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struggling...

(26 Posts)
knackered69 Tue 14-Apr-15 23:15:26

I posted here a couple of months ago on a thread about what you can't tell anyone.

I posted about how I felt near the edge.

6 months ago my mum became ill.She lives with my sister who has systemic schleroderma - an auto immune condition that affects blood vessels - it hasn't the best prognosis - she'd already been in itu with a hypertensive crisis and renal failure. They had to amputate her hand and she ended up with a catheter and a degree of faecal incontinence. She was in hospital for 6 months.

Anyway - my mum wasn't well - I tried to get the doctor out but she wasn't having any of it.I came up to take her to the doctors but she wouldn't go!

I live 200 miles away and I am a single parent of two boys - I also work almost full time so it was a bit tricky -eventually she had to be admitted to hospital, and and there they found she had ca lung with liver and brain mets. That night my sister was admitted to hospital with pancreatitis - she was seriously ill. After a week, they put my mum forward for palliative chemo, and said she could come home. She lived with my sister and she was in hospital - They also said that she needed a package of ccare which she was refusing. Because of the brain mets she was falling everywhere and wasn't safe. In addition - I was trying to sort their house out cos sister is a hoarder - they had rats and were knee deep in used incontinence pads. Prior to this they wouldn't let me help.

I thought I'd sort out the house whilst my sister was in hospital but it wasn't yet safe for mum.so I had to put her into respite care

Meanwhile my sister went to theatre for a drain put in her pancreas - she lost so much blood that she arrested - they got her back and she went to itu. After a few days she is extubated and makes her way back to the general ward. I break it to her that mum is terminally ill and is in respite. She went bonkers!

Two days later my mum threw off a clot somewhere - and died. I was with her when she died. Sister was another two months in hospital, so I sorted out the funeral and probate and the house. Then social services ran me ragged as I tried in vain to get support for her on discharge. She went back to their old house, and needed a lot of my support and TLC. She started to come round a bit and finally went back to work part time.

In the meantime my kids are wondering who Iam, my work is suffering, the dishwasher has died, and I have no kitchen flooring cos of a leaking pipe. I have been up there practically every weekend for 6 months...

Today - I was just saying to my workmate that things are really looking up - it's been 6 months since mum died, it's spring, works fine - kids are thriving and my sister is really improving.

An hour later the police phone me - my sister didn't pitch up for work and cos of her history they sent the police round. They broke down the door and called an ambulance. She was on her way to hospital.

I phone up the hospital and she's died.

They think it was a massive heart attack and they tried to resuscitate her but couldn't.

My workmates brought me home but I'm in shock. The youngest boy keeps going into the bathroom and locking himself in to cry. There has to be a coroner involved and tomorrow I do the long lonely trek to see her and sort out another funeral. I can't do this again...

Ouchbloodyouch Tue 14-Apr-15 23:29:34

Oh my word you poor thing. I don't know what to say. Is there anyone with you? Do you want to PM me? I don't know what to offer. You must feel wretched.

knackered69 Tue 14-Apr-15 23:33:49

Ex dh has been round and workmates came back then took ex to work to pick up my car- kids chose to stay here tonight and are just going to bed now ds2 is out of the bathroom... Thanks though x

Ouchbloodyouch Tue 14-Apr-15 23:36:02

This is so awful. It has seemed a really sunny few days for a lot of us. What a dreadful shock!

BuyToLetNovice Wed 15-Apr-15 00:16:17

God you've had an awful time, I'm so sorry for you sad

Do you have any other siblings/family to help you with arrangements? Your ex is being supportive, yes?
How old are your DC? You must all feel pretty shocked and traumatised, it's the worst time. sad

BuyToLetNovice Wed 15-Apr-15 00:19:47

Try and rest tonight, even though you probably feel like you can't. Even if you only nap it will help. And try to eat something; soup is easy and nourishing, if you can manage it.
Really feel for you. flowers

AvaCrowder Wed 15-Apr-15 00:25:52

You poor thing. Take all hel

AvaCrowder Wed 15-Apr-15 00:29:21

Sorry! Take all the help that your ex offers.

And then I guess you are going to need a bit of time to grieve.

You haven't done anything wrong.

dublingirl653 Wed 15-Apr-15 00:32:58

i am so so sorry
where in the country are you??
if you need anything please do ask

praying for you all

knackered69 Wed 15-Apr-15 05:08:20

I'm in the south east, and family are in Yorkshire - I don't have any other siblings, and dad died 20 years ago .I've got a couple of cousins up in Yorkshire who are about my age who I get on with, and a couple in the southwest. The knackered lads are 17 and 11, The 17 year old is largely self sufficient and is cool with me going up north tomorrow - he'll just get his girlfriend round hmm The youngest is going to go to exes tomorrow, who will probably take him into work with him -its easter break here still.

I I've managed to doze for a while but had this strange dream that I was outside my mums house looking in and not wanting to go in, cos I knew I had to sort it all out, and one of the neighbours came out and asked if they could have their table back cos the paramedics had borrowed it to resuscitate my sister on. sad

Cos she was only in hospital such a short time, the coroner has to be involved - they are going to ring me tomorrow-there might be an inquest? Does anyone know anything about this sort of stuff? What does it involve? How long does it take etc...

Ouchbloodyouch Wed 15-Apr-15 07:10:33

IIRC there will be an inquest and its usually quite quick. A close relative has recently done the sorting of her sons house. Its a tough one and I feel for you. Please try and get someone to help to do that if at all possible. flowers

cleanmyhouse Wed 15-Apr-15 07:11:24

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Despite how you feel, you will manage to do what you have to do, it sounds like you have supportive ex and workmates. You might want to consider getting signed off worked by a doctor for a while, just to take the pressure off. You sound like a coper and very capable, but that can catch up with you eventually.

Can your family up North help?

sandgrown Wed 15-Apr-15 07:19:30

When you have done the basics could the cousins help you sort the house out? Can you stay with family up North so you have support or do you have a close friend who could travel up with you? . Thinking of you flowers

m0therofdragons Wed 15-Apr-15 08:09:07

So sorry, you've had such a tough time. Ask for help from friends or ex etc - now is the time for asking and most people would want to help even if it's just making you a dinner.
take each day as it comes and you will get through this. Thinking of you flowers

DavidTennantsBeard Wed 15-Apr-15 08:21:35

You poor thing OP what an awful time you've had. Sometimes it really feel that life is kicking you when you are down doesn't it. It must be very hard to feel that all of this falls to you.

All you can do is take one day at a time for the moment, and accept all the help you can find.

try to find coping strategies eg carry a pen and paper to note down things to do when you think of them, or have a list on your phone. Then you can pick off the most urgent things that can't wait and make a mini list for each day.
In the slightly longer term do think about some bereavement counselling for yourself .

knackered69 Wed 15-Apr-15 13:55:49

Thanks everyone - have spoken to coroner and the post mortem is tomorrow am and he'll phone me at lunchtime with the results. Have spoken to the vicar (who phoned me cos my sister waa a lay reader at his church) and will be seeing him tomorrow. I phoned the funeral directors - our family name is quite unusual "didn't we assist you a few months ago?" she says

"yeah that was my mum - now it's my sister... " I don't know why - I wanted to laugh it just seems so ridiculous blush

Phoned her work again, and also the headstone people as they were getting ready to engrave the stone adding my mum's name. They have put it on hold. My sister is going to be buried with my parents as it's a three person grave. I've had many lovely convos with the memorial lady blush

I just know that I will feel different from day to day and right now it helps to keep busy. I need to get a notebook out though because I'm drowning in post it notes.

Ratfinkandbobo Wed 15-Apr-15 14:06:15

You're doing amazingly well in the circumstances, you sound very organised flowers

dublingirl653 Sat 18-Apr-15 22:51:39

please do let us know if you need anything

thinking of you
best wishes
DG

knackered69 Sun 19-Apr-15 07:57:54

Thanks DG and Ratfink star

Just come back from Yorkshire last night - it's been really full on.Ds2 wanted to come with me to ride shotgun as we were still on easter break. His dad offered to sleep at ours and take him into work with him but he wanted to come. He was brilliant - two days of scooting around sitting in offices signing stuff whilst I cried periodically - he read his book and reached for my hand when I got a bit noisy blush but it was great having him there as a distraction and a sense of normality and just spending some time together.

The post mortem results came through - cause of death was a huge M.I, with a degree of heart failure, she also had pancreatitis, hypertension and the systemic schleroderma underlying it.

Basically her poor body was worn out and she could have gone at any time sad

We have picked up her bits from the bereavement office, registered her death, seen the funeral directors (funeral is on Tuesday 28th) realised that the grave deeds from when mum died hadn't come to me so council drew up a statutory declaration and I had to find a local solicitor to sign it with me, then we put an announcement in the local paper, and went to see the vicar...

I also went to see her in the mortuary. I suggested to ds2 that if he wants to see her it might be better at the funeral directors later on.He was ok with that and I sat him in the hospital cafe whilst I went off to the mortuary. I knew that they'd tried to resuscitate her quite vigorously so I didn't know what she would look like and wanted to prepare him first if he did want to see her.

She actually did look very peaceful -she had a bruise under her jaw where they had probably lifted her chin to extend her neck, and one ear was slightly mottled but she looked like she was asleep.

I'm glad I was on my own cos I completely lost it - I was convinced that I could wake her up and take her home sad and when I couldn't, I stood there and howled. And howled. I cried so much I couldn't breath and the mortuary staff had to give me a glass of water.

We are back now for a couple of days -still a lot to do.

BuyToLetNovice Sun 19-Apr-15 08:10:39

flowers

paddlenorapaddle Sun 19-Apr-15 08:34:11

Knackered my heart goes out to you, you have coped marvellously well given the circumstances

Howl if you want to the mortuary staff will be used to it

Don't really have any advice just wanted to say hang in there you're doing brilliant

flowersflowers sorry for all of the difficulty right now. I hope you find some peace xx

hellsbellsmelons Sun 19-Apr-15 08:49:02

I cannot imagine what you are going through. But your past has made me cry. It's so heartbreaking.
You are doing so well.
You sound like a wonderful caring kind person.
Keep hugging your sons.

Ledkr Sun 19-Apr-15 08:56:11

Gosh, I just read this as it was in active convos.
What an awful time you have had, it's hard to believe so much crap can happen in such a short time.
I'm glad you have had support here and in rl your ds sounds lovely.
We have had s lot of illness in our family and I know the bone crushing feelings of exhaustion and frustration when trying to support them and living your own life at the same time, you must be literally knsckered.
Remember to still take care of yourself as well as everyone else.
Good luck with everything.

TheOldWiseOne Sun 19-Apr-15 09:05:45

More flowers from a stranger.

You are doing your duty as a sister and daughter - take pride in that. Not everyone has someone like you to help them.

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