Hello. To start with, please bear with me as my own thoughts are not very clear. I genuinely don't know if I've just lived alone too long, if I'm intolerant or if things aren't right. My partner moved in a few months ago. We each have one child still at home. My 17 year old lives with me, but works about 60 hours a week so is rarely home. His 14 year old is here about 50% of the time. Nice lad. We have very different parenting styles, but both completely accept that and don't directly parent each others children really.
Earnings - I earn a good amount more than him. I also work relief in other jobs if I need additional money. I worked very long hours indeed for about 18 months to pay off house debts. He doesn't have any interest in working any extra hours at all. My mortgage is far less than his rented flat coat and my bills are low in general.
He is lovely, tolerant and peaceful. But...I feel like I have to lead everything. I feel that he looks to me for guidance on every little thing. He has no social life but me, except for a hobby he is passionate about. I showed him a job with much higher earnings that I thought he would be great at - his reply was 'fuck that' as it would sometimes clash with his hobby. We each have £100 per week 'fun' money. I easily live within that, it's plenty! He has maxed out the overdrafts on the accounts in his name that we paid off from my account when we got together (both have our names on my account now so I suppose he paid them off from his own account if that make sense). I really couldnt guess where that money goes as he doesn't drink, smoke or ever buy clothes. We went shopping when we were first living together from the joint/my o riginal account to get him lots of new clothes as he had been on a tight budget for a long time due to high rent, child maintenance, not massive wages etc - don't resent that at all. But I can't fathom how he's spent £100 a week and maxed out his overdrafts of about £900 (in 4 months) which I only know because he has spent another couple of hundred from the joint account and had to tell me he had no money. Some goes on his hobby, but it's not a terribly expensive hobby. One part of me thinks - not my business and the other thinks....eh??!
He does cook. I've put on a lot of weight from being very slim. I loved being cooked for at first. Somehow now I feel quite controlled by it but I have no idea why it makes me feel that way. He also does the food shopping.
He doesn't do anything else round the house unless I instigate it. Then he does a slow slow job...I could clean the whole house in the time it takes him to do the bathroom. He does it well though! DIY is all 'later' and I'm starting to wait till he goes out so I can just get on and do jobs myself. No fussing, takes me 5 minutes and they actually get done. Then I get told 'I was going to do that'.
Lots more, but mainly passive behaviour which is driving me mad. But I lived alone for years and wonder if actually I'm impatient and intolerant. Before I get flamed for suggesting he got a new job, he complains about his wages and makes reference to me being a higher earner. I don't care who earns what as we have one pot for money.
This is very long so I'll post. Please be kind!
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Perspective please
everynameseemstobetaken · 04/05/2015 15:12
The cooking stood out for me.
My mother lives with a bloke I don't much respect. He doesn't pay rent on her home but he "contributes" by shopping and cooking (mostly using money from their joint account).
Now, if he shopped and cooked properly i.e regular meals on the table at a reasonable time, things my mum liked to eat then this would be a substantial contribution to the household, similar to that of a housewife or SAHM. However, in reality it goes like this. He only buys "deals" and reduced food. This ends up being any old crap-- deals on food are usually stuff that nobody else wants anyway. Or it'll be things that go off literally that same day and he'll insist that the use by dates are "just a guide". Because he wants these deals he shops late, and ends up cooking for my mum at about 9pm. She ends up eating at 10:30pm or so! She feels she has to eat it because he's cooked it for her and he doesn't contribute anything else so if she doesn't eat this food he'll be contributing a big fat zero to the household. Sometimes he goes to his mothers. On these nights my mum gets herself a takeaway. She doesn't do this when he's here because he thinks it's wasteful 
My mother is 60 and works full time, earns a good wage and yet can't even control what she puts into her mouth and when she eats!
Your situation is not as bad as this, perhaps but food is so important.
Also, men and women eat very differently and prefer different foods. It's impossible for a man and a woman to each eat the same meal every night, in my opinion. There needs to be variation and input from both parties.
In short, I can completely understand why you feel controlled by the fact he cooks for you.
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