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Friends DH has left her, she doesn't know why but I do .

(138 Posts)
kittensinmydinner Sun 03-May-15 13:59:23

This is a very difficult one. Good friend (not super close - but very long term, we were at school together) anyway friend has been married 10yrs with two dcs 8 and 5. Works part time all seems fine on the surface. Except - good friend (gf) has piled on weight since the babies and is now 16st . Her Dh is very good friends with mine and has talked to him (and now me) a lot about the situation. Her DH loves her, but no longer finds her sexually attractive. Her weight has caused her to become very sedentary and no longer wishing to participate in the sporting activity that both our families enjoy. Her DH spoke about this a few times over the last 5 yrs to ask advice on how to suggest/support/encourage her to lose weight. I know from conversations with him that he has NEVER badgered her (and to me she seems to make light of her weight and jokes that their sex life isn't what it used to be but 'hey ho he loves me warts and all') So, to the nub of the dilemma. Friend is 42yrs old, her DH is 45. He wants to have sex, he confided he hasn't had sex for 4 y but can no longer live in a celibate marriage. He will also not look outside the marriage for sex. So what are his options. He has tried to suggest weight loss from the health perspective but this has fallen on deaf ears. He can't say ' lose weight or I leave' as that is cruel but otoh is it really fair to leave someone without discussing his reasons and giving the other party the chance to do something. He has seriously thought about just knuckling down to a sexless marriage but cannot reconcile to it (and why should he) his dw never mentions sex or the lack of it. She seems content to close down that part of her marriage. Anyway he came over last night, having made the decision that he has to go, and told his dw that it's over . She is obviously devastated And knowing he came to see us last night, has phoned me and asked why he has left ? I have been a coward and sat on the fence, told her he seemed upset and unhappy...should I tell her the reason ? Or keep my counsel. The marriage is definitely repairable if she put in a tiny bit of effort , he really is a good father, affectionate husband and great provider. He also looks after himself and really only wants his dw to do the same, without actually having to say anything as wants it to come from her. Wwyd ?

Branleuse Sun 03-May-15 14:05:22

He hasnt really given her any chance to make amends if he hasnt actually told her that her weight was a problem well in advance of it turning him off. Was this out of some misguided sense of being nice and not mentioning her weight, until uh oh, suddenly he doesnt fancy her any more.

I think hes a bit of a cunt talking to you guys but not talking to her. How humilating

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sun 03-May-15 14:06:58

Hmm, tricky, but at this stage I would think honesty is the best policy. If you are sure that your friend's weight is the sole reason for her DH leaving (seems a little shallow after 10 years, there could be more...) then doesn't she deserve to know why her marriage has ended?

Of course, it should be her DH being honest with her though, rather than being left to a friend to tell her.

FWIW, losing a considerable amount of weight is never a "tiny bit of effort" and YABU for thinking it is. Also, plenty of fat people have healthy sex lives - so the two things may not be as closely linked as her DH is assuming.

HerBigChance Sun 03-May-15 14:07:49

Yes, he needs to tell her himself. How can she do anything to repair things if she doesn't know the problem? She may have an inkling as to what it is, but that's not the same as a conversation (a kind one) explaining the problem. From him. It sounds as though he's hoping you might tell her and save him the bother, which is wrong.

Chillyegg Sun 03-May-15 14:13:44

I feel sorry for the poor lass! For her its going to be a massive kick in the lady balls either way! Personally id tell her, but her dh should of been the one to in the first place. He comes across cowardly and id be mega pissed if someone i knew was discussing my marriage and weight when it affected me so!

FenellaFellorick Sun 03-May-15 14:14:39

So he didn't want to hurt her by saying anything so he left her instead? Cos that's just so much less hurtful than an honest conversation.

Yeah right. Hes a prize.

I give it a month and he'll be introducing this new woman he's only just met...

NorahDentressangle Sun 03-May-15 14:15:10

OMG - really bad set up.

He should be discussing this with her. How the hell can you advise on why a couple are not having sex. You are hearing one side of the story. I would keep out of it and tell him to man up and work on a solution with his DW - if he really wants that which I doubt.

kittensinmydinner Sun 03-May-15 14:15:20

No he really isn't , he is a really gentle guy who has really tried to encourage and be supportive. For example, 4 yrs ago I had put on a couple of stone, so I suggested we go to a weight loss club. He was absolutely fantastic, read the books, cooked the suggested recipes, etc etc. she lost 8lb in 4 weeks but said she hated dieting, made her miserable and gave up. .. And yes, he has tried to talk to her about how he finds obese a huge turn off - but maybe, because he isn't a cunt, he has never come out and said ' I find the weight gain a turn off' how do you have that conversation in a 'kind' way. He doesn't know how to do it, I suppose that's what I am asking here on his behalf, how does he have that conversation ?

AnyFucker Sun 03-May-15 14:15:32

You need to stay out of it

This bloke is either useless in that he hadn't made it clear what the problem is, he has made it clear and his wife has understandably told him to shove it or he is using it as an excuse to get out and is rewriting history, possibly because he has someone else lined up

all of those you cannot assist with, other than telling him he needs to be completely honest with his wife

AuntieStella Sun 03-May-15 14:16:35

Both were unhappy in the marriage, it seems.

And it is for them to find out if the split is final or if anything that can be salvaged.

I'd stand well clear, because I'd have no idea if the bits that I'd heard were representative of the difficulties as a whole (and it's not like something definite, like a known affair).

It is a pity that what he finds sexually attractive is limited by weight. But if he's been stuck within that limitation for so many years, then he's probably not going to change.

Expect to meet a new GF soon. He might not have one already, but there's probably something in the offing.

pocketsaviour Sun 03-May-15 14:16:42

So if I'm reading right, he hasn't left because she's gained weight, he's left because they're in a sexless marriage?

But is it sexless because he doesn't fancy her any more, or because she doesn't want sex?

Difficult one. I would encourage him (or get your DH to) to level with her and be brutally honest. It might be painful for her to hear, but surely she deserves the truth.

I don't think it should come from you, that would be humiliating.

AnyFucker Sun 03-May-15 14:16:47

How involved with this are you ?

emotionsecho Sun 03-May-15 14:17:27

It's tricky but he should tell her why he is no longer happy in their marriage it appears your friend is going around with the view that everything is fine. If he can't say it to her face to face suggest to him they go to Relate or something similar where they can both air their views in front of an objective, uninvolved stranger.

As a friend you could say something to her along the lines of "Has he never said why he may be unhappy, have you never picked up anything regarding how he feels?" or "I know you joke about your lack of sex and that you think it's all fine but are you really sure your dh feels the same, have you actually asked him?" However, if you tell her what you think is the reason her dh is unhappy it will not end well for you and her dh should not put you in this position and what may happen if you do tell her is he will deny that's the reason thereby painting you as the bad guy, it's not worth going down that road.

NorahDentressangle Sun 03-May-15 14:20:46

I would encourage him (or get your DH to) to level with her and be brutally honest

Maybe it's my volatile temper but if someone did this to me after my DH had walked out I would at least shoot them.

Pagwatch Sun 03-May-15 14:23:38

God, how awful.
I don't think you can say anything but I think you and your DH need to recognise that you are just listening to a man slag off a woman he is screwing over. I would be saying 'can you please stop talking about x. Whatever your need for a shoulder to cry on, your disrespect for the mother of your children is making me dislike you more by the minute'
And I say that having said it to an ex-friend cheating on her dh trying to list his 'failings' to me.

NorahDentressangle Sun 03-May-15 14:25:22

*I would encourage him (or get your DH to) to level with her and be brutally honest.

Maybe it's my volatile temper but if someone did this to me after my DH had walked out I would at least shoot them*
OOps I read that as getting OPs dh to level with her, I see it is her DH.

But am flummoxed that it's easier to walk out than to tell someone you don't like their weight. And if it was an issue 4 years ago then are you sure there is no OW which has spurred this.

emotionsecho Sun 03-May-15 14:26:02

Thing is their marriage can't have been that good if he is 'afraid' to tell her how he feels, was he hoping that by not having sex his wife would miraculously cotton on that he no longer found her physically attractive?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sun 03-May-15 14:31:38

I'm not sure a spineless pathetic man who wouldn't even be honest with me but would slag me off to our friends would be worth saving.

I hope the wife ends up happy and ditches everyone who doesn't have her best interests at heart.

kittensinmydinner Sun 03-May-15 14:31:53

I am only involved with this because the husband has confided in my DH. and subsequently me. I am an old school friend of the wife.
The problem is that the husband loves her but finds the wife's obesity a huge turn off not just sexually but the fact she has become so sedentary and seems quite happy with the situation. They haven't had sex for 4yrs. Husband wants his slimmer wife back, for sex/health/lifestyle reasons. Wife seems to be happy with her size and happy to be celibate.

tribpot Sun 03-May-15 14:33:09

He can't say ' lose weight or I leave' as that is cruel

Whereas telling her he's leaving without explanation is less cruel?

The marriage is definitely repairable if she put in a tiny bit of effort

Or if he did - for example, by not being repulsed by his wife's weight. You seem to find it entirely acceptable that he not want to sleep with her due to it.

Personally I think he's fucked the marriage up anyway. Imagine if she has to try to lose weight knowing desperately that if she doesn't do it, or doesn't do it fast enough, or doesn't tone up enough in the process, that he will leave anyway. What a hideous emotional pressure.

He needs to tell her.

ltk Sun 03-May-15 14:33:10

I don't think it is just weight. We don't know what she has been thinking during the last 4 years without sex (and that must occur to her as a reason he would leave). We don't know why he has walked out without trying couples counselling to save the marriage.

I do think she will be better off with someone who really does love her, warts and all, and is committed to her in a way that doesn't go up and down witht the scales.

tippytap Sun 03-May-15 14:35:15

Sounds like an excuse to me. Now he can be the 'good guy' with his pals and has 'tried his best' and 'put up with a lot'. I give it 2 weeks before he 'meets' someone new.

Oh, and definitely stay out of it.

StaceyAndTracey Sun 03-May-15 14:35:49

Plenty overweight people have great sex with their normal weight partners .

He should not be discussing his sex life with his best freinds wife . You have very odd boundaries if you think this is appropriate or helpful

If he wants to save his marriage he should be talking to his wife and perhaps a cousellor or therapist. Perhaps he coudl get help for his issues around weight . Has he sought any help for his obsession with thinness and his lack of sex drive ?

It might be worth him seeing his doctor, in case he has some undiagnosed medical problem , like diabetes .

However I think it's a lot of bollocks. I think there is another woman and he's getting his story " out there " in advance of him leaving . " poor me, I'm in a sexless marriage " is classic adulterer talk .

You sounds a bit over invested TBH. You have no idea if he is a " good father and affectionate husband " since you are not living with him . And " a great provider " ?? Are you sure youre not actually his mother?

You also seem to lack a bit of empathy , if you think that losing weight requires a " tiny bit of effort" .

Or is this a reverse thead ? Are you actually the Husband looking for MN to says it's OK , that's a good enough reason to leave your wife and kids ?

Dumpylump Sun 03-May-15 14:37:36

I think her dh needs to stop talking to you and your dh, and start talking to his wife.
If this was a husband of a friend of mine, I would tell him to go and sort it out with her and stop bitching behind her back - I think you're too involved, and from what you've said I doubt very much that your friend is as happy as you seem to think she is/was.

Squeegle Sun 03-May-15 14:38:38

You/your DH needs to say to him - please keep us out if it, you're making this very awkward, please talk to your DW and don't tell us any more. It's really unfair.

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