My husband won't have a second baby with me unless I lose weight

[wondering9susan]

I gained a total of 65 pounds during my first pregnancy. Over the past two years, since our son was born, I have lost most of that weight, but I still have another 20 pounds to lose to get back to the weight I was when my husband and I first met (180 pounds, at 5'9). My husband was excited about having a second child with me for a long time, and we had a planned pregnancy last summer, but I had a miscarriage several weeks into the pregnancy. Since then, my husband has told me he won't even talk to me about having a second child until I lose some unspecified amount of weight (he won't tell me how much when I ask) and work out more consistently.

I lost 8 pounds in a month and a half recently, and was working out up to 6 times a week (aiming to burn 500+ calories a day exercising) while nursing our toddler. Then I blacked out on the side of the freeway. No one was hurt, but it was a scary experience. When I called to tell my husband what happened, he said it probably happened because I had gained so much weight during the pregnancy. A cardiologist told me I was probably chronically dehydrated, even though I was trying to take in adequate fluids. I have been taking it easy since then but am hoping to get back into dieting and working out most days of the week again soon.

I asked my husband tonight if he still wanted a second child, and he reiterated his ultimatum about not being willing to talk to me about it at all until I lose weight, workout more, etc. I'm in my late thirties, and he is in his early thirties. I have asked him, "What if I don't lose enough weight fast enough for us to be able to have a second child?", and he has basically said that is not his concern. At one point a few months ago he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to have a second baby with someone as "old" and "fat" as me. He apologized, but that has really stuck with me.

I know I need to lose weight, and want to regardless of his ultimatum, but something just doesn't sit right with me about the fact that he won't even talk with me about having a second child, or even tell me how much weight I will need to lose for us to have that conversation. Any advice?

[Weebirdie]

He's awful, and getting rid of him would amount to one massive weight loss without having to go to the gym.

But that said - there is more to what is going on in your life and I think you are spot on when you say something isnt sitting right - because its not.

[Nolim]

At one point a few months ago he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to have a second baby with someone as "old" and "fat" as me.

Seriously????

[GratefulHead]

Yep.....the weight you need to lose is your husband, how dare he blackmail you like this. Your weight sounds fine but he sounds like a dinosaur in his outlook.

[StrawberryMojito]

He sounds awful. Even if you did lose the weight, you would put it on again in pregnancy and by the sounds of it he would be vile to you all over again.

You and your self esteem do not need him. You may have to give up your dream of a second child but I think you would be happier without him.

If you need to lose weight, do it for your health and do it for you. Don't do it so he will stop insulting you.

[NoArmaniNoPunani]

Lose 11 stone instantly, kick the bastard out

[pushmepullyou]

I think the weight you need to lose is about 12 stone of arsehole husband.

Sorry, that sounds flippant but how dare he - what a complete bastard. I can't see how he is doing this to be anything other than intentionally cruel. You don't treat people you love like this.

[Catsahoy]

Tell him he's an ugly dick. (On the inside, where it bloody counts)

You lost 45 pounds, that's great and not an easy achievement. I think he is masking another issue. You need to have it out with him. Get to the bottom of his issue.

for you.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Well he's a horrible person isn't he! Is he horrible about other things too?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I was wondering if he is as controlling in other areas of your life as well. My guess is that he is.

He is awful to you OP: he really needs to be gone from your day to day life before you get even further dragged down by him and his unreasonable demands of you. Losing this deadweight of a man around your neck is actually the weight you need to lose.

[tallwivglasses]

He's a controlling bully. He doesn't want a second child. I'd be hard pushed to believe this was the only thing that makes you unhappy in this relationship.

[tribpot]

Can you imagine saying the same thing to him? If not, why not?

[DustBunnyFarmer]

The thing that jumped out to me among the many cruelties in his approach it that you were pregnant fairly recently with a second child and suffered a loss, which must have been devastating. First up, it is utterly cruel to now be putting so many conditions around a further pregnancy. Second, what changed in between? Is there any chance his cruelty stems from him having an affair. Or has he always behaved in an emotionally abusive way like this?

[StayGoldPonyBoy]

Why do you want another baby with someone so horrible? What if one of your DCs puts weight on during puberty, will they be forced to push themselves to lose til they pass out, too? He can't be a good dad if he is so disrespectful to the mother of his children, what does that teach them?

I had a friend who's abusive partner refused to marry her until she lost an unspecified amount of weight because he didn't want a disgusting, fat wife. She'd only gained a stone since meeting him and was nowhere near fat, but developed anorexia and body dysmorphia in an attempt to make him love her. He was a complete bully and it took 4 years and a hospital stay for her to realise she had to get rid of him for her own good.

You've done amazingly well in your weight loss, but you should be doing it for you and not for the bully you've got sitting at home.

[WanderingTrolley1]

What a horrid specimen he is!

I'm sorry for your loss.

[sleepwhenidie]

Think about this logically - either this is an excuse for just not wanting another baby, in which case he is a coward for not telling you the truth, or...he is a controlling bully. Say you do lose weight and get pg, what will he blackmail you with to lose weight again after that (because after all, you will be heavier again), will he then threaten to leave you and the DC's? Vile.

[Ouchbloodyouch]

What everyone else said he is an abusive dick and you deserve better.

[dragonfly007]

Your husband is right for not giving you a second child..... but not for the reasons given.

You do not need to bring a second child into this family, you need to be thinking about creating a happy family life for your existing child and that might involve creating a new life without your husband

Good luck x

[CaptainZoot]

Oh Susan. I really feel for you, I once had an awful ex who called me fat (I wasn't). He used to buy the clothes he wanted me to wear as a 'gift' and act all hurt if I wanted to wear something else. The problem with people like this is however much they purport to love you they will never be satisfied with you the way you are. Even if you lose weight and dress the way they like and fuck them exactly the way they like it will never ever be good enough and the problem is not with you.

The problem is with them. They do not and will never think you are good enough.

I find it a bit disturbing that he is dangling the carrot of a second child in front of you in order to get you to do something about your appearance which will please him.

Ask yourself, do you really want to have another child with a man who doesn't lI've you thr way you are? Making a baby isn't a 'prize' or a 'reward' for good behaviour.

You are better than this tosspot Susan.

[diddl]

Get rid!

What a horribly abusive man.

Please don't have another child with him.

[firesidechat]

My guess is the weight is irrelevant. He doesn't want another child (At one point a few months ago he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to have a second baby with someone as "old" and "fat" as me.) and has given you what he sees as an unachievable goal (loss weight) and has set you up to fail.

He doesn't sound very nice.

[firesidechat]

At one point a few months ago he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to have a second baby with someone as "old" and "fat" as me.

Sorry, bold fail.

[firesidechat]

lose not loss.

Too early for me evidently.

[TheVermiciousKnid]

Tell him you won't consider having a second baby with him until he stops being such a cruel, nasty bastard.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Why would you want a baby with this nasty man!

[Isetan]

This is not about your weight but rather about your H having a stick to beat you with and the reason the supposed weightloss goal is unspecified, is so that you never reach it and therefore removing the inconvenience of your H having to find another stick. His behaviour is cruel and inexcusable and you and your child deserve better.

Given his cruelty, this isn't a man you want to be having a second child with.

Stand up to this bully.