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M-F What and how should I do it?

(15 Posts)
Kris1975 Sat 02-May-15 16:44:42

I have been trolling the forums for a while and I have found several posts that I have found some great advice from on similar subjects.

My reason for this post is to get some advice and maybe some guidance or a new way of looking at things.

See, I am a male to female transsexual, I have always been this way it's not a choice it's how I have always felt. I have not transitioned and I still live as a male, as I now have two totally awesome children, one 5 and one 8 years old. Both lovely and happy.
Ok, maybe I should rewind a few years.. Since the age of 15 I have been doing drag, I even carved a career as a drag queen deejay and travelled the world deejaying, life was great. I started the transition, I did all the Charing Cross jump through hoops, live as a woman full time and so on..this was very easy for me as it just felt natural and right.
Anyways.. I was on HRT for maybe 7- 10 months, the strangest thing happened, my partner fell pregnant. At first I was sure it couldn't be mine as I shouldn't be able to produce healthy sperm due to the HRT, I knew my partner was faithful and I manned up and stopped everything, stopped being myself and I became my first born sons dad. I started a business and got working in a,normal, role. I built a good business. A few years latter we had my daughter. All was fine, I was so busy with the business and arranging work and doing deals I actually thought my transgender had gone! I thought being a dad and a business man was all I needed. It lasted a few years.

To present.
My partner has just been accepted on a NHS university course to be a mental Health nurse, she already has two degrees so this third one and this will land her a top job. She has been working towards this for the last few years, and I did say when I started my business that when she gets on the course I will give up work and stay at home with the kids. (We don't want child care) being a person of honour I held my word. And I sold my business.

Now she is the bread winner, and our lives are really good. We are all happy and in a comfortable position.

This is my problem, I feel more transgendered now than I ever have! I have told my partner and she feels the same way as I do, this is who I am before we met, and whilst we dated. Our problem is the kids. It's more my problem, how the hell do I even go about it. Will it cause problems? Will they get bullied at school? And so on..
Is there anyone else in this position? I am of the thinking of waiting until they have finished school and then just dropping it like a bomb, daddy's done this for you, so you let him do this for herself.

I know I probably need some kind of counselling, how ever at the moment like I said, my life is great, I have never been so secure and happy.

The shadow just won't go away... Anyone else feel like me?

Thanks for reading, and sorry if I seem to babble a bit, I've not really written anything since school. ��

ALaughAMinute Sat 02-May-15 16:58:07

Hi Kris, how old are your kids and what do you feel you need to tell them? Are you planning to have a sex change for instance?

Obviously it depends on how old your kids are and what your plans are but if they are very young I would suggest you tell them in stages. I might also be advisable to talk to their Head teacher at school to put him/her in the picture.

spicyfajitas Sat 02-May-15 17:28:39

I wonder if there is somewhere you could speak to families who have gone through this. My feeling is that children are adaptable and resilient and that they and their peers are at great ages to be able to be more accepting.
My kids are 10,8 and 6 and are frequently somewhere where a m-f transsexual woman helps out. None of them have even commented about it.

Kris1975 Sat 02-May-15 17:38:50

Hi Alaugh,

Thanks for the feedback, my kids are girl five and boy eight.

I guess I would have to tell the school and everything wouldn't I! I guess that is the final decider..

I think it would be best for them for me to exist in the 'male role'. At least until they leave school. I don't think it would make me happy knowing I have potentially made my children targets for bullying.

This brings me to my second dilemma.

How do I tell the kids daddy like to cross dress whilst he is doing the cleaning and lounging around the house. I'm not talking little skirts and tops or anything like that. Just normal clothes, cardigan and lounge pants and so on, more feminine than my usual jeans and shirt look. I'm not out to impress others or to show off, some transgendered are camp and bitchy and self absorbed, I have never fit in with any other transgendered person, I am to normal and down to earth for them I think. What I am trying to say is that, I just do it to help my mind feel aligned with how I feel. I have had years of dressing to impress, I used to be a transgender model so I really have got all that side out of my system. I just want to be normal.

But how do I even begin to tell my kids, especially my son who is eight years old. I have dropped a few hints with him, like he asked me the other day, which Star Wars would I be, I said princess Leya, he didn't like that "no way, your my dad""choose again" ...

It's driving me crazy, as I want the best for my family, but yet I just feel so wrong in my own body. I'm nearly 40, you'd think it'd go away by now or I'd be able to deal with it and ignore it, but it's not like that.. It's just dead hard to explain. I am such a level headed person as well. Madness.

spicyfajitas Sat 02-May-15 17:39:56

You sound like a very close family and it's wonderful that you have your wife's full support.
It sounds like waiting could be very uncomfortable for you and while waiting for the sake of your children may be noble, it may not be the healthiest for any of you.
My father waited to carry out a very different plan and in doing so built up a lot of resentment, plus I felt like a lot of my childhood felt like a lie. When he carried out his plan it was like a bomb, and I think our relationship would be better now if he had been more true to himself.

Kris1975 Sat 02-May-15 17:49:47

Thanks spicy.

I know what you mean, when I used to be kris side full time, kids didn't notice to be honest. On the same hand, how would a kid who knew the person before the change feel?

I've looked for groups and so on, I have found a few posts on here from the wife's side, and it seems very distressing for many. My partner how ever knew this all along so it is no surprise to her and she is so chilled about it. It's just me and my fear of mentally scaring the kids..lol

Just need to chat to others who have experienced similar and how there kids handled it in the long run.

Kris1975 Sat 02-May-15 17:53:29

Yes spicy. It is very painful. Every morning is like a dilemma for me, then all day.. I like being in bed because there I feel normal.

I hear what you are saying about building this up, this is why I came here. It's not healthy and I know it. I try not to show it to anyone but I know it must be seeping out in other ways and it's just not fair.
It's not fair on anyone as life is great, I've had many spammers in the works and it just seems like we have very few...but this one big one hanging over us all... ��

eddielizzard Sat 02-May-15 18:37:37

you sound amazing. so caring and supportive of your family.

i guess what i would do is start doing little things that felt more like 'me'. it's terrible to live a life of fear, and we all fear for our kids. i think that bottling it all up inside isn't good for you, and therefore not for them either. if they do get bullied, then that's something to address at the time. they may not be bullied. i think children are much more accepting that we assume.

i think we have to teach our children how to be by example and if you try to hide what you feel then you are teaching them that what you feel is wrong. they love you already, just take small steps. i don't think you need to sit down and have a major family conference about it. i suspect that they will feel more relaxed and happy at home if they sense it off you.

what does your dw think?

MythicalChicken Sat 02-May-15 18:53:13

It's nice to see the verb 'trolling' almost used in its traditional sense grin.

Kris, you sound like a really caring parent. What does your wife say about you transitioning? There's a show I believe in the UK (Kardashians) where the dad is transitioning. Might provide a talking point although maybe your kids are too young for the show (I don't live in the UK so have never seen it).

I wish you all the best of luck. I know a few people who have been through this. My DD's piano teacher had a sex change. He was married with 2 kids. Lessons stopped for the summer and when we went back, he was a she. The pupils all just accepted it and immediately adapted to calling him by his new female name.

Good luck!

Skiptonlass Sat 02-May-15 19:53:33

You know, the best thing for kids is to have stable, loving adults in their lives, regardless of gender. If you're loving stable parents now, you'll still be loving stable parents in whatever gender you identify as. My guess is that your kids will just shrug, accept and carry on loving you both just as you are. If you're desperately unhappy, then that they may pick up on.

It's not quite the same thing but one of my great friends growing up had parents who were miserable - her dad had affair after affair and she had all sorts of confidence issues. Eventually, her mum got shot of her dad and met a lovely lady who she's still with today. My friend was SO much happier with a stable, loving home life, and I can't remember her getting any flak from any of the kids in our school (quite a rough school, the pupils were certainly no Angels.)

I think the issues you'll face will come from other adults, I.e. External to your family unit, not your children. I second the posters above who say to get support from other families who have done something similar.

Good luck to you. If your partner is on board, you're already winning. Baby steps, keep communicating with your kids and reassuring them the whole way, and I hope it all works out well for you smile

Kris1975 Sun 03-May-15 07:14:33

Thanks everyone, very kind words. I was expecting a different reaction to be honest. I guess I have bottled up my true feelings, and along with these feeling reality gets caught up and dragged in.

In reality, honesty is always the best, I've lived my life by that motto, and I drill it into my children. I do not want to be seen or known as a hypocrite.

I need to give my self a shake and wake up and face the music and be happy, like every one says, a happy mum/dad is a happy child and family.
Simple formula really, a sprinkle of love, and a whole heap of honesty, stir it up add some empathy and nature will do the rest.

I know my children love me, because I love them so much. The kindest thing is to be myself and to teach them that it is more important to be who you are inside, than the person people think you are on the outside.

My partner, she loves me too, we have been together for 12 years, we've been through a lot together and we always stick it out, I think she is ok about it, or at least she says she is, because that's who I was when we met and she is not surprised it has come back as it is some thing that can never go away. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. The reason I think that I didn't transition pre puberty is because I was living in care from a early age, and if you are in care I'd say it's more survival than living. So again my feelings had to be repressed. I truly believe that if I had of been born to a different more stable family I wouldn't even be here asking this question (the silver lining is I also wouldn't of had my two children).

How ever, get back to my partner,she also says that she is worried about me restarting HRT in case my moods change (which they do, but I also feel more mature now that I did the 1st time and in a better place to deal with that sort of thing). I have said to her, I will wait another year and if I still feel this strongly about it then I wish to seek help and restart, and in the mean time I shall just keep it secret and away from the kids. (I'll obviously discuss any decision regarding the kids with her before I do anything.)
I do know one thing, and that is that I do truly love her, she is my second relationship .. Ever. And it's special. When I was in my full blown krissie mode transitioning I didn't think anyone would ever love me. I had many friends and clinger onners because of what I did and so, but I was lonely, I had always been lonely, she, and my family fill that gap. And that gap is more important to me than anything, because I wouldn't be happy with out them either gender or reality or anything.

I'm not going to rush into anything, that was never my plan, the whole process takes so long anyways.
If ok, I would also like to keep posting on this thread, and if anyone is around who wants to chat and swap advice or even just ask my advice, please feel free, it would be a gift to be able to offer help.

eddielizzard Sun 03-May-15 08:05:04

i don't know anything about this, so please bear that in mind and take this with a pinch of salt. you said 'in the mean time I shall just keep it secret and away from the kids.' think about this. it seems like you're just putting it all off for another year. and then it becomes about the process of hrt and presumably a couple of operations (see? clueless.) so it's sort of like an event that is going to happen and bam! you're a woman. are you planning on living as a man right up to the last moment?

it may be good idea to slowly start introducing yourself gently to the kids. not in a 'hey i'm not who you think i am way' but perhaps start wearing more feminine clothes around the house. just baby steps and what you feel comfortable with. so that by the time you start the process of hrt and all that comes after there is no secret and no drama.

if there are opportunities to say something about it to your kids then grab it. as you say, you teach them honesty and empathy and love, allow them the chance to show you what they've learnt. if you carry on hiding it they may feel you've lied to them all this time. so i think the sooner the better.

what's most important is that your relationship with your dw is strong and your kids feel loved. that will provide the basis for your transition.

what are you worried about the most?

Dowser Sun 03-May-15 08:52:34

I do feel for you. It's like you've found the holy grail ( wife and kids) and then you feel like you are about to chuck it all away and give yourself a thrashing at the same time.

I would suggest speaking to a professional counsellor. One well versed in the path you are about to embark on and also see if there is a group where you can attend regular meetings.

This is all about feelings and emotions isn't it. You want to make the right choices for them and you.

Look at Bruce Jenner. You couldn't get more high profile than him and his family but he did it and hopefully he's coming out on the other side so it is doable.

I think you've got to walk your own path. If you don't as much as you try to keep a lid on it it's going to start creeping out . It's started now. Maybe because you feel the time is right. You are in a supportive relationship and I can understand you don't want to lose that which is why you need the professional help of someone to hold your hand while you make the changes.

Kris1975 Sun 03-May-15 17:02:34

Hi Dowser and Eddie,

My only worrie is my kids and some how causing problems for them. This post has really helped me and I feel a lot better about everything now.

Thanks guys xox

Eddie, yes you sort of get the just of my plan and it's not the best I know. There is one thing you miss, and that is it isn't about how other people see me, it's about how I see myself. What is female and what is male? It's more about alignment. I'm a housekeeper, me and my partner have swapped roles totally. I don't have many friends, I just had business friends and now I'm not even doing that I am just happy to look after my nest and children. I've found a inner peace, I discovered I have my grans ironing skills and I'm not a bad cook after all. (I think I am a better mum than mum, (don't tell her that))... The highlight of my weekend, I bought a h2o cleaner, and it's brilliant.

I am defiantly going to go and see my doctor to arrange counselling of some sort. I made a appointment for Tuesday already so I am going to drop it in the conversation and just take it from there.

Dowser, Bruce Jenner is great, when I heard about it I was very impressed and .. At the same time very gelious. He is in the perfect position, a Kardashian wardrobe at hand! Fashion advice on tap, makeup.. I can't understand why he didn't do it years ago! I can in a way as we all have reason, I'd love to have a chat with him, I bet we would have a lot in common.

Defiantly love to go on a shopping trip with her, and a day out..she has a cool life.

Again, thanks for the advice. You've really helped me out and I have taken it on board.

Joshuajosephspork Sun 03-May-15 18:59:38

Hi Kris

gires may be able to help. I think they can put you in touch with people who have been in similar situations.

I think the best thing all round is honesty, they'll probably take it better than you fear and it sounds like you have your wife's full support, which is brill

Good luck

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