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Made a tiny mistake. The cherry on top of enormous mistakes.

(53 Posts)
DarkEarth Mon 23-Mar-15 23:47:55

I lied to my wife. The lie was inconsequential, but due to my history of lying about money, it seems to be the straw that broke the camel's back. Without wanting to sound narcissistic, I am a hardworking, giving, generous guy. I am just bad with cash. Skipping bills, frivilous spending, etc. Suppose my question is, how do I get DW to trust me with money? She suggested my wages being paid into her account, but that seems to be a spiral of mistrust waiting to happen. If I never have money, I can never be trusted with it. For clarification, DW can be just as frivolous but simply cannot admit to being wrong. Ever.

Cabrinha Mon 23-Mar-15 23:54:40

Well, what's YOUR idea?
You need to take responsibility for improving your own approach with money. You're right just handing it over to someone else won't give you practice in budgeting, but you're not showing any ideas here.

Check out money saving for ideas and support, and learn to budget.

But with regards to your relationship / who knows, there's clearly a lot else going on.

Lweji Mon 23-Mar-15 23:56:27

Why do you think a lie was inconsequential?

Lies lead to mistrust, so they are always consequential.

I'd say that relinquishing control of money is one way of recognising that you have a problem controlling your spending and that you want to improve.
Could you keep some money every month and not have the possibility of entering debt and actually save most of it to show that you can control your finances.

And when you say your wife can be frivolous, does she lie? Do you not trust her with money?

DarkEarth Mon 23-Mar-15 23:59:25

My idea is that I pay either by debit card or keep receipts as proof said bills are paid and accounted for. DW won't have it, seems to want control, but I will never regain trust that way.

Lweji Tue 24-Mar-15 00:00:33

How many times have you lied?
Have you gone into debt?
How many bills have you not paid that you should have?

minkGrundy Tue 24-Mar-15 00:01:09

Why do you lie to her about it?
That is, you are doing two things there, being irresponsible with money AND lying.
I suspect it is the lying that makes her not trust you.
And if you had to be honest about what you were doing with your money you might be more able to control it.

Also why not pay half into a 'joint account' to makr sure bills etc are covered. A joint account that you can see but cannot take money out of until you have it under control.

And if she also has issues perhaps you can both be honest with yourselves and each other and work together.

But first question - why lie?

DarkEarth Tue 24-Mar-15 00:05:01

I do trust her with money, but she has a selfish streak and it can get out of hand. Recognising I have a problem and handing over my wages every week are different matters. I would hate to sound selfish but I work hard for my meagre payslip and would rather not argue over needing some new (non-designer) clothes

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease Tue 24-Mar-15 00:05:38

If this is one lie amongst many then I think (in the absence of more info) that part of regaining your wife's trust is being completely transparent with finances.
What did you do?

Figwin Tue 24-Mar-15 00:06:58

Talk to someone like Step Change for free debt advice. She should find that a good move and you can take control of the situation yourself.

LadyBlaBlah Tue 24-Mar-15 00:11:15

You don't sound like you like your wife too much

honeysucklejasmine Tue 24-Mar-15 00:11:25

The best way to keep track of spending is to ditch the plastic.

Whatever money is "yours" after your obligations are paid, withdraw as cash. Watching the rather large bundle dwindle in a matter of days really hits home to you how much frivolous spending goes on.

Lweji Tue 24-Mar-15 00:14:45

What is her selfish streak and how does it get out of hand?

Did you actually need the clothes?

Does your wife not work at all?

PurpleSwift Tue 24-Mar-15 00:15:56

You can't force your wife to trust you. If the money going into her account will give Her some peace of mind then suggest it as a temporary measure with the understanding that you can both spend within reason. Give yourself an allowance and see how that goes.

Lweji Tue 24-Mar-15 00:16:18

I have to say you are being too cagey for people to be able to give you proper advice.

DarkEarth Tue 24-Mar-15 00:17:45

LadyBlaBlah - I love my wife. That ia why she is my wife.

I lie because I want her to be happy and the truth, in my experience, seldom gives happiness.

Thanks though, few good tips there smile

DarkEarth Tue 24-Mar-15 00:20:18

Lweji, me being cagey and you being nosey are separate issues. I asked for advice, and gave information to facilitate that. Other people managed to offer advice.

Twinklestein Tue 24-Mar-15 00:22:01

Ffs OP no-one can help you with an attitude like that.

Loveleopardprint Tue 24-Mar-15 00:22:39

I think the root of the problem might be that you think "truth never brings happiness"!
Truth brings respect and a sense of stability to a relationship which then leads to trust.

friendofsadgirl Tue 24-Mar-15 00:29:31

Could you have a household account into which you each pay your share, based on percentage of income if you both earn, that covers all joint bills. You need to include everything from food, rent/mortgage, council tax, insurance, utilities etc? Once you know there's enough in there each month to cover monthly outgoings add a little more for unexpected bills if you can afford it. That way you have both examined your finances, you know what you have left over and then you need to show you can be responsible with your share of what's left (if any) but your DW may be more comfortable knowing that your not spending money you can't afford.

Lweji Tue 24-Mar-15 00:30:12

I lie because I want her to be happy and the truth, in my experience, seldom gives happiness.

How is that working out for you, then?

Just being nosey, of course. It's not like you asked for advice here or anything.
Except you seem to want biased advice.

Lweji Tue 24-Mar-15 00:34:53

And why do you spend too much money to the point that you have to lie? (apparently, because you won't say much about what previously happened)
Our advice can be dramatically different if you accrued thousand of pounds in debt, or just have a habit of lying over spending a bit more but are still within budget but she is too controlling.

AvaCrowder Tue 24-Mar-15 00:38:30

Absolutely the truth will set you free.
If you don't trust her with money and she doesn't trust you with money, where are you going to go?

minkGrundy Tue 24-Mar-15 00:53:52

Does being lied to make her happy?

You cannot have it both ways, either you lie or you have trust but only a fool would trust someone who lies unashamedly. And I am sure you didn't marry a fool.

If you are not prepared to give up the lying, why should she trust you?

And be honest with yourself at least, is it really to make her happy or just to make your life easy. Noble or cowardly?

maras2 Tue 24-Mar-15 01:31:52

Without seeming to be rude ODFD and find a site that gives a shit.

2Retts Tue 24-Mar-15 01:38:56

Gotta say DarkEarth, Lweji kinda called you out there and the other posters backed it up...

Frankly, proper and balanced advice only comes when folk ask the right questions. When said questions remain unanswered, then all advice is biased.

MN is pretty efficient at asking the right questions; when they remain unanswered, doubts are always raised.

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