I am finding things so tough, I love my family but fear that I am fated to have a hard time'. (title edited by MNHQ)

[Livingtothefull]

I have a history of emotional issues. I attempted suicide years ago, my family were all very angry with me as a result (all I remember is their anger and frustration with me).

Over the years I sort of recovered though I took for granted, and accepted (still do, to this day) that I was on a step lower than everyone else. This nearly broke me at times but I survived it.

I met my now DH whom I loved and still love very much. I had DS who was 3 months premature with brain bleed, less than alb when he was born. He has severe disabilities & will always be highly dependent both physically & mentally.

I can't describe what an horrendous experience this was; coming to terms with his disability, nearly losing him several times, learning to deal day to day with his issues. To try to explain what it was like would be like describing on here the contents of a sewer. I have this feeling that I need to protect everyone else from the true hideousness of it.

I am scarred, marked for life. Ever since I have felt that everything in my life has to go wrong, it has to go to the bad because I am a marked, scarred person.

I have tried to carve out a career so can provide better for DS and us. I have tried to fight back; have got myself qualified in my field and got what work experience I can. It has been a difficult job market but have had a succession of interim/contract roles. I have been trying to get something more permanent but my work record has counted against me: 'Why have you had so many roles? You seemed to have moved around so much' - as if it was a choice?

I actually got a conditional job offer for a permanent role - was so happy! But now it seems that this role is going to fall through because there is an issue with a previous employer who supplied an unsatisfactory reference (posted elsewhere about this). I know that I am going to lose this job, because that is what happens to me. I have been left to worry about it over the bh weekend just to ensure that I suffer to the maximum. I expected to start a new job next week but have been advised that won't be happening now.

I talked to my GP a month ago…advised him that I was needing support as I thought I might be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. I have heard nothing….and what's more I won't as my GP is useless. I can't seek any treatment privately as I am unemployed.

I fear that I am a marked person and were it not for my DS and DH I would be better off dead. I have recently contemplate whether it would be better for me to be dead and what I would need to do to arrange that. I don't want to do desert DS, DH or my family though. I want to try to do the right thing. Sometimes that - that 'wanting to do the right thing regardless' is literally all there is.

[bigbumbrunette]

I'm so sorry for all you've been through. That sounds so inadequate, sorry, but I didn't want to read and not leave a reply.
Can you give Samaritans a call?www.samaritans.org/

[Livingtothefull]

Thanks for that bigbumbrunette, I can't call them now as DS & DH may overhear, but may try to call them tomorrow.

[TheoriginalLEM]

You need to tell a dr what you have written here. You sound like you are at breaking point. You must be exhausted.

please go back to your gp or another gp and tell them that you have been having suicidal thoughts. There is help out there and you deserve to get better.

[Honeymoonmummy]

Living. Please please please go to another gp on Tuesday. I have struggled with depression in the past and haven't been through anything like as much as you. You need help my lovely. Please also speak to your DH if you can, try to explain how you feel, show him this post if you need to.

[Honeymoonmummy]

Living. Please please please go to another gp on Tuesday. I have struggled with depression in the past and haven't been through anything like as much as you. You need help my lovely. Please also speak to your DH if you can, try to explain how you feel, show him this post if you need to.

[Hughfearnley]

Oh my goodness. You have been through a massive amount.
You most certainly are not "marked" you have had an awful time.
I don't really know what so say other than
You must go back to your (although actually preferably a different GP)
Keep a diary of your feelings
I would seriously recommend "headspace" app or online for just allowing yourself to "be".
With regard to self esteem, I had professional help by counselling and it was fantastic.
I hope this helps a little tonight. You sound like a very strong person to have posted. I wish I could help more.
Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Monday morning you need to think about changing GP. In the mean time is there sang support you can access to give you a bit of rest. I read your other thread. You are catastrophising. I do this. It will be shit because everything else is. Except it isn't really. You've kept your DS alive. You love him. You're slowly building a career and one break will change that.
If I were interviewing someone who was moving from temp to permanent then I wouldn't be put off. I've asked them why to see what they say but unless they gave a dubious reason I wouldn't hold it against them.

[Livingtothefull]

Thank you TheoriginalLEM, yes I am exhausted. I don't know why life has to be such a struggle or what we have done to deserve all this.

Last year I saw our GP re DS latest bout of surgery (he has had several); he was traumatised and took it all out on us as he was in so much pain. My poor DS called us every name under the sun. I asked GP to look into any psychological support/counselling for DS and he said he would do so.

To this day I have heard nothing. I followed up with him re supper for both DS & me and I have heard nothing and I know the GP won't get back to me as he never does. I know I am on my own with this.

[mammmamia]

I'm so sorry to read this and please don't think you need to suffer over the bh weekend.
Mumsnet is always here for support and distraction.
You are not marked, you have been through so much and yet still managed to achieve qualifications and employment. You need some support now. I have utmost respect for you.

[Livingtothefull]

Thank you all, it is so touching to read your messages of support. I will try next week to see what rl support is available….I feel fairly desperate at times but don't think I will do anything rash or irrevocable, want to be there for DS.

[springydaffs]

I have had thoughts like this when I am under what feels like unbearable strain.

Dear one. Be kind to yourself. If you heard of someone who felt like this, had these experiences, you'd feel compassion, yes? Then be compassionate to yourself xx

What stops me doing what you're considering is that I'd pass the pain onto the ppl left behind. But you can step off life while you're still living it - iyswim? Ie you can take a sabbatical from being, or trying to be, a functioning, successful human being without actually checking out...

You've had a rough, rough time - I'm so sorry. This is not a reflection on you - though it does sound like a reflection on your primary family tbf. Some people are useless at being even vaguely human and your family sound in that camp. Welcome to the toxic family clan - there are many of us in it.

You can get counselling when you are on a low income. Women's orgs offer low-cost counselling and many counsellors offer a sliding fee scale - look up BACP to see therapists in your area, research therapists on the list you like the look of, contact/call them, ask about reduced fees. Also I suspect orgs that support parents of SN children offer counselling support?

^^ this may sound too much hard work for you at the mo, I appreciate that. You sound so tired and beaten down - not surprising with all you've been through and are still going through. I'm so sorry you've had this crushing disappointment about the job - I agree, so unfair. But you don't deserve it, it isn't your lot! Your family may have drummed into you that you're a step lower than them but that's all their stuff, not yours - can you see that?

I'd like to hug you, wrap you up warm (hope that doesn't sound patronising though). You've had a rough time and very little of it has been your fault

[mommyof23kids]

I was suicidal and attempted once. It's a very dark place to be and i understand. I want to tell you the one thing i did that made the biggest difference to my life. I stopped bebelieving the lies i told myself. I am marked. Lie! Everyone would be better off without me. Lie! My life will always be bad. Lies all lies.

I realised i was no worse a person than anyone else on this planet. I was lying to myself. So every time those thoughts popped into my head i immediately replied with "that's a lie"

Your depression is feeding you lies. Fight back. Do whatever it takes, whoever you need to talk to, whatever medicine you need to take. Fight back.

[daisychain01]

Lovely sentiments from many people on here to support you, Living.

You sound an intelligent person with so much to offer the world and your family. X

[Livingtothefull]

Thanks so so much.

I am not sure if my family are toxic Springy, I remember their anger as being born out of frustration/bewilderment, that they couldn't get through to me/didn't understand why I was so distressed/didn't know how best to help me.

But yes here I am being understanding to them and empathising with their point of view. I need to ensure I extend that compassion to myself.

I find myself feeling guilty & upset about the job reference issue, as if I had done something wrong even though I haven't. I got really upset with the agent, was on the defensive even though I had nothing to be defensive about. Now I wish I hadn't reacted the way I did….another thing to feel guilty about!

It is as though guilt and 'being in the wrong' is my default mode. I will try to remind myself that it is false; sometimes though I need somebody else to snap me out of this!

I feel guilty even about posting here….as though I am burdening you & other posters unduly. I sound terribly negative and useless in my posts, in rl I am honestly not like this….I care for DS, job search, got a Masters qualification while working full time. I try really hard to be positive and not beaten down by circumstances - fight against the feeling that 'someone up there is out to get me' but at times like this I feel that I just can't fight any more, can't bear the fact that everything is such a struggle all the time with no respite in sight.

I feel I should have got out of this now & moved on with my life, on to better times. I don't expect a perfect life….one thing about having a disabled DC is that you know that things can never be perfect; however they can be wonderful. I don't expect to be problem-free but just want to have 'normal' problems that I can live with not insurmountable ones.

[Livingtothefull]

Thank you daisychain01…yes I dearly appreciate all the lovely posts here, am reading them all through carefully again.

I know my life is far from being all bad but it is though all the bad experiences confirm what I already 'know' (i.e. that I am marked, guilty etc), don't know how to get out of this.

[TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet]

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we are so pleased to read that you have been able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sorry for hijacking your thread livingtothefull ,as we said, we're so pleased to read that this thread has helped and we really hope things start to look up for you soon

[springydaffs]

Good post, Olivia.

Yes, I jumped to conclusions there, Living. I usually keep a close eye on not projecting my experiences onto others' but slipped up there - apologies. Indeed, your family may not be toxic - but they didn't handle that incident well nonetheless eh?

How are things today? I find that when I get a big knock I expect I'm going to wobble and not be myself for a short while - days/weeks, depending on the severity of the knock. I know not to take seriously my thoughts during that time, letting them crash about without taking much heed. I wait for things to settle down - they always do. Always.

Keep going, precious. You don't have to steer everything, a lot of things have their own momentum.

Nevertheless, I do hope you get a second shot at this job - if you have indeed lost the first shot?

[Livingtothefull]

Thanks for your post Olivia, I am very conscious that I don't want to ask or expect of posters more than they are able to spare. For that reason I have refrained from posting again while I have been really upset, it has been a difficult few days.

Thanks also for the links, I have found them helpful. As explained I don't want to put anyone in a situation that might be triggering to them, by describing what we and especially DS have been through. Part of the reason I consider myself as potentially 'marked for life' is because God (assuming s/he is there) has been so cruel to my innocent DS why would s/he be any kinder to me?

Thanks so much springy for your posts. No my dfamily did not handle things particularly well but I am so imperfect I find it hard to condemn them for the same. Yes I have taken a big knock, I haven't been myself for days but am trying to handle things better now.

I have since heard that the job offer has definitely been withdrawn…to be honest I don't feel as bad, I think the uncertainty was the worst but now at least I know what I have to deal with. Had a few misgivings about the job & organisation anyway so it may work out for the best…

I feel sorry for DH as he didn't sign up to this situation in which I am dependent on him. He supported me throughout my studies in the hope that I (& by extension we as a family) would have better financial security. So I feel I have let him down too.

Nothing to do though but just to carry on, love DS and DH, plod away with job search, and wait and hope for better times. Onward and upward…or kinda, sort of uppish.

I am a demoralised, teetering-on-the-verge-of-despair individual plodding through seemingly endless hard times, who nonetheless continues to put one foot in front of the other. At times (very long times in my case) I just continue to function, to do all the essentials and keep things ticking over in the hope that one day the hard times are over and life becomes a joy.

Nothing much is nice in my life right now (apart from my Dloved ones) and perseverance and hope are ALL I have got. Please wish me luck.

[Butterflywings168]

Oh honey. I am feeling similar atm. I don't know what to say but and unmumsnetty hugs to you.

[Dowser]

I don't know how to answer your post Living but I did want to say something.

I've been in a very dark place and I've climbed out of the pit with the love and support of those I've loved.

Life sometimes can be like wading through treacle. Thick, black and sticky and you feel like you are making no progress at all.

Then you wake up one day and it feels a bit brighter and less of a chore.

I don't always get it right. Some days are a struggle but it's just about putting one foot in front of another and meanwhile drawing comfort and strength from loved ones until you are on your feet again.

My family didn't understand me either. I've forgiven them for it. It was a long time ago.

It's baby steps isn't it Living but you know that already . You are a very intelligent human being and you have the concern of your DH who I'm sure just wants to see his wife happy and laughing again.

Sort of fake it till we make it. The joy will come back.

Nothing stays static forever. We haven't got to link our joy to life's events . We will always be doomed for a fall if we do that. It's about finding joy, peace and contentment with the little things.

But you know that already. So do I. I struggle with that everyday. I often wonder if I'm borderline bi- polar. I can be ' over...joyed' when something good is happening....only to come down with a crash when it's over. I then need to get myself to a midline of happiness if that makes sense.

I hope my early morning tired ramblings make sense. Here I am awake now when I should be sleeping.

I hope you have a calm, serene peaceful day

[ALaughAMinute]

Please, please don't give up. Talk to your GP and DH and explain your feelings. As someone who has suffered with depression in the past, I want to send you a big hug and positive thoughts.

I'm going to work now but I will be thinking about you. Please come back to us to let us know you have been to see your GP. There are people out there who will support you and understand. Don't give up. You may be in a dark place right now but life is worth living. X

[LesleyKnopeFan]

Please, please, please see another GP. You don't need to feel like this, you need support and help.

To you for what you are going though and massive kudos to you for dealing with what you have in recent times.

You are stronger than you think.

I am wondering if your family's reaction was just pure shock and that clouded their worry and upset?

Please keep coming on here, you'll find lots of people that understand how you are feeling/have felt and can offer advice or positive stories about getting the support you need.

You are not alone, am offering you a hand to hold.

[LesleyKnopeFan]

Great post Dowser.

[sakura]

What you went through with your son is unusually hard. It's not as though others have been through something similar and just cope better. Your way of describing it as being like describing a sewer and wanting to spare others from hearing it is one of the most moving lines I've ever read on a page. You are extremely articulate and clearly very bright and intelligent.

It's not just what happened to your son at birth. It's all the medical professionals you have to deal with, the appointments. The constant worry about how he will fare in the future. It would test anyone's sanity.

About your job: try to remember that everybody has setbacks, even those women who come across as confident.

One word of advice and it sounds strange and perhaps a little mercenary, but it's "Fake it until you make it". All those competent women you see, wel most of them are just putting on this front. And it works for them because unfortunately we live in a world that judges us by appearances not for who we are. So just fake a happy face in work. Others will slate me for this by saying you should deal with the underlying causes of your unhappiness, but at the end of the day how can you deal with something so tragic as what happened to your baby? That is something that stays with you forever. Your success in your work is clearly important to you, as it should be, so fake it until you make it is the best advice I can offer. That's what I do anyway.

[Livingtothefull]

Thank you all for your support. Dowser: yes I know the 'trying to run through treacle' feeling so well…..wanting to run but being forced to plod laboriously.

I was about to write that I have spent this morning 'fighting back' but it is so ingrained that life is a battle, why does it have to be like this?

I will rephrase though and say that I have been trying to use this morning constructively, rewriting my CV to be better presented and ensure that there is no chance it can be misconstrued again..I also sent CV through to another agent about potential role so fingers crossed.

It has helped me that yes DH has been supportive, I would worry that he might blame me for the job falling through but he just said 'it's just one of those things, don't get upset about it, they (prospective employer) sound like a nightmare anyway'. I feel guilty that I am not earning/contributing to the family, am trying to live on a shoestring but DH even said if I want anything, a treat etc to just let him know.

I suspect that you are right sakura, that others put on a front and are not as confident as they appear. I am not so good at doing that when feeling v fragile but have to try. And yes it is hard to cope with everything else going on when there is this huge worry about DS condition and future.

I have to go to DS neurologist appointment shortly (this is par for the course for us I'm afraid', will resume constructive, proactive courses of action later!