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can you ever go back?

(16 Posts)
shortcrust Sat 02-May-15 09:15:16

Hello everyone. Im looking for some advice please. It will be nearly 2 years since me and my husband seperated.we have 2 young children together. He told me he didnt love me anymore. He never cheated on me but he was texting another woman, firstly to try and get advice on our marriage but i think it became more emotional after time, they did eventually get together but it never lasted. I moved on and met someone else, pretty quickley really, but unbeknownst to me he was still seeing someone and i never really trusted him since finding that out. Me and this partner are very much on the rocks at the moment and to be honest i think i may walk away from him.

My husband admitted to me about a year ago that he had made a big mistake and he should have agreed to the counselling i asked for. He wanted us to try again, but i was in my relationship and still quite hurt. Plus i stopped finding my husband attractive. I cant imagine ever being intimate with him, but everything else about him is everything i want. He is a great dad and a great husband. He knows i dont find him attractive but he said it could come later this true.

I guess what im asking is should i go back?? We are best friends and the kids are happy when we're together. But its just the intimacy thing....

ALaughAMinute Sat 02-May-15 10:07:01

I wouldn't go back to him if he said he didn't love me and had been texting other women. You've already said you don't trust him and don't find him attractive, why would you want to go back?

Don't go back to him.

mommyof23kids Sat 02-May-15 10:12:04

You can learn to love or care for someone but I really believe you can't learn to be attracted to someone. You either want to fuck them or you don't. Been there did that. Would never do it again.

shortcrust Sat 02-May-15 10:20:11

I dont trust my current partnet. I trust my ex 110% i know he would never ever do anything. Yes he texted but i was pushing him away and had been for 3 years...he tried but think he felt alive again when he was getting this female attention. But i know for a fact he would nevr make that mistake again.

RandomMess Sat 02-May-15 10:26:06

There is no harm in "dating" again and then going to see a GOOD therapist together.

The things to be very careful of:
you do need to grow attracted to him again (which is possible)
that if it doesn't work out it's going to be very painful

My dh and I very very nearly split after several awful years. He finally asked to give him the chance to try again. I committed to 2 years to see where we ended up. One year on and it's better/happier than I imagined and though not perfect we are far more willing to change/do our best to accommodate each others needs.

He really had broken my heart and destroyed me through his emotional absence and I had been planning to leave 6 months before I told him so forgiveness and moving forward was far from easy.

shortcrust Sat 02-May-15 10:29:47

Thank you randomess for sharing your story. Im just really worried about confusing our children, they are 2 and 4

RandomMess Sat 02-May-15 10:47:43

That would be my concern too hence dating first and rekindling a relationship away from them before anything else!!!

You don't need to rush into anything.

AmyElliotDunne Sat 02-May-15 10:59:52

If you do try again, it needs to be done well away from the DCs so you don't confuse them and upset them if it doesn't work out.

Personally I think you've both just realised it would be easier to get back together than trying new relationships which may or may not work out.

However, if there's attraction, why not just stick with being good friends who co-parent, leaving yourself free to also find a partner who you do fancy? 2 years isn't that long for you to have got to grips with being single and to look for someone new if you want a partner.

AmyElliotDunne Sat 02-May-15 11:00:25

Sorry, if there's NO attraction.

TopOfTheCliff Sat 02-May-15 11:19:48

Sounds like you need some time to be on your own and work out what you want. You've taken a bit of a battering recently. Don't be in a rush to get together with a man just to avoid being single. It isn't so bad!

Finola1step Sat 02-May-15 11:24:29

I too think that you should be on your own for a while. Completely single so that you can work out what you want and not be swayed by what your ex wants or whether the attraction might come back.

Lailoo Sat 02-May-15 11:25:49

If there is no sexual attraction then you are being cruel to start a new relationship with him. Let him go and find another women who wants to rip his clothes off the minute she sees

mistymeanour Sat 02-May-15 11:32:41

Your Ex hurt you a lot, originally you felt emotionally safe with him but he betrayed this. In order to cope with the split you emotionally detached to protect yourself. In order to build intimacy and attraction again that feeling of " emotional safety" needs to be re- established and that can take time. The advice is usually to start with hand holding, gentle touches on the back, shoulder etc and build up from there

Old saying about problems in a relationship "Intimacy is the first thing to go and the last to come back"

Joysmum Sat 02-May-15 11:34:11

So let me get this straight:

He was with you but seeing somebody else or trying to get with somebody else.

Now he's with somebody else and he's doing exactly the same thing to her to try to get back with you?

Just how many times do you want him to cheat on people to show you he can't be trusted? confused

Lailoo Sat 02-May-15 11:43:43

How do you know for sure that he only text this woman when you were together?

Lailoo Sat 02-May-15 11:58:51

OP, why were you cold towards him for three years?

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