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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Thoughts on this fuck buddy?

359 replies

DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 09:19

I have a work-colleague FB that I've been sleeping with for a few weeks now (once a week). On one hand he obeys the fuck-buddy 'rules' with regard to intimacy (no romantic texts, sometimes will go for days without contact, says I can have sex with other people, etc) yet on the other hand he does the following: holds my hand - fingers entwined (always initiated by him), chivalrous acts like holding doors open, paying for all drinks and meals, paying me compliments, helping me with things, regular texts.

I'm confused by these mixed-signals, and - I confess - I'm new to this FB lark.

What on earth is the deal here?

OP posts:

Report

Bluetonic123 · 28/02/2015 09:23

I don't think he is giving you mixed messages at all. it sounds like he likes you abd enjoys your company when he is with you but doesn't want to commit to a relationship with you.

Do you want more from him.

Fairylea · 28/02/2015 09:25

Hmm. I got myself very badly hurt by a fb type relationship. Be careful. If you really like them it's very hard not to see it for more than it is, even if that's what you think you want.

In my experience fb always becoming fuck with your head buddy.

Sickoffrozen · 28/02/2015 09:26

My first though would be that having a FB from work is not a great idea.

On your other points, he may just be a nice bloke. Problem with that being that it may be quite easy to fall for him!

I had one once who was a twat basically but good in the sack and that's all I wanted. He did none of the above because we didn't go out. He just came round, screwed me and fucked off again. Looking back, it probably wasn't my finest three months! At least I knew where I stood with him though. This one of yours sounds a bit confusing....

DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 09:27

Thanks Blue. I thought his behaviour (the holding hands part particularly) was a bit unusual, but then, I had preconceived notions of what a FB was. Sounds like he's more "friends with benefits" than mere "FB", but even with friends, I wouldn't pay for everything. KWIM?

OP posts:

DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 09:35

In my experience fb always becoming fuck with your head buddy.

Certainly seems that way. What's your experience Fairy?

Problem with that being that it may be quite easy to fall for him!

Indeed. I think I'd prefer if he was a dickhead!

OP posts:

Sickoffrozen · 28/02/2015 09:39

Would you be open to a relationship? If so, I would lay my cars on the table with him and tell him what you have told us on here. If he really only wants sex but you feel more then I personanally would end it and find another one. Plenty of dickheads knocking around!

Fairylea · 28/02/2015 09:43

Well I saw someone from work for 8 months ish. He was a lot younger than me in life as well as age (he was 22 and into clubbing and parties, I was 29 and just divorced, one dc). We were friends at work and never intended for it to be serious. I ended up really falling for him and he did things that made me feel he thought the same and then suddenly found someone else similar to him and told me like he thought it was no big deal. I was heartbroken. It was clear he didn't feel the same at all. He then said (lovely line) "I like you as a friend but that's all but the sex is good". Can't get clearer than that.

I then had to leave my job as it was all very awkward. I also had to block and delete him and everyone else he knew from my Facebook to get on with my life.

Be careful.

I am now remarried, to someone else obviously!

oldcroneat39 · 28/02/2015 09:43

The first rule of FB is: be a friend. Is this how he behaves with friends? In which case. There's your answer.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 09:46

It's a casual relationship & it just sounds like the pair of you have slightly different ideas on what you want to get out if it. I think what he's enjoying is not just the sex but the chance to act like 'a boyfriend' on an occasional basis. He could even (shock news) be developing feelings....

To quote my favourite TV show 'Frasier'.... "didn't your mother warn you that sex could lead to things like dating?'

DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 09:47

Sickoffrozen good advice, however laying my cards on the table puts me in a vulnerable (read: embarrassing) position, and I need to work alongside this man. Worst thing a FB can do is come across as needy, which I fear I would if I started talking about 'feelings'. Besides, I'm not sure if I actually want to be his girlfriend, rather, I just want to know exactly what the deal is from his side.

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oldcroneat39 · 28/02/2015 09:47

And I had a great FB relationship with a very attentive, emotional and communicative friend. I am now with someone else. We don't shag. That is the only change to our relationship. What do you think would happen if there was no sex?

oldcroneat39 · 28/02/2015 09:50

You have needs. It's NOT needy to say. That things have changed for you. It's realistic.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 09:52

You might want to check understanding rather than discuss feelings. Make it clear that you're uncomfortable with the things you mention and the arrangement can't continue if they don't get knocked on the head. As there is no emotional attachment, it shouldn't be a difficult thing to get across

DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 09:52

Fairylea your experience is horrid! What stuff did he do that made you feel he could be interested? (Before he pulled the plug and got a girlfriend).

I think what he's enjoying is not just the sex but the chance to act like 'a boyfriend' on an occasional basis.

Sorry if I sound terribly naive, but why would he do that? What would he get out of it?

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gatewalker · 28/02/2015 09:57

Why do feelings have to equate to exclusive, conventional relationship? Can you not have a FB and have feelings for them, and not have to pursue anything further? I think it's a question worth asking, because we seem to have reserved our hearts for specific kinds of relatedness, and maybe there's the possibility of undoing some assumptions and norms that we seldom question.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 28/02/2015 10:03

I'm a little confused with your confusion :)

He is really nice when you are with him- why wouldn't he be? - you have a good fun time together. When you are not with each other you are free to do whatever, see whoever, etc.
What seems to be the problem?

DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 10:11

John I'm going to toddle off to the gym for an hour and give your question the pondering it deserves. I feel uncomfortable and ill at ease with some aspect of this FB, but its hard to understand and thus articulate it. I'll be back in an hour or so after some pondering.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 10:11

What would he get out of acting like a boyfriend? ..... Same sort of thing these men get who hire escorts for the night. A chance to be intimate, chivalrous, generous etc but return the girl to the rack before she turns into a pumpkin. :)

HermioneWeasley · 28/02/2015 10:13

I think you need to be clear with him about the rules of being a fuck buddy. Tell him you want to "go Dutch" (not the same thing as "practising in the French fashion" in Wolf Hall this week ) and that while wild consensual sex is on the agenda, hand holding is not.

Cabrinha · 28/02/2015 10:13

Why do you let him pay for everything?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 10:20

I go past an advert on the M25 quite often for a website called 'Sugar Daddies'. Where wealthy men get to meet beautiful women it oozes, and it's tough not to hurl my feminist guts I can tell you. :)

Paying for dinner, pretending to be a boyfriend. ... there's a market for it.

HermioneWeasley · 28/02/2015 10:20

I read a piece of advice on making FB relationships work

have more than one so you're not becoming overly bonded with one person
no quality time together
no talking about the future
no meeting each others' friends and families

The problem is oxytocin released when you orgasm makes you bond with individuals, so you need to counter it

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 28/02/2015 10:25

If you want him to be your boyfriend then you need to say or end it. If you are enjoying it for what it is then carry on and don't overthink it.
It's not fuck buddies, it's a casual relationship. Lots of people like that, it's bits of a relationship without the loss of autonomy and freedom that goes with. Of course you don't generally have strong feelings for people you can stay casual with, because strong feelings lead to more investment

Kaneda · 28/02/2015 10:29

Don't get the FB thing at all. I've passes up sex in the past with some pretty attractive women, which I'm sure a lot of blokes would not have done (sorry to be bluntly male about it), because casual sex doesn't appeal. To me, physical and emotional intimacy go hand-in-hand. A minimum level of emotional commitment is required, and that means monogamy and being open to the idea that a proper relationship is a possibility. I think your FB is in the same category as me. If you're not there, you need to break it off, otherwise you're just using him. I suspect that if you asked him, he'd say he was happy being FB even if he does have strong feelings for you and desperately wants more. The FB thing seems like the most unnatural form of relationship. Even a secret affair between married people has more emotional commitment!

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 10:37

Would you prefer your FB to treat you badly ?

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