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Communication

(7 Posts)
Mickeyanonymouse Tue 05-May-15 11:31:24

Hi, this is my first post here, I could really do with some advice/perspective.
My OH says I don't talk enough. He's probably right- I have a tendency to dwell on things and try to solve them by myself. I don't know why really. He is the opposite. He wants us to go to counselling, because I need it.
And therein lies the other problem Everything is always my fault. I feel that I am not really what he wants, he talks to me with contempt, usually in an argument, but more and more so these days. He puts me down over little things, in front of the kids.
I do agree I need to communicate more, I have caused a big problem because of this. But the way he talks to me sometimes makes me feel sick. I'm not adverse to some developmental feedback, and have acted on what he had previously said, but it seems there is always something else.
I feel he is disappointed with his lot in life.
Not sure what I'm expecting here to be honest, but have no one in RL to talk to.
If you read this, thank you!

despomum41 Tue 05-May-15 11:58:05

sounds like he`s the one with the problem , do you think you deal with everything yourself because of his reaction to situations , putting you down infront of the kids is not on . Maybe you both need to go for counselling he sounds as if he has his own issues, its easy to blame someone else and much harder to blame the person in the mirror

Lotsofponies Tue 05-May-15 12:08:35

His behavior towards you hardly sounds conducive to encouraging you to open up. This probably makes him more frustrated and the problem gets worse. It's not your fault, its just what has happened. I would highly recommend counseling. When me and OH went we had the initial one together, then and individual session each and then together again. A good counselor will pick up on the dynamics and help you both to see how your communication styles are affecting each other. I thinks its a positive that he has suggested it.

despomum41 Tue 05-May-15 12:14:37

well said |Lotsofponies i was in the same position before i could suggest counselling my partner just disappeared sad packed his bags 6 months ago apparently my communication was not good.

hope you get things sorted soon xxx

nicenewdusters Tue 05-May-15 12:20:41

I don't think I'd be very open and talkative with somebody who does all the things highlighted in your op. I guess you're wondering is it the chicken or the egg situation, which came first, you don't talk because of the way he is, or he's like he is because you don't communicate with him ?

Counselling sounds like a sensible way forward, lotsofponies post is interesting. I would be worried if the way he talks sometimes makes you feel sick, that's pretty extreme.

Do you talk openly with family and friends, or is it just him that you have difficulty speaking freely with ?

Mickeyanonymouse Tue 05-May-15 14:53:26

Thank you everyone for the advice, I guess it probably is a bit of a chicken and egg situation!
When I say I feel sick with how he speaks to me, I mean sick to the stomach that his opinion of me is so low. Not that he is using bad language, offensive terms etc
I'm not great at sharing feelings, but I used to be better. My self confidence in some ways is not good.
Will approach the counselling with an open mind - did it work for you lotsofponies?
despomum, so sorry to see what happened to you, i hope you're getting on ok.

Lotsofponies Tue 05-May-15 17:32:29

Yes it has helped. My partner and I have been together for 18 years. After the birth of child no 3 we were just so busy we sort of co existed, snappy, resentful of each others spare time and hadn't even realized. He got depressed and introverted and both of us thought that the other had 'gone off' them.

The crisis came last Sept when he ended up drunk and snogged another (younger!)woman at his brothers wedding, he was totally shocked at his behavior and realized that something was really wrong, 6 weeks later he finally told me, or rather I managed to extract the truth as I new something serious had happened. We knew we didn't want this to be the end and sort of stumbled across counseling, we had never ever considered it before.

The Counseling has really helped us to see how we got to that stage, how our communicating styles differed and lead to misunderstandings. She focused on the importance of both parties putting 'in' to a relationship rather than leaving it to chance, or expecting that love alone will see you through, as we had done for the previous 15 years.

Has it worked? Yes. We are communicating much better and have had more sex, laughter and fun in the last few months than the previous 3 years. He still has terrible guilt and shame about what he did. My self confidence has taken a battering and I still don't feel totally secure, but it is still quite early days as far as infidelity goes. The main thing is we are able to talk about it. Hope things get better for you.

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