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I can't leave even though I should.

(7 Posts)
owhfukkit Mon 04-May-15 18:38:20

I've NC for this.

I've been with DP for 7yrs, no DC.

Throughout a lot of our relationship DP has lied to me and he has also stolen from me (money and possessions that he can sell for money). It stopped 2 years ago and then today I have found out that he has taken something else of mine and sold it. He said that he was sorry and he thought he could have replaced the object without me knowing before I found out.

I wasn't even angry, I just feel really really numb.

But my reason for posting here is that I can't leave. I can't physically put myself through the pain of leaving him because I love him (even though he is obviously a c*nt). I'm also terrified of being alone, I have no friends (although I do have a large supportive family - who incidentally know about none of this). I just feel so useless and crap. I thought he was making changes to be a better person so we could get married and get on with life, now this happens.

My logical self knows I should leave. I'm in my 20's for ffs I know I wouldn't be alone forever, but I just can't do it. A part of me feels like if I just wait that bit longer he could change for good and we could stay together?

I just don't know what to do.

TisILeclerc Mon 04-May-15 18:42:14

Oh love, you do know what to do. You have to leave. You have all the time in the world and you might well find that your old friends come creeping out of the woodwork once you get rid of this cock lodger. They may well be more switched on to the truth than you realise.

You are worth so much more than this flowers

Stealthpolarbear Mon 04-May-15 18:44:40

hes some sort of Addict isn't he
he won't change unless he chooses to, there's nothing you can do, other than choose whether or not to put you life on hold for him, and potentially risk your possessions and even your safety
please please do not get pregnant (I know you've not mentioned plans to )

Floundering Mon 04-May-15 18:49:48

He stole to get money for what?? Gambling addiction, drugs? Booze?

You are young and single, in many ways have been for a time, of course you will make new friends when you haven't got this emotional leech draining all your energy and self respect.

He will NOT change so please do not waste your life waiting & hoping for him to so so. <<hugs>> it is easy for us to say & not easy to do but honestly, you;ll cope, you'll amaze yourself how well you can manage when the clouds of self doubt lift.

Start making plans. xx

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 04-May-15 18:58:59

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is this person meeting here?.

I am glad that there are no children involved so that will make leaving easier. You can leave and no obstacle is insurmountable but you are actively stopping yourself from leaving. You're sabotaging your plans to leave by stating that you love him and are terrified of being alone. I would argue that in this "relationship" you are pretty much alone already; he is physically present but he is not with you otherwise. He has lied and stolen from you repeatedly, are those the actions of a loving man?.

People only change if they want to change; he clearly does not and is not interested. Bad boys are just that; bad. You are there for his convenience and you cannot act as a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship. He is not sorry at all, words are cheap and anyone can say sorry. Look at his actions instead long and hard. He is taking you for a complete fool, no wonder you feel crap because he has also put you at the low point in your life you are now. He probably thinks that you'd put up with anything from him, he really does think that little of you.

You state that you love him but this is not a mutually respectful and loving relationship is it?. Do you actually know what that is, I do not think so at all and you are not getting that with him. How old were you when you met this individual?.

Counselling for you alone would be helpful and you can then also start tackling your fear of being alone (abandoned)?. Why are you so afraid of being alone?. Where did that come from?.

I do not think you love him at all, you are instead mistaking love for co-dependency and you are co-dependent. I would also suggest you read up on co-dependency in relationships. Your self esteem and worth are likely now through the floor (he has also had a hand in that) and being with him now will just drag you down with him.

You are now in your 20s and have known this man for seven years.
Do not stay in the hopes that he will change; people do not fundamentally alter and he has done more than enough harm to you already.

Your family are supportive; talk to them and start opening up to others. You should feel no shame in doing that. You say you have no friends; what do you do during the week?. Do you work?. Why is it that you have no friends, is it really because of him?. Do you go out without this man?.

MatildaTheCat Mon 04-May-15 20:03:23

Talk to your family. Just do it and the rest will follow.

Joysmum Mon 04-May-15 20:33:44

Why do you hate yourself enough to think this is all you deserve? Could you think of anyone else who would agree that you deserve so little?

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