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I want to leave my wife

(236 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

sapphiresdad Wed 04-Mar-15 16:26:15

I can't tell anyone

I have wanted out for years. we don't get on, I know this sounds awful but I don't like her, she doesn't like me much, in the evenings we sit in separate rooms watching different TVs and most nights I fall asleep on the sofa as I just don't want to share a bed. I don't fancy her and the thought of sex with her turns my stomach...she says horrible things to me and puts me down all the time. Even in front of the children. I don't get why she even wants to be with me if I am so shit. I am scared if I leave she will make it hard for me to see them, as she thinks if a man leaves his wife that's it, he has "left his family" and doesn't deserve the title "dad" or to see his kids. She has said as much when couples we know have split.

I loved her at the start but we were very young and tbh I got pushed into getting married. We were early 20's, she was pregnant and it was the right thing to do. I thought this was what happened in life. We bought a house and she wanted baby number 2. I didn't as I was already unhappy. But she got caught with dc2. I suspect she wasn't on the pill. I love my children and don't regret them but they are the only thing keeping me here. The mortgage is massive, we are in debt and I am doing 60 hour weeks just to keep our heads above water. I have a second job at weekends, I feel like I am drowning. MY dc are 10 and 14 and she stopped work when she was pregnant with # 1 and she still doesn't work, she doesn't want to and when I have suggested it she gets angry with me.

Here's where you are going to lose any sympathy you might have had. I have fallen in love with someone else, she is a single mum to a 4 year old and works at my place. I have known her a couple of years as work colleagues but a couple of weeks ago we both admitted we had feelings for each other. Absolutely nothing has happened as we both want to wait until I am free, she knows I am married and knows I am unhappy but she (understandably) is sceptical that I would actually leave. But I would. For the first time ever, I have met someone I want to marry, to have a family with, to love forever. I am 37, am married, I have children already...The timings are wrong

she is amazing, kind, clever, funny, independent, hard working. I have never felt like this before not even as a teenager. If I don't sort my life out she will tell me to get lost. Everyone at work likes her, the women love her and the men all fancy her. She will be snapped up, she is 27 and stunning but most of all a lovely person. And if I leave my wife I will lose my children, my home, everything

I just need some advice, I can't carry on like this

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith Wed 04-Mar-15 16:29:40

I would stop worrying about her not letting you see your children.

Have you taken any legal advice? That would be my advice first and foremost.

GoatsDoRoam Wed 04-Mar-15 16:29:41

I can't tell anyone

You need to tell your wife.

Mrschicken01 Wed 04-Mar-15 16:31:54

Sorry but I think you are a total coward.

You haven't been happy with your wife for ten years at least but didn't have the balls to take action/ do the decent thing until you met a hot young woman who ( for now at least) seems keen to let you into her bed.

May be there are reasons your wife isn't pleasant to you, maybe not, but it might have been a n idea to discuss this with her before now.

LaurieFairyCake Wed 04-Mar-15 16:34:03

I'm not going to lose sympathy - you clearly should have broken up long ago.

Leave and sort it out legally. Don't leave and move in with the other woman though - you need time on your own just in case you're making a mistake.

You sound really unhappy but you two should have talked about and broken up a long time ago. No one (including your wife) deserves to be this unhappy.

Branleuse Wed 04-Mar-15 16:34:07

if you leave your wife, youll be entitled to have access to the children whether she thinks you deserve to or not. Youve been wimping out long enough by staying together and hating each other. Start the ball rolling. Its not about the new woman. She might not be everything you think she is and probably isnt. but she has shown you that you dont want to be with your wife anymore

Jan45 Wed 04-Mar-15 16:35:19

Oh here we should have split years ago, it sounds intolerable, not just for you both but also your kids, they will think this is a normal, healthy relationship, which it clearly is not. You've hung about probably because it's easier than leaving and surprise surprise you have now fallen for someone else.

It's up to you, you are the adult, I am not going to condone what you have done but your wife sounds just as bad, you sure she's not mtg up with someone on the side?

Seriously get real and split up now, stop prolonging it and using your kids as an excuse to stay, she cannot stop you seeing them.

LaurieFairyCake Wed 04-Mar-15 16:35:25

And I was also going to call you a bit of a coward.

I don't have much sympathy for being 'pushed into marriage' and not wearing a condom if you didn't want more children hmm

You do sound a bit wet.

Holdthepage Wed 04-Mar-15 16:35:44

The first thing to do would be to tell your wife you want a divorce, how is she supposed to find out otherwise?

Even if things don't work out with your work colleague it sounds as though your marriage is effectively over & both you & your wife deserve more than a loveless sham, which is what you have at the moment.

MorrisZapp Wed 04-Mar-15 16:36:44

Why would you lose your kids?

Moanranger Wed 04-Mar-15 16:38:39

I will not lecture you about not confronting your partner sooner, but you must do it now. You can be happy in a relationship but you are not happy in this one now. You may or may not have a future with your work colleague, but your feelings for her are a catalyst. Yes, there will be trouble & hardship in doing this, but you know you must.
My 24 year marriage ended 2 years ago, and while the split was a huge upheaval, I am now with someone I love & respect hugely and am out of a bad marriage. Good luck, & (as the French say) courage!

ineedabodytransplant Wed 04-Mar-15 16:39:40

Be a man and talk to your wife. If you leave then do it without moving on to a new partner. Take time between leaving and moving on.Unless you don't have the balls to do it on your own.

I was in a marriage I didn't want to be in. I stayed too long but when I did leave my wife and marriage I wasn't looking to shack up straightaway with my next partner. I can at least hold my head up on that.

If you're too selfish to leave your wife without having someone else to go to then hopefully your wife can get rid of you and find someone else.

FenellaFellorick Wed 04-Mar-15 16:39:46

If you don't want to be married - then leave. I realise it's easy to say and not easy to do, but better to leave and face that than to live a lie for the rest of your life.

If your relationship is as you describe - your wife is probably as unhappy as you are.

Yes, there will be things to sort out, yes it will be painful and messy, yes you may have to go through court and ensure that the children are helped through it as much as possible, but it's not fair to anyone to take the cowards way out of staying in a marriage you're not happy in while being even emotionally unfaithful even if you're not actually shagging about on the side. That's unfair to everyone.

You have to make hard choices in life and you have to make sacrifices. This is one of those times when you have to choose what you want more and what you are willing to lose.

expatinscotland Wed 04-Mar-15 16:40:28

Yawn! You should have left years ago, but never bothered to until a new piece of arse you want came along. How typical. And of course, you want to spawn even more sprogs you can't afford. She's a real winner, eh, going for a married man.

OhNoNotMyBaby Wed 04-Mar-15 16:41:40

Hmmm posters here are calling the OP a coward a 'a bit wet.' If this were a female OP I don't believe these comments would be made. I'm detecting a bit of double standards here...

OP. You really do need to leave asap. As others have said this is a lose / lose situation. I had an ex-H who insisted on watching TV in a separate room every night because he "wanted his own space." So I gave it to him via a divorce.

You are suffering, your wife is suffering, your children are suffering. If you have the opportunity to create a more enjoyable and fulfilling life for yourself you need to take it. And that's not selfish, that's plain commonsense. You cannot help others to be happy if you are not happy within yourself.

wallypops Wed 04-Mar-15 16:42:52

Honestly from what you've said you could reasonably expect (or at any rate ask for) 50/50 in terms of child care. Your wife will not get to play judge and jury.

Work out what you would like and what you are prepared to accept. Organise mediation. See a lawyer. Get your paperwork up to date and get the ball rolling as soon as possible. Today even.

Say "I am unhappy and I want a divorce". Repeat as necessary. Your children are old enough to make their own judgements and her dripping poison in their ears is likely to back fire.

No reason in the world for your stbxw not to get a job. You will all have to down size and that's just tough for everyone I'm afraid.

It's terrible for your kids to have unhappy parents, you are both modeling shit future relationships for them.

So put on your big boy pants and tell your wife you want a divorce. DO NOT EVER mention that you are in love with someone else, because that will make things worse for everyone, and for gods sake don't start an affair until its over. Because I can guarantee that that will get covered in stink and probably ruined for ever.

blueberrypie0112 Wed 04-Mar-15 16:43:09

Have you tried couple counseling?

this woman sounds great on the surface, but the stress and responsibilities will always be there.

WaxOnWaxOff Wed 04-Mar-15 16:43:46

You need to tell your wife you don't want to stay together any longer.

You need to see a solicitor for some advice.

Find somewhere cheap to rent for 6-12 months and sort out a routine and regular contact arrangements with the children (I think you might be pleasantly surprised at their reaction to a separation, if it's truly as bad at home as you claim).

You need to not start anything with the OW until you're at least 6 months separated.

expatinscotland Wed 04-Mar-15 16:43:58

'If this were a female OP I don't believe these comments would be made. I'm detecting a bit of double standards here... '

Not at all. I'd say the same, and have, if the OP were female, so would the posters I recognise who said the same.

BinToHellAndBack Wed 04-Mar-15 16:44:50

Good advice from Laurie about not moving straight in with the other woman.

Leave if that's what you want to do, but do it because your relationship isn't working, not because you've met someone else. Don't start anything with new woman until you've had some time alone and sorted your head out (even if your head doesn't feel like it needs sorting, it will). A new relationship will wait if it's worth anything, and off the back of a failing marriage is not a good foundation to one build on anyway. If it doesn't wait, it wasn't worth waiting for.

But talk it through with your wife, don't just up and leave. Counselling such as Relate can give a helpful platform to mediate your break-up on if you struggle to communicate as a couple.

ineedabodytransplant Wed 04-Mar-15 16:45:10


Hmmm posters here are calling the OP a coward a 'a bit wet.' If this were a female OP I don't believe these comments would be made. I'm detecting a bit of double standards here...

I'm a bloke telling him he needs to grow a pair and talk to his wife so......

Olbasaddict Wed 04-Mar-15 16:48:31

I think some posters have been far too harsh towards you, OP. Calling you names and insulting you is not on! If your wife has entrenched ideas, that men leaving their relationship are also in effect leaving their children, she may well try to make things difficult for you. But this is no life for you or your family. It is ok to leave if you are unhappy...but do seek legal advice. You need to be brave and tell your wife.

Branleuse Wed 04-Mar-15 16:50:10

a blokes advice eh? ooh

StaircaseAtTheUniversity Wed 04-Mar-15 16:51:00

In understand you wanting to leave and fair enough. No one should be in sn unhappy marriage. Just don't start anything new until you've left. That way trouble lies.

shovetheholly Wed 04-Mar-15 16:51:24

You need to separate these two situations with these two women. Not just because of the wrongness of affairs but for your own wellbeing.

Your marriage has been over for ages, and it sounds like you're living beyond your means. You can resolve this by talking to your wife and arranging a clean break. You need to stay away from other relationships for a while. Not just becausr your head will be a mess but because it's not fair on the other party either. You are quite possibly a lot more conflicted about this deep down than you think, and it's important to work through that. Things are complicated enough without a new relationship.

Now, this other woman. I'm sorry, but you talk about her like she's a tasty looking ready meal with a short sellby date. I think you're less in love with her than in lust, and I also think much of that feeling is possibly about what she symbolises, namely escape from your current situation. Right now you can't possibly separate out her merits from your desire to get out.

My advice is to take one thing at a time. If she has feelings for you, she will be willing to wait a little and you get to do the decent thing and leave cleanly, showing respect to the mother of your children

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