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Awful email from my DM

(363 Posts)
Toastandstrawberryjam Fri 24-Apr-15 10:27:13

I have posted on here a bit before about my marriage and DH moving out. (Can't link on phone - sorry). But basically after 20 years of EA I asked him to leave, divorce is now under way.

From the start my DM was incredibly unsupportive, her first reaction being that it would mess up the seating plan at a family party! Over the last few months she has gone from ignoring me, to telling me I'm overreacting and should have tried to make it work. I told her a few home truths about it all and we settled into a somewhat normal pattern of occasional emails where she just ignored the situation.

She hasn't seen or spoken with my DDs since this all happened.

Anyhow this morning she sends me an email. A long email. It tells me exactly what life on my own will be like. A full detailed awful explanation. The rundown house with no nice furniture. Awful neighbours. DDs going without everything. Never a hope of doing better for myself. Saying goodbye to all the nice things I have.

But not to worry! She has a solution. I need to let DH move back in. We should spend more time together. Have lots more sex. I should stop putting the children first and concentrate on him. It goes on and on and about how great that will be.

She knows that his behaviour was so bad my DDs don't even miss him. In fact they say to me regularly "please don't let daddy come back".

I don't know how to reply to her. I'm utterly broken by this. I never expected support from her, but this is absolutely vile.

Joyfulldeathsquad Fri 24-Apr-15 10:30:05


Don't reply - just delete it. And don't discuss your ex husbsnd with Her again - ever.

Well done you for getting you and your girls out of a shit situation. That's all you need to concentrate on cakebrew

StrongAsAnOx Fri 24-Apr-15 10:34:07

Don't let it break you. You sound like a strong person who has made a difficult decision. So, just ignore her email and carry on being the person you believe in. You don't need to respond. Just show her that you are made of strong stuff and get on with it.

Make one call a week to ask if SHE is ok and leave it at that.

Oh and very very best of luck on your new journey. You will have a brave new world in which you will be a shining example to your kids. smile

cailindana Fri 24-Apr-15 10:34:07

Time for no contact I think. Delete and then just cut her out. A person who honestly believes you should suffer abuse in exchange for money is warped and shouldn't be near you.

Auriga Fri 24-Apr-15 10:36:00

Agree, just delete. She has no idea & she's not listening to you. Did she put her husband before her children? My mother did and we are all still paying a heavy price, decades after his death, while she remains convinced she always did the right thing.

You've protected your children and you never have to justify anything to your mother ever again.

MajesticWhine Fri 24-Apr-15 10:36:06

Oh dear. It seems like she is just on another planet. She is unable to empathise with what you have been through. You don't have to reply right now, while you are probably in a bit of shock, but if/when you do I would keep it very brief and to the point. Explain that you are all much happier now, and it's for the best. And tell her you would really appreciate her support with this. End of. No need to get into a long discussion because that might encourage her to keep on with her arguments. You are obviously hurt by this, but it's possible that she just wants the best for you, and is of a very old-fashioned rigid mindset, where we must have a man to support us etc.

plantsitter Fri 24-Apr-15 10:36:38

Dear mum

your email had made me feel a hell of a lot better. I had been spending a lot of energy wondering how on earth I'd found myself in an abusive relationship that made me and dds feel like shit.

Your email has clarified that my marriage was just trying to emulate the abusive relationship I had with you, growing up. It's perfectly normal of me to try to repeat that pattern and now I'm just feeling brilliant that I am strong enough to break free, for myself and for dds. I suggest you read it through and see if it is a loving message for a mother to seems her daughter. (Hint: it isn't).

Anyway I'm free now. Well done me. Contact me when you want to apologise.



Coffeethrowtrampbitch Fri 24-Apr-15 10:36:38

Absolutely agree. That email is what she wants your life to be like, to prove her correct.

Only you get to decide how it will be from now on. Not exh, not your dmum (hah, 'd' indeed).

You have decided it is going to be a life where you and your dd's don't have to live walking on eggshells and dancing to the tune of abusers, and that includes your mum.

Printout the email and take great delight in slowly burning it and blow the ashes outside and forget you ever saw it.

Well done you for leaving an abusive relationship with your husband, don't listen for a second to anyone who can't see what a courageous act that was.

cailindana Fri 24-Apr-15 10:36:58

Can I add that you must have an incredible amount of strength and resilience to have ended such a long and abusive marriage when your own mother wasn't behind you. That takes a very special kind of courage I think.

Toastandstrawberryjam Fri 24-Apr-15 10:38:41

She put my stepfather before us, yes. She allowed him to physically abuse me for years and when I confided in her that he tried to rape me, she fitted a lock on my bedroom door and told me it was my responsibility to keep him out. I was 15.

She emailed me a few years ago when I was having problems with my marriage and said I would need to make sacrifices to stay married, as she had. But she was sure I now understood.

Toastandstrawberryjam Fri 24-Apr-15 10:40:53

I don't feel courageous. It has been bloody hard work. She groomed me for this and kept me living like it because it was how she wanted her life. I can see that now.

I have dragged myself back up by my fingernails and I don't want to go back down to that.

FenellaFellorick Fri 24-Apr-15 10:41:02

What's your dad like?

I wonder if perhaps she put up with a certain life and feels challenged or something by your choice?

I think that you have to accept she is never going to be what you want and need her to be.

I also think that such a person can bring nothing good to your life or to the lives of your children and none of you would lose anything by not having her in your lives.

I think you could either not respond, maybe block her from contacting you. Or you could reply something along the lines of "a price well worth paying to no longer be abused. Do not contact me again." and then block her.

FenellaFellorick Fri 24-Apr-15 10:41:50

so sorry, I cross posted. I think it is clear that her reaction is all about her and her choices.

I don't think she deserves a place in your lives.

mix56 Fri 24-Apr-15 10:44:25

She just has absolutely No idea. I think its a waste of very precious energy to fight, or try to make her understand. she doesn't want to understand & v likely your XH has been working on her. He is very good at manipulating people as you well know.
Perhaps you should reply saying She is not being supportive, please just leave me alone. any more meddling & you will blacklist her from phone & email.
(she can always write a letter). Ignore her pettiness.
Don't be hurt by her, don't let it get to you. WELL DONE for having the character & strength to get away, that alone is just brilliant. your life & that of the DCs is better, Sod the surroundings, you only live once, You will at least be happy.

Toastandstrawberryjam Fri 24-Apr-15 10:45:43

My dad died when I was 10. I've spent my life since trying to make her love me and be proud of me. And then I did the same with DH for 20 years. I've always been so desperate for somebody to actually care about me.

But I have finally woken up and put my DDs first, they are so happy now. Why on earth would I make them unhappy again.

Oh yeah that's right because I need to put them second after him hmm I don't think so!!!

plantsitter Fri 24-Apr-15 10:46:03

Oh, toast, I'm so sorry - I can see that my fake email is a bit flippant now. However I do think that you've been incredibly strong and courageous to get out of your marriage. Now you need to get away from your mum and her warped view of success and happiness. I know going non contact is never as easy as just saying it, but in your case I really think you and your daughters would be better off without her in your lives.

pocketsaviour Fri 24-Apr-15 10:46:44

But she was sure I now understood.

And I'm sure you now do understand. You understand what a bloody waste of space she is and exactly how crap she treated you as a child.

Really sorry she's sent you this vicious email. Don't engage - she will never accept how badly she's behaved. Delete it, or put it in a new folder called "Deluded idiots". Not sure how much contact you have with her now apart from these types of mails, but I'd be looking to either go completely no contact or reduce the contact even further.

And you probably already know this, but don't let her have ANY unsupervised contact with your DDs.

FernGullysWoollyPully Fri 24-Apr-15 10:47:25

Dear mum

Your email makes me incredibly sad that you would sacrifice the feelings of your own dd and dgd by encouraging such a toxic and unhappy life with stbx.

It also makes me feel incredibly glad and not guilty at all (despite your best efforts) that I did chuck the fecker out of our lives.

This email is just to let you know that I intend to do exactly the same with you. Feel free to contact me with an apology when you have regained your senses.



Leafitout Fri 24-Apr-15 10:48:25

She is the very reason why her son has been EA for the last twenty years towards you. Instead of emailing you a list of his faults she has chosen to blame you and point out what you should do to put things right. I cannot understand mothers like her. He obviously can do no wrong in her eyes which has set out to validate his shit behaviour.
Block her from your email account, block her from your phone, block her from your life she sounds like a witch.

kinkyfuckery Fri 24-Apr-15 10:49:14

She seems poisonous. Is going NC an option do you think?

By the way, she's wrong. I've been on my own with my DC for 6 1/2 years. They have regular contact with their father, including one overnight a week, and he pays a very small amount in maintenance. We are extremely happy - we have a nice house (rented, social), nice neighbours, cheaper but nice furniture. My DC get to do loads - in fact, more than we would ever have had with ex-H.

Toastandstrawberryjam Fri 24-Apr-15 10:51:01


She's my mother not mother in law.

mix56 Fri 24-Apr-15 10:51:25

Xpost, Oh OK, so EA by her, PA by step father, & married to an EA.

Stop trying to please her, she can't be pleased.
detach, ignore, jog on ...

FenellaFellorick Fri 24-Apr-15 10:51:29

I wonder if you would be able to reply something along the lines of
"I am loving my daughters in a way you were never able to love me and I am doing for them what you never did for me. I am putting them first. Never contact me again"

I appreciate this is a very challenging thing and perhaps not something you would want to do.

You are loved. Your daughters love you. They trust you. They need you. And you have done the right thing for you and for them. Keep telling yourself that.

momb Fri 24-Apr-15 10:53:29

'There's a certain irony in that although part of me has managed to forgive you for allowing SF to abuse us and make our lives miserable for all those years, I now find myself unable to forgive you for expecting me to allow my children to go through the same hell.
Do not speak to me about this again.'

MajesticWhine Fri 24-Apr-15 10:53:45

Jeez - I didn't know the background. I don't know how you can get past that.

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