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bad relationship??

(89 Posts)
elle86 Tue 05-May-15 13:22:20

I am no longer with my sons father but I have a new partner and myself, my son and my partner live in my partners house. We have been together on and off for 4 years. He has ended our relationship multiple times in the past. We did live him before but he literally kicked us out. He has declared his love for me so many times but has always ended the relationship. We never go out where there might be people he/we know. We are not friends on facebook. He always said he doesn't want people knowing his personal business although he's quit happy for other people to post pictures of him and with other girls. A number of times I found texts from him to other girls on his phone although that was in past and quit a while ago, also on facebook. We never talk, literally never talk about anything important, we just sit in silence all the time. When I try and bring the subject up, he just gets angry with me. He never tells me anything. It seems like I just live in a house which he also lives in, not an actual relationship.
It seems like he is always having a go at me. He does get really horrible, although he's never actually hit me, he's pinned me up, grabbed my arm, put his hand around my neck, but I always feel like its my fault. He never says sorry. He always says things and then totally goes back on them.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

HootyMcTooty Tue 05-May-15 13:24:25

Bad relationship, bad man. What do you get out of this relationship? What does he do that makes you happy?

Cherryapple1 Tue 05-May-15 13:25:10

he is abusive - hand around your neck is huge red flag. That alone is bad enough let alone his other behaviour. You need Women's Aid and the police. Don't you think you deserve better? It's not your fault btw. He is an abuser.

tippytap Tue 05-May-15 13:25:40

Erm, why are you with this man?

FriendofBill Tue 05-May-15 13:27:52

You need to find yourself another place to live.
Your son is at risk.
If you were un/fortunate to have police called to the house your son would be placed on a child protection plan.
You seem to have lost perspective?
I feel for you but you have to wake up and get help.

I suggest you call Womans Aid.
0808 2000 247

elle86 Tue 05-May-15 13:29:17

He can change like the wind. One moment be ok and the next he's not. He can be loving although I never really see it anymore. Never says I love you, never messages me anymore while we are at work, just nothing all the time. He knows what I wanted out of life but that's all changed for him, got his own business and nothing will ever interfere with that!

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 05-May-15 13:31:17

This man is no good (understatement) for you and your child.

You are really lodgers in his house and with the same amount of status as well.

There are an awful lot of red flags here in your relationship anyway not least of all the violence towards you and verbal abuse. Why are you still there at all (fear of him is very real, perceived shame on your part - that is totally misplaced); such men do not change and you and your son are being dragged down by him. He is treating you with total contempt and does not give a fig for you or your son.

He is also nowhere near being and will never be either a decent role model to your son; your son is seeing his mother being abused on a regular basis. Is that what you want to teach your son about relationships, to become an abuser as well like this man is to you?.

You have also been physically abused here; his treatment of you has been and continues to be abusive. Please talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247; they can and will help you leave this individual.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself on their Freedom Programme in the longer term as well so you better recognise the red flags to relationships in future.

Quitelikely Tue 05-May-15 13:31:35

You need to contact the homeless team at your local council. Explain you are living in an abusive situation and need to get out for your sons sake.

If that doesn't work, turn up at their office with your belongings and they will house you temporarily.

This is drastic suggestion though. I'm not sure if you have family or friends who could help?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 05-May-15 13:34:14


Abusers can be "nice" sometimes; its all a part of the overall nice/nasty cycle of abuse. That particular cycle is a continuous one. I think you will find that over time his power and control over you has increased along with the frequency of abuse you have suffered at his hands.

There is nothing in this so called relationship for you now and you and he should not be together at all any more. He will destroy you and your son totally if you stay; its as straight forward as that. You have a choice re this person; your son does not.

Jan45 Tue 05-May-15 13:40:10

You have to ask???? Yes, very bad, best thing you can do for your self if not your son is get away from him, he's horrible.

GoatsDoRoam Tue 05-May-15 13:50:24

Do you work? Do you have access to your own money?

In practical terms, what you need to focus on now is finding a new place for you and DS to move to. And get the hell out. What steps can you put in place to find a new place?

In emotional terms, please speak to Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 about the way he treats you, they can listen and give advice. Also consider doing the Freedom Programme. You are living with a horribly abusive man, and your head will be all over the place, justifying and minimizing his abusive behaviour. The way he treats you is not right, it's not ok, and you deserve kindness and respect. I hope you will soon come to believe that yourself.

elle86 Tue 05-May-15 13:57:23

He lash's out at me then I lash out at him. Quit often I will just walk away then later or the next day he act's like everything is ok. I am a full time employee and bring home a good wage. I get the impression he could have been bought up in this life style but not 100% sure.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 05-May-15 14:01:54

Assume that he was indeed brought up in a violent household. Anyway there is nothing you can do about that or him. You cannot rescue him or save him and you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him. He does not want your support.

You and in turn your son simply cannot afford to remain within his house any longer, you cannot be together any more.

elle86 Tue 05-May-15 14:14:36

He seems so different with everyone except me and that frustrates me so much that I try to bring it up and it just causes another argument. He doesn't like me questioning him at all. Puts me down all the time.

Cherryapple1 Tue 05-May-15 14:17:16

He chooses to behave in this way towards you. It is not your fault. You don't cause his bad behaviour. You cannot change or fix him. He wants to row, control and hurt you.

Lottapianos Tue 05-May-15 14:19:23

elle86, there is no negotiating to be done with this man. This is not a relationship that is worth saving. He seems to feel nothing but contempt for you. You deserve so very much better than this.

Stop begging him for explanations and get yourself and your son out. These kinds of relationships are a total head wreck and its entirely normal to feel confused and overwhelmed but seriously, this is not a safe place for you or your son. This man is physically violent to you in an extreme way and is highly likely to become even more violent as time goes on. Get out and away from him. You don't have to live like this.

elle86 Tue 05-May-15 14:21:17

He says I control him because I don't like him going out. The reason for this.... I don't trust him at all. He has never given me any reason for me to trust him. He will watch other girls right in front of me, its so obvious but I don't say a word because again it causes arguments. He says its just a man thing!?

Cherryapple1 Tue 05-May-15 14:24:20

So why are you with him? You don't trust him, he is violent and abusive. So why stay? And no it's not just a man thing.

He has done such a number on you - why is your self esteem so low, and why do you believe his nonsense?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 05-May-15 14:28:35

All that you have written about him are all behaviours of an abusive man. He is simply projecting onto you; this is yet another tactic that the abuser (him) uses against their chosen victim (you).

No trust - no relationship. This is completely dysfunctional and the two of you need to be apart. He will destroy you utterly and take your son down with him if you were to stay.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?. What sort of example did your own parents show you?.

elle86 Tue 05-May-15 14:53:53

I just don't understand why is like this, just so confused to be honest.
What can make someone like this? How can they be this way?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 05-May-15 15:01:31

And what did you learn exactly about relationships when growing up?.

He is the root cause of your confusion, this is precisely what such abusive men do.

Such men like this individual you have referred to hate women, all of them with particular hate reserved for their own mother.

Forget him and why he is exactly like this, concentrate all your efforts now both physical and mental on getting away from him before he really does destroy any sense of you as a person in your own right. He will drag your son down with him too.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 05-May-15 15:27:09

Please call Womens Aid.
They can help you to see that this is abuse - pure and simple!

You say you live in YOUR parents house.
Is that correct?
If so, get him the hell out.

What your poor son is learning about relationships is just awful.

How much does he contribute to the house? Because I call 'cocklodger'
Get rid of him and do it fast before he causes any more damage.

Cherryapple1 Tue 05-May-15 15:43:46

You don't need to understand - you just need to protect yourself.

elle86 Tue 05-May-15 15:45:26

We live in his house, I do own a house though.
I just feel confused....

GoatsDoRoam Tue 05-May-15 16:21:09

I just don't understand why is like this, just so confused to be honest. What can make someone like this? How can they be this way?

Why does he do that?

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