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My DP has let me down and I don't know how to deal with it

(26 Posts)
crumpeteer Tue 05-May-15 00:39:22

We are invited to a summer wedding of a mutual friend. There has been plenty of opportunity for DP to say he can't/doesn't want to go. It's camping with a toddler in tow plus money being tight, having to take time off so not the easiest holiday.
After neither of us sending off RSVP (me hoping he would do it as I didn't want to manage all our outings, see below) I finally spoke friend, apologised for not RSVPing and confirming all 3 of us were attending. I feel I had reason to believe we weren't but I should have checked with him one last time.
So today I chatted about it and it transpires he doesn't want to go, claiming he doesn't want to take anymore time off work (so far has taken off 7 days for the whole year, 4 of which way after wedding invite arrived). He offers to look after DD (which means he has to take time off work anyway) and I go by myself.
I am so disappointed (and told him so) as a) I'm looking forward to going, our only holiday just the 3 of us b)letting down friend who will have finalised numbers c) turning up by myself putting on a brave face in front of our friends, having to excuse/explain his absence. His reaction is to shrug his shoulders, apologise for me feeling disappointed but not budging or saying much more.
DP has form for this hence not knowing how to deal with it, a recent big let down was him saying he would come and meet me abroad at my parents to spend a few days and us travel back together. I was heavily pregnant and had lots of luggage. He went to a gig instead of picking me up from the airport too.
He doesn't enjoy socialising often, much prefers to stay in &watch a film. He very rarely socialises by himself, used to play music with mates but has stopped for various reasons. This is not new behaviour and usually I will just do what I want to do with/without DD and leave it to him if he wants to join in so that we both do what makes us happy. But I do insist on some 'quality family outings' about once every fortnight as I think its important for us as a family. This is annoying me a lot as I don't want to make him want to go places but if I don't we will go to the local park again and again.
He does work 6 days a week in a physical job so I understand that he needs to recharge his batteries. But he only works half days (30h/week max) and used to be like that when not working too.
So what I really need help with is in how to deal with the disappointment and resentment building up. There are other issues in our relationship (when isn't there...) and I have at times been tempted to break it off but for 2 reasons I want to try to make it work: Firstly our 18 month old whom he adores & is a great dad to and secondly we have decided to try and settle in my home country come October, which is what I always wanted us to do. I want to make it work but I'm halfexpecting it not to...sad
Sorry for the essay, I hope it makes sense to whomever has got this far!

Iflyaway Tue 05-May-15 00:56:56

What jumps out at me is that he didn't follow your mutual plan for him to come over to your parents and help you travel back home.
Awful.

And now leaving you in the lurch by having to go to a wedding by yourself (Where's the fun in that?!).

Do you think he is serious about wanting to move to your country? It's just that he seems to be someone who doesn't walk their talk....

Sorry you're going through this.

TendonQueen Tue 05-May-15 01:07:33

I think you'd be better off in your home country, for sure. The not liking socialising doesn't fit with going to a gig instead of picking you up from the airport either. That seems more like he only wants to do his chosen socialising / activity and makes excuses about other stuff.

If you absolutely insisted on him coming to the wedding as you were relying on him there for help, what would he say?

Joysmum Tue 05-May-15 07:45:52

You said you should have checked with him at least one time and I agree, especially as you know he doesn't like socialising.

Your post reads to me like you knew he didn't want to but thought you'd back him into a corner to force the issue.

Relationships require good communication and honesty to work.

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-May-15 07:57:10

Well you shouldn't have confirmed without checking with him. You say neither of you confirmed, as if you hoped or expected he might - had you just made an assumption that he agreed about going? Or had you actually discussed that?

The rest is pretty crap, especially letting you down at the airport.

diddl Tue 05-May-15 08:54:42

You obviously shouldn't have confirmed.

Can you go with your daughter?

If he can take time off to look after her he might as well come with you!

He sounds horrible tbh.

crumpeteer Tue 05-May-15 09:29:26

Thank you for your replies. You are right, I should have confirmed with him but as we've been talking about it for the last 3 months I actually thought it was fixed. But of course I should have confirmed. You mentioned a relationship requiring honesty and good communication this is really the problem, we are 'fine' as long as we don't have to talk about anything important. TendonQueen if I would say I rely on him to come he would not budge, the airport incident was the same. This hurts me most, he won't change his mind no matter what I say once he made it up. We postponed fighting about the wedding as it all came up while being out with our dd, so I will speak again to him tonight.

Dowser Tue 05-May-15 09:51:34

Take your daughter to the wedding. Forget all about him. Forget camping a travelodge or something similar will be worth it for a bit of comfort or maybe another wedding guest can offer the two of you a bed for the night.

Then make plans to get him out of your life.

A man who can't be relied upon is not a man in my estimation.

He's got form for this and he will continue to let you down. You are better cutting your losses now and find someone who's word is their bond!

lottiegarbanzo Tue 05-May-15 10:34:22

I've always thought that what really counts with people we're close to, friends but especially a partner, is whether they are supportive when we really need them.

It's easy to get on when everything's going well and you're both happy for external reasons, it doesn't mean much. Knowing you can depend on someone when it counts allows me to feel relaxed and comfortable with them.

Personally, I'd rather know I was on my own, so make my own contingency plans for crises, than be misled into thinking I could rely on someone who then let me down. That is really stressful and unpleasant. Being self-reliant is not and it works, I am capable and reliable. As are you, you got yourself home from the airport but, if you'd known in advance you were making the trip on your own you'd have planned it accordingly and felt fine about it.

This 'once he's made his mind up' thing is a red herring. This isn't about decision-making or stubbornness, it's about lack of love and care for you.

nicenewdusters Tue 05-May-15 12:44:27

Lack of support is a killer to a relationship. My relationship was great all the time we weren't really challenged and life chugged along very nicely. We faced a massive challenge a year ago, my ex (note the ex part) let me down spectacularly, and after trying to hold it all together I eventually asked him to leave. We also have children.

Looking back, I now see there were lots of times where he let me down in far more minor ways. But I think it all comes back to the same thing, they put themselves and their needs first. I now have a great person who I know will always put me first - me !

wallypops Tue 05-May-15 15:02:01

The let downs builds up real real resentment I'm afraid, and no amount of apologising (which you are not even getting) makes it go away. It sounds that in lots of ways its like you are 2 single parents anyway, so you might as well go the whole hog frankly. I suspect that it might be time to have the talk and without heat, so - sorry, this is not working for me. You are KILLING the love.
For me this would be a deal breaker I'm afraid, I hate disappointment and I hate disappointing. Plus the no communication meuh.

Jan45 Tue 05-May-15 15:32:32

So he pretty much puts himself at the top of his priority list, he doesn't seem to care much about what YOU want, sorry I also would find this unbearable - what's the point being together if he aint got your back?

Time for a serious chat.

crumpeteer Tue 05-May-15 19:15:41

I don't know what I expected to hear, I thought I was ready to hear it, but I'm not. It's just so sad and so hard! How do people do this? Dusters how did you know you had to have that chat?

fluffapuss Tue 05-May-15 22:42:57

Hello Crump

If you both move to your home country will there be any family that can help you with child care ?
Do you anticipate a better quality of life for all of you ?

It seems you spent time with your parents, he spent time at a gig, possibly last bit of "freedom" before baby was born ?

Suggest if you want to go to the wedding go & have a great time with your friends (his choice not to go)

Suggest having "the chat" before you relocate to another country, it is a big commitment

Does he know what you expect or are these thoughts in your head that you have not verbalised ? He may not agree with some of your expectations & vica versa

Good luck

Coyoacan Wed 06-May-15 05:59:37

I feel awful saying this, OP, but if you do want to split up think about where you are going to split up, because you could end up stuck in that country until your youngest turns 18.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 06-May-15 10:09:34

On the plus side, from what you say he is great with DD and he is employed and gave up playing music with his mates - so maybe he feels he's being a responsible partner. You say that money is tight so part of the reason for not attending this wedding could be he is mindful of trying to save.

Otoh not joining you at your parents' nor collecting you from the airport was very deliberate. Working half days should give plenty of scope for doing things as a family. I wonder, were you a couple for very long before the baby came along?

I would not be so sure that he is as keen to go away with you to your home country as you think. He may be paying lip service to the idea now for a quiet life then nearer the time he'll opt out.

Time for a big heart to heart. See what goals you really do share.

crumpeteer Wed 06-May-15 15:08:55

Moving to my home country would be good for me as I'd have my family close by but I envision problems concerning getting work (both of us) and whether he really means to give it a go. Part of me is expecting for him to go back on this plan, but it was he who suggested it in the first place ( knowing it's something I want to do). There was the option of not moving countries but towns and he said to give moving countries a go before dd is in school etc. we don't have much to loose by moving, are renting so relatively easy.
Somewhere in my mind I fear he might be sabotaging this plan because the paying lip service for a quieter life I definitively recognise and as I said, he's got form in it. But this sounds so wrong just typing it, I can't actually imagine there to be some grand plan.
Because I really want us all to go it does on some level stop me from having a serious chat because 'I don't want to ruin' this opportunity, even though this obviously is a recipe for disaster.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 06-May-15 16:21:24

Sabotage isn't a grand plan, it's a habit, of telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

Having the conversation is about starting to improve communication in your relationship. One step in a long journey. Not a single make or break incident. Rather, not a single 'make' incident, more work will be required. It could be a break one but, if things are that bad, wouldn't you rather know?

FizzyGreenWater Wed 06-May-15 16:25:28

I think, if you really want your future to be in your home country, you keep your powder semi-dry for now and focus on that as the goal.

Push ahead with planning it and paint it very much as an opportunity for there to be more general support around so that you can both have a bit more downtime/funtime - that might appeal to him. In other words, you move over there and you'll need HIS support less because you'll have your family.

Hopefully he'll bite. If not - that's when I think you say, right, enough, you're a bullshitter who doesn't have my back - if we're also not going to my home country, then I won't be staying with you here - I'd rather call it a day and find another better bloke to continue family life with while you end up having to put yourself out MUCH more for weekend contacts etc

Again, he might roll over at that point - if you really mean it - and agree to go with you.

And once you're there, I guess you wait a while until he can't make you come back if you split and reassess whether you want to be with him.

But I agree overall with PP. He sounds like quite a nasty bloke really. The kind of man who's just a bit shit - a bit selfish, a bit uncaring, a bit awful. Don't live a life with a man like that.

Duckdeamon Wed 06-May-15 16:29:47

Suggest you get legal advice on whether, should you split up, you could leave the country (or return from the country you're considering moving to).

Of course even if legal you might decide that it would be better for DD to remain living near each other if you split up.

50/50 on the wedding. Camping and attending a wedding with a toddler is not (for many people) fun or a holiday. He should have been upfront though. The other stuff he did was crap.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Wed 06-May-15 17:17:19

I think it is time to sit him down and very calmly tell him that it is very important to you to go to this wedding for the reasons outlined above and that you would like him to attend and support you. They are mutual friends and you will all be emigrating in the Autumn so opportunities to catch up beforehand are limited.

Many, many people are introverted and avoid social occasions like the plague [plus camping may not appeal much either] but imo the greater the infrequency of the social engagements, the worse the problem gets. What is he going to do when you relocate ? Hibernate altogether?

OP - I very much doubt to be honest that your DP has any intention at all of relocating. In your shoes I would start taking steps towards it, like discussing when to give notice to your landlord, sussing out the best time to be in your home country for employment purposes and see what he says/does when the conversation is actually moving towards the practicalities of relocation.

nicenewdusters Wed 06-May-15 20:12:25

Crumpeteer - only just come back to the thread. You asked how did I know I had to have that chat ? Mine came after a very long and involved situation, which completely changed our lives. I got to the point where I could barely stand to be with him, I felt so hurt, betrayed and angry. I used to feel relieved when he left in the morning. It broke my heart that I felt that way and I knew it was over.

You sound like your situation is more a culmination of behaviours and actions that are making you doubt him. I think you are in a better position to have a general "this is how I feel chat" and see what he says. Ultimately he needs to want to support you, and be part of a family unit. Only he can decide if this is what he wants. If he doesn't, he needs to be honest with you, now.

zigazigah01 Thu 07-May-15 12:18:31

I had an ex like this. Getting him to e.g. come to a family event was always a struggle and there were times when I felt embarrassed at having to explain to family or friends why he wasn't there with me (because there was never a good reason other than he just didn't want to). Getting him to spend quality time with me was also hard work. Even booking a holiday was hard work.

The fecker left me ten days before our wedding.

When I think back the signs were there all along. Only interested in his own agenda and not interested in building a life together.

crumpeteer Thu 07-May-15 21:10:12

Ziga how dreadful of him! But I recognise the making excuses, which I said to myself I won't make for him cause I don't want that stress but in reality sometimes I still do.
As an update: I had a very clinical unemotional conversation regarding the wedding, that I felt let down and disappointed (much of what I said before). He said he's sorry he caused me this and that he thinks it won't be such an issue getting the weekend off after all and that we'll go. He said the camping just sounded daunting and not much fun, coupled with the expense etc.
So far so good, it obviously doesn't solve the bad communication we have nor sinking feeling I get as soon as something like this happens.
Regarding the emigration we are fairly set, tenancy terminated, everyone told only notices to be submitted come July. We shall see.
Thank you again for your replies.

CalleighDoodle Thu 07-May-15 22:19:09

Passive aggressive behaviour?

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