Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
So sick of DH's stupid lies(45 Posts)
We have been together for over 10 years. DH is very laid-back, never gets angry, a bit unmotivated. We've had a lot of stress since we've been together, mainly due to financial problems and lack of communication. We have 2 DCs.
DH lies about stupid stuff constantly. The last example was yesterday. He told me that his client had offered to take us all out for a late lunch to a nice restaurant (this is true). We had quite a lot planned, but we could definitely fit it in. They hadn't confirmed the time so in the morning I suggested he call him. He sent him a text instead. We waited all day for Client to get back to confirm the time. In the meantime, we went to a shopping centre and I bought myself a cheap dress, but one that was suitable for a nice lunch (I only had jeans). All day I kept asking him if Client had got in touch. All day he told me he hadn't.
He got a text at 1.30 pm and I thought I saw Client's name on his phone, but DH didn't say anything. I kept asking and asking, and he kept saying he hadn't been in touch.
It turned out he had. Client had texted to ask if we could make it earlier. After lie upon lie upon lie, DH finally admitted that he didn't want to go so lied about not getting the text. To him and us.
I am furious. Why not just bloody tell me?
This isn't the first time he's done something like this. In fact, our whole relationship has been based on lies. For the first couple of years we were together, I was convinced his family didn't like me. He insisted they loved me, thought I was great, etc. then I read a text from his sister saying "you know none of us can stand MythicalChicken…". He lied recently about one of his mates coming to work for the company when I knew he'd turned the job down. He kept the lie going for weeks. It's such a stupid lie, why do it?
The thing is, because he lies so much I can't trust him. There have been a couple of times over the years where he has been on a business trip and I haven't been able to get hold of him. I don't think he'd cheat on me, but giving his form for lying, I just don't know.
I feel shut out from his life and very, very lonely. I have no friends where we live and am very isolated. I told him I'd had enough and I want a divorce. He said he doesn't want that. Unfortunately, DS aged 10 heard and now he's crying.
Thanks for reading. It's good to get it out. I don't know what to do but counselling is out as there is nothing like that here.
That sounds like an awful way to live. Does he ever acknowledge he lies? It would be a deal breaker for me.
Oh, and he doesn't gave to want divorce for it to Halle . He dies have to want to change to save any relationship with you.
Thanks for your reply. I am glad you would feel the same way, it's not just me. He does eventually acknowledge the lies, when he absolutely cannot lie any longer due to the proof staring him in the face.
I just feel that we don't really have a relationship. I look at him and he's a stranger.
Is he otherwise reliable, and does he lie about big stuff? It just seems really odd, and I wonder if he has some reason, like always lying to parents as a child? Otherwise it's pointless.
He's very reliable. If he says he will pick me from somewhere for example, he would never be late. He never goes out, always comes straight home from work. I have no issue with him going out with mates, but he very seldom does.
I don't know if he lies about big stuff, although he managed to hide a pretty significant porn addiction from me for 6 months. It was 10 years ago. I had no idea it was going on (not an issue now, as we live in a county where porn is not accessible.)
I look at him sometimes and have no idea what is going on in his head… the lies seem so pointless. You might have a point about his lying to his parents as a child. They were quite strict. But he's a grown up now...
This has really upset you and you have every right to be upset. Would he move out, and give you time to think? If it does turn out that there's a reason for this, and he's willing to try and change, does that affect how you feel?
It's just such an odd thing to do, with no apparent gain from it, that I wonder if it was a coping mechanism he learnt in his childhood and doesn't know how to grow out of.
If it was doing something like keeping money to himself or sleeping around, it would be hideous but more logical, iyswim.
That's just it, there isn't much to be gained by the lies. It just seems so pointless .
Hi Mythical Chicken - How does he react when he is caught out lying? Is he affronted or nonchalant? He sounds like a pathological liar.
Is he doing it for attention? Do you think he might be lying about other (bigger) things as well?
Sounds like a pretty intolerable situation.
He gradually admits to them, there's no sudden admittance that he's been lying, if that makes sense.
He could be lying about bigger stuff, I have absolutely no idea...
His behavioour is unacceptable. Out of curiosity how do you react when you discover he is lying?
This sounds exactly like someone I know well, it turns out that he grew up in a family where lying about day to day or unimportant things was just normal.. It got to the stage where if he said it was sunny or raining, he wouldn't be believed. It was like lying for lying's sake. He did access counselling and no longer feels a compulsion to lie about insignificant things. You say that there isn't counselling for this (where you are, perhaps?), but it might be worth investigating some more, or looking into different forms of counselling like hypnotherapy? Good luck.
Sorry for the slight off-topic post, but I read a previous response which suggested asking him about moving out.
For me, that's extremely bad advice and I hope something which wouldn't be taken at all lightly. Depriving someone of their home and putting distance between partners seems an unlikely means of gaining a longer term solution.
If he has an issue with not telling the truth (especially when there is no immediately obvious gain) then him exploring the reasons for that with a councillor sounds like a good first step. Despite your obvious (and understandable) frustration, it'd demonstrate you were willing to work on helping you find a solution to this with him.
I have a friend who would lie about this sort of thing (the lunch). For him I think it comes from having really low self-confidence. So if telling the truth involved expressing his feelings about something, and he knew the other person felt differently or would be unhappy with him, he just wouldn't be able to do it. It's cowardice, really. But for him I think it comes from a lifetime of his father letting him know that everything he thinks/feels/says/does is wrong. Does that fit with your DH?
I don't know. I genuinely don't know why he does it. I have thought of another recent example… his parents called him on his birthday. I asked him how they were, what they were talking about, etc. and he said "oh you know my parents, nothing to say, just Happy Birthday followed by an awkward silence then we said our goodbyes." So no news? No. Nothing to say at all? No.
During the course of the next couple of weeks, snippets of that conversation with his parents started coming out. Like his Dad needing a pacemaker fitted. That kind of thing. So much for nothing to say.
He doesn't have much confidence. Being totally objective here, I know that he is way above my league. I am like trailer trash really. Not dissing myself, but just giving you the picture. He is also much, much better looking than me, comes from a good family, etc. etc. I think he settled because he didn't think he would find anybody else.
Mm. I was a bit like this, but then I was brought up with the constant threat of violence at home and school. The lie would get you hit for getting caught, but there was always a chance it might work. The truth would get you hit every time, because that was showing defiance and lack of remorse.
Luckily, I had an uncle set me right in my 20s. He was from one of the warrior cultures where they still do death before dishonour. Also I was no longer hittable by anyone under 6 foot and 14 stone.
It sounds like your DH is basically a decent guy with problems. He needs therapy though, and pretty heavy therapy at that.
He's got no reason to lie, most of his lies are about such mundane things. If he had said he didn't want to go out with Client, then fine. Why lie? It's so dumb.
I told him this morning I can't take anymore and I want a divorce. We kept saying, "no, that's not going to happen, no, that's not what I want." He just doesn't appreciate how much his lying is driving me away...
Lying like this shows a really warped way of thinking, he doesn't want to rock the boat so rather than face things he just hides his head
It's dangerous though, as it leaves you on really unsolid ground as you don't know what's real
You do know that his lack of respect for you has eroded your self esteem to the point you think he is out of your league? Because how low is your opinion of yourself that you think that somoene who can't tell the truth about the weather is out of your league?
Quite frankly, he isn't the one who has settled, you are - I don't know whether you had self esteem issues before you met this man but they are so apparent now.
I don't know why he lies, I have known people who lie like this, not just lies to get out of doing stuff etc but bullshit about being related to celebrities, things they have done etc. It is so transparent, but in the long run, it is boring, really really boring.
I totally understand why you want to divorce him.
Sounds like intimacy issues..between the lying and porn addiction
Can you expand on intimacy issues, please?
The lying stops you seeing the real him, it's like a fog
It's so much easier for him to use porn as there is no connection to a person involved
Oh, I see. Yeah, he is very distant. You never really know what's going on in his head. I don't think we've ever really connected. I thought it would come with time, but it hasn't .
It may never come as he just doesn't have it in him
I don't want to bring up another thread, but are you in quite a vulnerable position just now?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.