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Relationships

Have you ever come across a Sociopath / Psychopath?

453 replies

Bursarymum · 26/04/2015 09:25

I've been reading 'The Sociopath Next Door'. And it got me thinking. Psychopathic killers are rare but it seems those without any conscience are not so rare.

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ALaughAMinute · 26/04/2015 09:38

It's certainly a fascinating subject. Is it a good book?

I don't think there is any doubt that a lot of people have psychopathic traits or tenancies. I often refer to my late father as a 'successful psychopath' as he was very ruthless in business and would do absolutely anything to get what he wanted, even if it meant hurting someone's feelings. He also had lots of affairs and didn't seem to care that he was upsetting his family.

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ByTheSea · 26/04/2015 09:43

I am sure that DS2-18 (my stepson who I raised) is one. He ticks every single box. Confused

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Pantone363 · 26/04/2015 09:46

Yes. I worked with someone who was a diagnosed sociopath. She was totally normal (whatever normal is!). In her words she had 'learnt' normal responses and acted accordingly.

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CitySnicker · 26/04/2015 09:46

Have met a handful of narcissists.

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Joysmum · 26/04/2015 09:56

I'll be honest, I wouldn't know what sociopathic tendencies are Blush

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yourlovealoneisnotenough · 26/04/2015 10:02

My father has Antisocial Personality Disorder, among other things. I am quite certain my sister does too, although as far as I know she hasn't been diagnosed.

My father just has absolutely no empathy. He cannot relate to other people, he cannot understand other people's emotions at all. He can kind of fake it, and he'll seem to get very upset about relatively trivial things. I remember him crying when Ayrton Senna died. I also remember him shrugging and rolling his eyes when my DM told him she couldn't stay with him any longer. His faked emotion was all display and no depth.

My DH has only met him twice, and who is very objective and non-judgemental in general, said as soon as my father opened his mouth he knew there was something "off" with him. It's hard to describe, really.

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cozietoesie · 26/04/2015 10:08

Certainly have - and charming and attractive people they can be as well if all of their needs are being met. (After all, a response may be mechanical but it's not usually seen as that by other people.) In my own experience, they tend to make emotional mistakes though unless they have a ferocious memory and are pretty bright.

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Bursarymum · 26/04/2015 10:10

The one thing that really struck me was having had the experience of having to tell a grown man that he needed to try and understand how his actions might make someone else feel and he just stared at me blankly.

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Pantone363 · 26/04/2015 10:13

Yes agree about something being a bit "off". The woman I worked with was very normal but after a while you could see little glimpses of something not being quite right.
She was very very good at anticipating people's emotional responses to things and was always two steps ahead of the rest of us.

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cozietoesie · 26/04/2015 10:17

Well he might indeed. I've come across a sort of - how shall I put it - 'spectrum' of people like this and the ones at the far end of it just don't have that still small voice inside that enables them to empathise with others - no 'moral compass' as some people might describe it.

It's not perversity but rather a simple lack of something - as if they were blind to certain colours. They respond according to what's worked for them or others before so presenting them with a novel situation can faze them.

Did he like movies?

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Bursarymum · 26/04/2015 10:19

With the guy I was describing, he made me uneasy and yet I felt I wanted to please him. I've also come across a woman who was like this. She sent notes to her friend's child saying how awful her parents were. Very disturbing. They all do this stonewalling/silent treatment thing. Which I never knew what it was and now it makes perfect sense.

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Annarose2014 · 26/04/2015 10:21

I think the difference btw them is that psychopaths are guilt-free and can't feel close to anyone. They're very manipulative and very calculated and can have very successful careers. They mimic normal people and can have normal families without anyone guessing. You may never know you met one.

Whereas sociopaths are capable of forming some attachments and can feel guilt when they hurt someone. They aren't calculated and are often completely unable to hold down a job as they totally disregard normal social rules. They're pretty obviously fucked up and everyone can tell they're a mess, basically.

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JoanHickson · 26/04/2015 10:22

One diagnosed and I suspect others.

It's not surprising as there is a few in every 100 of the population.

Having affairs and being involved in positions of power and trust are natural behaviours associated with this personalit type.

You would have to have lived under a rock to never have met any.

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Bonsoir · 26/04/2015 10:23

Yes. A friend bred with one. Big, big mistake.

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SnakeyMcBadass · 26/04/2015 10:32

Not that I know of. Certainly not in close proximity for an extended period of time.

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Bursarymum · 26/04/2015 10:34

Well apparently they are incapable of bonding even with their children so the effects on them are pretty devastating :( thanks for explaining that AnnaRose.

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rumtumtugger · 26/04/2015 10:44

Yes, my mum. She's completely disinterested in me or my DCs. Doesn't have any friends. Fell out with her own mum and siblings for years. Got sacked from multiple jobs for reasons which were never ever her fault. Is very proud of the fact that she holds grudges. Lives alone.

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NightsOfGethsemane · 26/04/2015 10:48

Not in my everyday life no. Though I did work for a short time at a secure mental health unit so I've encountered a few psychopaths in a professional capacity.

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Madamecastafiore · 26/04/2015 11:15

My sister is a sociopath. I went NC with her years ago, can't deal with the drama and the blame.

Met a few psychopaths through old job. I wouldn't be surprised if a few go onto commit quite serious crimes in their lives. More girls than boys too.

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Perfectlypurple · 26/04/2015 11:20

Yes, a psychopath through work. Actually a nice guy when you are just speaking to him. I know what he has done though so he definitely isn't a nice guy.

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Higgle · 26/04/2015 11:21

Yes, charming, clever and very very funny. Excelled at his work because it involved dealing with wealthy people and their acceptance of him. Very open about his "love them and leave them" attitude to women, where he had infatuations but became bored very quickly. The big give away was no emotion or empathy at all, he would talk in the third person about some emotional or family realted things which indicated it was a learned response. Any suggestion about taking responsibility for his actions or the problems they created resulted in a YOLO response. He had masses of friends - great company but not someone to get too close to.

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Skiptonlass · 26/04/2015 12:11

Yes, I think I've met several over the course of my life and career. They always set my alarm bells off and I wonder how others find them magnetic and see nothing wrong in them

Case in point - housemate at uni. Male, medical student, God complex. Rich family. Had his girlfriend on slimming pills / sent her for a boob job etc so that she was 'perfect'. Made a move on me in a very businesslike fashion, as if it was somehow expected that every woman he met would submit (lots did, he was a serial cheat.) was absolutes amazed when I rebuffed him. I mean amazed. Like a toddler being told he could have a toy.

You can usually spot them. The professional ones are generally successful, have a coterie of hangers on and leave a trail of destruction in their wake. They have absolutely no empathy or concern for the consequences of their actions or for other people.

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YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 26/04/2015 12:22

Pretty sure my cousin is one.

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PterodactylTeaParty · 26/04/2015 12:28

Worked with someone who was, maybe not a sociopath, but definitely not right. Charismatic, professionally successful, but vindictive and destructive. Had a few devoted fans and a lot of people who loathed him.

He wrecked the life of his girlfriend in a huge and horrible way - she ended up suicidal in inpatient care - and then he was honestly puzzled that people were angry with him for it. Could not comprehend why he should care.

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BitterChocolate · 26/04/2015 13:09

I worked with a woman who was definitely a psychopath. She presented as a sweet, ditsy, charming person to me, probably because I was useful to her. What was 'off' about her was that she was completely convincing as this person who was very interested in the people around her, but other members of her team who worked with her most closely were openly wary of her, they liked to have communication with her by email rather than conversation so there was a written record. Her charm was actually an information gathering tool, personal and professional info was stored to be used to her advantage in the future. She sucked up to her director, she was very good at finding a weakness and using that to promote closeness, so when anything went wrong she could blame others and the director would be on her side. She operated best on a one-to-one basis and was excellent at dividing to conquer. She would drop little (untrue) comments into a conversation, what someone had said about someone else, that sort of thing.

She would meet adversity with a sort of sweet helplessness, but if that didn't work for her she was scarily and irrationally furious. I did analysis, and I remember a project that she was managing where she had messed up the dates, she came up to see me all quavery and scared and wanting her analysis earlier. In the past I had always done what I could to help her, but this time I wasn't actually getting the data in time, I can't do the analysis before I receive the data. She pleaded and pleaded, and refused to see logic. And then she went ballistic with me, it was scary. Fortunately I sit with a team and my boss asked her to leave. She left spitting nails. Ten mins later her director came storming in demanding to know why I had deliberately and callously made this woman sob by refusing to do my job.

The departments got reshuffled and she ended up with a very no-nonsense and efficient director (a friend of mine) who didn't respond to being buttered up and didn't have any emotional weaknesses to exploit. It all started to unravel quite fast for her then. When stuff went wrong there was a proper debrief to find the issues, so she couldn't just randomly blame others around her. She went to upper management claiming that her new director was bullying her. She took her spite out on junior team members. She took one very bright junior into a meeting room and told her that the director had asked her to have a word with the junior as the junior was being too uppity and speaking out of turn. It was completely untrue, said junior was fantastic at her job and was set for a fast-track and would probably be overtaking psychopath woman in seniority within a couple of years. The junior completely believed her and was desperately upset, but fortunately was brave enough to follow up with the director and so the whole deceit was revealed.

She left because her DH was moving to another country for his work, and after she'd gone loads of stories came out of the woodwork.

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