Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Need to stay strong(11 Posts)
I've done it again, but I mean it this time. I've ended a relationship that's been abusive for a good part of 6 years.
I remember the first time it started, we were looking at houses to rent, I liked one he didn't & we disagreed. It ended up with the papers being thrown in my face and him storming out of the room. That should of been it then shouldn't it? But I stupidly thought "maybe he's tired" maybe I wound him up. But no, that was just the start.
I used to think, when we were good we were great, but when we were badwe were horrid. But rreally, when he wasn't hitting me or getting in my face and just being normal I mistook that as being "nice". No, its normal to not have your boyfriend hit you and call you names.
He tells awful lies about me, apparently I've cheated on him, I control him, apparently I lie about everything. And best of all, apparently he does everything he can to make me happy
I've made this just so I can keep myself strong. I don't really need anybody to read it, I need it for myself. To remind me.
I met him when I was in a low place. I was 18, I'd fell out with my family andiI was sofa surfing. We met at a party and he was very confident, tookcharge, he seemed like someone iI could do to have around.
Things moved really quickly, he took me on holiday and after 4 months we moved in together. When we had the diafreement about which house to rent, I really thought it was a one off. Normal people don't fly off the handle like that do they?
I remember how things got steadily worse. At first he just got in my face. When he's 6'2 and I'm 5'2 its pretty intimidating having someone do that to you. After a while I got immune to that and it didn't bother me. So he stepped it up. The next thing was poking me in the chest. Over the next 2 years that worked its way up to him punching me in the face and dragging me around by my hair.
How ashamed I was and still am. Nobody likes to think their a wimp do they? Nobody likes to admint their frightened. I ended up doing anythingand eeverything to keep the peace.
I stopped going out with NY friends because he'd accuse me of cheating. Yet he'd still go out with his friends, not answer his phone and come backeearly hours of the morning. ( I know, says it all doesn't it )
I was getting ready to leave, I had money saved up and I was looking for houses. And then I found out I was pregnant. And everything changed, he stopped hitting me, he stopped getting in my face. He stopped going out. He was so sweet and nice to me and ibwss so happy.
Our baby ended up dying at 8 months into the pregnancy. I was heartbroken. I wanted that baby more than anything. I fell pregnant shortly after that, we had a row and I three his keys at him and walked out. Next thing I know he's running up behind me, punched me in the back of the head and when I was on the floor he started kicking me in my belly. I lost my baby a week later.
And why did I stay? I couldn't really tell you. I don't know why. I fell pregnant again but the baby didn't stay. I was heartbroken. 3 times. 3 times and none of them stayed.
Fast forward 2 year later and I was pregnant again. Ibdidnt have high hopes. He treated me nice then, but then when I was 16 weeks pregnant he attacked me and kicked me out at 3:30 in the morning. I rang the police and got him arrested, I was sick of it by then and why would he harm me knowing I was pregnant for the 4th time and I wanted this baby to stay?
I moved out then. I got my own house and I was happy. He left me alone for a few weeks. Then for whatever reason, I gave him a second chance.
He didn't hit me anymore, but he would say is said things and done things that I hadn't. He would tell me how unfit of a mum if be and he felt sorry for the baby.
By the time I moved out I knew I was done. I just didn't have the strength to go through with it properly.
Our baby is 10 weeks old now, and I've had enough. I don't want her to grow up and think this behaviour is normal. I don't want her to be me in 20 years. I want her to be happy
I need to stay strong. I'm hurting so much and it would be do much easier to just sy keys forget it, have a cuddle and carry on. I do love him, but I don'tknow why. He ddoesn't treat me nice at all
Throughout all of this I've had so many threats, threatened to rape me, threatened to stab Mr. Hell stamp on my head ext ext. Nobody would put up with Mr because I'm such a bitch. I'll never do better than him.
I know he's abusive, but I know the problem doesn't lie just with him. Its partially my own fault for ever letting it get this far. He slowly escukated the violence and I let him.
I need to keep coming back to this to remind myself to stay strong. For my baby. She deserves better than this, she didn't ask to be born and she needs to grow up in a normal environment.
I'm so upset, everybody wants the fairy tale life don't they? But it just doesn't exist. There's no such thing as a prince charming. People are monsters in human bodies
Forgot to say. The icing on the cake was the baby was crying and he got angry at her and swore at her. Apparently I pander to my baby because I don't leave her to cry. He's seen her 7 times this month and complained about it each and every tine
I didn't stand there and watch him heti angry at her, I was in the bath and heard
Really sorry to hear what you have been through.
I just wanted to say that yes, you do need to be strong but also be gentle on yourself -- it sounds like you have been through hell and your reluctance to move on until now is not a sign of weakness, just a by product of a very difficult period of your life.
I am in a similar -- though less bad -- situation to you. I know we need to separate but it's bloody hard. It's taken me 18 months of agony to get to the point I am at now.
Sometimes you have to work though a lot to get to this point and there will be false starts along the way.
But whatever you do, be kind to yourself.
Omg I've no words you poor girl. Well done on gettin out, your little daughter will have an amazing life without him. Please please don't look back. He had no care for your babies in the womb, I don't think it's going to he any different now she's here. Please keep yourselves safe.
Well done. You were in a dangerous and frightening situation. So sad. Are you getting support now? Have you told people the reality if the situation? You need to get help and counseling to stop yourself going back to him again.
Tbh I don't think he should be coming into your home at all. He can still abuse you and your child and he is dangerous. Contact centre. But you need help with all of this.
Thank you for the replies.
You know what's making it hard for me? He's going to tell horrible horrible lies about me to everyone we know. He's going to run me into the ground and I'm worried people will believe him. He's the life and soul of the party when he's out and can be a real charmer.
Exactly cold meat its not going to be different. And I don't want this life for her. If in 20 years time she ended up being me in a relationship like this it would be my fault. I need to keep her safe.
My close friend knows and she's witnessed his mood swings. My family know the bare minimum.
I've told him he can see the baby at a contact centre because I don't trust him 100% with her. He says he's going to get a solicitor but that doesn't frighten me. I'm not saying he can't see her but I am saying he can't see her on his own.
He got angry with her for crying? And apparently a 10 week old baby needs to learn she can't get everything she wants?
Makes me get adreline rush just thinking about it. The odd time he's had her overnight I deeply regret now because it loons like he's just left her to cry
What sort of person thinks a 10 week old crystal on purpose? She doesnt even know her hands belong to her yet!
Having my baby and him being like that with her and thinking stupid things about her has been the final final straw. She's a brilliant baby she's very easy to look after, a lot easier than I expected.
He's not nice to me he snaps at her and if I stayed things would just get worse. I need to keep coming back to this thread. We both deserve to be safe and happy
As a child who came from an abusive relationship, i felt very strongly that i had to share with you. Im so sorry about your troubled relationship with what sounds like a 1st class abuser. My advice is to get out while you and your baby can, babies and young children are much more perceptive than we give them credit for, i remember my father striking my mother when i was barely 2 years old, i have never forgotten it and it still bothers me at my age 44. I remember the shouting and screaming and violence and in my experience it never really stopped untill my father had left. It has effected me all my life in different ways. I have trouble interacting with people and became very shy and introvert, almost afraid of my own shadow, which makes it difficult for me to bond with other people to this day. This kind of mental and/or physical abuse rarely stops once it has started. To kick a woman in the stomach when she is pregnant is repugnant to me and any normal person. This kind of abuse only ever escalates and becomes worse and worse. Promises from these kind of people is all smoke and mirrors with no substance, I promise i wont do it again, i promise this is the last time etc etc etc, IT WONT BE.
My advice is simply this, run away and take your child with you, you are better off without him, it is only a matter of time before he will be trying to blame you for the way he acts. He may say things like," look what you made me do," trying to turn his anger or insecurities on you by making it your fault. But it isnt your fault. This is the nature of abuse.
Your child will remember if he or she is brought up in this kind of environment, he will remember being afraid to speak or getting in the way, or being upset all the time. You need to spare yourself and your child this kind of torment because sometimes it can last a lifetime and it does ruin lives.
I hope you will heed my advice "from someone who's been there" Take control of your situation now and you and your child need never look back.
This was my post.
I went back to him. And it got a lot worse and a lot nastier.
I'm properly done this time. I've been to the soliciters, a non molestation order was sent off today as was a residency order for my child.
I am done and I'm doing everything in my power to keep me and my daughter safe. My locks are being changed on Monday, I've got in touch with something called the Star Centre, I've had to have the police round 3 times this week because of his behaviour
Funnily enough 2 weeks after I made that post he attacked me at a friends house infront of my daughter. He pushed me up against a fence and strangled me.
I don't know why I stayed. I should of got rid of him long before I made that post.
I'm feeling very lonely and so very tired. I no longer have my own friends, so any "friends" I did have were mutual between him and I
He's already telling lies about me, I've had threats off his family and him.
I'm doing well and I'm not going to crumble this time
He attacked me while I had my daughter in my arms. He just went too far. Then I found out he'd been cheating on me. What a slap in the face. That stung more than the attacks.
I'm completely done which is why I've got professionals involved. I could never go back now even if I wanted to. Which sadly a part of me does.
But it's still very raw I ended things on the 30th December so I think I'm doing well really.
I should of left properly in March and it would all just be a distant memory now.
You are absolutely doing the right thing getting yourself and your daughter away from him, it's amazing isn't it that the protective instinct kicks in and you will do for your child what you wouldn't do for yourself. Neither of you deserve to have someone like that in your lives though, do whatever you need to do to stay strong this time, no going back. I would strongly suggest you ring Women's Aid and get some advice on what you can/need to put in place legally to protect you and your DD though. Tell them about the abuse and ask what you can do to keep him away from you and ensure he only has safe, supervised contact with your child. From what you've said unsupervised access and certainly overnight visits need to be prevented so you need to take action to ensure that before there's any possibility of him pursuing contact. If you can get legal measures in place to restrict his access to both you and your daughter it might become apparent to friends and family that he's not the charming nice guy they think he is too which may mean you get more support than you think. Stay strong, there's lots of support on here so come back if you need advice or just someone to talk to
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.