly to him so I am being treated as I deserve.

HellonHeels Tue 05-May-15 20:35:07

Ummm do you think you like that one more precisely because he IS a headfuck? IMO those types choose to behave like that because it hooks people, gives them a craving if you like and keeps them hanging on for more. Easy ego boost.

Do you have a history of types like that who mess you around?

Do yourself a favour and ditch headfuck man.

holdyourown Tue 05-May-15 20:38:03

What's the point of even having a list and then contemplating going out with this jerk confused
How about this: don't go out with idiots who mess me around. So forget about that one and narrow down your top 3 of the other 25 for a date. Simple

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