My husband is leaving me

[sadsack12]

Hi, sort of new to mumsnet (like a snoop on AIBU but never posted before) but really looking for some perspective.

My husband told me yesterday (via email) that he doesn't want to be with me any more.

A bit of background - we have been together 7 years, married 2. It is our anniversary tomorrow in fact. He got a big promotion at work at the start of the year and has been having to work up north, 200 miles away. He gets home every other weekend. It is a sort of long term temporary thing but certainly with a view to coming home. He's had to get a room in a flat share up there to stay in during the week. I had thought about joining him up there but we bought a house here 18 months ago, plus my career, family and friends are all here, and given that it was temporary it seemed silly to up sticks.

Things had been fine, I thought. We have no kids yet, but I'd been making sure I had lots to keep myself busy with while he was away. Since he left last weekend he changed. We've had minimal phone calls, him always saying he had a rubbish day at work and had no chat. No little "I love you" texts or anything which is unlike him. On Saturday I sent him a wee email with a update on my week, just silly things that weren't really worth writing down but the kind of thing you'd mention to your partner if you saw them in the evening. He didn't reply. On Sunday I text and asked him what on earth was wrong with him/me. He said he was replying to my email. I received it an hour later.

He says he has thought long and hard about it but knows/thinks it is right for him. But still says he loves me?

My parents came over immediately and were absolutely amazing mopping up my sorry face and cooking me dinner! When they left my best friend (who also works with me) came and let me cry on her for a bit. Had a wobbly sort of day at work today but ended up with amazing support from my friend and my boss.

I have no idea whether the right thing is to try and fight for our relationship. I still love him 100% but would hate to try and bully him into staying and then never knowing if he really meant it. I think he is giving up far too easily and that we should at least attempt to make it work. He has never had a positive marriage in his life (MIL is on 3rd husband and his Gran is on 5th!!) and he has no father figure on the scene.

Ohhhh it is so difficult. Just looking for some advice

[Kleptronic]

I think he's already gone, and it might be better for you in the long run to just let him go. I reckon that he's met someone else.

He is your husband and has committed to you for life - but three months working away and it's over? Let him go. I know how hard it is, believe me, but if he can do this in such a short space of time, he's gone already.

As you say you have your family, friends and career. You can get through this. I am so sorry he turned out to be faithless. You can do this though.

[DrownedReindeer]

Sorry, I also suspect there's someone else on the scene.

Let him go.

[Cherryapple1]

Hmm - sorry to be cynical but don't be surprised if there is an OW.

If he wants to go then just let him go. No point hanging onto him. Sounds like he has moved on and away from you with alarming speed. I would advise legal advice pronto - sorry.

[eeniemeeniemineymo]

Gosh, what a shock and I think he has taken the completely cowards way out by emailing you with such life-altering news rather than talking to you face to face.

But, he has also done you a huge favour! You deserve so much better, deep down you already know this I suspect. As for "giving up far too easy", nah, he just does not sound worth fighting for in my opinion.

Keep posting.....

[skylerwhite1]

God that sounds shit sadsack, TBH so does your husband.
Sounds like he got a taste of the single life again and likes it. Not wanting to cause you any more pain, but do you think he has met someone else? It all sounds so sudden.
I would just need to know everything and i'd want to hear it from him directly, not by txt/email.
Could you drive up to see to him (unannounced)?

Its good that you have such supportive family and friends around you at this time, and sorry

[crimsonh]

He tasted being ingle again...
Him saying he still loves you is s cunning way to keep his options still opened.

Cut him out, take any offers of support and consider yourself lucky that you don't have children with him.

[swazza]

Geez! What a cock.

Really is that the best your HUSBAND could do? End your marriage by email? Did he not think you were worth speaking to in person?

In that alone is your answer...... let the selfish, thoughtless, self indulgent man go.

I suspect his coolness and his pathetic cowardly email ending your marriage is probably linked to someone else in his life.

I am sorry I dont mean to hurt you but either he chose to end it by email because he is a selfish twat or because he didnt want to look you in the eye or risk him giving the game away because there is someone else.

I could be wrong.

[wizzler]

If he wants to go, you can't stop him and nothing you can do will change his mind.

He has taken the cowards way out.. I would ask him to come home at the weekend so you can talk things through ( and so you can look him in the eye when you ask questions you need answers to)

In the meantime I ould prepare for the worst, and start getting copies of legal documents, bank statements and organise a meeting with a solicitor

[zippey]

You did fine before you met him and you'll do fine after this. Your parents sound great. Your husband, not so much. Be thankful you don't have kids with him and look forward to the future. You've been living practically on your own anyway recently.

[sadsack12]

Thanks everyone so far!

I don't think he has met anyone else (says the naive wife...) but I honestly don't. He said he's been thinking about it for a year (!!!) and it took a lot for him to come to this. Someone quite close to him was having an affair and we both agreed on what a wanker he was to his wife and discussed it regularly so I'm fairly sure he's not. The place he is working is basically a retirement village in the north of Scotland so who knows who he'd find there!

He is on his way back here now should arrive by 11. I've spoken to him on the phone once and he was in tears. Followed by some texting where he claims to be just as upset as I am

He has actually only been up there for 6 weeks. He said part of what is making him want to leave is the fact that I wouldn't commit to moving up there with him. Which seems a bit silly, as I'd much rather have been dumped here than dumped up there! And if his feelings have gone then me being up there wouldn't have changed that.

I've often thought he's a bit emotionally stunted. I don't think he had the healthiest upbringing emotionally (including on going mother issues) and sometimes needs his own feelings explained to him. I'm wondering if maybe he's had too much time with his own feelings without me there to help him think things through. Or maybe the problem all along was me projecting feelings onto him.

I have seen him withdraw a bit from me I guess since before Christmas. Since we met he's been so keen on having a baby, in fact it was one of our most regular arguments that I wasn't ready yet. I had planned to get my implant out in Aug/Sep after the last of the summer's weddings, and hopefully be pregnant by Christmas. I've said this a couple of times to him and for the first time ever he didn't get excited. I thought he was just playing cool in case I changed my mind.

In response to those saying he shouldn't have done it via email - I do agree that it was a bit of a cowards way out. But also think that had it been in person I probably wouldn't have let him get the words out (I can be a bit of a crier/fighter..) and he had a chance to put his thoughts down clearly.

I'm so grateful for the support I've had, everyone has been amazing and my boss has given me the day off tomorrow so we can have a proper chance to talk things through. It's just the thought of the rest of the world finding out. And the thought of being a 27yr old divorcee it seems so humiliating.

[TokenGinger]

What a tosser.

For what it's worth, I don't think there's another woman. I think he's just very quickly got used to being alone and found it quite fine to deal with. Which sucks for you, but might offer a little more consolation than the thought of him with another woman, which didn't even enter my head.

I'd try not to chase him, because he won't have done this on a whim. He'll have been thinking about it for a while before plucking up the courage. I'd try and go very low/no contact and see how you do. It'll either make him think, oh shit, I've actually lost her and I've made a terrible mistake, or it'll confirm he's made the right choice, but in that time where you've not jumping up and down in front of him, it'll have given you a head start on healing.

Hugs

[zigazigah01]

Try not to worry too much about what other people think. I was jilted at 33 and felt totally humiliated but actually got loads of support from people. People are generally kind and will feel for you. It's not your fault if he doesn't want to try and make it work.

[sadsack12]

Thanks Ginger I think that unfortunately you have probably hit the nail on the head. Going NC will be pretty easy since he isn't here. Although was supposed to be home on Sunday for a week. Guess that won't be happening! He'll probably go down south to visit his dysfunctional family who will tell him there there it is fine you can just move onto wife #2.

Hoping that we can be amicable about splitting things, although I probably can't afford to stay in the house by myself maybe if i cancelled his ridic sky sports package. I do have options and know I can work through it. Seems silly, but I just hope we don't end up hating each other.

[championnibbler]

whether there's an OW is irrelevant really.
the point is - he wants to go.
let him.
you deserve much better.
you'll get through this, bit by bit.

[eeniemeeniemineymo]

After six weeks? Oh, you are well shot him.

I have been where you are now and "coming back so we can talk" is man-slang for "getting my clothes, personal papers, bank statements etc., out of the property whilst I still can". It may even be in the script.

That is harsh, but I am sure others will agree that you can really believe nothing he tells you now. Simply do not take anything he says at face value?

[eeniemeeniemineymo]

Sorry, I am very tired. That should be a full stop, not a question mark.

[JuiceInAWineGlass14]

Was there anything in the relationship wrong from your point of view?

[skyeskyeskye]

Sorry to read this. Good luck with talking to him but try and stay calm. Don't beg him to stay or try. If he doesn't want to then you will just end up hurting yourself even more.

Keep an open mind on there being OW. My XH also detested cheats. Didn't stop him falling for OW in a matter of weeks. The same thing happened to a friend of mine.

There may not be OW, only time will tell.

Just look after yourself and don't take any crap from him.

And don't write your self off at 27! You have got years ahead of you to meet somebody to share your life with.

[springalong]

my ex also used to mock other men having affairs until he had his own. I would just run.

[Cherryapple1]

Mine did the same. Hated dishonesty and affairs. His was ok though apparently..................

[Flangeshrub]

My ex mocked a colleague of mine who was having an affair and had DC the same ages as us. Said he was a nasty twat. My DH was shagging someone else at the same time. Means nothing.

[britneyspearscatsuit]

Th trick of saying they have felt like this for a year is called "rewriting history". They do it to make up reasons to justify the fact they are being a dick. It's a way of claiming they have "tried" hen they blatantly havent

[WildBillfemale]

I think sometimes someone who has been thinking of leaving for a while finds a way to put geographical space between them first before announcing their decision. I've seen this so many times irl and it pops up frequently on mumsnet. Just be thankful you don't have children together.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

My STBXH said it made him feel sick at the thought of people having affairs. He had such strong views on it.

He's now living with OW and I'm divorcing him for adultery.

I'm not saying this is the same in your case but don't even justify that he wouldn't have an affair because of his views. Also, it doesn't matter whether he works in a retirement village or not, there is always opportunity, it's just whether people act on it.

I do think regardless of whether there is OW, he has checked out of the marriage and will be 10 steps ahead of you.

Use this time to photocopy and important documents he may have at home, pensions etc and seek legal advice, most give a free 30 minute consultation.

I'm sorry

[sadsack12]

Thanks ladies. You were right. He was already gone.

He came home and I asked him if it was worth me trying to convince him to stay and he said no. So I didn't. I didn't want to beg him if it was going to only hurt me (and him, although not so concerned about his feelings right now) more. I was pretty cool until we went to bed, think it hit me more then. He slept in the same bed which was nice to have a comfort but horrible to think it was the last time. I could tell he didn't want to be there and was only doing it for me.

He says he'll continue to contribute house bills until the house is sold, or whatever we end up doing with it. God know who would want to buy it in it's half arsed state.

I have such amazing support behind me, I know it is the most horrible, shittiest thing that has happened to me, but at the same time know that I will be able to get through it. Maybe being able to say that after 2 days means it never was meant to be?