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Problem with DP(99 Posts)
Have NC for this as he reads my posts.
I went to a wedding with my partner recently and we were drinking free booze all day and all evening.
At about 9pm I was worse for wear and took myself quietly off to our hotel room and passed out on the bed drunk.
Later my partner came in and I was woken up by my bag crashing against the wall because he threw it across the room in a temper.
I don't remember much about what he said that night but the next morning he called me the following:
A cun*lodger (his female equivalent to cocklodger, which by the way, he finds offensive and "manhating")
A f**king drunken slag who loves sucking men's c**ks
A f**king disgrace who he does not wish to be seen in public with again
A headf**k who he should get rid of
With hindsight I should have left and travelled back home on public transport but I had friends coming to stay and I figured that the fastest way to get home to meet them would be to just go home with him in his car, as I don't drive.
And because I was so stunned at this outburst I honestly didn't know what to say or how to respond.
He is about 500 times wealthier than I am but I frequently offer to pay for rounds of drinks and take him out and pay for the odd meal to show him I appreciate him. He told me I am the only woman he has met in a long time who offers to pay for things and that he has in the past attracted gold-diggers.
I don't particularly enjoy carrying out the aforementioned sex act either, I just pretend to So at least that must have worked!
I have brought up the "scrounging drunken slag" issue and said I'd like to discuss it, but he's said "Can we discuss it some other time, not now?", to which I've acquiesced.
However, the subject came up again yesterday and the discussion became heated and he stormed off in a huff. then he rang me a short time later to say he wanted to come back round to get his things out of my flat and I said "Okay".
So I wrote the following on a piece of paper and put it in his toiletry bag:
<<<<<<<<"Trash; cun*lodger; scrounger; fuc*ing drunken slag who loves sucking men's coc*s; a fuc*ing disgrace who you do not wish to be seen with in public ever again; a headf*ck who you should get rid of.
"Let's suppose someone said this about your daughter?
"Why should I forget this?">>>>>>>>>>>>
The reason I brought up his daughter was because he told me that he finished with his last girlfriend because of the disgraceful things she said about his daughter, which he refuses to elaborate on.
Then later he rang me again sounding tearful and said: "I don't want to come and get my things I want us to work things out. I'm sorry about the things I said but I was irritated because everyone was asking where you were and I was embarrassed".
I told him he should have said to them that I had passed out drunk and that would have served me right because it was the truth. I had also just worked a 60-hour week on very little sleep. Not that that's an excuse for passing out drunk at 9pm.
My BFF said: "What, would he have preferred it if you'd punched a couple of people, or jumped on a table and got your ti*ts out? All you did was take yourself quietly off to bed and you got intimidated by him throwing your bag at the wall and calling you all those disgusting names. He has no respect for you and he hates women. You are being abused. How dare he call you a scrounger when you have never asked anyone for anything and you work your ti*s off because you are terrified of poverty? He is not fit to kiss your feet. You need to leave him."
He turned up at my flat today to apologise and so I went along with it for a quiet life as I am ill at the moment and too tired for drama. But when he returned from the bathroom a little later, he announced he was leaving and taking his things, as he'd found the note I left yesterday in his toiletry bag, which I'd forgotten about.
He said to me: "How would you feel if someone left you a note like this?"
I said: "All I've done is written down the words you used and then asked a perfectly reasonable question. I put it there yesterday when we argued and you left abruptly, and I forgot about it."
Nevertheless, he took his things and left. I am too exhausted to protest or argue with him, so let him go. He's since tried to ring but I didn't answer as my phone is on silent and I haven't bothered calling him back as I am too tired for drama.
Just interested in what Mumsnetters have to say about this.
He sounds like a nasty bastard and hard work. All this coming and going etc. your friend is right!
Does this happen a lot? How long have you been together.
BFF has it right. Why would you choose to share your life with someone so vile and lacking in self awareness.
All I can say is wave him out the door and close it for good. Your friend is right. He is awful.
This is a man who thinks he can say whatever he pleases to you no matter how vile, but you may not complain about it.
No no and a million times no. To stay and see it out with this man would be sheer folly.
He has shown you what he is, and you'd better heed it.
I'm so sorry...that must have been horrible to go through. Don't put yourself in that position again...please.
I think you already have the answer you're looking for.......he's a twat you're well rid lovey
You are probably drained of energy because of this waste of space. Dump him and your long working week will seem a walk in the park in comparison.
Your bff has your best interests at heart and this pathetic excuse for a man is damaging and nasty.
I would continue to ignore his calls till I was well enough to send him an email saying it's over, due to his behaviour, and to not contact me again.
Hope you feel better soon. You should do, now that that pain in your arse is gone.
Now is the time you need to be strong, though. Don't let him walk back into your life because you feel too tired of drama to keep him out.
Throwing your bag at the wall? Revolting and inexcusable.
Don't hang about until it's you he's throwing at the wall.
As for the things he said...what a foul and disturbing individual.
Dump him and thank your lucky stars.
He is a nasty piece of work.
and why does he read your MN posts?
Hi, thanks for your thoughts. I have been with him about 18 months and there was an abusive outburst like this about six months in. But I always end up feeling guilty and sorry for him. I realise that I have normalised his behaviour. My BFF says I am suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, and I realise she is right.
I want to get out and feel I've been marking time, waiting for "the right time". My friend said I need to speak to Women's Aid. I know there will be a sh*tstorm when it ends as I have previously tried to end it and he just bombarded me day and night, with ceaseless calls, texts, emails, tears, pleading, begging, all the usual stuff. And I took him back as I felt guilty. Classic Stockholm Syndrome, I guess.
To the PP who asked, he reads my posts because he is always going on about MN and saying the women on here are manhaters.
Also, ask yourself what a nice person would have done? If my dp wemt upstairs drunk at a wedding I might have a quiet tut and call them a lightweight but I would also go upstairs, check they were ok, tuck them in and then tell anyone who asked they weree snoring it off. I'd rather they stopped and called it a night before they got too far gone.
You don't exist to make him look good.
He fears MN cos he knows they have bellends like him bang to rights.
If he starts eith the texting thimg, ask him not to contact you and tell him if he continues you will call the police. And then do it if he does. They will have a word.
That kind of harrassment is both an offence and a massive red flag.
You can do this OP.
Use the awareness you clearly have to your advantage now. Make this the end of it.
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
Thank christ you don't live together or have kids.
When you end it ( and I really hope you do) tell him at the time that when he attempts to bombard you to take him back you will be asking a policeman to have a word with him.
I think on here people are sometimes too quick to say LTB but.. LTB! You've said it's not the first time he's behaved like this and it doesn't sound like he's at all regretful of the disgusting way he spoke to you. Sounds like you have good RL support from your friend too OP so I'd definitely take her advice! You're worth much more than the way he's been treating you
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