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Is DH behaviour normal or is it emotional abuse.....

(110 Posts)
supersmashinggreat Fri 17-Apr-15 13:50:19

I've read other threads about this but really have no where to turn, I feel like I'm going mad and that nobody will believe me......but last night was the a turning point that prompted me to post here for advice.

I think that I am being emotionally abused, but I'm not sure if it's if I could explain could you see if you think that this is normal behaviour from a husband and father??

Last night I had a particularly tricky bathtime with my DD age 7, she is really hard work and has tantrums/meltdowns so has to be handled in a calm way.....anyway she was kicking and screaming in the bath - not unusual - when I asked to get her out she was adamant she wouldn't so i had to lift her, she was kicking and splashing getting angry but I remained calm, explaining it was time for bed...anyway at the pinicle of the tantrum DH comes home from a hard day at work and starts to explain why it was so bad I uummed and arrhedd and he said oh do you know what it doesn't matter it's always about you isn't it...' he could see how hard it was for me with my lovely girl but huffed off. I detatch myself and he doesn't get why I am being so moody and distant. He has had a much harder day than me, what do I know about hard work etc

he has been recently been made bankrupt, didn't speak to me about it for months, sorted it all out with his Dad even though it has a massive impact on our family. He is lying to both me and his family about his spending, blames me for my low income.....anyway because of this he is using my bank account and had to take my card last night, I said that I was struggling after a large and unexpected VET bill - his Dad transfered money into my account and he took it all out leaving me with nothing saying it was 'his money' and that I should go out and find some' he spends money like water whilst I have to penny pinch and go without. last night he told me that I am not a proper wife, tells me I'm a lair, swears at me. If I don't want him (sexually) there are plenty of women who do, other people find him attractive why don't I, it's my fault he is like this because all he wants is my love, he thinks I don't show him enough love or passion, sympathy or empathy. When I go out he texts me on average 10-12 times a night, I can't be myself as I am nervous, yet he can be out all night as he is stressed because of his business/bankruptcy. I've started recording incidents on my telephone so I can listen back, but after every time he says it's stress and he is sorry he loves me....he can't do though can he.....???? We have two beautiful children and it breaks my heart xxx

Cherryapple1 Fri 17-Apr-15 14:07:53

yes he is abusive. Why do you need to record anything. Get your bank card back from him. And call Women's Aid for advice and support.

petalsandstars Fri 17-Apr-15 14:12:16

^^ what cherry said

BuzzardBird Fri 17-Apr-15 14:13:06

He no doubt is stressed but so are you. He sounds self absorbed tbh. I doubt anyone is more important than him and it sounds like you will have a very rocky future with him.

I would contact WA and see a solicitor for a free 30 mins consultation.

mostlyconfused Fri 17-Apr-15 14:13:13

I'm really sorry to hear what your going through. I'm not usually one to advise LTB but I really think that's the only solution here. He might be under a lot of stress but that doesn't mean he should treat this way. You are his wife and deserve his respect. I would start to make an exit plan. If you still love him and think there is a chance to save your relationship then suggest counselling. However, I would be concerned that if he knows you are thinking of leaving he'll clear out all your money.

Topseyt Fri 17-Apr-15 14:22:20

Stop lending him your bank cards. Change the PIN on them if he knows it.

He has already spent his own money like water. Don't give him access to yours if you want to be able to feed your family.

He sounds like an arse.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 17-Apr-15 14:32:43

Has it occurred to you that one of the reasons your DD is 'hard work' is your DH's behaviour?

Talk to Women's Aid. This is not OK.

supersmashinggreat Fri 17-Apr-15 14:36:58

it's his money in my account, because he is bankrupt he can't use his old one and is yet to set up a new one. His dad transfers money from the business - his wages - into my account - he has changed all of his passwords on his computer, it was my snooping that found out how bad the situation was. He has spent 700 in a week and a half and when I ask why he says it's because I pay for nothing, I do as much as I can.

he said he didn't tell me because it would worry and stress me out, he wanted to come to a resolution before he told me, which he has kind of, with the help of his parents - imagine the MILF knowing what was going on with your own finances and home before you did!!

I don't know what to do, the house will be transfered into my name in a years time. I want to help him, and hate him at the same time. I can't talk to anyone about it I'm so embarassed but know it's not right xxx

AlternativeTentacles Fri 17-Apr-15 14:37:59

He sounds like a right cunt.

What is the house situation? Do you rent? If so kick him the fuck out.

taxi4ballet Fri 17-Apr-15 14:38:09

If your DH is taking your bank card, then I assume he knows your pin number... The bank will take a very dim view of this.

Open another bank account in your own name, and ask them not to send any statements/correspondence to your home address.

Do you have any income of your own? Do you get child tax credits?

supersmashinggreat Fri 17-Apr-15 14:42:03

@MrsTerryPrachett I have no doubt that she is infuenced by the way I feel, and she by nature has more of his families traits but she is lovely just spirited xx

windchime Fri 17-Apr-15 14:53:09


ImperialBlether Fri 17-Apr-15 14:56:06

Nothing to do with what you said about your husband but cold water added to the bath makes them get out quicker than anything! Either that or just pull the plug out.

RonaldMcDonald Fri 17-Apr-15 14:58:31

He sounds like a tool

Leave him

You'll still have two beautiful children but less anxiety and a life of possibe happiness not probable misery

Cherryapple1 Fri 17-Apr-15 15:13:24

Is he self employed? If so I would worry about tax implications of his money being paid to you. But aside from that - him not having a bank account is his problem to sort out. If you own the house and are married then he could have a claim to it so you need a very good solicitor.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 17-Apr-15 15:17:34

Hullo supersmashinggreat

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time - do let us know if you'd like this thread moved to the Relationships board.

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir Fri 17-Apr-15 15:39:23


Quitelikely Fri 17-Apr-15 15:46:02

What on earth did he spend £700 on in a week and a half!

That is not on if you have to watch the pennies.

supersmashinggreat Fri 17-Apr-15 15:46:55

If it's more appropriate yes please to the relationship board x

Jackieharris Fri 17-Apr-15 15:51:33

Yes this is abusive.

If he has just been made bankrupt what is happening about your home?

Is it in his/joint/your name? Tbh my number one worry atm would be impending homelessness!

Normally with bankruptcy assets (inc the family home) will be sold. He needs to keep you 100% informed of what is going on.

Does he have a car? That could be repossessed too.

Do you have any joint savings etc?

You need to separate your finances completely or he will damage your credit rating.

It's a horrible mess and tbh you need professional advice like from cab and/or women's aid.

Now is the time for Making a clean break. Even without the financial issues the way he talks to you is totally unjustifiable. Your dd shouldn't be witnessing that.

Topseyt Fri 17-Apr-15 15:55:03

You absolutely don't have to let him have access to your bank account regardless of what his Dad is doing with his wages. Two options:

1) Change your PIN. Draw his wages out of your account in cash and give them to him. He can either go and open a new account for himself then, or he can blow the lot in one go and have nothing for the rest of the month.

2) Open a new account for yourself and don't let him have the details. Close your existing one.

If he has access to your funds the not only will your bank take a dim view of it, he will also keep on spending merrily away until he takes you down with him.

It might be wise to have an exit plan if possible.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing Fri 17-Apr-15 16:05:17

When times are tough you pull together - at least you do in a healthy relationship. You support each other and use each other's strength.

This is not happening here. He is using this situation to show his true self. You need to formulate an exit plan. You don't need to commit to leaving him, but you need to know what you'll do if/when it comes to that.

drudgetrudy Fri 17-Apr-15 16:09:51

He sounds very stressed but he is taking it out on you in an abusive and totally unacceptable way.
I agree that this would be better on relationships-YANBU-you need support to consider what you want to do and how you want to handle this.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 17-Apr-15 16:19:05

This is verbal, emotional and financial abuse.
Please call Womens Aid and get some help.
You should not have to live like this.
You will be far better off away from him.
You will get more benefits and tax credits.
Once you have some help in place from Womens Aid then contact Citizens Advice and find out what you would be entitled to.

It's not a wonder he is bankrupt if he can spend £700 in a week and a half.
Get away, this man will drag you down with him and that included your DC.

supersmashinggreat Fri 17-Apr-15 16:49:18

It's not just me then smile I'm going to contact Women's Aid xx

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