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How do you improve communication with a man who just doesn't like doing it?

(5 Posts)
spongysponge Wed 29-Apr-15 17:32:47

My husband is a good person, but the thought of spending the rest of my life with someone who is so uncommunicative frightens me. I only realised how much the lack of communication bothers me fairly recently. I didn't realise he was like this at first, we were friends for quite some time before we were a couple and helped me through a bad breakup, was supportive to me when I was suffering with depression etc. I no longer get that level of support or discussion, really! Everything's ok until there's a problem. I mean, he's not the most talkative man in the world, but that's ok. We talk, have a laugh, get along as normal. But If something goes wrong, he just will not discuss it with me. I have to work out that there is a problem from his stroppy behaviour. And it takes days of wheedling and pushing him for him to finally decide to talk to me about what's bothering him. I do not like to sweep things under the carpet, as soon as there's an issue I'd like to have it dealt with because I don't see any point and normally assume that people are unaware of a problem and will want to work with me and compromise to sort it out. Getting anything out of him is like getting blood from a stone. In the past, when this has happened, he has finally talked to me and we've discussed what plans we can make to overcome this problem etc, and he's admitted that he should've just talked to me in the first plAce, but it never changes.

I'd really like a time where we can just discuss things, say a weekly time or something, because his hours are all over the place and we never get any regular time together. It also means that we'd be able to discuss what we're going to do about meals and plan out our week a bit better. I'm worried about even broaching this with him because I know exactly how he'll react.

An example of his lack of communication is that I'm currently fourteen weeks pregnant and he hasn't told his dad yet. Everyone else knows and I've explained to him that he will be very hurt if he hears it from somebody else, but he still just hasn't done it. Every time I bring it up I am met with silence or jokey changing of the subject. He has a strained relationship with his dad, but neither of them have ever discussed this or dealt with it. His dad pops in on us a few times a year and they are so similar, it's scary. I sit there making conversation with his dad while he sits there in silence and his dad acts As though everything is fine.

How can I explain that this is extremely important to me and to the health of our relationship?? I fear that having a baby is only going to make this situation worse and resentment is going to creep in. I just want to feel able to honestly talk about things without being met with silence, which is what sometimes happens. He point blank refuses to engage with me and carries on as though everything's fine.

spongysponge Wed 29-Apr-15 17:35:05

It's not done to be horrible either, he just can't bring himself to talk about things. I see his mouth moving for quite some time before he will finally utter something. I have to give him to e to build up to actually making words and it's exhausting.

ImperialBlether Wed 29-Apr-15 17:36:18

God. And you didn't realise this before you got pregnant? Has he suddenly become much worse?

I'd deal with your FIL by telling your husband either you phone him or he phones him tonight. And mean it. If he hasn't called him by, say, 8.30 pm, then you will.

pocketsaviour Wed 29-Apr-15 17:39:50

I have to work out that there is a problem from his stroppy behaviour. And it takes days of wheedling and pushing him for him to finally decide to talk to me about what's bothering him.

Oh dear. I had a relationship with a passive-aggressive sulky man-child once, and I used to do this ridiculous "oh please tell me what's wrong" dance until he finally decided I'd been punished enough.

In the end I just started saying "Do you want to tell me why you're being a stupid pathetic childish cunt, or shall I just fuck off out and enjoy myself?" It didn't last long after that...

Isetan Fri 01-May-15 14:15:26

You've come out of a dark place and are now pregnant, your needs and the dynamics of your relationship have changed and you've just realised that he isn't meeting an important need.

The situation you describe between him and his dad sounds painfully sad but I'd refrain from going in with your size nines because it isn't your relationship to manage.

As natural as talking things through are to me and you, it obviously isn't to him and ultimately he will only change if and when he's ready. You are of course entitled to say you want different but he is under no obligation to be different, hopefully with professional support you can both reach a compromise.

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