dont know what to do

[beautybeast]

Hi,

I am looking for advice or just other peoples experiences really. My and DH have been married nearly 4 yrs been together 9. I have had 2 miscarriages. since the last one our marriage hasnt been great. i have been pulling away more as i dont really know what i want. recently i saw fb mails from DH to one of his female friends. they were what i thought harmless he was saying how he missed her etc and could go see her (she has moved to other side of world) i saw messages to her last week and in them he says that he really likes her and wishes he had told her when she was here. he wishes he had more time to spend with her. now i did confront my DH about it and he said it was drink talk and in pushed it to the side for a few days as i was busy with work. he works away every 2 weeks so after he left and i had a day to myself i really thought about it and i got mad and upset. he was texting and calling me constant more so than usual. I have asked him to stop as i need time to think etc. he has apologised and said i am the one and he doesnt want to lose me. my problem is i dont miss him or trust him but i dont know if i can walk away. i know i can only make up my mind but im so confused. im due to see him in 2 weeks at my brothers. i dont have anyone to talk to or who has a similar experience. i just feel lost.

sorry for the rambling

thanks

[Smorgasboard]

2 weeks is not very long to make decisions about a 9 year relationship, take as long as you need. Regarding his female friend and timelines, when was she last 'over here'? At what point related to your relationship was he wanting to tell her he 'liked her'? This could be telling, unless we are talking long ago pre you and he's just being wistful of the past. Did you see what her response was to his declarations?

[beautybeast]

she was last here about oct i think. they only met last summer i think they worked together briefly. he even pin pointed the exact time he knew he liked her. she kind of said he should have said and that i wouldnt have really made a difference as she was leaving. she wasnt as forthcoming in the responses just was saying thanks and aw babe. he told her this last week i saw the messages the day after he sent them.

thanks

[Smorgasboard]

Nothing physical has happened, however he was asking to go and see her. It could be a reaction to your pulling away, still a wrong turn on his part. If he was not happy, the onus is on him to tell you rather than switching interest to someone else. Not a mature response from him. It's for you to decide if you would now always be left wondering what he is up to on the 2 weeks he is away with work, if it is a regular thing he has to do. Whenever there are tough times in life, you need to know you have someone who will stick by you rather than look to another's arms. See how you feel after 2 weeks of minimum contact, then if you need longer, tell him so and have him live elsewhere for however long it takes. You will come up with an answer in time, how he responds in the meantime and how remorseful he is may help you decide.

[Quitelikely]

If he is otherwise a great guy and there is no history of cheating then I would take this as a sign that your miscarriages and all the emotional effects could have taken their toll on your relationship.

What is worrying though is that at times when your in need he looks elsewhere.

What I would do in your shoes is take a relationship break for one month to get your thoughts together.

[beautybeast]

thank you. i feel i need to rush to make a decision as i feel bad but he messed up. we have been going through a tough time but he never admitted it until i spoke to him the other day. he used to message her all the time when he had been drinking saying he missed her and he would need to ditch the wife. but i fobbed it off as a joke and never said anything. he wouldnt do anything at work as he works next to my brother and it would get back to him. DH did say it was attention seeking but as i said to him i would and have never said anything like that to my male friends.

[beautybeast]

thanks. hes an ok guy. hes been getting on my nerves alot recently due to lack of help around the house etc. i forgot to mention i found him on tinder! i popped on to show a friend who is single and there he was. i asked him and he said it was because i was on it. now i never liked anyone basically went on showed a friend and deleted it. he said he liked everyone!! the app has been on his phone until i confronted him about the emails. so i dont know what to think anymore. he takes his phone everywhere even to the loo!!

[Smorgasboard]

Oh dear! I think that the girl on the other side of the world could be the least of your worries. How can you trust him being away for 2 weeks at a time when he's on a dating web site while married to you? Can your brother verify that he's behaving on trips away as he works close to him?

[Smorgasboard]

I have to say that what is apparent and right in clear view is a man who has no respect for you. Perhaps some counselling for yourself would help. It's obvious you have a self esteem problem as you have put up with lots more than most would. Respect yourself more. Increase your boundaries - basically by leaving this relationship ( you forgot he was on tinder! Are you for real?)There is no point in clinging on to someone who does not like you very much. If you don't like yourself, others are not going to either. Come to think of it this all sounds too familiar? Posted before just a little? Nothing changed since? Things don't change if you get as far as complaining on MN only.

[adora1]

He's on a dating website and is avidly pursuing another female - he has no respect for you OP, you can't trust him at all, god knows what he is getting up to, secrecy over his phone is another sign.

[beautybeast]

thanks everyone. i am going to take some time to think it all through and then discuss the himself. i have never posted on MN before. thanks