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I have no idea what to do

(10 Posts)
disastrouslee Mon 04-May-15 13:46:32

DP has just said that he thinks we should split up. He says that 'we are not compatible'. I have no idea that we are not and when pressed he says things like 'we want different things'. Unless he doesn't want a reasonably comfortable life, for our 2yo DD to be happy and for us to have some basic treats from time to time, I think we do want the same things.
He hates people. That may sound like an exaggeration, but it is true. Every day he sounds off about something which someone has done that he disagrees with and generally slags off the human race in general. If I try to be the voice of reason, I am attacked for not agreeing with him.
He does suffer with depression but refuses point blank to get help. He says the GP won't do anything except put him on 'mind benders' ( the last time he tried ADs was well over 6 years ago and he has NEVER tried a different kind).
When he is not on a downer he is great: a lovely, thoughtful DP who pulls his weight around the house and with DD. She and he worship each other and they have a brilliant relationship. He seems prepared to throw that away just because he won't get help. I am so angry I could burst. HOW FUCKING DARE HE do this to his daughter? We are meant to be getting married in a month's time as well but frankly that's the very least of my worries.
I don't know if anyone can give me advice but if you think you can, please please do. I'm all out of ideas.

disastrouslee Mon 04-May-15 14:18:03

No one? Careering between extreme grief and blazing anger here. I am not dealing with this.

FeckoffandDie Mon 04-May-15 14:25:45

Hey.

For what it's worth it sounds almost as though he is doing you and your little girl a favour by leaving. It sounds very difficult to live with him.

Could he live round the corner or something and have a good relationship with DD while taking responsibility for his own sadness and way of living - that might take the pressure off.

I am sorry this is happening to you, it must be a shock.

mistymeanour Mon 04-May-15 15:06:37

Call his bluff - say ok let's split. Sounds like he is doing you a favour. If he is depressed then he needs to want to get help for himself. He is being cruel and controlling, perhaps he wants you to do "the choose me dance" . His negativity and the constant eggshell dancing you must have to do must be very wearing and energy sapping.Is he really such a good role model for your DD?

CheersMedea Mon 04-May-15 15:07:28

DP has just said that he thinks we should split up. He says that 'we are not compatible'

Are you sure there is no other woman on the scene or in the background?

I know that's the first port of call round here - but it does seem that a lot of men like to be looked after and rarely trade in a home/sex/cooked meals for nothing at all. In other words - monkey behaviour - don't let go of one branch, until you've got a grip on the next one.

Cherryapple1 Mon 04-May-15 15:09:49

Yep I would be packing his bags now and be reminding him not to let the door hit him as it closes behind him. And certainly prepare yourself for an OW - sorry.

disastrouslee Mon 04-May-15 16:05:47

I am absolutely, 1000% certain no OW. I will not list all the reasons why but they are many and genuine. I'm not the sort to hide my head in the sand, I have considered it, but I know iny head and my heart that this is not it.

TBH it would almost be easier if there was an OW.

He rang the Samaritans earlier. He says I am not sympathetic to his depression, and he has a point. I try to be, but it's bloody hard to feel sympathy for someone who will not help thselves.

FeckoffandDie Mon 04-May-15 17:21:33

I think he probably means you're not acting co-dependent which is a very good thing imo smile

He needs to deal with this problem, not you. The more you stay around him and take the punishment, the more he feels it's all your fault and it's an excuse for him not to take responsibility for his problems.

You sound like you've had enough of it. Your dd need not suffer intolerably if he just moves very close by, that way you get your space and he has to face stuff himself, and dd gets to see both of you a lot.

Would that possibly work?

disastrouslee Mon 04-May-15 17:35:32

Yes it would possibly, Feckoff. He has now climbed out of the black hole and is talking a bit less negatively. The lady at the Samaritans advised him to give the GP a chance (thank God) so he will make an appointment tomorrow.
He is very self aware of his moods when the depression lifts. He is wondering if he may be developing BPD (I would have no idea really, but my uneducated feeling is that he just has untreated depression).
You are right - I will not act codependent for him and you may be right in that he is mistaking that for sympathy. Maybe I will ask him later on.
I am not quite ready to give up on him but at least I think he realises that this is last chance saloon: if he wants to keep his family, the time has come to deal properly with his depression.
Thank you all for your advice.

FeckoffandDie Mon 04-May-15 17:41:33

No worries. He could still be a big part of your family life, whatever happens. No rules about how you do it - whatever works best for you guys.

Good luck x

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