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My marriage was over and then my husband died

(43 Posts)
Beachday Thu 23-Apr-15 18:02:11

Had a terrible time over the last couple of years
He lied, cheated, EA.
We had been separated for over a year, but he was still in the house, begging me to take him back.

Then he died tragically, suddenly.

And I have a million emotions

I'm now finding out that the lies, deceit and debts are so much worse

I love him, miss him, hate him.

He was not a good husband, I now don't believe he was ever faithful. Not a good father, by his own admittance, he had zero patience. He was never actually here, did nothing with ds, always out with clients, or others as I've now discovered.
I've done it all for years, well always really.
But the outside world didn't really see that.
The people closest to me know.
But he had so many friends who are devastated.
And then it's just so bloody sad that someone so loved died so young.

And also keeping his memory alive for ds. And helping him through this.

And now my family seem to think i can't do anything alone or I need to move 300 miles home.
My sister seems to have moved in, and I don't want to have to talk even. Let alone deal with cooking for her, or even her food in the fridge.
My house is messier than I would like, I'm trying to organise dh's stuff and paperwork and I can't even find a home for my clothes.

I just want to be left alone to get on with things
No- one is helping
Just adding to the nightmare that I seem to be in

Added to all that, I have peri menopause symptoms and just want to scream most of the time.

Outwardly I'm dealing with this fine, but I just want to scream

NotANaturalGeordie Thu 23-Apr-15 18:07:24

I'm so sorry for your loss, both for you and your son. I don't have any good advice for you but I couldn't leave your post unanswered

AltheaVestrit Thu 23-Apr-15 18:08:29

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say or suggest, but you sound so miserable.

You are allowed to scream, you know.

juneau Thu 23-Apr-15 18:17:22

Oh dear, you poor thing. My commiserations flowers

On the surface it seems like a complex situation, but from where I'm sitting you really have three main issues 1) getting your family off your back; 2) sorting out the financial mess left by your ex-H; and 3) dealing with your mental health and recovery regarding his abuse of you.

In terms of your family could you speak to your sister and tell her 'Sis, I really appreciate you coming here to help me, but I really need my home back now to get some normality back for myself and DS. We need to start coping on our own and I need some space. Please don't take this the wrong way, because I love you and I've been really grateful for you being here, but now what I would appreciate more than anything is for you to go home so I can start dealing with this stuff on my own'. Will she listen? If not, do you have a friend who could be there with you and help you to get your point across kindly, but firmly? You need to get her out of your house.

As for your family wanting you to move 300 miles, just keep saying 'No, I'm fine, really. I'm happy in my house. DS and I will find a new normal. Please stop badgering me about this. I don't want to move 300 miles away and I have no intention of doing so'. And keep repeating it until they get the message.

As for all the debts, lies, cheating - now that's the harder bit. Good for you for ending the marriage when you did and I'm sorry you couldn't find a way to make him leave. However, you're going to need both practical and emotional help to sort through all this stuff. Do you have any friends who are solicitors or who work in finance? If not, the CAB may be a good place to start. The debts will need to be sorted out, consolidated, maybe some can be written off due to his death? You won't know until you start going through it all. Going through his papers and getting a handle on exactly what sort of mess he's left you in is essential - as is the space and time to do so.

Your GP might be a good person to start with regarding the emotional side of things. Counselling is available on the NHS, but there is always a waiting list, so it might be best to get on that list asap. Good luck.

Flipflopskid Thu 23-Apr-15 18:18:50

Mine too.
He was a sex addicted philandering pig in reality and his demise saved me a lot of time and trouble.I was about to divorce him.
Sorry that yes ; he was young and that his family grieves and that I have been forced to play along and the real no holds barred truth will never come out. We didn't have any children which made it easier ( for me) but I will not play the saddened wife for ever - this was not how it really was.
Be strong for your DS , keep the reality close to your chest and push on through. It's ' me' time from now on and do not feel bad about it for one minute. You've given enough already by the sounds of it.
All the very best x

Handywoman Thu 23-Apr-15 18:21:15

Can you put your sister to good use going through his paperwork??

juneau Thu 23-Apr-15 18:21:22

P.S. And while you're visiting the GP ask if anything can be done about your peri-menopause symptoms. You can do without those on top of everything else.

Beachday Thu 23-Apr-15 18:45:23

I've been to gp
I have a number for counselling and had blood tests. I first went about the menopause about a year ago, nothing showed up so didn't really follow it up. But will chase
I haven't been able to do anything over the Easter hols, ds off school and we went away for a bit.

I've sorted out most of the financial stuff, and the life insurance will cover everything but I'm just horrified at how much he spent and what is coming to light.
I'm really ashamed and don't really want anyone to know the seedy truth so don't really want my sister going through his stuff.
Juneau- I will have to say that to her, but she's had a hard time recently and is now working locally, so it's very good for her to be here.

Spot on with the rest of your post, you've broken it down nicely

I just feel like I still have so much to do.
I've done a lot, the probate, all accounts, debts, insurance. Solicitor.
I have to sort his tax, which is weighing on my mind. But I've done everything I can so far.

AwesomeAlmonds Thu 23-Apr-15 19:08:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs Thu 23-Apr-15 19:26:21

Oh poor you [surreptitious hug]

A similar thing happened to me but it was my loathed, abusive exH. Confusing times! My initial response was intense elation I'm sorry to say. That lasted a nanosecond (and I still think I have to keep that elation under wraps), then the horror, guilt, intense sorrow crashed in. The kids were a mess.

Complex bereavement it's called - do see somebody, a bereavement counsellor. I muddled through, swinging between, well, joy; shock, practicalities re the kids. I even fell in love with him all over again for a while - went through the 'divorce' all over again in speeded up time...

Bleurgh. Be very kind to yourself, look after yourself. Tell your kind sister it's time to go. A friend dropped everything and battled across the country to be with me - it was pure torture (I wish she's asked but she meant well), I needed to be on my own.

You know the truth. You need to work through this in your own time and in your own way. Unlike my situation, you are at the core as his wife (even tho it was name only) and you can set the tone. People are generally crap with bereavement but ime swathes of ppl crawled out of the woodwork - ppl I had no idea were bereaved - and they were quietly understanding. This is your show, do it the way you want and need to do it, however that may look to anybody else. It's none of their business.

TheOldWiseOne Thu 23-Apr-15 19:27:15

I actually have 2 friends who have been through this - one was a cheat and one was an emotional abuser. No money issues like you. I know that both of them feel that they have found it extremely difficult as people were sympathising etc and yet they had all these other feelings going on as well that they could not share with other people. Just wanted to let you know that and of course it was all very conflicting emotions. Sorry not much help - just wanted to say.

Beachday Thu 23-Apr-15 19:56:01

Awesome, my close family know the basics, but I always played it down.
He fell out with most of them over the years. Real hurtful stuff.
But no-one wants to speak ill of him now, and strangely I don't want to say it or hear it.

Springydaffs- thanks, I'm glad there's a name for it, I can't imagine regular grief counselling would work here.
It is good to hear others have been through it, sounds horrible I know.
I guess it's not unheard of

Busybusybust Thu 23-Apr-15 21:24:00

Mine Aldo. Not a bad husband and we loved each other dearly. But he was a big kid, and he left me financially in a very precarious state, with a failing business and 4 dcs aged 15 to 5. It was very hard.

20 years down the line, I'm happy and the dcs are all successful and in good graduate jobs. Very proud of them and myself. But it. Was. Bloody. Hard!!!

Beachday Thu 23-Apr-15 23:27:24

That's good Busy. You came through it.

I've had a year of trying to distance myself from him.
I hated every second I had to be with him.
Every memory was tainted in some way. Every holiday went wrong, bad memories.
Now it feels like the last 10 years was just a complete waste
I can't remember anything good
And almost like my life is over.

tallwivglasses Thu 23-Apr-15 23:39:53

No! Your life is just beginning! - an honest life, one without lies and deceptions and second - guessing. You're doing amazingly.

friendofsadgirl Thu 23-Apr-15 23:43:04

Oh Beachday no, your life is not over. At some point in the future, you will see that a new version of your life has emerged. Right now it's all so hard but all that you are dealing with and working through will form the basis for that.


springydaffs Fri 24-Apr-15 00:21:47

Was it an accident? I ask bcs if it wasn't then that adds to the confusion.

Your life isn't over but you will be grieving. So confusing when we couldn't stand the sight of them when they were alive...

Even if you didn't know him that well, sudden deaths are very upsetting and everyone wobbles. You're right there at the epicentre so you will feel it keenly.

Let your feelings roll through. They will swing about flowers

springydaffs Fri 24-Apr-15 00:25:55

Btw most bereavements have complex feelings. Not many are straightforward. Xx

springydaffs Fri 24-Apr-15 00:39:54

My ex's death was not a good death (accident, sudden death) and that just does rock one, regardless who it is who has died. You were married to him - all that hope come to nothing! - and loved him dearly at one stage. You will feel immense loss.

I found the usual rituals a great help. I wanted to wear a black armband - but felt a complete fraud. I could get away with certain things because I was ostensibly doing it for the kids... but I was doing it for me, too. I once read a book about a woman who murdered her husband and went to prison for it but grieved deeply for him. Grief doesn't have to make sense you know.

Bear in mind you will be in shock for quite some time

LondonZoo Fri 24-Apr-15 05:32:11

A work colleague was in your position. Her husband was also a colleague and everyone knew he was abusive- at least partly because he suffered the horrific complications of uncontrolled type 2 diabetes.

Whilst noone wanted to speak ill of the dead, the reality was him dying made her life a whole lot less
Complicated. And as awful as it seems to say, his family were better off without him... At least the "him" that existed for the last few years of his life, not the okay person that had existed before then.

It is OK to have complicated feelings about someone's death. If you have seen someone suffer then you can want the end to come, and then feel relieved,sad and guilty all at te same time when it does.

Permit yourself to whatever feelings arise.

AwesomeAlmonds Fri 24-Apr-15 07:22:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernparent68 Fri 24-Apr-15 08:05:06

Would it help to try and get some control over your life

Tidy the house, one room at a time
Tell your sister to do the cooking, or ask her leave if that's what you want
Tell your family you re staying

mix56 Fri 24-Apr-15 08:10:42

Yes I think 2 of your 3 main problems can be solved. Your family don't really want you to move, but are trying to be supportive. It can be nipped in the bud. You want to stay put, Your friends, son's school, marital home are here, son needs his friends too. Ask them to stop, you have enough angst.

Your sister, at very least should not be getting in your way, if she is lodging for free to make it easier for her job, then it has to stop. If she is trying to help, tell her its OK now, you want your own space back for yourself. plus there is no reason on earth why You should do the catering. or pay.

As for the feelings of being so royally fucked over by a lying, cheating, debtor.
That is so hard. the sudden abrupt accident, your child's pain, coupled with guilt (not surprisingly) of not feeling genuine sorrow, but Shock that it all ended, & no one to tell the real story to.
I think you need to find a bereavement councillor, to just open up & let the truth out. It must be intenable playing the expected "sad" show.

Life is not over, you son will become a wonderful young adult, your life has many happy years in store. This terrible stage will pass.

AlternativeTentacles Fri 24-Apr-15 08:16:51

Sorry to hear of your loss.

You are allowed to say 'look, I need some time alone just now'. If she needs to get some digs for a few weeks/from now on, then please tell her. If I was the sister I'd be mortified if my brother couldn't tell me they needed the space.

And your life really is just beginning.

tribpot Fri 24-Apr-15 08:40:16

I think you need to confide the truth in a few close friends. Give yourself the release valve of being able to say 'you'll never guess what I've found out now'. Trying to bottle it all up to protect a dead man who doesn't deserve it won't do you any good (whilst I appreciate you also want to protect your son).

Your sister needs to go home. It's important that you and your son have space to grieve and to start building new routines (although day-to-day life may be relatively unaffected, I would imagine). Moreover moving your son 300 miles from his friends and school would be a terrible thing to do right now, I would shut that conversation down as soon as you can.

I don't think bereavement counselling is only for those with uncomplicated feelings of only grief. I bet quite a lot of bereavement counsellors have heard hair-raising stories and I really would suggest you look for one. You need some spaces in your life where honesty can prevail. Over time these spaces will become bigger as he recedes.

I would look for an accountant to help you with taxes. Like many things in life, taxes are worse to anticipate doing than they actually are to do, but this is an area where you can buy in some expertise and take a weight off your shoulders.

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