Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Need some hand holding to help me walk away(51 Posts)
Im a regular lurker on here but have changed my name because I feel like a complete idiot .
met a guy a couple of years ago on a dating site after my marraige ended due to his affair-I had been on my own for 2 years and felt the time was right to dip my toe in the dating scene.XH treated me very badly and it took a long time to build up my self esteem again. The guy I met is nearly 50 (I am 43) and had also come out of a marraige where his wife left him, we had a lot in common and hit it off.
It has never really been particularly passionate and quite often I have felt more like a friend than a girlfriend, he never made any particuar attempt to get to know my children but I put this down to him being cautious as he had no children himself.
He would only see me on sheduled occasions-basically when my children went to my exs and last summer when I started asking where the relationship was going, he suddenly out of the blue ended it.
A week later he came back all apologies and said he was confused etc.I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I knew his divorce was proving problematic and was causing a lot of stress.
A week after we got back together he had a sudden two week lull in between starting a new job and completely astonished me by booking a last minute week long holiday in the sun, just for him.
His best friend and his wife seemed very shocked at his behaviour and were very surprised he didnt ask me along, it didnt surprise me as this would be the second holiday abroad he had taken without me.
When he came back, he seemed very into our relationship, and everyone commented on the change in him, however it didnt last long, before he ws back to normal, barely contacting me in between dates, just casual and quite formal text messages. The irony is that he lives in the same town as me just a stones throw from my house and could call in whenever he liked
A week ago I finally challenged him about our relationship as I realised that we simply hadnt got past dating, almost two years in.His reply was that he loved me a lot but he didnt want to come round all the time as he had lots to do in his house! He subsequently admitted that he didnt see himself living with me and my children.
I was upset yet he didnt seem to understand why, I pointed out to him that I felt like nothing more than a companion for him on the nights he had nothing to do, he said it wasnt like that and didnt understand why I cant be happy with the status quo.
I feel quite gutted as everything I hoped for from this relationship seems to have gone out of the window, I have been nothing more than a casual thing.
My mother said the reality is that hes not madly in love with me and just wanted a casual easy girlfriend arrangement, but my friends say give him time.
We have been together almost two years and he says tat, he doesnt know what he wants, he would like to think we may live together..one day..it is all so vague, I pointed out that Im not looking for living togetehr right now but feel we should at least be discussing a future, his response is to just mumble vagely.
I had a text from today saying he hoped we wouldnt break up as he would miss me, and he has now texted me all day saying Im the love of his life, blah blah etc.I just dont believe him.
I know that I need to kick him into the kerb and walk away, but I need the courage to do so..right now
I forgot to add-I dont even feel as though he just wants friends with benefits as he doesnt seem to have a high sex drive and a lot of the time just wanted oral sex performed on him, the whole thing has crushed my self esteem again as I am struggling to convince myself that this is not my fault.
It's not anyone's fault really but you don't sound compatible. You want different things.
Best to part ways with your head held high, on amicable terms. Doing this, and refusing to accept less than the best, will do your self-esteem & self-respect the world of good.
It's ok to be single, it's actually quite fun in my opinion! And you know you can be on your own as you've already done it.
I'm with your mum on this one & I think you deserve better.
I think after 2 years it's fair enough to say he should know what he wants from the relationship, and what he wants is what he's always had.
If you stay in this you are foregoing the chance to possibly meet somebody who wants to be with you in a true partnership.
I don't believe him either. You sound lovely, don't waste your time with him.
suffering christ, this bloke just wants blow jobs without the hassle of a relationship
bin him off and don't ever suck his cock again
I'm wondering if he likes you a lot but doe not like the idea of being with your children.
This is a moral dilemma and depends upon the individual. If I split with my DH I would like someone like your dp, I would want to keep my dc separate.
You don't? Could he be waiting until they leave home?
How old are they? Re the holiday, might he have thought your dc would have been coming?
The really sad thing is that most of the time he never showed any interest in me sexually, I felt more like a companion, I think the occasional blow job was just a quick fix for him and he never returned the favour.
If he was waiting for my children to grow up and leave home he would be waiting an awful long time, they are 15,11 and 5 .
He never showed any interest in them , we never did things together with my DCS, he was only interested in taking me out or coming to mine when they werent there.
I was ready to think he's a bit selfish but maybe just scared to speed things up and commit UNTIL I read the last piece you added.
I'm sorry but I think your mum is right (as is your own gut feeling)
Get rid - you deserve much better.
CarbeDiem-I know I deserve so much more, I found myself thinking that maybe this was as good as I will get
I think the occasional blow job was just a quick fix for him and he never returned the favour.
GET RID. Dear christ. You have been used, my love, I'm sorry. He is never going to want more than he's currently getting. Assuming you do (like a partner who actually is interested in your sexual needs, for a start), bin him off now because you're never going to find someone else while you're dangling at the end of his string!
Well being single is better than this isn't it?
Better to be alone than in bad company.
He isn't much of a catch is he?
I suggest you focus on you & your kids for a while. Learn to enjoy your own company, find things you enjoy doing for you etc.
it all looks rather pathetic written down no he isnt much of a catch.
Im pretty happy in my own company and my children have always come first, I only saw him when the children went to my ex h;s.
I run my own business so am pretty busy any way..
You sound the catch not him. Blow jobs? The selfish user.
I'm trying not to view our time together as wasted.but I do realise I've been flogging a dead horse for a couple of years.One of his parting shots was to say he did love me but obviously couldn't comply with all my needs..
Don't be like me and flog the dead horse for seven year! It will sting for a couple of weeks but thank god for no more blow job chores. He sounds a complete waste of your head space.
One of the reasons I clung on so long is because we had a lot of shared interests and I don't have much in the way of a social life..one of my best friends was encouraged by her husband to distance herself after my marriage broke down ..
The nature of my business means I don't get to socialise with or see people so I think I clung to him to avoid loneliness except I realise I feel lone lier with him than without him.Ihim.I need to work on my self esteem again I think
Sometimes we think any man is better than no man. Its not true!
That's understandable. Have you looked at what else you could do/things to join on the nights you would have seen him? I'm in a similar boat to you, going to get lots of other fun things to do so no time to worry about being lonely. That's the plan anyway. I already miss my ex. Replacing the comfort of a relationship with new things to do. It is conversation i miss the most
I can't really sum it ip better than Anyfucker has
Ditch the user
You are the catch op! You sound lovely. Don't think of it as a waste- think of it as a lesson learned. Bet you won't settle for so little again.
How are you today?
I have ended the relationship..He didn't exactly seem heartbroken he managed to conveniently turn it around on me saying things like " I am obviously not enough for you " etc..today I feel pretty crap..I spent over 20 years with my husband before he walked out for another woman. .It took me a long time to come to terms with that and I feel like I failed because this relationship didn't work I don't see myself as much of a catch really....I I'M overweight and could do with losing a couple of stone..I think I need to work now on feeling better about myself..but that idiot won't be welcomed back.
Blizzardcat. yes I will miss his company.we got on well and enjoyed doing the same stuff.its going to be hard
I think you did the right thing and I'm sorry you feel down today but you are not an idiot. Look on the past two years as a stepping stone.
That was the right thing to do
take care of yourself x
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.