Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Really down about bils behaviour and sil comment. Do I need to tough up?(25 Posts)
Longish so apologies...
My DH's brother is a pain. He has lived with us several times during our marriage, due to not paying his mortgage, rent, debt collectors, unemployment... You get the idea. I had to put my foot down last year when he was smoking weed on our patio while I was pregnant. Lost my temper and he left.
So now he lives near by but pops back now and then to borrow money off my DH (well us really). He deludes himself he pays it back, but he doesn't usually. We also get his debt letters as he can't use his own address, this has resulted in bailiffs before. I've asked numerous times for him not to use our address, he says he doesn't....
Anyway we're going to visit DH's family this weekend and for some reason we're expected to give bil a lift (he is a drinker and drug taker, very unpredictable if he'll be sober) I got a bit irritated at this, demanded he should be sober or couldn't come and told sil this. She responded saying he has been sober for over a month (doubtful, he lies a lot, even to himself). I said I wasn't happy about the letters etc, having to prove he doesn't live here and I got 'Must be taxing when you're at home all day with LO'.
Am I being ridiculous to be upset? I have done SO much for bil over the years and he feels like I'm the baddy and tells his family this. I'm so angry, but it has made me feel so crap. I try really hard, she doesn't realise with a 6mo I don't just sit round watching tele and we are rarely in the house!
LO had a bad start too in NICU and I am quite an anxious Mum. I always feel judged and now I'm dreading this visit. I even dreamed they took her off me last night.
(Just as a side note I'm handling the anxiety with DH and support, so it usually doesn't rear it head anymore).
If anyone has made it this far please tell me I'm not being unreasonable.
Just to clarify SIL was not being sympathetic.
Does your SIL have kids? If so then she is even more of a twat than she currently sounds.
You are SOOOO NBU.
Big hugs xxx
I take it that SIL is your DH's sister, not BIL's wife?
Not that it matters - if you don't want someone else's post at your house, you shouldn't have to put up with it. She's trying to make you look UR by mocking the fact that you're annoyed, when a reasonable person in her position would respect your opinion.
BIL sounds shit and I would have lost respect for her due to her cattiness too.
I am assuming SIL is the BIL's wife. Regarding her comments, I think you have to bear in mind that she is totally burying her head in the sand and trying to convince herself that BIL is a "good man" who "just makes bad choices occasionally but look he's sober now!"
Regarding BIL, I would tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and next time a bailiff turns up you'll be passing on his current address.
My dad had similar situation of being responsible for his brother - he worked for him, always 'loaning' money etc. When my dad was ill, he didn't see his brother for dust, didn't contact him for nearly a year and only resurfaced when my dad was better. Still the situation carried on and it was only when my dad refused to 'lend' him money one day and his brother massively kicked off that it stopped. They were in their late 50s/early 60s by then so it went on for years. The situation really pissed off dm and also myself and my siblings who were always expected to 'stand on our own 2 feet'. DF was supportive but he wouldn't have put up with this crap from us.
Sort it out now, rather than when you are grandparents. You don't mention your husband much, what does he think?
Your SIL, btw, sounds keen for your DH to continue as BIL 'carer' so she doesn't have to get involved. Wait til the bailiffs are knocking on her door..
Thanks for the replies. I feel less like I'm being the drama now.
SIL is also DH's sister, not the BIL's wife.
DH was shocked at her comment, but he wants to keep peace. He said we didn't have to go this weekend. He went ballistic at BIL once, but as pp has said he feels responsible for him (as nobody else is, their parents retired abroad, but to be fair their kids are all 30+). If I'm honest DH is just really nice and placid (a little too much so) so doesn't want to rock the boat. I am a bit hurt by that though, my family would never speak to him like that and if they did I certainty wouldn't stand for it.
SIL has no children, so I think she perhaps imagines we sit and play pattacakes all day.
What has your DH got to say about this whole issue that has gone onto affect his own family unit so badly?.
Would not visit DHs family at the weekend, let alone giving BIL a lift there too. That will just further enable this sorry situation.
This SIL should be given short shrift by you two as well. She is just as bad as the BIL you write about really.
It is time though for you and your DH to stop enabling his brother because what you have tried here simply has not worked. Why has this man been tolerated at all, let alone this man being lent money that is not repaid?. You should both now say no more and stick to this.
Who appointed the bailiffs initially?. Have you told the courts in writing that your BIL no longer resides at your address?.
This man is treating you as a pair of soft hearted mugs and you are seeing the consequences. Your DH in particular needs to start saying no and putting his own family unit first now.
"but he wants to keep peace"
The cost of keeping such a peace is too high and what he has tried has not worked.
Your DH likely feels very responsible still for his wayward brother and to an extent his nasty sister as well (he is probably the most sorted of all his siblings). He is therefore part of the problem here.
I should think anyone who genuinely didn't have anything much to do with their time would still be a bit miffed at having to fend off someone else's bailiffs! What an absolute cheek.
I wouldn't go. Bad stomach, terrible shits the lot - so has your dc so unfortunatly you will have to give it a miss
1. Don't go to party
2. Tell SIL that yes, actually, you are very busy with LO but since she doesn't thin it's a big deal to deal with bailiffs for someone else (WTF?) you will pass on HER address the next time they call round.
You and your DH seem to be keeping the peace by being doormats for arse holes and arse holes behaviour.
Give any debt letters his new address/phone number from now on and stop doing/lending someone who is completely unappreciating.
You and your core family are one important.
Your SIL thinks you are being unreasonable not to want to spend your time repelling bailiff's heavies for your dysfunctional, druggie BIL's debts?
Screw that for a game of soldiers.
Quite apart from anything else, him using your address is likely to have a potentially major impact on your credit rating. You need to get him to stop using it.
It is quite amazing how much shit a sibling can deliver to an in-law, while all the other siblings manage to see the in-law as unreasonable/horrible/over-sensitive. I speak from
bitter personal experience. I am sure your SIL wants to see the best of her brother, but to do that she has to make you into an evil cow. That's how it works.
Now is the time for you and your DH to stop lending your BIL money, refuse to let him use your address, and present a united front. He is taking advantage of you both.
Thanks so much everyone, only just got back to Mumsnet!
Eminado it did cross my mind as we don't have bil address, otherwise I would happily give it. He won't tell us as it wouldn't be fair on his housemate....
Attila that hits the nail on the head, he's the only one without money/drink/drug woes, amongst other things.
I had a proper chat with DH, no more lending, no more being friendly (for piss taking), he's going to talk to his sister regarding bil and the delightful message and he is letting his family know what we are doing if they want to come join us and play nicely then they're welcome. Bil is not coming with us either.
I think, judging from our conversation, he is embarassed by it all. Nobody wants to tell off people 30+ really. If it was my siblings I would be pretty mortified, but as an in law I always felt (until now) that I have to go with all this shit.
I really appreciate the replies. We have been being doormats. No more! Not having DD think this is acceptable family behaviour and people can treat her this way.
I feel really aggressive thinking about it all now (in a healthy way I think...). Bunch of twats.
we don't have bil address, otherwise I would happily give it. He won't tell us as it wouldn't be fair on his housemate....
In that case I'd definitely agree to pick him up at the weekend purely so you can find out and dob him in, the little shite.
I could have wrote your original post a few months ago. Nearly a mirror image without the bailiffs.
The only thing that has majorly changed is that DH has gone NC with his brother after getting evicted again last week and turning up on our door etc etc (that's a whole other story right there)
Your DH needs to put his foot down with his DB. No more money, no favours and no expecting him and you to pick up the pieces.
I agree with a pp, pick up your BIL and find out exactly where the fucker lives
I have once seem him and tried to follow. I was in car and he was on foot though, so no luck. I felt like I was going mad at the time.
Just to add a bit more fuel he lives in a council house and pays rent to someone who gets the house for free (well housing benefit)
Is it ok to ask DH to go NC? Or perhaps just suggest it?
We're (hopefully) buying and moving soon and I would hate to have this all over again. It would be best to NC now really.
Does your DH generally have a good relationship with his brother? (Forgetting all the money, bailiffs and other issues)
You could suggest it to him. I took a big gamble and told DH it was me and DD or his
shit head brother. He chose the former.
If your buying you could not mention to your BIL where your moving, if he's asks just vague reference to somewhere local or whatnot.
it wouldn't be fair on his housemate....
Er, it wouldn't be fair to his housemate if the bailiffs turned up at the house where the debtor actually lived?
Honestly, I would be telling all debt collection agencies to use the SIL's address in future. Since it's no bother to have to deal with all this.
Your DH has a lot of learned behaviour to overcome here. I hope he realises how difficult it will be.
You're being totally reasonable. Glad your husband is backing you up, what you're asking is totally right and fair, ie not to be played for utter mugs and used.
As for your SIL if she can't be civil then distance yourself quietly.
I really like Eminado's idea - just tell the bailiffs BIL now lives with SIL and let her deal with it all.
Join the discussion
Please login first.