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When a partnership isn't a partnership...

(143 Posts)
notonthebandwagon Fri 03-Apr-15 17:59:22

My OH an I have been together a little over 3 years. I have an autistic child from a previous relationship and we have a child together. I stay at home to look after child 2 and we home educate child 1 which we both feel is in child 1's best interests.

We have been looking at buying a bigger house. The one we are currently in was bought over 10 years ago by OH. I want to go on the deeds for the new house. OH did not react well to this. I pointed out that we are in a partnership, have a child together and I work just as hard as he does - he sees this as unfair because I've only been with him 3 years. I see it as I have a right to security just as much as he does.

Am I being unreasonable?

JustNameChanged Fri 03-Apr-15 18:01:18

No YANBU you should make sure you go on the deeds

jelliebelly Fri 03-Apr-15 18:01:34

Actually yes YABU - how much have you financially contributed to the house you are currently living in?

FelicityGubbins Fri 03-Apr-15 18:02:15

Tenants in common could be an ideal comprise for you both, as I think you both make very valid points.

notonthebandwagon Fri 03-Apr-15 18:04:17

Financially nothing - I stay at home, look after the children and HE the oldest because of his autism - we have been trying to get a statement to get him into a school that wouldn't give him the horrible experience he had in mainstream.

jelliebelly Fri 03-Apr-15 18:15:02

I can see why your dh is unsure. If you are on the deeds you are entitled to half the house if you divorce yet he is the one who has used his money to buy it before you even got together.

Dh and I have always earned 50/50 and contributed 50/50 to house, children, chores etc so a true partnership - it gets very messy when that isn't the case.

notonthebandwagon Fri 03-Apr-15 18:17:43

We are not married, OH, not DH. He won't marry me.

notonthebandwagon Fri 03-Apr-15 18:19:31

And if I worked my wages woul be nearly completely swallowed by childcare.

Tutt Fri 03-Apr-15 18:19:33

Your OH has had the house and solely paid for it for 10 years, you have been around for 3?
How much in money are you going to contibute to the bigger house?


jelliebelly Fri 03-Apr-15 18:21:14

He "won't" marry you - why?

Vivacia Fri 03-Apr-15 18:22:46

Actually yes YABU - how much have you financially contributed to the house you are currently living in?

Is your OH financially contributing to you caring for his child?

RandomMess Fri 03-Apr-15 18:22:58

I would say it's compromise time. Yes you could go on the deeds but also the bulk of equity could be ring fenced in his name to reflect it was "his" IYSWIM.

notonthebandwagon Fri 03-Apr-15 18:24:59


I stay at home to look after our under 3 year old and older autistic child - I'm not wanting half the house before anyone accuses me of being a gold digger but if something went wrong I wouldn't want to be homeless with 2 children. Surely bringing up the children is worth some modicum of protection such as a deposit on a flat and the first few months rent?

notonthebandwagon Fri 03-Apr-15 18:26:23

He doesn't want to get married.

Vivacia - what do you mean by 'financially contributing?

Vivacia Fri 03-Apr-15 18:29:33

I mean that I don't think this situation is as simple as jelly was implying. Perhaps you haven't got money to put in to the house, but perhaps you have years of non-financial contributions.

notonthebandwagon Fri 03-Apr-15 18:37:29

That's how I feel, Vivacia

If something happened to me I doubt OH woul be able to continue working FT (no family members to help with childcare) We just recently had to pay over £200 for 4 full days of childcare which is nearly half his weekly wage.

Tutt Fri 03-Apr-15 18:38:06

I would ask him to have a will drawn so you are protected if anything awful happens
If you split then he will have to suppport his child but not the older one. Does the older childs father provide?

If you do split then I would expect him to contribute towards a deposit of a home and towards the rent but that is something that you have to talk about, I would have that written up to smile

notonthebandwagon Fri 03-Apr-15 18:39:28

Olders child's father lives outside of EU so contributes nothing.

Cherryapple1 Fri 03-Apr-15 18:43:20

I agree with you - he won't marry you nor put you on the deeds. If you split now you will be homeless and not be entitled to anything except child maintenance. You need to protect the future of you and your younger child.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 03-Apr-15 18:57:52

You need to have a serious talk with this man. Put it to him as not a matter of you 'wanting half the house', it's a matter of needing some security for his child as much as anything. Right now, if OH drops dead, you and the children could end up homeless. Some men won't marry the woman who has had a child with them on the grounds that, even though there is a child and they share a home, they still think of the woman as 'will do for now' and themselves as free spirits. Some men won't marry because they consider the money and assets they have as belonging to them rather than being 'family' assets.
If he refuses to have the discussion, or starts tantrumming about you being 'after my money' then you will know where you stand - this man doesn't care about your security and wellbeing, and you might want to rethink your relationship with him. If he has an ethical or emotional objection to marriage, which some people do, but is willing to get some legal advice and structure things so that you and DC are secure in the event of him being run over by a bus then that's fair enough.

Rebecca2014 Fri 03-Apr-15 19:08:07

You will be left with nothing if you move without agreeing to get married or to have your name on the deeds. Relationships break down, he is protecting his assets in case anything happens. The fact he is doing this shows he not sure if you two will be together in the long term.

notonthebandwagon Fri 03-Apr-15 19:09:56

I doubt he would have a problem with making a will, SGB, but he is having a problem with 'in case of relationship break down'. I pointed out to him that his mother was a SAHP after he was born and she never went back to work. for some reason he sees that differently (I want to go to work, Bith of us agree that's not particularly feasible for the foreseeable future).

Georgethesecond Fri 03-Apr-15 19:13:00

Can you suggest that if he won't give you financial security then you will have to provide it for yourself, so he will have to to reduce his hours to enable you to work?

Clearly that will be out of the question from his POV but it might give him a kick up the arse?

catontherun Fri 03-Apr-15 19:15:45

Lots to consider here....

On the one hand, if you are not working he is financially supporting your eldest child for whom he has no legal responsibility.

If you were on your own, you'd be having to live precariously on benefits if your only child (dc2 wouldn't have happened if your hadn't met your OH) couldn't go to school at the moment whilst waiting having to battle by yourself for a statement and more appropriate state provided schooling.

Would your previous job have enabled you to buy a home, if your first child had been able to go to mainstream school ?

You have considered your right to security if anything goes wrong, have you considered your OH's security ?

Whilst it would be good to make wills detailing what happens in the event of yours or your OH's death to make sure you are taken are of as far as any assets are concerned, wills can be altered later without the original intended beneficiary's knowledge so I wouldn't rely on that.

I think you are trying to close the stable door after the horse has bolted.

You are already in the position having had a child with someone to whom you are not married and being dependent on their goodwill continuing in respect of your other commitments (dc1). I don't really see how you can force them to sign away rights to assets they are currently sharing with you if they are not inclined to do so. He clearly wants to keep his financial risk associated with this relationship pegged to just child maintenance for your joint dc. Surely the signs were there when he didn't want to marry you before your joint dc was born.

I do think the only way forward is a compromise and agreement regarding a quite limited settlement if you split to reflect your stay at home period looking after his child.

I think the above probably sounds harsh but the reality of some people's situations can be just that at times

notonthebandwagon Fri 03-Apr-15 19:17:00

George - I did suggest that, that we both work part time and juggle childcare...but it would probably mean considerable less money coming into the household and I doubt he could go part time and still earn his hourly rate (I doubt there are part-time garage supervisors)

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