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Divorcing a paranoid narcissist 2

(29 Posts)
deckthehallswithdesperation Mon 04-May-15 22:38:12

The continued misery of leaving an abusive man..

Elizabethreallyismissing Mon 04-May-15 23:03:00

Well done for starting another thread Deck! You've come so far since you first started posting! Keep going, you're doing great!

NettleTea Mon 04-May-15 23:06:02

I agree.
I hope it has been useful, even the ability to stick to a looooooong thread rather than post numerous short ones. How far have you come???!!! Bloody well done.

deckthehallswithdesperation Tue 05-May-15 17:46:16

Ok, this'll test ya. I've forgotten the name of a song I want to listen to. I missed catching it on soundhound whilst driving recently. It's an Ibiza 'clubbing' type song, no lyrics, 'ministry of sound' like but not too out there as it was playing on Heart fm! May have come out last year, or the year before, eek! One of those songs where the music builds up & evolves. Haven't the foggiest who it's by. Oh god, total shot in the dark, anyone any ideas?

Spadequeen Tue 05-May-15 20:27:08

I'm terrible with music but glad to have found you again!

I've not posted much but am in awe of how you are coping with everything.

deckthehallswithdesperation Tue 05-May-15 22:14:44

Tired & ready for bed, spent the whole day on & off at the unit having therapy for the weekends shenanigans, all done & dusted now. Made friends again. Another fresh start. Care has been 'upped' for when pdd is totally out. Tomorrow is potentially her first night at home if she feels up to it! Dh has been on the email asking if it's all hit the fan yet & I've replied it's all dealt with. I'm surprised he asked me rather than speak to the unit direct but hey ho. In the meantime, a kindly neighbour has helped themselves to the enormous cardboard pile in the hallway that the new bathroom suite came packed in, so that's a result! Now just have to get rid of a boot-load of jumbo-bubble bubble-wrap, then we can finally have an empty hallway! Separately, I've been enjoying all the mini changes that come from no longer having dh around. I wonder how it feels to him? Does he pine terribly for this house? Does he feel 'out of sorts' at the flats? These mini changes bring me great joy because they were previously unnegotiable:

Freedom from really sticky olive/sunflower oil bottles, we're having dry bottles from now on & I'll be buying rapeseed from now on coz it's got more of the good stuff in than either.
Freedom from that nearly finished concrete hard old ex-squeezy honey bottle that couldn't be thrown or it would be a waste.
Freedom from the tescos carrier bag cupboard, what a waste of space, a whole cupboard jammed solid with plastic carriers. (most of them torn).
Freedom from wee splashes on top of the toilet cistern. Ditto all around the base.
Freedom from a flooded ensuite floor in the morning.
Freedom from dental floss teeth scuzz 'flicks' all over the bathroom mirror.
Freedom from that napalm-heavy pooey toilet smell that would linger on the landing.
Freedom from shirt ironing - Yay! smile
Freedom to choose ANY washing up liquid I want forever more! (I won't be buying tescos own again, I've used nearly a third of a bottle in 2 weeks!) & while we're at it, freedom from twuntish washing up piles..
Freedom to buy clothes & not have to hide the bags grin

Sadly, not freedom from the Tresemme bottles yet, they take A LOT of getting through... Still, not bad for starters. smile

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Tue 05-May-15 22:33:58

Freedom to use the dishwasher instead of having to do washing up? smile

deckthehallswithdesperation Wed 06-May-15 06:50:32

Still a bit of a dishwasher virgin blush only used it once! I've been offered bits of work to do by various people. (my work is something that can be done at home) but I'm so knackered mentally/physically I really need to crank-up my arse to get going. My days are enough with the long drives/ meal prep & small bit of cleaning/organising. I've got to step-up big time, 20yrs I've been without traditional work.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Wed 06-May-15 07:39:24

You probably really need to get some physical and mental rest before you start thinking about work. Time to put yourself first for a while instead of everyone else.

I don't think it's a question of stepping up, or getting your arse in gear, more that there is physically only so much you can do in a day and the severe mental stress you have been under also takes its toll.

Time to be kind to yourself, see if you can start to unwind a little (husband and daughters permitting). Please don't try to stretch yourself too thin, you'll become ill.

deckthehallswithdesperation Wed 06-May-15 12:41:10

Sorry to repeat a message but I really am tired. Anyone know any good ways to pep yourself up apart from good food? I have two hours off now pdds in school & in that time she wants me to open her a basic bank account so she can have her own cashpoint card & I have to drive to the tip & dump the bubble-wrap mountain in my hallway. Time all gone & then have to drive to collect pdd & home to create a 'really nice' dinner confused as requested by pdd. I'm depleted, any suggestions gratefully received. What I'd really like is a deep tissue massage, someone to give the house a builders clean & a mum to feed me lots of vitamins for a fortnight, that should do it smile

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Wed 06-May-15 14:30:39

Rest and accepting that you can't do everything all at once. Take half an hour of the 2 hours to sit doing nothing with a cup of tea, or even have a cat nap. It's not the end of the world if the bank account isn't opened today, or the bubble pack waits for another day.

A good multivitamin/mineral will help but the main thing is to just calm down and get yourself on more of an even keel before you try to do too much.

It won't help you or anyone else if you end up ill through trying to do everything yesterday.

In the nicest possible way both pdd and bdd will have to realise that you need some time to yourself and can't jump to do everything either of them wants immediately.

Toastandstrawberryjam Wed 06-May-15 15:03:05

A good vitamin tonic with iron in it? I think the one I have is floradix or something like that. It works well (when I remember to take it!) I haven't read all through your posts (sorry) but lots of what you are going through sound a chord with my situation!

Re. The massage. You aren't in the South East are you? If not and you can afford one find a sports massage therapist to really sort you out properly.

Momagain1 Wed 06-May-15 16:46:42

Given the age of both DD, i think you really, really need to start your new life with a cooperative attitude toward housework, cooking, etc. A take care of each other attitude. Bdd has been living as seperately as you and DH, pdd has been gone a long time, and everything before was dictated by dh. Their expectations sound frozen in little child mode, and even in copying dad mode.

Can pdd's team offer family counseling for the 3 of you to establish new systems? If not all 3, then at least you 2.

Twinklestein Wed 06-May-15 16:57:11

Purdey's Elixir - silver bottle, you can get it in good newsagents. Always gives me a boost.

ThunderbumsMum Wed 06-May-15 22:10:59

brilliant food blog with easy and unusual recipes

deckthehallswithdesperation Wed 06-May-15 22:24:56


deckthehallswithdesperation Wed 06-May-15 22:27:48

OMG everyone, stampede quickly to Thunderbums website - food porn heaven

ThunderbumsMum Wed 06-May-15 22:54:56

I love that food blog smile

deckthehallswithdesperation Thu 07-May-15 08:39:38


Lemonylemon Thu 07-May-15 13:41:56

Deck here a huge {____} hug for you.

deckthehallswithdesperation Sun 10-May-15 22:38:39


deckthehallswithdesperation Mon 11-May-15 22:31:45

Well, a quiet day today doing the usual (loooong) school run. Pdd safely tucked up in bed in hospital tonight (her choice, it'll be like this 'in & out' for a while). Tomorrow is a big day, followed by an even bigger day on wednesday. Tomorrow is mine & dh's first meeting with a pair of psychs we saw a lot during pdds decent into chaos & who tried hard to give us relationship help/family therapy (only the dds never came). It'll be interesting to see what they want us for now we're officially getting split. We had many many meetings with them, although I reckon dh only actually attended a third if that. I remember one of them drawing a line on a piece of paper with 1 & 10 at opposite ends. 10 was where I wanted to be (fully happy marriage) & 1 was the first step towards that. Each week/month we were given 'tasks' & had to report back & be analysed on it. Task one was going for a walk together. In total, I think we managed this 10 times. It was fantastic for me as it got dh away from the bloody telly/laptop & forced him to engage for a period of time. In the beginning I was really keen, I thought we were finally going somewhere, before too long I got bored of his pontificating on life & just used to walk by his side thinking 'I don't really fancy your vision of life', but never having the belief I could actually change this. He would often talk about houses we could buy & do up but I was bored with carrots being dangled, I wanted life now & I've had too much experience of very juicy looking carrots evaporating into thin air. We were given other tasks too. Tea & cake was one, going to a restaurant was another. Well, we managed the restaurant ONCE & tea & cake maybe 3 times. It was a shame that 1-10 line, because in my eyes, we never actually made it to '1'. We fell at the first hurdle... In our 18.5yrs of marriage we've only had 8 nights out! 8 f ing nights out. I can't believe it now. What was I thinking? I'm gonna bloody well make up for it now I can tell you. It's gonna be sooo weird. I saw these two & protested 'our marriage is fine', 'we never fight' & I truly believed it was fine in the beginning, & we never did fight because I always did what he wanted. What can they possibly want us for now? & they want to see us weekly! Wednesdays meeting is with SS & I really want to hear what they've got to say. I shall choose my outfits carefully because I haven't seen dh for a while & I want to a) let him see what he's lost & b) show him I'm a different person now. Oh & make myself feel super-confident. Only tonight, me & pdd were watching iplayer (we almost never watch tv), anyway, I was enjoying myself & then the thought ran through my head 'ohhh, dh will be home soon' & I felt that 'down' feeling. Then I remembered, no he won't. Mini 'hooray' inside. Only I can't let myself feel it properly. Still doesn't feel safe. I have relaxed a bit in the last 24hrs. I think the extreme exhaustion dropping away is helping but I haven't yet let go of the fear.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Mon 11-May-15 22:56:15

Who has said you have to see the psychs every week? Surely it's not necessary now you're separated pending divorce. Is there anyone you can ask if you have to do it since, I assume you have no thoughts of getting back with H?

deckthehallswithdesperation Tue 12-May-15 06:54:01

It was the 'team' as a whole that has said we have to do it, when we were at the last big meeting with everyone. I have no problem doing it, I know the psychs well & I'm interested to hear what they have to say. It certainly won't be a 'lets fix this marriage' anymore. Since last September they've been asking themselves what was holding me back (from divorcing). These two are from a separate hospital to pdd but they've been involved since the beginning. I can only guess it's something to do with our ongoing relationship with pdd now we're divorcing. Whatever it is it can only help. They know us both well now & if it helps keep dh in line that's even better. & no, I have absolutely no thoughts of getting back with dh. That ship has well & truly sailed. I will never let myself get smothered like that again.

deckthehallswithdesperation Tue 12-May-15 20:32:04


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