What is happening to my life?

[SomeoneHelpMe]

I have set up a mumsnet account just for tris purpose. Someone please give me a bit of perspective. Am I being silly and a total or drama queen or is this as terrible as it feels?

My husband, who I love so very very much, recently told me he doesn't love me. It is his 'go-to' line every time we argue. When he says it, I can see he means it. He doesn't talk to me anymore, doesn't want to do anything nice with me and is so incredibly distant. He used to be the nicest person I had ever met. Now he is nasty, sometimes quite cruel. He is selfish and self-centred. He barely notices I exist.

After reading a post on here about a woman not coping with her husband's affair, things started to seem ... similar. My husband recently changed all of his passwords on everything and encrypted his phone. He takes it everywhere with him. When I asked him why, he got angry and said that he was just being security conscious and that he would take everything off it - he said he has nothing to hide. I checked it when he was putting our daughter to bed. I know that I shouldn't have but I did. He has been logging into his work email account in the evenings and weekends. The password was already entered so I logged in and found that he clearly is having a ... something ... With a woman from work. He had a week off work at Easter and when he went back there are emails saying she missed him and him telling her that he was thinking about her. She writes things like 'thanks for listening earlier'. They arrange to meet in the kitchen at work and exchange playful/ flirty emails calling each other naughty and cheeky.

I haven't found anything else. He says that this woman brightens his day a bit but that there is nothing else.

But the way he acts makes me feel that there is something really wrong happening her. Without going into detail, something has changed intimately. He treats me like meat. I hate it but I let him because I don't want him to leave me for someone who will let him do these things.

I can't sort myself out. My head is pounding and I haven't slept in two days. I can't eat, can't drink. I can't stop crying. I feel devastated. I feel sad, sick and ashamed of myself.

Please, somebody tell me what the hell is happening. Is this normal? Am I overthinking things? How do I get on with life now?

[SomeoneHelpMe]

I regret posting this already. Please be honest if you think I am being stupid.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He is an awful man anyway to you, has told you he no longer loves you and one who has now further checked out of your relationship to have an emotional affair with a work colleague. His behaviour with the phone is classic as well. This may also become a physical affair if it has not already.

Please no longer do the "pick me" dance; its not helping you at all and is simply making you feel a thousand times worse. Do not let him treat you like a piece of meat!!. Get angry with him and tell him to leave. I would also seek legal advice asap re the property and separation.

Stop doing anything for him in terms of chores; just do the necessary for you and your DD. How old is she btw, she is likely picking up on all this as well. Be kind to yourself and eat little and often. Do read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Do you have supportive family and friends?. Talk to trusted people. Keep posting here too; others will be able to advise and help as well.

[cleanmyhouse]

"he treats me like meat. I hate it but i let him"

Get out! Now.

Please find enough self worth to leave him. He's nasty, cruel and says he doesn't love you.

[Tryharder]

I'm sorry.

It sounds if he's having an affair or contemplating it. But you know that.

You need to sit down and discuss what you both want to do.

Would he go to Relate with you?

[mommyof23kids]

Your husband is a cruel selfish man who if he isn't cheating soon will. No matter what you do from now on it will never be the same so choose the actions that will protect you, your child and your self respect.

[tribpot]

He treats me like meat. I hate it but I let him because I don't want him to leave me for someone who will let him do these things.

If you had a daughter, or a sister, and she told you that, how would you feel? Can you see how utterly dreadful that is?

This is not someone who loves or respects or cherishes you. You are wasting those emotions on someone who does not deserve them.

What do you want to happen now? Your last paragraph suggests that you want to find a way to endure the emotional and sexual abuse so that you can manage to stay married to this man. Is that genuinely what you want to get from this thread?

My advice is to value yourself more highly. You deserve to be treated well. On a more practical level, he may be preparing to leave you for this woman (he probably isn't, given he can have you at home no doubt running his life, and this woman for flirtation and god knows what elsewhere). Protect yourself and make sure you know what your financial position is. Do you have children?

[Unescorted]

No you are not being stupid. You have a genuine concern.

I am having a similar problem from the other side. One of my colleagues has become fixated and over stepped the mark recently. I am so angry with him, but can't do / say anything because it will give it a significance it doesn't deserve. Your post makes me understand that I will have to do something because it has wider implications than watching him squirm like a slug sprinkled with salt when we are in the same office. The thought that he may be treating his family like shit to justify his behaviour just makes me angrier.

I have also been on the recieving end of my dh's affair. From that experience all I can say from that is address the way he is treating you - you don't have to be treated like meat. It was at the point where I told him that the way he was behaving towards me was unacceptable when he realised the pain he was causing. I gave him a simple choice stay and buck up his ideas or leave. The road back has been long and hard.

[LaBette001]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

You deserve more from the person who you have invested your love and energy in. He is treating you very cruelly.

This will begin to affect your self esteem deeply and it might be hard for you to break the cycle. The less you feel you are worth the more cruelty you accept from him.

Sweetheart - You need to think about yourself, your own needs. You deserve more than this, what do you want to happen? How can you take steps to make that a reality?

X

[SomeoneHelpMe]

Thanks you so much for replying. I cried at the thought that I now have people to speak to about this. It means so much.

My daughter is fifteen months old. I know he loves her and he is a very good father to her. I so badly want her to have two loving parents in her life every day.

He used to be he nicest human being I had ever met and now he just seems to want to hurt me all the time.

I can't leave because I remember what he used to be like and I keep hoping that if I sit this it he will hange back again.

I thought about counselling but I am too embarrassed. I don't want to tell someone what happens between us. I know that I have lost my self respect and I hate myself for that.

He is the only man I have ever slept with and I don't know what is normal and what is not. Is this a phase? Will it pass?

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

When a person is thinking about having an affair they go through a period of devaluing their partner in order to give themselves permission to cheat. They may rewrite history, dwell on past grievances or focus on the things they do that upset them. They will emotionally disengage and provoke arguments. Much of this is unconscious. Doesn't matter what the reasoning is, it's awful, disrespectful and dishonest.

[SomeoneHelpMe]

Does anyone think that he will ever change back to how he was?

[Wombat22]

Without going into detail, something has changed intimately. He treats me like meat. I hate it but I let him because I don't want him to leave me for someone who will let him do these things.

This alone is horrific OP You do not have to put up with anything you don't want to do.

This alone would make me leave.

[SomeoneHelpMe]

I have no job (sahm) and no money.

[Wombat22]

I don't know how he used to be but -
If he forces you to do any act that you hate, then he has no love or respect for you.

You need to look after yourself and your DC

[Unescorted]

will he change back to how he was Not in my experience. That doesn't mean that you necessarily need to split up. In my experience we now both are more mindful of how our behaviour impacts on each other. The pain hasn't gone away, but I think we are both stronger from the experience. We don't treat our relationship as lightly now.

[parsnipbob]

Oh I am so sorry OP. IME it is possible to recover from infidelity but he would need the right attitude and it doesn't sound like he has that.

You need to put yourself first and not him. You deserve better

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He is not a good father to his child if he treats her own mother so badly. Decent men do not act like this man has done and continues to do; he is treating you with utter contempt.

Counselling for you would certainly help and you would need to go on your own.

This is not the relationship model you want to be teaching your child. You and he should not be together now, he is really bad for you and by turn your DD. He chose to conduct himself in such a manner, he likely felt entitled to do this as well.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Re money; what finances are there?. Is there a joint bank account?.

What is the position re housing, do you rent or is there a mortgage?.

[Jackieharris]

"Let him do these things"

That is a very alarming thing to say. I think you really need to talk to a professional either at women's aid or rape crisis to discuss further what you meant by this.

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

What makes you say he's a very good father? He's not valuing or respecting her mother, he is an emotional and possibly sexual abusive man, if she grows up with this relationship dynamic between her parents then it is likely to affect her own relationship choices when she is older as this will be her baseline normal.
I'm not meaning to be harsh, just straightforward. What specifically does he do that makes him a very good father?

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

What Attila said. You and your child deserve a thousand times better than this.

Your daughter would be devastated in years to come if you stayed with this arsehole for her.

Then she would go on and seek out similar relationships.

Get out and save you both. He is the one that has destroyed your family and you are the one who can save you and your daughter from any further abuse.

[Christinayangstwistedsister]

No he won't change back, someone isn't a " nice person" that can hurt and humiliate the person they are supposed to love

He is degrading you and it is only going to get worse

Please seek help. He is not a good father, good fathers do not hurt the child's mother, when will he turn on dd?

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

My father wasn't half as bad as this arsehole and I am so grateful my mum kicked him out when she did. Else I would have a million more awful memories instead of the handful of awful ones I have now.

[SomeoneHelpMe]

We have a joint bank account. I dont have any other bank accounts. I think I will set one up, just in case.

We rent. I have never lived alone and the thought scares me.

I am sorry to have alarmed anyone - I just want to clarify that he most definitely has not raped me - there is consent.

I don't want my daughter to see tre horrible relationship we have. But sometimes it is good. When we are together as a family, he treats me fine.

Sometimes he says he is leaving me (this morning). Sometimes he begs to stay (last night). I honestly wonder if her is having some sort of breakdown.

[LaBette001]

Although I completely agree with everyone who has posted on here to say his treatment of you is unaccceptable it sounds like you're looking for ways to try to address the situation.

So ... The first thing I guess you need to do is start communicating with him. While women on here are great as a sounding board, if you really want to change your relationship for the better you need to talk to each other. I think it's telling you said you'd be embarrassed to seek counselling. Are you generally embarrassed to talk about your feelings? because you'll need to overcome this in order to open up lines of communication.

It's so hard for couples after having a baby and your DD is still young so you're still deep IN that phase. If he used to be wonderful to you and has now changed could it be due to your relationship having changed? Are there little things you can both do to fix that - a night out together every so often etc.

Re the sex issue, you must let him know that you don't like what he is doing to you. There are some things in life that are non-negotiable, fundamental expectations about how we can be treated. Control over your own body is one of them.

Big hugs from me OP, keep posting