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Married coworker crush help!

(208 Posts)
Goingcrazy20 Mon 04-May-15 10:13:58

I need help, I think I am going crazy!

I've recently started a new job a few months ago, I met this wonderful man who is a coworker of mine, at first I didn't pay him much attention as I was settling into the new job... But over the last few months, I've noticed him more and more he's moved desks so he sits in the same room as me now, he's very sweet, a true gentleman... He holds doors open for me and let's me go first things like that, I've become attracted to him and this has been going on a few months I feel like he's sending mixed signals. I found out he was married so I wouldn't go there but I don't like all these mixed signals.

He looks me directly in the eye and locks eyes when we talk

On a few occasions he has made sexual inuendos or jokes involving me, spent a good half an hour telling me all about himself, his hobbies, likes/dislikes, childhood, growing up etc (to the point a colleague has had to come and find us we have been gone so long) he has put his arm round me, touched my hands/arm (although this is inconsistent) we've had a few moments were we have been standing so close were touching or standing close looking into each other's eyes it's not for a long period of time but it feels like an age, I told him I thought a guy who came in was attractive and he went on about it for weeks.

We flirt a lot but then I think he's just a bit of a flirt in general, he's told me pick up lines he uses, how he's very gentlemanly, he teases me almost every day, he asks for my help with mediocre things and calls me over, he also helps me out a lot with work, he's very protective of me, if there's a reason I'm upset he wants to know about it, even if he has to ask other colleagues, even goes to the extent to ask them about me outside of work, he asks me if I'm alright all of the time, he takes my side during work issues, he covers up for me if I do something wrong and still argues my side even though I'm wrong.

He looks at me when he enters a room, sometimes we make eye contact, sometimes I catch him looking then he looks away, sometimes he smiles at me other times just stares, we sometimes exchange little looks or smiles and other times he just won't look at all, then if I ask him something he will pull cute little faces at me, sometimes when talking to other colleagues he will bring my name into something as a joke and I never hear the full convo.

He makes jokes and looks over at me, sometimes he's looking at me even though he's having a conversation with other people, he has mentioned his wife around me but he has also mentioned her in negative ways too.

He made out to a colleague we had been together on a night that we hadn't, he's told same collegue he's going to take me out drinking, he didn't tell her this when I was around though and obviously it was just a passing comment.

But then he sometimes doesn't speak to me much, or make any kind of effort, he will tease other colleagues and ignore me, he won't look at me, or strike up any conversation, he will bring his wife up in conversations with me, he will flirt laugh joke with other colleagues, or sometimes he's just quiet and working and moody.

I found out last week that his wife didn't know about me he didn't tell her anything and then she got weird and questioned him, since that he's been weird with me.

Sometimes he winks at me, and makes me feel special but he doesn't ask many questions about me unless I mention something he's always listening and sometimes brings it up or asks me about something I said I was doing. Once I told him how I liked his hair and now he does it that way everyday, but then he will give me the cold shoulder and won't even make any effort to say goodbye if he leaves.

We exchanged texts before and although he replied very quick to any message I sent it was work related and didn't send any kisses on the end. He works closely with other people and not me, he shows them a lot more attention some days that he does me, but other days it's all me. He's made it clear he isn't attracted to the other colleagues to me though and they are much older than us.

He made a joke that I get around because I had a few guys flirt with me on the phone and one told him they liked me, sometimes he's harsh but jokingly, I'm so confused sorry this post is so long and messed up its just a lot on my head and I don't know weather he's just being a nice guy or he actually likes me, I know he's married I know nothing will ever happen but I need opinions please?

I'm so attracted to him but I doubt he would ever make a move and looking isn't a crime and I'm not going to make a move or anything so please don't tell me not to go there

AgentProvocateur Mon 04-May-15 10:17:35

You both sound really unprofessional, and whichever one of you is senior really has to put in some boundaries.

Headdesk Mon 04-May-15 10:17:49

What do you need opinions about?

AgentProvocateur Mon 04-May-15 10:19:02

Sorry - posted too soon. Ideally, ask for a desk in another room. The shit will hit the fan, and as you're last in, you'll probably be first out.

Rebecca2014 Mon 04-May-15 10:20:10

This all sounds very pathetic...do you not have a life outside work?

Chipsahoythere Mon 04-May-15 10:21:42

He doesn't sound like a nice guy.
I think you should be worried about what he is saying about you to other people- do people think there is something going on between you? As you say he mentions you a lot, asks people about you after work.

I do think he is attracted to you, OR he is flattered that you so clearly fancy him and he likes the attention. He's giving you the cold shoulder at times because he's married and I assume he must feel guilty (what a nice bloke).

You say you know he would never make a move so why are you even bothered? There's no point trying to analyse all of this because it's totally inappropriate. He's married. He goes home to his wife.

So just focus on your work!

AngryBeaver Mon 04-May-15 10:22:55

Jesus.
He is married.
Get on with your jobs.

NickiFury Mon 04-May-15 10:23:03

Why do you need opinions? Why does it matter if he likes you? It's all utterly irrelevant because he's MARRIED.

Fwiw I don't think he has any intention of making a move on you and you are just a safe target for a bit of extra marital attention bordering on flirting. You would be foolish to attach any more significance to it than that.

however Mon 04-May-15 10:25:36

The shit will hit the fan and he will come up smelling of roses, and you'll come up smelling like, well, shit.

He's a manipulative sleaze.

Rozalia Mon 04-May-15 10:26:38

He sounds like an arsehole who enjoys messing around with your feelings.

Be professional, act professional around him. Don't be his plaything.

TheNewSchmoo Mon 04-May-15 10:28:48

I get the impression you are very very young. You're hugely over thinking this. If you really aren't interested (which frankly I don't believe for a second), then just stop. He is married. Have more respect for yourself than to be the sort of woman who goes after married men.

TrojanWhore Mon 04-May-15 10:30:27

Do you have a new job lined up?

If not, start polishing your CV.

Your post started off sounding like a crush on a nice guy (with you reading normal conduct as 'special'), but the more you wrote, the more he sounds like a lothario.

If you're very lucky, he'll be 'all talk and no trousers'. If not, change jobs before you become an OW, though you're halfway there already.

Especially as you're posting about him on a Bank Holiday - missing your fix of lusting after someone else's husband?

RitaCrudgington Mon 04-May-15 10:39:25

It sounds like he is enjoying a bit of flirting but has boundaries set in stone which he does not intend to cross. Doesn't necessarily make him a nice guy - the weight of opinion on this thread says he's a bit of a bastard - it just means he's not an idiot and doesn't want a divorce.

If you are prepared to have a slightly flirty relationship with him on the firm understanding that you will never kiss him let alone anything more then you're probably safe to do that. If you aren't happy to do that then you need to find a way to signal as much.

Justusemyname Mon 04-May-15 10:49:43

I couldn't be bothered to read your extremely self serving long OP but it is clear he thinks you're an easy lay and you're lapping it up.

Justusemyname Mon 04-May-15 10:51:15

Why would he tell his wife about you? What's to tell?hmm

ToYouToMe Mon 04-May-15 10:57:28

Flirting is one of life's great pleasures. You don't have to DTD FGS.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Mon 04-May-15 10:59:03

Blimey no wonder the economy is stagnant if this is why people do all day at work. And I speak as someone who likes to have the odd (benign, passive) work crush to liven up a dull day.

I agree with the PPs - he sounds like a sleaze with a well established modus operandi. Keep clear and start looking for a new job.

Goingcrazy20 Mon 04-May-15 10:59:03

I am not that young I'm 27, I'm posting about it because it confuses me on a daily basis and I can feel myself wanting him more and I don't want that, so I have considered moving jobs.

Before I do move jobs though I need to know if this is all in my head or if there is something between us, because if there isn't anything untoward then I should be able to stay in this job and move forward ignoring my feelings for him.

I am posting on a bank holiday because it's something that is playing on my mind a lot lately, I wouldn't be OW or ruin a marriage but I don't know if what we already are doing is wrong and if it will develop if I stay, or is he just being a nice guy helping me settle in to my new job.

What I didn't mention is I probably give mixed signals to him too, I will make eye contact and my eyes are drawn to him when we are together but I also ignore him a lot of the time, as if he doesn't exist, I'll avoid him, give him one word answers and basically be 'off' with him, I do this because I can't work out if he's just being friendly or not and I don't know how else to deal with my feelings for him.

Is it possible to move on from having this crush when seeing him all day every day? What can I do? I need this job it's taken me a long time to get a job this good in my sector.

ella152 Mon 04-May-15 10:59:24

You may find this piece of advice from the Guardian about how infatuation is all to do with a heady mix of high levels of dopamine and low levels serotonin (and therefore just a crazy chemical reaction) useful. www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/apr/24/ask-molly-ringwald-ive-become-very-attached-to-a-man-with-partner-and-children

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 04-May-15 11:03:10

Stop it OP, just stop it. I think that you're only saying you 'wouldn't go there' because you know what the posters here will say otherwise. They can see through your romanticising and so can I, I was cringeing for you reading your post.

He's flirting and you're up for it. If you weren't, you'd be accepting the crush as something that happens with a shrug and distancing yourself from harm. You're not doing that. You're overanalysing what he did/said, drawing in other colleagues to somehow make it 'real' and you're glossing over that he's married. You sound ridiculous and you're setting yourself up for a giant fall.

It is very telling that you're posting about him on a bank holiday as Trojan says.

You don't want help in managing this crush and you don't want advice on protecting your career. What you want is opinions as to whether he likes you and fancies you and I think that's why you're posting. Stop this while you still can. You're in a new job and that should be your focus.

AuntieStella Mon 04-May-15 11:04:14

It sounds like you two are grooming each other for an affair, and you're already long way down that very well trodden path.

Of course it's playing on your mind if you need a daily fix.

It matters not to me whether you turn this pre-affair into a full on affair.

But can you really do no better than a married sleaze bag who shits on his own doorstep by hitting on colleagues?

Cherryapple1 Mon 04-May-15 11:05:21

oh dear - why is your self esteem so low that you even care what he thinks?

Just forget about him and do not engage. He is married - his poor wife. He is just casting around looking for someone vulnerable enough to play his stupid, egotistical games.

Goingcrazy20 Mon 04-May-15 11:05:34

Well if you work in a small company and are well established I would assume you would mention a new starter that you are having to work with on a daily basis. She didn't seem very pleased either.

Sorry I know this post is going to stir up not very nice comments but I am not and will not act on this, I'm trying to stop myself feeling like this for him. I'm trying to be a decent woman and do what's right, not the other way around.

Maybe that's all it is for him, flirting fun.

Tequilashotsfor1 Mon 04-May-15 11:05:36

He is the office sleaze!

There was one at my old work and he was exactly the same!

Don't kid yourself that he was a relationship with you. There will be other women that he has done/ doing this with.

My friend left her Dh so she could start a relastionship with him and her and office sleaze are still playing the same dance - although it did go a little further.

If you go in work and ignore him he will be all over you in a rash - it's the chase these men like then making you work for his attention.

His poor wife.

TheNewSchmoo Mon 04-May-15 11:07:26

27? Well then grow up. You're embarrassing yourself and very probably the laughing stock of the office.

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