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another baby? would it be madness?

(60 Posts)
rojboj Wed 29-Apr-15 08:46:56

How do you know?

Been with DP just over a year. Planning to move in together shortly. Both have DC of our own already.

We have a great relationship. Talk all the time about everything and anything. No real arguments because we don't have anything to argue about. Financially we're both pretty comfortable. I own my own home subject to a small mortgage that I should pay off in the next 5 years.

We have a nice life. But I do keep thinking about babies. He's not averse to it at all, but as different attitudes to parenting was a major flashpoint between him and his ex, he's concerned it may cause arguments and stresses where there currently are none. Which is a fair point esp as my Ex and I also argued a lot over the DC.

Also none of our DC are babies, the age range is 7-17. We are not far off being able to leave even the youngest for short periods of 10 mins...DP thinks it will be hard to go back to the needy baby stage from that. Not to mention the sleepless nights!

Also it might be too late anyway, I'm in my 40s and most women in my family go through menopause in their late 40s. So I may already be perimenopausal by now.

Rationally I can see the reasons against...but part of me still yearns for one more baby. And I don't quite understand why. Especially asi feel if I was told it wasn't possible, I'd feel sad initially but it wouldn't seem the end of the world.

Rebecca2014 Wed 29-Apr-15 08:54:47

Hmm having a baby puts huge stress on the best of relationships. Considering your ages and the ages of your children, no I would not have another baby.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 29-Apr-15 08:59:38

How many children do you have between you?
Personally, I can't imagine anything worse than having a baby in my 40's
Just as I've got my life back it goes out the window again! No thanks.
But we are all different and want different things.
Do you have the room in the house? Enough seats in the car etc...?
How old is your DP? Will you both want to be dealing with a stroppy teenager when you are mid to late 50's?

WhoNickedMyName Wed 29-Apr-15 08:59:43

you've only been together a year and haven't even lived together yet.

yes, at this point you'd be mad to consider having a baby.

Quitelikely Wed 29-Apr-15 09:04:10

With all due respect knowing someone for a year is no time at all to judge how things would stand up with a baby.

Imo bringing babies into the mix unnecessarily is a massive risk. I would focus on the kids you already have whilst appreciating your lovely relationship.

It really is when the baby comes along that cracks start to show.

rojboj Wed 29-Apr-15 09:13:24

My DP was with his Ex 10 years before they had DC, so I dont necessarily think being together for a long time is any guarantee. That said I do accept a baby would strain our relationship.

He is 4 years younger than me,so still in his 30s. He wants to retire in 15 years, 20 max, so that's another factor for him against a baby.

I've worked ft since my eldest (17) was 6 months old, so I always think of myself as having had a life, plus my DC have been fairly independent from a young age.

We have 4 DC between us. With a little switching around, we could create 6 bedrooms (there are 5 currently) so each DC would have their own room. We plan to do that switching around anyway as part of our shift toward moving in together as one of the current bedrooms is v small, would be fine for a baby but all our DC have too much stuff. So yes, we have enough room in practical terms.

diddl Wed 29-Apr-15 09:18:57

I would say no.

Then again, having not been in the position, I don't really understand why people with a family want more kids with the new partner.

Blarblarblar Wed 29-Apr-15 09:22:18

Don't do it. Enjoy your time together enjoy your freedom and the kids you have. I'm nearly 40 just had our second DC with my DH of 10 years it's still tough let alone doing it with someone new when your still trying to not let your crazy out.

expatinscotland Wed 29-Apr-15 09:22:41

No. Why not enjoy what you have now?

DaisyBD Wed 29-Apr-15 09:36:04

I would say no. DH and I have five children between us but none shared. We met in our early 40s and probably if we could have had a baby we would have but I'm soooooooo glad that decision was taken away from us. It would be lovely to have a little one, of course, but I'm also really happy that in a few years we'll be free of all of them and we can do what we want and live wherever we want and take holidays in term time and generally enjoy our freedom together.

I had my children in my 20s. If we'd had another one in my early 40s, I would be nearly 60 when they were grown up. 40 years of my life looking after children! No thanks grin

Enjoy your time with your DP, enjoy your children and look forward to the freedom!

upaladderagain Wed 29-Apr-15 09:36:57

Hang on for another ten years or so and you could have grandchildren instead. Much more fun, and none of the responsibility or sleepless nights!

newstart15 Wed 29-Apr-15 09:43:44

I understand the desire to have a baby and I think its common when you approach your 40's however I think you dont know each other well enough yet.A baby would change the relationship dynamics such as you being at home, financially more responsible on him, extra financial burden, tiredness, acceptance of the other children and no time off as a couple.I went back to work with my oldest in my 20's and managed completely fine and my career flourished..I tried to do it again in my late 30's and a combination of my age, high maintenance baby, low level pnd and less reliable childcare made full-time work impossible.I had to rely on my husband for finances which changed my life dramatically and we nearly separated as I hadn't 'signed up' to this new mostly sahm life with limited finances.
My advice would be to consider the impact should you not be able to return to work fulltime, how vulnerable would you be relying on your partner? How would he feel if he had to support your children? Would he pay for their activities, uni costs etc if you could not earn? Or do you have enough savings to cope yourself? Wanting children is natural but it's best to assume your life will be changed in a way that your partners life won't be.That's the reality as we go through the pregnancy and birth so they impact ius greatest on us.

rojboj Wed 29-Apr-15 09:45:50

I'm not banking on grandchildren, or getting to spend lots if time with them. As I'll be the MIL (our DC are boys) I probably wouldn't get much of a look in anyway...I've read enough threads on here about that!

We have a nice life already, my DC have virtually finished their school life, so taking hols in term time is almost a reality anyway (my DPs DC are only with us every other weekend). I just feel somethings missing.

I don't necessarily think a baby would make our lives hugely better, they are pretty good anyway. I accept it might well make it worse, at least in the short term. But I just feel like I'm missing out somehow. My DC are out and about much of the time, or in their rooms. There's not much family time any more. Maybe that's what I miss?

newbieman1978 Wed 29-Apr-15 09:54:24

We've just had a baby, wife in early 40's and me in late 30's. We have my ds who is mid teens so we were getting towards the end of child rearing!

We must be mad going back to the start but for my wife to have her own child became increasingly important and I couldn't take that from her.

So here we are at the start of an 18 year contract and loving it. Yes we'll be getting on a bit by the time little one become big one but hey you gotta do something to fill your life!

newstart15 Wed 29-Apr-15 10:14:23

Yes I think its the family life aspect you miss, especially when your teens start to fly the nest by being very independent.It does get better as you do start to appreciate the different life you have but its a transition.I grieved when my eldest left for Uni despite feeling I had mentally prepared for it.Empty nest syndrome/final years if child rearing is very real.

I also think in your 40's the biological clock does sound loud as you know its the last chance - now or never stage but perhaps consider how life will be when you are not actively a parent? I am still coming to terms with it as I have loved being a parent and will even miss the school run!

NutellaOnCrumpets Wed 29-Apr-15 10:27:52

Have you had all the children you imagined/desired to have at the time of having them, if that makes sense?
If so, then it may just be looming empty-nest syndrome and the feeling your DC don't need you anymore and it's off getting used to not being needed.

Twinklestein Wed 29-Apr-15 11:27:44

If you haven't yet moved in together your next challenge is blending the families, that will take a lot of time and effort. There will be all kinds of issues with your respective children and step-parent roles, it will be harder than you think.

Personally I would say that you've got enough children between you and adding a tiny baby can only take your time away from the children you've got, and negatively impact your relationship with your partner.

To me, broodiness is simply a biologically programmed instinct to ensure the human race doesn't die out, I don't think it has any more meaning than that.

expatinscotland Wed 29-Apr-15 11:40:55

'There's not much family time any more. Maybe that's what I miss?'

Focus on couple time smile more, and the freedoms and fun it will be. A good friend of mine met her now husband when she was 43 and he was 47. They had both had children when they were young, although his was still a teen. Difference was that having a baby was not an option for either as she had had a hysterectomy for cancer treatment and he was also infertile from cancer treatment.

They have a wonderful life together, it's really something to admire. Such a lovely couple and they have had incredible experiences together (they are now in their 60s). They have a motorhome and have explored all over the UK.

They taught abroad for a couple of years, too, and have sponsored an older child who is now an adult through high school and uni. She is their daughter together in a lot of ways.

Sickoffrozen Wed 29-Apr-15 12:14:53

I wouldn't based on what you have said

rojboj Wed 29-Apr-15 12:52:17

I suppose I don't really know what a relationship without children is like. I never had any serious relationships before the birth of my oldest DC. Subsequent relationships then involved young children...it's been 7 years since I split up with younger DCs father. I always intended to have another child. I was in a relationship 6 years ago where we planned children, even down to names,but that feel apart and then I was single for many years til I met DP.

My parents died when I was still a student, so I don't have much to go on in terms of how families are when children grow up, leave home etc.

I dont want to jeopardize our relationship. But equally I don't want to spend years feeling sad about the child I didn't have.

MatildaTheCat Wed 29-Apr-15 13:12:11

You won't regret not having another child if you have really considered it and decided against mutually. I personally would be tempted but that's also a hugely hormonal response when you are in your early forties.

How would the existing dc react? His might be very unhappy....

I say this seriously but realise it might sound flippant...get a puppy together. When our dc were flying the nest we did and it's brought us together so much.he is our late baby. I know that might offend some people but he does really bring us together and although a tie we won't be having to pay his uni fees when we'd prefer to retire.smile

Joysmum Wed 29-Apr-15 13:22:55

You don't even know if you can live together successfully yet. I think you're jumping the gun here.

Twinklestein Wed 29-Apr-15 13:25:02

You haven't said how many children you have individually, let's assume you have 2 children each. When you wanted another baby you only had your own children to consider, surely inheriting his children fills the gap of another child?

How will you be able to build a meaningful step parent relationship with his children and indeed have time for your partner, if you have a small baby and other children of your own to consider, and you work full time?

Of particular concern is that your partner had parenting issues with his pp. You need to find out how your co-parenting works when you're cohabiting and he's parenting your children FT.

You're in danger of self-destructing a good thing before it's even got going OP. It's a drewm that could turn to a nightmare fast.

thegreylady Wed 29-Apr-15 13:25:40

It might not happen. I married dh when I was 44 and we'd have liked one 'our' baby as well as the 5 between us but I never got pregnant.
This was 26 years ago and I remember looking at the extra risk of a chromosomal disorder like DS and choosing names that would be easy for a child with sn to write!
It just wasn't to be but I am glad We took no precautions to stop it. Our 5 dc were 13, 15, 16, 17 and 17 at the time and they all said 'Go for it'!

MirandaWest Wed 29-Apr-15 13:30:55

I'm 39 and my DP is 43. We've recently moved in together having been together for 3 years. He has a 20 year old DS and I have DC who are 11 and 9.

Part of me would love to have a child with him (probably doesn't help that my sister had a baby in January grin) but I know that practically it would be difficult and I love our relationship the way it is. Doesn't stop me having pie in the sky thoughts though...

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