should I divorce him?

[kikki]

I have been marriaged for 4 1/2 years and have a 3 1/2 year old little boy. I met my husband four months after my mother died ( I am the daughter of a single mother and an only child), we were very close. I became pregnant and married him because i did not want to be a single parent and he was from Jamaica and could not legally stay in the UK unless he got married. We were very happy at first and he enjoyed spending all of my interitence(over 100K). When the money ran out (I very foolishly put it all in his bank account and he invested it in himself and failed business's).
After 2 years he left me for another woman, to this day he deny's living with. I still love him deeply and do not want my son to grow up without his father like I did. After our son was born he became violent to me and I have had to live in a refuge twice because of him. I come from a good home and had a good job and was very successful before I met him. He has systematically taken everything from me and all I have left is our son(my only reason for living). In January of this year (2years after living somewhere else with someone else) he moved back into the family home. He stayed with us for 3 three months (running up bills) although every weekend he would go up to Nottingham (where she lives) as he lied and managed to get himself a council flat from Nottingham council, despite not being homeless, saying that he needed to check on his flat. I often asked why I couldn't visit only to be told that he wasn't ready,stop nagging him etc.
It now transpires that she had left him and he was going up begging her to come back(something he denies). On March 28th 2006 I found a text message on his phone from her saying - the flight is booked. I asked him and got beaten up -in front of witnesses and the police were called. I was left bleeding and with ripped clothing and he told the police I had done this to myself. They believed him and left saying that i was wasting their time. He said he was going to Notts to cool off and he would be back in the morning. Next thing I knew he was on a plane to Jamaica with her. All his life he has never had a toilet, merely a hole in the ground. I paid for his mother to have a fully equipped bathroom with Shower, toilet and bath. He has two children from a previous relationship in Jamaica and I paid for their education, passports and food for over 3 years. They were going to come to England and live with us as a family as their own mother has no interest in them and they live with his mother. Can you imagine how wounded I felt when he casually took this woman over to meet his kids and family?
My husband has a mild interest in our son but happily goes for months on end with out seeing him. I have only recently approached the CSA as he has made no contribution to his welfare.
Recently I have made an extensive effort to have a better relationship with him and get past all the hurt for the sake of our son, only to find out that he is no longer with the nottingham girl(he now lives in Essex) and she is pregnant with his child. She told me that he has told him that she will only take him back if he divorces me. She fails to see why I think she is poisonous and has detroyed my marriage and taken my son's father away. She has parents and brothers around her to support her (and my husband). I have no one in this world apart from my son). I have no parents, no siblings and no close friends. Despite all of this i still keep it together for my son's sake. i can only cope with things when i have no communication with him whatsoever. With out me he would not be able to live and work in this country but now he has tricked the home office he is allowed to stay here forever regardless of how he behaves towards me or his child.
I don't know if I still love him because I do not have any one else. I know he is really a nasty piece of work but I just can't get over it. There is nothing i can do. It makes no difference to his status if I divorce him. I will never retrieve any of the money he has taken from me. He is free to bring his children here from Jamaica despite leaving two women in the UK to be lone parents. None of this seems fair. I don't know what to do or what to believe anymore. He has me hanging by a string and I cannot see any way out of this misery. The few friends I has are tired of me being depressed and sad and one of them told me I was boring and no fun any more and never go out. This man walked out of my life, forcing me to quit my job as he used to collect out son from nursery and i could not afford to find someone else to do this on the salary i a had. I have no one to look after my son or no money to have a social life and I just don't know how to do any better. I guess I am asking should I get a divorce because I don't see how that would change my situation for the better in any way.





I have been marriaged for 4 1/2 years and have a 3 1/2 year old little boy. I met my husband four months after my mother died ( I am the daughter of a single mother and an only child), we were very close. I became pregnant and married him because i did not want to be a single parent and he was from Jamaica and could not legally stay in the UK unless he got married. We were very happy at first and he enjoyed spending all of my interitence(over 100K). When the money ran out (I very foolishly put it all in his bank account and he invested it in himself and failed business's).
After 2 years he left me for another woman, to this day he deny's living with. I still love him deeply and do not want my son to grow up without his father like I did. After our son was born he became violent to me and I have had to live in a refuge twice because of him. I come from a good home and had a good job and was very successful before I met him. He has systematically taken everything from me and all I have left is our son(my only reason for living). In January of this year (2years after living somewhere else with someone else) he moved back into the family home. He stayed with us for 3 three months (running up bills) although every weekend he would go up to Nottingham (where she lives) as he lied and managed to get himself a council flat from Nottingham council, despite not being homeless, saying that he needed to check on his flat. I often asked why I couldn't visit only to be told that he wasn't ready,stop nagging him etc.
It now transpires that she had left him and he was going up begging her to come back(something he denies). On March 28th 2006 I found a text message on his phone from her saying - the flight is booked. I asked him and got beaten up -in front of witnesses and the police were called. I was left bleeding and with ripped clothing and he told the police I had done this to myself. They believed him and left saying that i was wasting their time. He said he was going to Notts to cool off and he would be back in the morning. Next thing I knew he was on a plane to Jamaica with her. All his life he has never had a toilet, merely a hole in the ground. I paid for his mother to have a fully equipped bathroom with Shower, toilet and bath. He has two children from a previous relationship in Jamaica and I paid for their education, passports and food for over 3 years. They were going to come to England and live with us as a family as their own mother has no interest in them and they live with his mother. Can you imagine how wounded I felt when he casually took this woman over to meet his kids and family?
My husband has a mild interest in our son but happily goes for months on end with out seeing him. I have only recently approached the CSA as he has made no contribution to his welfare.
Recently I have made an extensive effort to have a better relationship with him and get past all the hurt for the sake of our son, only to find out that he is no longer with the nottingham girl(he now lives in Essex) and she is pregnant with his child. She told me that he has told him that she will only take him back if he divorces me. She fails to see why I think she is poisonous and has detroyed my marriage and taken my son's father away. She has parents and brothers around her to support her (and my husband). I have no one in this world apart from my son). I have no parents, no siblings and no close friends. Despite all of this i still keep it together for my son's sake. i can only cope with things when i have no communication with him whatsoever. With out me he would not be able to live and work in this country but now he has tricked the home office he is allowed to stay here forever regardless of how he behaves towards me or his child.
I don't know if I still love him because I do not have any one else. I know he is really a nasty piece of work but I just can't get over it. There is nothing i can do. It makes no difference to his status if I divorce him. I will never retrieve any of the money he has taken from me. He is free to bring his children here from Jamaica despite leaving two women in the UK to be lone parents. None of this seems fair. I don't know what to do or what to believe anymore. He has me hanging by a string and I cannot see any way out of this misery. The few friends I has are tired of me being depressed and sad and one of them told me I was boring and no fun any more and never go out. This man walked out of my life, forcing me to quit my job as he used to collect out son from nursery and i could not afford to find someone else to do this on the salary i a had. I have no one to look after my son or no money to have a social life and I just don't know how to do any better. I guess I am asking should I get a divorce because I don't see how that would change my situation for the better in any way.

[Molesworth]

What a dreadful person he is kikki

I guess the only point in divorcing him would be to draw a line under the relationship - something which, it seems to me, would be advisable.

[hovely]

oh kikki, what a pig he has been.
would you feel stronger for taking a step and declaring your own independence that way?

[LaDIEDaDIE]

Well I would wonder why on earth you wouldn't want to divorce this man?

If you divorce him then you will be free of him. Yes , he may still have contact/a relationship with your son but YOU would not have a personal relationship with him.

[JackOLANTERNstini]

Oh Kikki - you have been through the mill, Hopefully it has been cathartic just writing it all down.
It sounds like you are never going to have a happy marriage with this man. I don't like advising people outright but would consider the following points:
If he really wants to divorce, he could get nasty (again) if you don't agree,
More importantly, you can then be free for when better things come along in your life (and they will)

[prettymummified]

i think you need to break away from him, let him have contact with your son. let him fend for himself as that is what he seems to be good at and you concerntrate on yourself and your son.

[skippydog]

On the other hand you could do what I did and continue to be abused for 16 years before finally seeing sense Get rid NOW - leopards do not change their spots.

[glitterfairy]

Totally agree I am so happy!

[mamamaaargh]

Have to say, I agree with everyone else. From what you have said, it sounds like you need to end his connection with you. Let him see you ds, if he wishes but make sure any ties you have with him are finished properly. I'd talk to a solicitor if I were you.

Good Luck

[WinkyWinkola]

Yes, you should divorce him. Get rid of him.

And then you'll start to be happy again because you'll learn to depend on you and you only, not some wastrel like this man that continually lets you down and abuses you.

By getting rid of this man and making a life for yourself and your boy, you'll also make room for someone else to eventually come into your life that will only bring happiness to both you and your son. Happiness what you both deserve. I don't think you believe that is what you deserve though.

Please look after yourself and keep safe.

[divastrop]

i agree you should cut off contact with him and get legal advice,but i would also urge you to get help for yourself,ie some form of councelling/therapy etc to explore why you feel you still love a man who has treated you so badly.
i spent 4 years with an abusive bully because 1)i didnt think i deserved any better and 2)because i didnt want my children to grow up without a father like i had done.

i now know that children are better off with just one parent who loves them,than with 2 parents where one of them is abusive.of course in a n ideal world a child should have two loving parents,but it isnt an ideal world,and you can only do what is best for your son.

[essbee]

Message withdrawn

[Judy1234]

You need to divorce him. There are plenty of good men around.
You sound sensible and from a good family. Somehoe may be you need to think of a way to get back to work, perhaps when your son is back at school. It seems unlikely you will get the £100k back.
I wonder why you trusted him with so much. Do be careful not to do that again with anyone else.

[sadmuppet]

Kiki,

Now u listen to me girl ! Read my messages in Relationships column then go into URGENT WONT BRING HIM BACK. Thats my story ! But i got married to a man that i didnt love but for security for our son married him.We renovated a cottage and had no money never went out i had no life i worked nights,looked after my son then got up one day and left after 3 years of marriage.Came to live with my mother here in MK,had shit loads of problems he took my son after his access weekends,said that i abused him and went to court and got an order on me not to go get him back unless i went to court. He had him 6 weeks i almost died without my son.

Im glad i left this man and have never looked back,read my story... Im a great believer that life is far too short to waste time with pricks ,move on girl,i did.get in touch and mail me. I have had abussive relationships been abused in the past,threatened,stalked the bloody list is endless but im still standing and walkin tall.xxxx take care these ladies on here helped me so much stick to their advice..i have loads to tell u keep in touch if u need me

[kikki]

Hi everyone
I have just read sadmuppet's story, that's horrendous. My heart goes out to you. Do you have your son back now? I have been suicidal several times since my husband left for this other woman(if I can call her that) and I do not know what I would do without my son. He is my world. Thankfully I have come through those very black days and oddly enough that only came about when I lived in a women's refuge for a while. I left a beautiful flat, job, a very good nursery to live in a tiny room with very basic facilities but I finally felt free. It took that drastic step for me to begin on the road to recovery and break the spell he had over me. I met him four months after my Mother died of cancer. She was my world and in a blind haze of grief and total aloneness I met this guy through a friend who began to fill the void. I think that I thought I would get the unconditional love of my mother and trusted him implicetly. It has taken me four years to battle with my own steely determination to try to make my marriage work and forgive and forget no matter what, for me finally to see that I am far happier and better off on my own. When I was at the refuge (sorry for the rambling by the way, my husband always complained that I talked too much but I think that is better than bottling up all your thoughts and feelings only to let them explode and punch your wife in the face). I met a lady who went on holiday to Mexico with her husband and two kids (all British citizens) after 10 years of a violent marriage (he used to punch her in the stomach whilst she was pregnant with his own child, can you imagine!) she decided that two days into her holiday she finally had the courage to leave him. She packed up herself and her two kids and flew back to London. She had no where to go and no money and she went to stay with her brother and his wife. After two weeks the police called at her brothers house(she foolishly used the joint account in his area to draw out some money as she had nothing to feed or clothe her child with) and said that she was being accused of kidnap(her own British born children!) and that her husband was coming to find her and get her extrodited to Mexico. Apparently it is the law that if you stay in a country for two days or more you become a resident of that country. She had to flee her brothers and move into a women's refuge. He took her case to the Hague convention and she had to go to the Royal Courts of Justice to fight for the right to keep her own children with her in Britain and not be forced to return them to a hotel in Mexico. She won but this is only the beginning of the story. This man has beaten this woman black and blue and mentally tortured (believe me this is worse than the physical) her for 10 years (she never had the courage to call the police)he has beaten up his own children and yet he has the right to take them back to Mexico and fight for custody of them under their laws even though they have only ever been to and lived in Mexico for two days. He refuses to consent to the divorce. He is a millonaire and refuses to give her any maintenance, he got legal aid to take her to the Hague Convention and a barrister at the Royal Courts of Justice gets a phenominal amount of money. As a condition of her not having to go back to Mexico, she agreed to let him have access to the children every weekend and half of the holidays (he never bothered with the kids when they were married) so she only see's them before and after school and has no full day's with them. After two visits the kids were screaming and begging not to go to him, as they are petrified of him and she is now in contempt of court and facing jail simply because she is keeping herself and her children away from their abuser. Her children are 9 and 10 and far too old for their years. I continue to hear such heart wrenching stories about spiteful men trying to punish their wives/girlfriends for their own nasty ways. As awful as they are I think it is helpful to hear about them, as if you are a kind-hearted and trusting as I am then you could easily fall into their trap(again). My Dad(who my Mum never married) threatened to take my away, so my Mum packed up all she could carry and left London for a sleepy village in Wales and never saw or spoke to my Dad again ( I was four at the time). I wished i had her strenght of character. I still keep speaking to my ex and even felt happy that he remebered my birthday recently. I never thought he would do the wicked things he has done to me or our son so trying to take him away wouldn't surprise me. He has already stolen my passport and our son's and my birth certficate( I have cancelled the passports). I feel like I can only get stronger when he's out of my life completely, then my son asks where's my Daddy and I pick up the phone. For a long time I felt ashamed to grow up without a father (it was unheard of in Wales in the 70's) but I had a happy childhood(my Mum never had a relationship again)and when I traced my father after my Mum died (out of curiousity) I got to see for myself that he was a very bitter, lonely, heartless old man that couldn't stop blaming all the women in his life for his downfall. I have no feelings for this man and he somehow expected me to say 'I love you Daddy after the first meeting. He refused to let my Mum live with him when he found out she was pregnant because he didn't want his parents to know that he had got a black woman pregnant. She lived in London with no family (she was here from South America to finish her medical degree)at a time when the accomodation lists read - No children, no Irish, no pets, no blacks. As she was black and she had a kid what chance did she have. He left my Mum for a 17 year old (He was 35 at the time) and refused to pay any maintnence for me (despite being very rich) there was no CSA in those days. After two years he came crawling back to my Mum begging her to take him back. She said 'NO!' which I am now sure was the best move she ever made. A leopard never changes. I just want to find my inner strength, he is starting to sniff around us again, the birthday present (I have never had more than a card from him before), nice conversations on the phone not the usual screaming or hanging up and switching the phone off, he talks to his son more and it turns out he has been laid off work til February will have to go back on the dole and probably has no where to lay his head for Christmas ( As he always spends Christmas with us, I get the impression her family don't want him around). I want to keep strong but I'm not sure I know how.

[divastrop]

kikki-you WILL find your strength.there are many women-myself included-who have been through hell with abusive men and broken free in the end.

[rosie79]

Kikki- it sounds like you know what to do. It is hard, but believe me, you cannot stay tied to this man! Things get a lot easier with time and divorce is the best option. Otherwise he could still turn up at your house, stay, run up bills (basically use you) and leave you feeling really bad all over again. And what if he is violent in front of your son? No child should see that and you need to protect him from that. You do not deserve that sort of treatment, you need to move on and heal from all the hurt your husband has caused you, you won't be able to do that if you stay emotionally connected to him. You need to love yourself and respect yourself and put your needs first, and this will also bee the best thing for your son. He is totally dependant on you and you can only be the best mum you can be if you are happy and confident in yourself. Your life will definately be better without this man in it.

Everything I've written is from personal experience too. As others have said, leopards never loose their spots, once a violent oieing man, always a violent lieing man).

[Naughtynoonoo]

Kikki - soo sorry about your situation, but firstly - stop going back to this animal. You said you can't see how divorcing would change your situation for the better in any way - you are his meal ticket, he is using you and repays you in such an awful way - surely steering clear from him would be better then ending up battered inside and out.

You have a child, your life is with him, do not jeopodise that.

You need to find confidence in yourself and stop clinging onto your past - think about your and ds futures. I am sure there is a light at the end of the tunnel - but you will certainly never see it with this low life animal.

Have you considered counselling/

[divastrop]

i had months of councelling with various different people,but what stuck with me the most was seeing somebody at a specialist domestic abuse project they have in my town.thats where i learned that these men are pretty much all the same,they all come out with the same lines at some point to make you feel guilty/scared/responsible.seeing most of the things my ex had said to me in a text book made me see him for what he was/is.
PLEASE go and see your gp,get in touch with womens aid,phone a local helpline,anything that will help you stay strong and break the bond with him.

[kikki]

Thanks Divastropp
I have been in touch with Women's aid and they refered me to a refuge. Unfortunately the one I entered was not run by Women's aid and the staff were very young and inexperienced. They were just interested in getting you rehoused and out of there as fast as possible. I read a list once about forms of abuse apart from physical violence and I could say yes I had been subjected to about 95% of the list. That shocked me a bit.
I think I am going to try counselling again. What I don't have any understanding of is why the men do what they do to some one that they supposidly love. Why they are so angry and cannot control it and why they see the need to bully people that are nice to them and try their hardest to conform to all the rules that they set down.
I have found out that my ex has beaten up the mother of his two children in Jamaica, He has punched another ex-girlfriend of his, I have been assaulted by him several times so why as far as I know he has not beaten up the woman that he left me for?

[messyoldmess]

Oh Kikki, I am so sorry you have had such an awful time with your husband. He sounds very scary.
You really need to break free & make a new life for yourself. I know it is so hard to do this (I am going through a seperation myself & struggling), but things will get easier in time.
You deserve a life free of fear.x

[divastrop]

i found when i stayed in a womens aid refuge that the staff had no experience of domestic abuse themselves so,although they were helpful,they didnt really understand.and all the other women there at the time had no intention of leaving their partners,they were at the stage of wanting to 'shock' the man into changing his ways.
my exp used to say it must be my fault he hit me as he'd never hit his ex,and untill recently would say that he didnt hit his current partner.but i know for a fact he is emotionally abusive to his gf and he used to have violent arguments with his ex where he would punch the wall etc.to me that is all domesic abuse.
you were targeted by a bully when you were vulnerable,it is not your fault.it takes a long time and alot of support to get to the point of accepting that ,though.
if you genuinley think he should still be a part of your sons life,then get legal advice so a contact order can be put in place and you no longer need to have any contact with him.

[kikki]

Hi Divastrop,
Thanks for all your words of wisdom. I think that I will never know if he behaves differently in other relationships but I do know that I have not seen any change in him. Worst still he doesn't think he has a problem. I guess it's like a drug addict, until they recognise they have a problem and they reach their own low, they will never seek help. I imagined that all women in refuges would be sympathetic to each other as they have all been through similar difficulties. When I moved in I found this couldn't be further from the truth. It was like being in school with all the rules and regulations, women causing childish arguments amongst each other and I think the thing I found the hardest was that a lot of the women were very agressive towards others. Considering that they have experienced that level of aggression and bullying, I was very surprised to see that they happily subjected others outside their clique to the exact behaviour they were fleeing. It was as if they would never dare confront their ex-partners, so they took the opportunity to verbally abuse their housemates.
I would also like to say that whilst I was their, four out of eight women had Jamaican partners and the other four had partners that were Indian, Bulgarian, Somalian and Nigerian. Maybe that was due to the demographics of London but I was surprised that not one women had an english partner that had put them in this situation.
All I can hope is that I never let another man do what this person has done to me and I have the strenght to 'kick him to the curb' once and for all.

[divastrop]

my ex partner got 'help',went on anger management courses etc ,convinced everybody he knew he was wrong to do those thigs etc,even apologised to me.i even had friends asking if i would get back with him as he seemed ok now!but i knew deep down he didint believe he'd done wrong,and he was still trying to control me through the children 6 years after we split up.
i did get into another abusive relationship after that one,as well,but it didnt go on as long because i recognised what was happening before he had the chance to destroy my self esteem totally.
i live in the north of england now(im originally from NE london)and there are very few ethnic minorities in the area,but there is still a very high incidence of domestic abuse.its something that crosses class/race/culture etc.

[kikki]

Hi divastrop
I live in London did you find it odd to move away? I want to move but I don't know if I am just running away and would I feel more lonely and isolated. I would really be like sticking a pin in a map as I have no real affinity to any area (with the exception of Nottingham)

[divastrop]

i moved up north with my exp over 9 years ago.i had no option at the time.i stayed becase the kids are at school etc.